Chapter Twelve
Cade shook his head, not quite sure if he’d heard Jocelyn correctly. Did she just whisper the words which had featured prominently in his secret fantasies for longer than he could remember? Shifting on the bed, Cade willed his cock to go back down, because it had jumped to attention upon her declaration.
He took a deep breath to calm the raging hormones swirling within him. He drank in her beauty, unable to reconcile this was actually reality and not a dream. He allowed his gaze to roam every curve and line of her face, which had been etched not only in his memory but in his heart. She was his every fantasy come true. The sudden urge to pinch himself to verify he wasn’t dreaming took over.
More than anything, he wanted to take her in his arms and remind her how beautiful the act of physical love could be between a man and a woman. He wanted to wipe away the pain, the ugliness, the heartache of the trauma inflicted on her.
He wouldn’t dare insult Jocelyn by telling her he understood exactly what she was feeling, what she was going through, but he did want to be there for her. To be that shoulder she could lean on, that ear to listen when she needed to talk. The strong arms that held her up when she could no longer stand, the strength when she was weak and the rock she could always depend on.
No. He didn’t know what was going through her mind, or how a person was supposed to act who’d gone through what she had, but Cade didn’t want her to feel pressured to do something she might not be ready for. Draping his arm around her shoulder, he pulled her against him until her head rested against his chest. Cade dropped a kiss on the top of her head.
“You know I know love you, don’t you?”
Jocelyn stiffened within the circle of his arms for the slightest of moments. “I love you too, Cade, so why do I feel a but coming?”
He stroked her dark silky locks. “Because there is. There’s nothing I want more right now than to make love to you, but I’m not sure you’re ready. I’ve already told you, I can wait until you are, even if it takes years. You’re worth it.”
Jocelyn lifted her head to meet his gaze. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I’m touched at your gesture, Cade, really I am, but I want to do this. You may think it’s too soon, and who knows, maybe it is. But I know how I feel right here.” She took his hand and placed it over her heart. “Do you see what you do to me? I can’t think of a more fitting way to end this evening than to make love with you. Please, Cade. I need this, and I think you do, too.”
Wanting to give in to her passionate plea, Cade knew he’d have to try at least one more time to make sure this was what she wanted before proceeding. “Why don’t we go back to the living room, drink a little wine and listen to some music? We can talk. I promise you, we don’t have to do this.”
She pulled out of the crook of his arm with narrowed eyes. “Why are you trying to talk me out of this? Don’t you want me?”
Cade bent his head to brush his lips against hers. “Do you have to ask? Hell, I’m already rock hard just thinking about having you in my bed again. I want this so badly I can taste it.”
“Then why are we talking about it, instead of doing it?”
“Why indeed? I guess I imagined if we ever got to this point again, it wouldn’t be quite this soon, not that I’m complaining.” Leaning over, he kissed the corner of her mouth. The sweetness of her lips sent his pulse racing and his cock stiffened. What he really wanted was to take her in his arms and unleash all the pent-up passion within him, which simmered just below the surface. But he knew he’d have to take things easy. No matter what she said, he’d need to take things slow.
Pulling away from Jocelyn, he stood. A smile tugging the corners of his lips, Cade held his hand out to her. A becoming flush of red swept her cheeks and in this moment, she’d never looked more beautiful.
She placed her small hand in his, allowing him to pull her against him. Wrapping his arms around her, Cade buried his face against her neck. “Just let me hold you like this a little longer. I need to make sure this is real.”
Her body shook as laughter tumbled from her mouth. “If this is a dream, I don’t know if it’s yours or mine, so let’s make the most of it, shall we?”
Cade couldn’t think of anything he wanted more.
Jocelyn gulped. This was the moment she’d been anticipating and dreading all night long. Sure, she’d practically begged him to make love to her. She wanted him; needed to feel his arms around her, kissing, caressing and making her feel that passion within her only he could conjure up. But the part that terrified her was the part in the back of her mind that made her wonder if she was capable of ever feeling that way again. More than anything, she wanted him to enjoy this experience. The last thing she wanted was for Cade to feel cheated.
