It’s been twelve hours since they attempted to revive Victoria, twelve hours of sheer fucking hell. Her brain has shut down and she’s being kept alive by machines.

Shoulders slumped, I lean forward in the hospital chair, holding her cold, lifeless hand. I feel empty inside. Empty and numb. My breath hitches, and my throat burns with unshed tears.

Her mother has just bid her a tearful farewell, all the while shooting me reproachful looks. Diana is right to blame me for this train wreck; Victoria is an innocent bystander to the fucking mess I made of things.

I’ll never forgive myself.

Ever.

I brush my thumb across the back of her hand, then bend to kiss her soft lips. How can this be Victoria lying here so lifeless? She was always incredibly alive. Vibrant. The life and soul of every party we went to. It’s what drew me to her when we first met. I’m an introvert. Always have been. A man of few words, I suppose you could say…

I remember the first time I saw her. It was at a charity ball to raise money for the Children’s Hospital. We were both in relationships with other people at the time. I’m not a cheater; my girlfriend, Emily, and I had already agreed to a split.

Emily didn’t enjoy the fact that I’m not into vanilla sex that much. We hadn’t even moved in together and our break up was a mutual decision. She was about to leave the UK anyway; her job as a fashion designer was taking her to New York. Emily had only agreed to come to the charity event with me because I needed a ‘plus one’.

I know it’s a cliché to say you’d caught someone’s eye across a crowded room, except that’s exactly what happened between Victoria and me. She was surrounded by a group of friends, her arm looped through her then boyfriend’s. I leaned against a column at the side of the ballroom, excitement stirring in my loins as I stared at her tall slim body, heart-shaped face and long dark blonde hair. She glanced toward me, and our eyes met. I saw something flicker in her expression... a response that made my heart pound.

All I had to do was wait.

It didn’t take long.

Victoria found me sitting at the bar, alone... Emily had already taken a taxi to her apartment in Notting Hill.

“Hello,” Victoria introduced herself, holding out her hand. “I know who you are.”

I laughed, and she told me she’d seen my picture on Facebook, posted by a mutual friend. Her boyfriend arrived to claim her, but not before Victoria and I had exchanged phone numbers. She ditched him within a week, and the following month moved in with me. Everything between us was perfect.

My brother called her a gold-digger, but that isn’t the case. Victoria gives the impression of being a party girl, what’s known as a ‘Sloanie’ because she grew up in the preppy culture of London near Sloane Square. Gleb and I grew up in it too. When we arrived here from Moscow, our father sent us to private schools and we lacked for nothing.

I stare past Victoria at the ventilator. My heart is weeping; I know that my wife has already passed. She signed an organ donation card a while ago, which is why her body is being kept alive. They’re about to harvest her heart and everything else that can be reused. Part of me is glad of that, in some way she’ll live on, but there’s a sour taste in my mouth at the same time. She shouldn’t be lying here about to be cut open. She should be at home with me and Leo. A lone tear rolls down my cheek, and I brush it away with the back of my hand.

“It’s time for me to say goodbye, sweetheart.” More tears furrow my cheeks as I squeeze her fingers. “I love you. I’ll always love you, my darling. There’ll never be anyone else for me.” I breathe through my agony; I’m being torn apart. “Take care of the baby you were carrying, my love.” I bend and kiss her motionless lips. “I’ll look after Leo. I’ll never let anything bad happen to him, I promise.”

I’m sobbing loudly when Victoria’s nurse comes through the door. She gives me a sympathetic look. “We’re ready to take your wife to theatre, Mr Sokolov.”

I bend and kiss Victoria again. “Rest peacefully,” I tell her through my tears.

Another nurse comes into the room; between them, they wheel my wife away.

Letting out a wail of anguish, I bare my teeth, plant my legs wide and punch my fist into the wall behind the bed. The flesh is torn from my knuckles and the pain is excruciating. But it’s nothing like as bad as the agony ripping through my soul.

* * *

All the way home from the hospital, I think about what I’m going to tell my son. How do you explain death to a two-year-old, even a two-year-old as bright and articulate as Leo?

I park the car and stride up to Diana’s front door, Tom striding next to me and scanning the street for any signs of danger.

I lift my hand to the bell, but the door opens immediately.

Diana is standing there, her face stricken.

Before she can say anything, Leo appears and wraps his arms around my knees. He looks up at me. “Where’s Mama?”

I take his hand and lead him into the living room, where we can be by ourselves. I lift him onto my knee. “Mama won’t be coming home.” I clench my jaw.

He squirms and turns to stare at me, his eyes huge. “Why?”

