Chapter Seven

An incessant buzzing, like a mosquito flying around your ear, dragged me unwillingly from my sleep with a groan. My lids fluttered open to the dark room, but my mind and body were not ready to move, digging my head deeper into the pillow. It didn’t last long though because muscles I didn’t even realize I had, ached and throbbed like each one had done double duty on a Tough Mudder training course. I had done gymnastics and dance for years and never felt this sore. Especially between my thighs.

“Shit. Shit,” Hunter hissed softly, slipping from the bed. He scoured the clothes on the floor until he found his cell.

“Hey,” he whispered into the phone, standing up, his back to me. My gaze flicked to the clock, it was the exact same time when his phone started going off yesterday morning.

“Sorry, was a bad night… was still sleeping.” Hunter kept his voice low, peering over his shoulder at me. I dropped my lids, feigning I was still asleep. There was a rustling of clothes, my lashes daring to rise. Phone to his ear, he slid on his boxer-briefs, tugging a clean shirt from his bag, listening to the person on the other end. I could hear the murmuring of a voice talking but couldn’t make out who it was or what they were saying to him.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” He spoke low, moving to the other side of the room, opening the laptop on the table. “You know I’ve been busy…” He sighed, the person’s voice on the other end rising. This time I could tell it was a woman. My heart drummed in my throat.

That boob-monger’s face popped into my head, her knowing smile. “Oh girl. He already has. And still does.”

I wanted to trust Hunter, but Colton’s string of infidelities tweaked the thread of doubt in my heart. I was insecure with Hunter where I had never been with Colton. And I hated it. He was constantly around these women, partying and drinking every night, inhibitions low and lust high. They were here when I wasn’t. My cynicism kicked in. This was why you should never date anyone whose job took them on the road. Relationships were tested, and cheating was definitely part of the culture. Faithful men were unicorns.

Maybe it was why I had been afraid to tell Hunter I was leaving. Deep down, I understood I could not expect to hold on to him when I was going to be gone for months.

“Hey.” Hunter’s voice held an edge of warning, hitting the keypad, the screen lighting his face. “Don’t guilt-trip me. I am trying my best, Krista. We talk almost every day.”

A javelin pierced my chest, breath catching in my throat. Krista? He talked to her every day? He had stopped calling or texting me, giving me a lame excuse, but Krista got daily calls?

Besides boob lady, Krista also filled me with apprehension. She would always have a blood tie to him I could never claim. She and Cody would always be in Hunter’s life.

“I’m switching over. Put him on.” Hunter slipped on his shirt, sitting down in the chair, hanging up the phone. A smile exploding over his face as the shrill sounds of a toddler’s voice squealed with delight.

“Hey, little man.” He touched the screen.

“Da-Da! Da-Da!” Cody’s voice chanted with excitement, breaking another piece of my heart. I adored how much Hunter loved Cody, took him on as his own, but that was also where the problem lay. I hated it as well. Selfish? Oh yeah. But I couldn’t help it. Truthfully, Krista and Cody had Hunter. Not me.

“What are you eating for breakfast?” Hunter touched the screen.

“Nannnna!” Cody chirped. “Boob-eeries.”

I could hear Krista’s laugh, deep and joyful. “He just learned that one. If I didn’t know better I’d think you taught him that.”

“Boob-eeries are the best.” Hunter chuckled. “You’ll like them even more when you’re older.”

“Hunter!” Krista laughed again, sounding comfortable and happy.

It was like a bat came out of nowhere, bashing me across the head, opening my naive eyes to what was in front of me. I was the outsider. Not even that promo girl had a chance. Not only were they a little family, but it felt obvious they would be together. It totally made sense.

Nothing tied me to him. If anything, our ties were only painful and traumatic, something best left in the past. He would always go back to Krista. To Cody. She’d always be the one who’d get the first phone call.

I didn’t begrudge her that. Cody should be first, but it did nothing to take away my pain.

“Da-Da. Huggie,” Cody’s voice took on a sad inflection.

“Oh, little man, you don’t know how much I want to hug you right now. I miss you so much.” Hunter’s hand pressed into his screen.

“He misses you too, Hunter. He asks for you all the time. Every night at bedtime he makes sure we will have breakfast with you the next morning.”

Hunter’s face flinched with pain and he looked away.

“When are you coming home?” Krista asked, Cody still calling for Hunter in the background. Liquid filled Hunter’s eyes as he rubbed his face, clearing his throat.

