Chapter Sixteen
Adam wasn’t waiting for her.
According to Genevieve, he wasn’t even in Sydney. His secretary didn’t know where he was, and if she did, she wasn’t telling the crazy lady who’d stormed into her boss’s office.
Lexi went home with a heavy heart. So much for her chance to face him again.
She and Adam had made incredible progress. They’d forged a bond she knew he’d never have dreamed possible. With a little more time, she was convinced she could have broken down all of his barriers and given him reason to want a future again.
One mistake, one stupid, thoughtless oversight on both of their parts, and everything was ruined. Adam had pulled back, reining in every one of his emotions and bringing their budding relationship to a screeching halt. He’d hurt her, insulted her, and pushed her away again. It baffled her how arrogant and stubborn the man could be when his defenses were up.
If he could drop his emotional barricades, he’d see how good they could be together.
But no, not Adam. He was too damn guarded. He’d searched for a reason not to go the distance with her. The forgotten condom was the perfect excuse. He’d used it as the motive to destroy any chance they might have had.
Or maybe Lexi was mistaken. Maybe she hadn’t gotten as close as she’d thought.
Perhaps she was to blame for everything falling apart. Perhaps, instead of breaking down his defenses, she’d reinforced them. By pushing him to face his past when he wasn’t ready, she’d destroyed their chance at a future.
The doorbell rang, jarring her out of her thoughts.
She didn’t want to see anyone. She wanted to wallow in self-pity alone, away from prying eyes. If she sat quietly and pretended not to be there, maybe whoever it was would go away.
The doorbell rang a second time, and then a third.
“Lexi?”
She froze.
“Open up.”
His voice was muted, but she’d recognize it anywhere.
“Please. Let me in.”
Holy shit. He’d come to her.
What would she do, what would she say? Would it be inappropriate to not say anything? Maybe she could open up, kick him in the shin—or the balls—and slam the door closed.
Or maybe she could grab him by the collar, haul him close, and kiss him. Fuck him right there in the doorway.
“You can’t ignore me forever.”
What if she cried? What if the anxiety and relief of seeing him again were too much and she lost it completely? She’d sobbed all over Daniel earlier.
“Open the door, sweetheart.”
She did, although her hands shook so hard she had trouble with the lock.
And there he was, looking better than she ever remembered. A little thinner, perhaps, but still heart-stoppingly gorgeous.
Those shoulders, those enormous shoulders. She wanted to throw herself between them so he could wrap his arms around her. Then she’d feel safe again, secure in the knowledge that he was back.
Or maybe she could slam her own shoulder into his solar plexus and shove him out of her doorway and out of her life forever. Permanently this time.
Adam greeted her quietly. “We need to talk.”
His voice ripped through her heart like a hurricane. Her ribs constricted, making breathing difficult.
“May I?” He gestured to come in.
She stepped wordlessly aside, terrified of what he’d say. And of what she’d say and how she’d say it.
Adam filled her lounge room. His aftershave left a delicious trail in his wake, and the scent caught Lexi by surprise.
God, he smelled good.
For a brief moment, the prospect of being pregnant with his child didn’t seem so awful—not if it meant she could keep him in her life forever.
She dismissed the thought as soon as it popped into her head.
He sat on her couch, pausing only to place a brown paper bag on the coffee table.
Lexi numbly chose a chair opposite, eyeing the bag cautiously. Her attention flicked from Adam to the parcel and then, because she couldn’t keep her eyes off him, back to Adam. His beautiful face was expressionless.
There was no sign of the storm that had thundered through him three weeks ago. But then there was no indication of remorse, either. She couldn’t read his mood at all.
“Go ahead. Open it.”
What was it? A peace offering? A restraining order?
“It won’t bite. I promise.”
Was that an attempt at a joke?
No. There was no humor in his eyes, only a steady intensity that made her heart race.
Her silence hung around her. She couldn’t think of a single intelligible thing to say. Better than shooting her mouth off, she supposed, and saying something she’d regret later.
Better to remain quiet until she found the appropriate words to tell him she wasn’t pregnant.
While her head and heart spun crazily, her body danced to an unsteady beat. Every nerve ending flared to life. He was here, meters away, and the physical awareness sent goose bumps skittering over her skin.