His gaze slid over her, seeming to take in every detail, from the pleats in her denim skirt to the top button of her blouse that had come undone. She imagined he could even read her deepest emotions, dissecting them and stripping her bare. Jocelyn wrapped her arms around her body, a sudden shyness taking over.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded, not daring to speak, not sure if she was able to in that moment. So many nights, she’d dreamt of being in his arms again and now, her fantasies were soon to be reality. But could she follow through? This is Cade. He won’t hurt you. He’s not like them. This is the man you love.
Cade moved close enough for her to feel the warmth of his breath. “You can tell me to stop at any time, Jocelyn. We don’t have to do this. I’ll understand, if you want to change your mind.”
“I want this, too.”
“You’re trembling.”
“I guess this isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.”
“Then let’s go back to the living room and relax. We’ll watch some television and talk.”
Shaking her head, she sent him a plea from the heart. “No. I want you to make love to me.”
“But, you’re obviously having reservations. We don’t have to do something you’re not completely comfortable with.”
“Don’t you want me?”
Cade raked his fingers through his hair. “More than you could know. I’ve thought of nothing else but holding you again since your return. Sweetheart, I love you and I want you, but I also know you’ve experienced a considerable trauma, and it—it’s hurt like hell knowing you had to suffer alone. That you felt…” He lowered his head and turned away from her, but not before she glimpsed his unshed tears in his eyes.
Closing the distance between them, Jocelyn wrapped her arms around his waist and placed her head against his back. “Don’t you see? That’s why I need you tonight. I want to wipe out all the hurt and ugliness of the past and create a new memory with you. I want to know what it’s like to be held and loved. I want remember how good it felt to be in your arms. It scares the hell out of me that I may not be able to feel the pleasure we once shared, but at least after tonight, I’ll know for sure. This way if I can’t, I mean if I’m incapable of—”
Cade pulled out of her hold and turned around to face her so swiftly, Jocelyn took two steps back. His eyes turned a shade of blue so dark they were nearly black. Blood rushed to his face, giving him an almost demonic look. “Don’t say it.”
“But, we have to consider the possibility. I may be incapable of completely enjoying myself. Sex is an important aspect of a relationship and you should be with someone you can have a normal—”
“Dammit, Jocelyn, would you stop it! If I wanted to marry someone for a convenient fuck, I would have done it a long time ago, but you happen to be the only woman I want. When will you get it through your thick skull? I love you and you alone. If we don’t have sex for the rest of our lives, I’m okay with it because I’d have you. You, Jocelyn.”
His sincerity was unmistakable, but she couldn’t put him through a sexless marriage. She raised her chin with a determined stubbornness she wouldn’t allow him to break through. “Then make love to me.”
“Jos…”
“Please.”
He expelled a deep breath from his nostrils, his mouth tightened. For a moment, she thought he’d walk away. Finally he nodded. “Are you sure about this?” He practically growled the words.
“Very sure.”
He grasped the hem of his shirt and lifted it over his head, baring his cut chest. Jocelyn’s mouth went dry, her eyes widening. Cade was thicker than she remembered, his shoulders broader, his stomach more sculpted and defined.
Moving toward her with purposeful stride, Cade captured her gaze with his and held it.
This was it. There was no turning back. Not stopping until their bodies nearly touched, he grazed the side of her face with the back of his hand. Jocelyn willed herself not to flinch away from his touch, desperately trying to suppress the panic building within her. Instead, she concentrated on the calloused hand which felt so familiar and right. Her mind drifted to a time of careless youth when all that mattered was how much she loved this man standing before her. Could she regain the feelings she wasn’t sure she was capable of?
Cade cupped her jaw and lowered his head to brush his lips against hers in a light exploratory kiss. So far so good. She didn’t experience the urge to push him away. In fact, Jocelyn wanted his lips on hers once again. The warmth generating through her body was surely a good sign. Wasn’t it?
Releasing her face, he lowered his gaze to her chest and ran his index finger down the front of her blouse, touching every button. “You have no idea how much I’ve dreamt of this. Tell me you love me.”
She nodded, running her tongue across her lips. “I do. I love you with all my heart.”
The lopsided grin Jocelyn would have killed for tilted Cade’s sensual lips. Unable to resist temptation, she traced those lips with her fingertips. Cade grasped her hand and bit down gently on the tips.
Her breath caught in her throat. He was so tender and gentle, so much so Jocelyn wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold back the tears. She knew how insatiable Cade could be yet he was being so delicate with her, Jocelyn loved him even more for it.