“Few more months, maybe longer.” Emotion choked a few of his words. “But I get a small break in three weeks, and I promise I’ll be there the moment I can.”

“Daaaa-Daaa!” Cody started to cry. “Wan Da-Da!”

“Ugg, little man.” Hunter pinched his nose, fighting back the tears. “I’ll be home soon, okay?”

“Cody, do you hear Daddy?” Krista asked, Cody squealing in the back. “He’ll be coming home to us soon.”

Gutted. My heart, my soul, her simple statement cutting me deeper than anything. Her calling Hunter daddy.

Coming home to us.

My teeth sawed into my bottom lip, tasting blood. My gaze dropped to the sheet covering my naked body.

“I’ve got to go,” Hunter said softly. “I’ll talk to guys tomorrow.”

“Okay. We love and miss you.”

“I love and miss you guys too. So much.” He gulped.

“Wave to Daddy.” Krista said. Hunter waved at the screen.

“Bye.” He sucked in, blinking rapidly, closing his computer screen with a soft click, slouching into the chair, scouring his face.

I felt paralyzed by the scene I just witnessed. The ache that had been all over our love-stricken bodies now collected in my chest, strangling my heart.

Seconds or minutes could have passed when Hunter cleared his throat again, peering over at the bed. His gaze caught mine, our eyes locking in a weighty silence. There was no doubt he knew I heard everything. An unspoken understanding exchanged between us, and I couldn’t hide my hurt. The barriers that had always tried to keep us apart, popped up like a mountain range.

“You call them every day?” I swallowed, sitting up, placing my feet on the floor, searching for my T-shirt.

“Jaymerson…” The guilt coating my name told me all I needed.

“No, Hunter.” I stood, finding the top, tugging it on. “Don’t.”

He shoved out of the chair, walking closer to me. “I call every morning because Cody doesn’t understand why I’m not there. Krista says it helps him to see me.”

Of course she did. I was starting to think Krista’s denial of her feelings for Hunter were complete bullshit. She played his “baby momma” far too well. She inserted Hunter as “her man” and Cody’s father way too easily.

“Oh wow.” A harsh scoff ripped from my heart. “You don’t get it. It’s not I’m mad because you are in contact with Cody. You should be. He’s a child… He needs you. It’s the fact that not only did you hide it from me, you lied. Gave me bullshit excuses you were too busy…” I tugged on my pants, no longer wanting to be naked around him. “It was also Krista you talked to yesterday morning, wasn’t it?”

He rubbed the back of his neck.

“That’s what I thought. You snuck into the bathroom because you knew what you were doing was wrong. And I don’t mean it is wrong talking to Cody, but they get you every morning, with promises of coming home. I get none of that, Hunter. And you acted like I was insane asking for it.”

“Krista initiated it. Honestly, between her and my mom calling, and my schedule, I didn’t have time to think. I’m sorry. I should have taken the time. I felt you of all people would understand… not demand anything from me.”

“Oh…” Anger drew out every drop of hurt, and I curled my hands into fists. “This is my fault?”

“No.” He shook his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?” I tossed up my arms.

“I’m being pulled so many ways; I’m barely keeping it together. My mom is turning into a drunk, threatening to kill herself daily for attention. My father has cut her off until the divorce is final, so I’m trying to help pay the bills. Krista calls me incessantly over Cody. Jones is adding more to my itinerary every minute. I have sponsors ready to bail, a career on the line,” he shouted, running his hand through his hair. “And you. You were the one thing who gives me peace.”

“All you had to do was tell me that. I deserve better. What we’ve been through together… If I supposedly make you happy, shouldn’t you want to call me? Hear my voice?”

His nostrils flared, my words stabbing him. It was the truth. If you loved someone, you should want them around.

“I know I fucked up. What the hell do you want from me?”

“Jesus, you sound like Colton.”

Anger colored his face. “Do not compare me to my brother. I am nothing like him.”

“I want to ask you something. Do not lie to me.” I rolled my shoulders back. “When was the last time you slept with someone? Before me.”

“Where the hell did that come from?” He gritted his teeth.

“Answer me.”

“Why? I don’t ask you what you did with my brother,” he snarled.

“You know we never had sex.”

“There’s more intimate things than sex.”

“Have you slept with a promo girl?”