“The doctors at the hospital couldn’t fix her.”

He frowns. “Why?”

I’m not thinking straight; I blurt out that a bad man hurt her so much she couldn’t be fixed.

“Like my teddy when all the stuffing came out?”

The analogy is like a punch in the gut. I nod, unable to trust myself to speak. If I did, I would scare him with a wail of pain.

The door opens, and Leo’s nanny Claire comes into the room. “I’ve packed our things,” she says in a false-bright tone. “Ready when you are.”

Leo wriggles from my hold. “Let’s go home, Daddy.” He tugs my hand, pulling me towards the hallway.

“We’d better say goodbye to Granny first.” I glance around. “Ah, there she is.”

Diana must have been waiting for us. She bends to kiss Leo before going to open the front door.

Leo runs ahead, safely shielded by Tom and Claire.

Diana places her hand on my arm. “I wish you’d leave my grandson here.”

I shake my head. “He belongs with me.”

“That’s all very well for you to say.” She keeps her voice low. “Now is not the time or the place, but there are things we need to discuss.”

“Of course. Why don’t you come over to the house after I’ve put Leo to bed this evening? We can talk without him overhearing our conversation. He’s been through enough.”

Diana huffs out a breath. “Alright. I’ll see you later.”

* * *

After Claire has fed Leo his favourite lunch of spaghetti with meatballs, which I hardly touch I’ve so lost my appetite, I cover my grazed knuckles with a bandage then snuggle with him on the sofa. His warm chubby body rests against mine while we watch Disney DVDs. I drop off for a short while, not having slept a wink last night, to be woken by him requesting a walk in the park. I have to refuse him, however; I’m almost certainly still a target. I make up the excuse of feeling too tired, which isn’t a lie.

Fuck, am I to spend the rest of my life looking behind my shoulder?

Will there be no end to this hell?

Later, Claire gives Leo his supper before going to her room at the top of the house. I bath him, dry him with a soft towel, and put on his diaper and pyjamas.

“Can you read me a bedtime story?” His little face is pinched with tiredness. “The one about the bear hunt?”

“Of course.” I lift him into his cot.

Leo reaches for the pacifier that’s tucked under his pillow and starts sucking sleepily.

I hear my voice droning on; I’m able to read aloud with one part of my brain and think my thoughts with the rest of it.

I draw my brows together and rub at my face. What a clusterfuck my life has become. Gleb and I started working for Papa after we graduated from Harvard Business School. He said he wanted a better life for us than the swamp of organized crime. Didn’t work out that way, though. Gleb’s fault. The reprisal, when it eventually came, was so fucking ruthless it led me to where I am today. Bereft of my parents, mourning my wife, doing everything I can to protect my son’s life.

I exhale a long, slow breath. Leo has fallen asleep, his long dark eyelashes brushing his rounded cheeks. The pacifier has dropped out of his mouth, but I leave it there in case he needs it during the night. I bend and kiss his warm forehead, then tiptoe from the room.

Diana has already arrived when I go downstairs. Tom has let her into the sitting room and given her a cup of tea.

I need something stronger than tea. I pour myself a brandy from the decanter on the sideboard and sit in the armchair opposite her.

“I won’t beat about the bush.” She twists her hands in her lap. “I’d like you to let Leo live with me. He’ll be much better off.”

I grit my teeth. “I can take care of him.”

“What do you mean, you can take care of him?” Her voice rises. “You were unable to take care of my daughter. How can I expect you to take care of my grandson?” Her face has turned red. She’s like an older version of Victoria. Just the sight of her pangs in my gut.

I narrow my eyes. “I’m sorry for everything that has happened. What more can I say? You can rest assured I’ll do everything in my power to protect Leo.” I pause, take in a breath. “I won’t be able to do that if he lives with you. He’d be far more vulnerable.”

“Vulnerable to those mobsters?” she huffs. “I don’t understand how you endangered your family like that.”

“Listen, Diana.” I fix her in my gaze. “I was forced to take matters into my own hands. There was no alternative.”

I watch her as she digests the information.

“Was it worth it?” she asks eventually, shaking her head. “Was it worth losing Victoria?”

“Of course, it bloody wasn’t. I’d have given my own life for hers, believe me.”

Her eyes well up with tears. “Please don’t take Leo away from me. He’s all I have left.”

I reach across and squeeze her hand. “You can see him whenever you want. I won’t stop you.”

“Thank you.” Her smile wavers. “I suppose we should talk about Victoria’s funeral.”

I nod, and my stomach fucking churns.