It didn’t matter how bad things were between them, the mutual attraction was always there, zapping them both, scorching Lexi with its intensity.
Curiosity got the better of her, and she picked up the bag shakily and peeked inside.
A rational sentence finally formed in her head. “This isn’t necessary,” she told him, thinking it nothing less than a miracle that she could talk. Her tongue was glued to the roof of her mouth.
“It is. I’m a responsible man, and I hold myself accountable for my actions.”
Of course he did. He held himself accountable, and therefore he’d fix it. His way. Lexi gave him a hollow smile and tossed the package on the table. “I don’t need a pregnancy test. I’m not pregnant.”
He sat up straight. “How do you know?”
“I got my period.”
“Oh.” He shook his head. Frowned. “I…uh… Oh.”
He sank back in his chair, silent, and she gave him a minute to digest the news.
Inscrutable emotion filtered through his eyes as he stared past her. Finally, he nodded. “There’s no baby.”
“No, much to your relief, I’m sure, there’s no baby. You’re free to leave.” He’d come to her of his own volition—to resolve his unfinished business. Now that the business was settled, what reason did he have to remain? “You’ve fulfilled your duty. You’ve got your answer. There really is no reason for you to be here any longer.”
Her insides danced wildly, nervous tremors taking over.
He looked at her. “I’m a real bastard.”
Lexi blinked at his unexpected response.
His demeanor was different somehow. He was different. She couldn’t pin down exactly how. He just wasn’t the same.
“You have your moments.”
Adam cringed. “My behavior’s been inexcusable.”
She didn’t contradict him. She couldn’t have if she wanted to—which she didn’t. Her heart hammered so loud it was impossible to hear her thoughts over the roar of blood in her ears, never mind voice them.
Adam leaned toward her. “I acted like a dick that night.”
It took a ridiculous amount of effort, but she managed to collect her wits and answer in a steady voice. “I’m glad you can see that.”
“I was a complete prick, and I apologize.”
Lexi should accept his apology and end the conversation. Sitting this close to him was too difficult. She wanted to touch him. Either tear his clothes off and mold herself to his naked body or slam her fist into his stomach and wind him.
Both options tempted her, and both were out of the question. Wiser to ask him to leave so she wouldn’t have to endure the torment of the million and one goose bumps shivering on her skin.
But she couldn’t do that, either. There were too many burning issues she needed resolved. Too many reasons she wanted him to stay.
She squared her shoulders and asked one question. “What would you have done if I was pregnant?”
He sighed. “Does it matter now?”
“Yes.” The fact he’d come to her tonight with the test meant he’d found a way to sort out the pregnancy problem.
The question was, how would he have resolved the issue? By staying with her and raising another child? Offering financial assistance and nothing more? Insisting on a termination? Had he reached some other solution he’d thought viable?
A muscle worked in his jaw. “Whatever needed doing.”
“Uh uh. Too vague.” She wanted specifics.
He sighed and stared at a point on the wall behind her.
“I went home,” he said. “Back to Perth.”
That wasn’t an answer. “I’m not following you…”
“I haven’t been back in ten years. Not since I filed for divorce.”
If she’d thought she was good at diversionary tactics, Adam was obviously an expert. Despite waiting for his response, she was intrigued. He’d told her he couldn’t stay in Perth after Timmy’s death. He hated everything the city represented, and yet he’d gone there now. “I thought you were in Hong Kong.”
“I went to Perth afterward. I got back a few hours ago.”
Which explained why he wasn’t in Sydney this last week. “Why did you go?”
“Because of you. Because of me.” He kept staring at the invisible point behind her back.
Again, she noticed he seemed different somehow. Less removed, maybe?
“I went to visit Timmy. To spend some time with…” He cleared his throat. “To spend some time at his grave, speak to him a little.”
Lexi pressed her hand to her chest. “You did?”
“I went to say good-bye.” He finally looked at her. Where she expected to see heartache and pain, all she found was quiet calm. The haunted quality that usually shadowed his eyes was gone. “And to let go of my anger. You were right. I’d been holding on to it too tight.”
She floundered, overwhelmed by his confession. She never dreamed she’d hear him say that. Never thought for one second he’d face his past head-on. “That couldn’t have been easy.”
“It got ugly. You ever see a grown man cry?” His laugh was empty and trailed off as her answer hung silently between them. She’d seen him cry.