He jerked back, his Adam’s apple bobbing, silence filling the room.

“Ah…” I nodded, looking away.

“So what? You know I’ve had sex before you. A lot of it, Jayme.” He moved, getting in my face. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Because when one of those girls comes up to me, the night after we finally have sex and tells me she has been and still is with you, it kind of fucks with my head.”

His eyes snapped back and forth between mine.

“When?” I whispered, acid dropping into my gut.

He stepped back, rubbing a hand over his mouth. “Was it Veronica who came up to you?”

She looked like a Veronica. “Dark hair, huge rack… I’d say you can’t miss her, but they all do start looking alike.”

He nodded, groaning.

“God, I’m such an idiot. This is no different. Both you and Colton parade me around like the sweet, naive, obedient girlfriend, while you nail the playmate behind my back.”

“Screw you, Jayme. Don’t mold me into Colton. I never cheated on you,” he spat, shaking his head at me. “I met her a long time ago. She did the smaller circuits with me before getting hired on by Monster. We’ve been thrown together a lot. We had fun. That was it. The last time I slept with her was a drunken, grieving night when you and I weren’t anything, when my whole world was tearing apart. She’s only on me again because I’m at the top… Well, I was.”

“Right.” I stared at the floor, my mouth twisting. “Another thing that’s my fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I heard you guys last night saying I was the reason you were distracted. Why you lost.”

He tipped his head back with a sigh.

“Jayme, it’s not your fault… That was completely me.” His hands clasped my arms, moving himself closer to me. “Yes, I was distracted, because all I could think of was you, being with you… I’ve been fantasizing about you for years, and you were finally real… Shit, I had to jerk off four times yesterday just to relax and concentrate.”

Desire weaved through my anger, the memory of his touch burning up my legs. He prowled in, cupping my face. “And now I’ve had you, tasted you, I don’t want to go without… Stay with me.”

“What?” I tipped back, staring up at him.

“At least till the end of the summer.” His lips brushed mine. “I want you on tour with me, by my side, cheering for me every night.”

By his side. Being the one to sacrifice, like my dreams were less than a man’s.

Most girls would give anything for the opportunity to follow their boyfriend on tour, but I wasn’t most girls. Not anymore.

“I… I can’t.” I pulled from his hold.

“Why? Because of your family? They’ll deal. You’re old enough to make your own decisions.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with my parents.” That was sort of a lie; my dad would flip out if I told him I was staying with Hunter all summer.

“Then what?” His brows furrowed, scanning my face. “You don’t want to?”

“It’s not that.” I nibbled my lip. “In a week and a half, I’m going to Italy for the summer school abroad program.”

He blinked once, slow and deliberate. Taking a huge step back from me, nerves along his jaw twitched. “What?”

“I’ve been meaning to tell you…”

“But you didn’t.” His chin flicked up. “Now who’s the one not being completely honest?”

“Hunter.”

“No!” A burst of rage flung out of his mouth. “You just raked me over the coals because I kept things from you, and here you are heading to fuckin’ Italy in a week. When were you going to tell me? When you got there?”

“No.” I stabbed my arms toward the floor. “It was not like you were around much for me to talk to you about anything. I was going to tell you this weekend.”

“First, you had plenty of time to tell me when I came home. And the phone works both ways. I don’t remember getting calls from you recently. And Jayme… it’s fuckin’ Sunday, only two hours before I get in my car and head out. Were you waiting until I was actually in my truck driving away?”

“Yes, it’s fuckin’ Sunday, but other things came up this weekend, and either I didn’t see you or when I did, we were a little busy.”

“Oh.” He chuckled derisively. “So it’s my fault.”

“For fuck’s sake!” I yelled, my arms waving in the air. “No. Yes. Maybe. It’s both of us, Hunter, and that’s what worries me. After all the shit we’ve gone through, we shouldn’t hide anything from each other.”

“Ask.” He opened his arms, indignation curling off him. “I’m not hiding anything from you. I fucked up, but I’m not keeping anything from you. I love you. I want you to be with me.”

“Stay by your side? Forgo Italy?” I lifted an eyebrow.

His jaw crunched down, his lids narrowing. “Why do I feel either way I answer I’m wrong?”

“Why?” I challenged, my hands on my hips.

“Because one is what you want to hear, but a lie, the other is the truth, but I’m an asshole.”

“You want me to stay?”

