Chapter Fourteen
The hot water ran over her shoulders, washing away the soapy residue. Behind her, Adam’s hands worked their magic as he lathered more soap onto her back, massaging her pleasantly stiff muscles.
“Mmm. That’s good,” she purred.
“Very good.” He slid his slippery hands around her ribs to cup her breasts.
She leaned back into him, and he nuzzled her cheek. “Did you enjoy tonight?”
He chuckled in her ear. “As if you even need to ask.”
Lexi smiled the smile of a well-satisfied woman. “I meant this evening. The dinner.”
He ran his hands hypnotically over her stomach. “It was nice. They’re a good crowd.”
“They liked you, too.”
“They did?” He sounded surprised.
“Yep. Told me so when you went to the bathroom. They managed to squeeze it in between the four million questions about you and me.”
His hands stilled. “What did you say?”
“Not much. Just that you’re a nice guy and the only man who’s ever given me six orgasms in one night.”
He snorted. “You didn’t.”
“’Course I didn’t. Even though you are the only man who’s ever given me six orgasms in one night.” She turned in his arms and they shared a long, wet kiss, drawing apart only when the water ran tepid.
Adam switched off the taps and climbed out of the shower. He held a towel open for her, wrapped her in it, and then proceeded to dry himself. Lexi watched the muscles in his arms and shoulders ripple as he rubbed his towel over his hair in quick, hard strokes. A shaft of desire stabbed through her. They’d made love not thirty minutes ago and still she wanted him.
“I know the evening couldn’t have been easy for you,” she said carefully. “All that talk about babies. Jesus, even I thought about Timmy. I can only imagine what went on in your head.”
He dried a little faster. “It’s not my favorite topic of conversation.”
“That’s why you were so quiet,” Lexi said.
“This is a happy time for Leona and Annie. It wasn’t my place to cast a shadow over their telling.” He wrapped his towel around his waist and turned around.
Their eyes met in the mirror, and her heart began to pound. God, she loved him.
Goddamn it, she wished he could love her back, but until he’d resolved his issues about his son, he’d never allow himself that luxury. He didn’t have the capacity to live his life to the fullest while he still grieved for Timmy. “Do you think the pain will ever ease?”
He shrugged. “I’d like to reach a point when I can think about Timmy and smile. Remember the good times.”
She bit her lip. “Have you…did you ever mourn Timmy after he died?”
His eyes turned hard. “I mourn him every day of my life.”
“I know you do. I can see it. Your wounds are still raw ten years later.” No wonder he appeared so cold the first time he’d met her. He used distance as a means of hiding his trauma. If no one could get close, no one could see his injuries. “You never allowed yourself a chance to heal.”
“You expect me to heal after what happened?” His tone was harsh.
“I don’t expect anything. I…” She had to tread carefully. “I wish you were free of your guilt of living.”
“What are you implying?” His eyes grew cold. “That I should be glad I lived and Timmy died?”
“You know I’m not.”
For a moment his shoulders sagged. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve wished our roles had been reversed? How many times I wished I were the one who’d been sick and not Timmy? Do you know what it’s like to watch your child die? To live through your child’s death?” He turned around and grabbed her shoulders. “Do you know how impossible it is not to mourn, not to spend every minute of your life reliving the last minutes of your son’s? I don’t think you do. I don’t think you have a fucking clue.”
His grief was so intense it was almost tangible. How much of it had he kept buried inside all this time, festering? Expressing it in the only way he knew how—as rage or disinterest in the rest of the world.
Even now, when his sorrow and heartache were so plainly evident, he manifested the pain as anger.
“I don’t think anyone has a fucking clue. You want me to live guilt-free? Yeah? Well how fucking easy do you think that is? Should I pretend it never happened? Move on and get another life? Have another kid? Is that what you want from me?”
Lexi dealt with wrath like this every day with patients who’d lost children to cancer. Only Adam wasn’t work; he was personal. With clients, she kept her distance and her objectivity. With Adam, she couldn’t. His hurt was too real to her. His temper affected her.
“I want you to be happy again. The only way you can do that is by mourning your son. You have to feel the pain to get through it. Allow the hurt in, deal with it, accept it. Maybe then you’ll be able to find a place for happiness, too.”
“You think I don’t let the pain in?”
“I think you do. All the time. But you don’t express it. You keep it bottled up so tight it only comes out when you’re asleep and have no control over it.”
A muscle twitched in his jaw, and his mouth clenched shut.
“Let go, Adam. Let your emotions out. You want to feel again. You said so in the mountains.”
“Oh, it’s that simple, is it? I should let myself cry for a few days, and then I’ll be fine. I’ll be the old Adam all over again. Not a worry in the world.”
Lexi shook her head. “You’ve been through too much to ever be the same. Timmy’s illness changed you. It would be unrealistic to expect to go back to what you were before, but to expect to experience joy again isn’t. It’ll be different, because you’re different.” She touched his arm. “Let go of Timmy. Let yourself mourn him properly so you can say good-bye. So you can start to live again.”
“What if I don’t want to live, not without him?”
“I think you do.” She took a deep breath. “You’re with me now. Something’s telling you it’s time to try again. To give life another shot.”
“Fuck that. I don’t deserve another shot.”
“You don’t deserve to be happy?”
“I don’t deserve to be with you.” His voice lost its life. “I tried to be with a woman once. I failed. Our son died.”
“He didn’t die because of you.”
“I couldn’t help him.”
“No one could. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I was his father.”