“I can’t say I’m not sad anymore. I am. I always will be. I can’t even say I’ve accepted Timmy’s death. But I guess I’m coming to terms with it. Learning to live with it.”
He’d done it. He’d taken a giant leap and faced his grief. Dear God, that must have been impossible. It must have ripped his world apart. Nevertheless, he’d done it—and he’d survived.
That’s when she worked out what was different about him. He’d lost his edginess. The cold detachment was gone. Before her sat a man who was ready to participate in life again. Ready to live—and not just exist.
Would he want to include her in that new life? Did she want to be included after everything he’d subjected her to?
Not having answers drove her crazy. She was an emotional wreck, pretending to be objective and disinterested when she was still so angry and so crazy in love with him she could hardly see straight. Her stomach was a mass of wobbly jelly.
She couldn’t let him see what he did to her. Not yet, not until he’d told her about Perth, about Timmy.
“You seem different,” she said. “You’re less aloof, less angry with the world.” Less angry with her.
“I am. Or at least I’m starting to be.”
“You can’t be healed overnight.” Grief took a long time to overcome. She’d hate for him to have false expectations.
“I can’t be happy overnight, either. I can be happier, though, and I am.” He paused. “I went to see Tracey’s sons.”
“Timmy’s brothers?” Holy shit. He’d scaled mountains in Perth.
He nodded.
“Adam… Where did you find the courage?”
“It wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it would be. I guess I’d built them up in my mind, made them into something they’re not.”
How’d he do that? Clear such an enormous hurdle without even touching the bar? “Did they…did either of them look like Timmy?”
He shook his head. “Not really, no. Can you believe that? All this time that’s what kept me away. There were similarities. Corey, the younger one, has the same quirky smile and behaves the way Timmy used to. Although that could be regular three-year-old behavior and not specific to brothers.”
He was so okay with it, Lexi thought. So…untraumatized.
“Jason has the same hair color, but other than that, nothing. I think whatever else I recognized in them was more their resemblance to Tracey than anything.” He shrugged. “They’re good kids, both of them. But they’re not Timmy.”
“Did you…are you okay?” What an inadequate question. It didn’t begin to cover everything he must have experienced.
“Actually, yeah. It was harder to drive to the house and ring the doorbell than it was to talk to them. The anticipation was worse than the reality.”
She found herself staring at his long, strong fingers, resisting the impulse to take them in hers.
“It’s a relief to realize I can be around kids again and not resent them for living when my son didn’t. You were right. Timmy’s death wasn’t anybody’s fault. It was just something that happened. Something I couldn’t prevent. Something no one could have.” He looked into her eyes. “You helped me see that, and for that I am eternally grateful.”
He’d done it because of her and because he’d thought she might be pregnant. He’d needed to confront his past before he could deal with his present or future. He’d done it because, because…
She couldn’t continue her line of thought. He’d done it. That was all that was important.
And then he smiled, flashing her the traffic-stopper.
Her heart crashed into her ribcage, which in turn smashed through any previous resolve to hold back and keep her cool. The walls of the dam burst open, and everything came tumbling out of her mouth. She couldn’t stop the words. Didn’t even try.
“I love you, Adam Riley. I don’t care if you’ve sworn off ever loving again or you don’t want a future with me. I love you. I love that you tried to let me into your life…” She heaved in a breath. Her heart beat so damn fast, she couldn’t seem to draw enough oxygen into her lungs.
He had tried to let her in. He hadn’t succeeded, but he’d tried.
“I love that you came back when you thought I was pregnant—even though you don’t want children.” She started to cry. “I love how much you love your son, and I love how hard you’ve tried to come to terms with his death.”
She took a deep breath, attempted to stem the tears, and only cried harder. “I don’t love the way you treat me sometimes. When you push me away, or ignore my worth and opinions, and fall back on your arrogance, all so you can protect yourself. I…I hate that, and I’d never put up with it again. But the other side of you, this human side…that I love.”
Lexi cried for her pain and anger, and for his. She cried for Timmy. She cried because although Adam had come so far, she still didn’t think he was capable of returning her love. Lastly, she cried because she couldn’t help it.
“It’s okay that you don’t love me,” she said shakily. “That you can’t love me back. I’m just happy you’re willing to give life a second chance. I’m happy that you’re ready to move on.” She was happy for him. It didn’t mean her heart wasn’t shattering into thousands of pieces.