“Yes!” he exploded. “Sorry if it makes me a dick, but yeah, I want you here.”

“What if I asked you to come to Italy instead?” The taste of grief slithered over my tongue, already knowing his answer.

“You know I can’t. My career is starting to take off. This is my life. It’s everything to me.”

“Studying art in Italy means everything to me. It’s what I want to do with my life.”

“See, I’m the asshole.”

“No, you’re not.” My lids fluttered, my throat swelling with heartache. “It just makes it clear.”

“What?” he replied stiffly, his shoulders jerking back, his head inching up in defense.

“That we aren’t meant to be together,” I croaked out, my chest sinking against my lungs.

“Are you fucking serious?” Quiet anger vibrated through every syllable.

“Hunter, I love you, but I’m not going to be the person who follows a guy around instead of living her own life. I did it with Colton… I won’t do it again. I am no longer that girl, but I realized yesterday how easy I could fall back into being her. If I stayed with you, it would be on your schedule, when you could fit me in, my entire world revolving around you.”

“No—”

“Yes, it would.” I cut him off, gulping over the sob in my throat. “I got a taste of it yesterday, and it’s not your fault; it’s just how it is. But I would come to resent you. Hate myself for putting myself last.” A tear escaped, rolling down my cheek, my voice quivering. “Krista and Cody make it more concrete… I can never come first to you.”

“Jay—”

My hand went up, stopping his words again. “I understand, Hunter. God, it makes me love you more, the way you have taken Cody as your own. You guys are a family. Always will be. I’m not part of that. And maybe I’m the ass here, but for once I want to be someone’s first choice.”

“We’re back here again?” His expression and body were emotionless, his walls stacking in place. “You’re walking away again. Giving up on us.”

“You think this is easy for me?” I cried out, stabbing my fingers into my chest. “It’s killing me, Hunter. But staying will destroy us both in the end. Everything in my heart is screaming to stay, but my soul knows if I do, I won’t be the girl you love. I’ll be a shell. I’ll lose myself.” I gulped, more tears falling down my face.

His neck jerked to the side, his hand rubbing briefly over his eyes.

“Then you should go, Jaymerson.”

Sobs lined up in my chest, shoving toward my lips to get out. “Hunter, I don’t want to leave it like this.”

“What did you expect?” he roared. “That we could be friends? Jesus, Jayme, you’re smarter than that. We could never be only friends.” He glared at me, shaking his head. “Just go.”

“Hunter…”

“Get. Out.” His teeth were clenched so tightly I could hear his jaw pop.

“I’m so sorry,” I heaved, gasping in air.

“I’m not going to ask again,” his voice almost pleaded. Then his body jerked for the door, swinging it open, motioning for me to exit. “I need you to leave now.”

Scooping up my shoes, I stumbled for the door, my legs barely holding me up. The grief swelled over my head like a wave about to crash down on me. I looked at him, his blue eyes full of hate and anger, knowing this was the last time I was going to see him. Our paths would have no reason to cross again. Anguish burned at my seams, threatening to incinerate me, leave me nothing but ash.

Shit, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t walk away from him. My mouth parted to tell him, when he leaned in.

“Get the fuck out, Jaymerson.” His voice cut through me like a sword. Sucking in, I stepped past him, knowing this was for the best. The door slammed behind me, smashing everything we once had into millions of broken pieces.

Vacantly, I stumbled down the hall, my head and heart building a wall against the onslaught of sorrow seeping into my soul. Once at my room, I took a few steps in, staring at the rug.

“Whiskey, that you?” I heard Stevie call from the bathroom. “Oh my god, you need to hear about my adventures with Russell last night…” She prattled on, my brain only skimming over her words. “Whiskey?” Her head poked around the corner. “Hey… Are you okay?”

Blinking, I felt my head waggle in the negative, but I couldn’t recall telling myself to do it. My soul felt like it was separating itself from me too. A choking sound came from my chest as my knees dropped to the floor.

“Whiskey!” Stevie’s screamed, running to me. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

The sea of water hung over my head, then plunged down on me, drowning me in grief, swallowing me whole in gut-wrenching pain. Silent sobs wracked my chest. The loss of Hunter tore me apart worse than when I woke up in the hospital, paralyzed, Colton dead. This anguish was my own doing.

Stevie’s arms wrapped around me, holding me tightly as my wails tore through the room, my heart broken and dead on the floor.