Cade pulled her finger out of his mouth before giving her a light kiss on the back of her hand. Moving with ease, he slowly unbuttoned each button of her blouse with such care, she trembled, not from fear, but a deeper emotion she couldn’t quite name. She gasped as he finished his task and pushed her shirt aside to expose lace-covered breasts. “It’s not too late to change your mind,” he whispered.
Shaking her head with vehemence, Jocelyn touched his arm. “I know, but I don’t want to.”
Cade responded with a nod, his eyes never leaving her breasts, as if they were the most fascinating sight he’d ever seen. He had a way of looking at her that made Jocelyn feel special, like a queen. It reminded her of why she’d fallen in love with him in the first place.
Unclipping the front clasp of her bra, he pushed it aside and rubbed one bare tip with the pad of his thumb. “Jesus Christ, you’re just as beautiful as I remembered—even more so. When I think of what those bastards did to you—”
A whimper tore from her throat and a tremble shimmied up her spine. Thankful for the support of the wall against her back, she rested her head on it and briefly squeezed her lids shut. “Don’t. No reminders from that night, please.”
Molten blue flame blazed within the depths of Cade’s eyes and his mouth thinned to an angry line, but Jocelyn knew his ire wasn’t directed toward her.
Cade grasped her chin and brushed his lips against hers in a gesture of comfort. “I’m not them. I’d never hurt you. You’ve got to trust me.”
Swallowing hard, she managed to nod. “I know you wouldn’t. And I do, Cade…trust you I mean. But deep down, I don’t believe I deserve you. Yet, you’re here with me despite everything you’ve learned. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking you ought to be with someone who doesn’t have so many hang-ups. Someone younger, and who’s not so…damaged.”
He placed a lean, tanned finger against her lips. “Sweetheart, if I wanted to be with anyone else, do you think I’d be here with you right now? Even though we’ve spent these past weeks avoiding each other, you were all I could think about.” Pulling back, he put a few inches of distance between them. “Hell, it’s been seven long years and I haven’t gotten over you. Even when I tried to convince myself I hated you, I couldn’t. I’m insane with love for you, so don’t stand there and tell me who I should be with when my life isn’t worth a damn without you!”
Tears stung the backs of her eyes. Would it be selfish of her to accept what he’d offered? She couldn’t help but wonder if he was doing this out of some chivalrous need to protect her. But then again, Cade Devlin was a stubborn cuss who didn’t do anything he didn’t want to. “For what it’s worth, I never stopped loving you either. Not for a second.”
He closed the gap between them and cupped her face between his palms. “Baby, it’s worth a helluva lot.”
This time when their lips met, she returned his kiss and shyly thrust her tongue forward to meet his, circling it and savoring the taste of him.
Sweet Lord above, was that a flicker of pleasure that had just hit her? So sure she’d lost the ability to feel desire, it took her by complete surprise. Was it possible she could actually get past the night that had robbed her of her self-worth and confidence as a woman? She certainly intended to find out.
Cade broke the tight seal of their lips, panting for breath, his shirtless chest heaving. The look of naked arousal he shot her made Jocelyn tremble again, but this time, it wasn’t from uncertainty or fear. It was from the shameless need to lose herself in this beautiful man’s arms.
Gathering her courage, she boldly perused the taut contours of his chiseled frame. Heat rushed to her cheeks as she spied the thick bulge of his erection outlined by his pair of indecently tight jeans. Slowly, she ran her gaze over lean hips to the line bisecting the valleys and hollows of his washboard abdomen, then continued on to well-toned pectoral muscles lightly dusted with dark blond hair. He was all man.
And he was hers.
“Do you like what you see, baby?”
Anything she could have said in that moment would have sounded trite and insignificant, so Jocelyn simply nodded. It was almost as if this was just a beautiful dream she’d awake from any minute, and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin it.
Cade shook his head, his mouth twisted into that crooked grin of his. “Uh uh. I want to hear the words.”
Moistening her suddenly dry lips, it came to Jocelyn why he needed her verbal reassurance. Considering what she’d been through, he obviously wanted there to be no doubts between the two of them when all was said and done. And she loved him for it. It felt as if her heart would overflow with so much emotion swirling within her. Just when she thought she couldn’t love him more, he proved her wrong. “Yes. I like it very much.”
He raised one devilish brow. “Want me?”
“Yes.”
“Show me.”