“Yeah, but you’re not God. What happened to Timmy was out of your hands. That doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself. Tracey was his mother and she couldn’t help him, either. She understood that.”
“She’s happy again.”
“You can be, too.”
“I want to be.” He dropped his head. “The thought of moving on, it’s too—” He stopped mid-sentence and the color drained from his face.
“Adam?”
“Oh, shit.”
“What is it?”
“How could I be so stupid?” His face was white and his eyes had turned to ice crystals.
“What are you talking about?”
“Protection. We didn’t use any tonight.” He hit the basin with his palm. “The condoms are still in my wallet.”
Oh. Shit.
“Hell.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “An unwanted pregnancy’s the last thing I need.”
It wasn’t exactly on top of her list of priorities, either. One day, yes—but not now. “Adam—”
“I’m an idiot. I was so turned on, I completely forgot.” He stared at her. “This is a problem, Lexi. A very big problem.”
He wasn’t kidding. His little swimmers could be hastily making their way to her ovaries right this minute. One of them might have struck it lucky already.
She blanched.
Adam stalked into the living room.
She darted after him.
He snatched his clothes up from the floor, shoved his legs into his pants, and pulled them up.
“Wait, what are you doing?”
“I have to go.”
“You’re leaving?” In the middle of everything? They needed to discuss this. Leaving wouldn’t resolve anything.
“I’m going overseas tomorrow.”
“I know.” Panic clawed at her chest. “We should talk, work this out before you leave.”
“You think talking will stop you falling pregnant?” He did up his belt. “I have to pack.”
She gawked at him. “Because packing’s a more effective means of birth control?”
Adam’s acerbic glare made Lexi want to bite her tongue. Sarcasm had no place here. “Please, think calmly for a minute. We can’t assume this…mistake will result in a pregnancy. In fact, it’s unlikely at this time of the month.” At least she prayed it was. She wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility. “But we have to work out how we’d deal with it if I am.”
“If you are?” He glowered at her. “You know my thoughts about kids. I told you, I don’t want to have more.”
“Oh, well, that’s fabulous. If the packing doesn’t work, maybe your insistence you don’t want kids will prevent a pregnancy. Yeah, sure. Go on home and pack. It’s all good here. Nothing to worry about now.”
So much for losing the sarcasm.
“My son died. I cannot, will not, go through that again.”
“I know,” she said gently. “And it destroyed you. But Timmy’s death has nothing to do with tonight, and his dying won’t change the outcome of our negligence.”
“What do you want to hear? That I’ll be thrilled if you are knocked up? That my reasons for not wanting a family are bullshit?”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all, and you know it.” Lexi tensed. “I get why you don’t want children, Adam. But understanding how much you suffered when Timmy was sick doesn’t solve our problem.”
“Nope, it sure doesn’t.” He jammed his arms into his sleeves and yanked his shirt on. “This is all I need. Two weeks overseas, wondering whether you’re pregnant or not. Working out what to do if you are.”
“It’s not up to you to find a solution. It’s up to both of us.”
“This complication started with both of us. From here on, I’ll sort things out.”
Her jaw dropped. “Alone?”
He gave a sharp nod and reached for his socks.
Was he crazy? They faced a crisis which might involve her body for the next nine months, and possibly a lifetime of responsibility thereafter, and he thought he’d sort it out…alone? “Because you’re the only one affected by this? It’s your body that faces almost a year of change and upheaval?”
“Because I don’t want more kids, and I forgot the fucking condom, so I’ll sort out the mess I created.”
Lexi narrowed her eyes. He made no acknowledgment of the two of them being in this together, nor gave any indication that she was involved, too. He thought only about how this problem related to himself. “Don’t you mean the mess we created?”
“Whatever. I’ll work something out.”
“Not on your own, you won’t. This isn’t the kind of issue you can control and manipulate to please yourself. There’s another person involved.” She pointed to herself. “We need to work together.”
“Don’t kid yourself. There is no ‘we,’ and you and I won’t be working together. It’s being together that got us into this mess in the first place.” He shoved his hand through his hair. “Christ, I should have known better,” he muttered. “I should never have gotten involved with you.”
Anger exploded in her belly, and just like that, Lexi had enough.
Adam had once again changed from a tender and passionate lover to the arrogant, self-involved asshole she’d met in his office. His behavior was unacceptable, and she refused to put up with it. “You know what? You’re right. You shouldn’t have gotten involved with me. Or more to the point, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you. I’ll put it down to bad judgment on my part. Or temporary insanity.” She picked up his shoes, walked to the front door, and opened it. “Well, it was fun while it lasted. Or not really. Anyway, off you go.” She gestured outside. “Time to pack. Enjoy Hong Kong. Hope you come to some fascinating solutions to the problem while you’re away.”
He crossed the room, frowned, and hesitantly raised his hand as if to touch her.
She wasn’t having a bar of it. She was through with being touched by Adam Riley. Lexi shoved his shoes at him. “G’bye then. Fly safely.” She nudged him out of her flat.
“This isn’t—”
She shut the door in his face, cutting off anything else he might have said.
...
Lexi collapsed on her bed moments later, aghast. Had that really happened?
Had the man she’d fallen in love with just voiced his regret about getting involved with her?
This was not the happy ending she’d always dreamed about. Instead of looking forward to a future where she and Adam might have been able to give a relationship a real go, she existed in a nightmarish world of bad mistakes.
The first mistake had been giving him another chance. The second had been forgetting the condom.
Now she faced her biggest mistake of all—the prospect of a pregnancy with a child whose father was so emotionally damaged he couldn’t see further than the pain that consumed him.