She was a mess. Her nose ran, her mascara left smudges on her hand when she swiped uselessly at her tears, and her skin had turned all blotchy. It always did when she cried.
“I know I should be sorry I pushed you so hard, made you confront Timmy’s death. I’m not, because look at you. You’re…you’re recovering. You’re happier. I can’t be sorry for that.” She sniffed loudly.
She had to give herself credit. When she let go, she really had her say. No holding back for Lexi Tanner. Maybe one day she’d learn to think before she spoke, but today wasn’t that day.
Adam probably thought she was a lunatic. She thought she was a bit of a lunatic. She grabbed some tissues from her pocket and blew her nose noisily. Then she blotted her eyes, took a deep breath, and drew her shoulders straight.
“So.” She looked at Adam, saw his bemused face properly for the first time since she’d started crying. “As I said, I’m not pregnant. You’re free of any responsibility. Thank you for buying the pregnancy test, but it wasn’t necessary.” She stood and headed for the door. “Perhaps I’ll see you at the press conference tomorrow?”
Adam sprung to his feet as she walked past him. He caught her wrist and, with a single tug, spun her around and pulled her in. Before she knew what had happened, she was in his arms.
Then he kissed her.
They’d shared some intimate moments before. They’d shared some terrible ones, too. This went beyond anything Lexi ever imagined.
His mouth took possession of hers and proceeded to short-circuit every synapse in her brain. He held himself flush against her and usurped her senses. Sounds no longer made sense. Colors blurred together and massed behind her eyelids in a dazzling explosion of light. She was weightless, held down only by the power of his kiss and the emotion pouring through him.
This moment wasn’t about passion. It wasn’t about need or lust or sex. It was about love, pure and simple. Adam loved her. He didn’t need to say the words. His lips spoke volumes.
He kissed her forever. He kissed her until the sweet joy of love mingled with the salty tang of tears, and she realized she was crying again.
She pulled away, wiped at her eyes, and was stunned to find them dry.
“They’re mine,” Adam whispered hoarsely, and she stared at the wet tracks running down his cheeks.
He smiled through his tears. “I would have asked you to marry me.”
“What?”
“If you were pregnant, I planned on proposing.”
“Why?” she asked stupidly. “You don’t want to have more children.” She tried not to think about the cruel joke fate played on her. Dangling forever with Adam before her eyes, and then snatching it away, all because she wasn’t pregnant. How fucked up was that?
“Didn’t,” he corrected. “I didn’t want more, until I was confronted with the possibility that you might be carrying my baby.”
“I don’t understand.” Her brain malfunctioned from his kiss. She couldn’t think straight.
He took her hand. “You screwed with my perceptions of reality, sweetheart. You changed me.”
“Are you telling me you want to be a father again?” Lexi would never use the word incredulous in everyday conversation. Right now that was the only word that could adequately describe her state of mind.
“Once I got past the shock long enough to pull my head out my ass, I started to realize maybe becoming a dad again wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Maybe…I could do it.”
He could?
“That’s when I knew I had to go to Perth, had to put Timmy to rest.” He pressed a kiss on the inside of her wrist. “I couldn’t start living in today or anticipating the future, without getting over my past first. I wouldn’t have been free to give myself to you, or to our baby.”
She gaped at him.
“In answer to your question, yes, I want to be a father again. Some day. Eight or nine months from now might have been a little soon, but I would have dealt with it. I would’ve put my reservations aside and given you everything.” He took advantage of her gaping jaw to plant another glorious kiss on her mouth. “I’d still like to give you everything, if you’ll have me.”
“Everything?” Damn, there went her ability to construct full sentences.
“You already have my heart. And my love. My respect, my trust, my gratitude. It’s all yours. Whatever else I can give you, I will.”
Lexi squeezed her eyes shut, convinced she was hallucinating. It was all too good, his words too wonderful. This couldn’t be real.
But his touch felt real, his breath on her cheek was warm, a rock-hard body was pressed against hers, and when she opened her eyes again, he was still there, staring at her, a wealth of love in his gaze.
Adam must have seen the disbelief on her face. He frowned and a muscle ticked in his cheek. Guilt and remorse clouded his face. His eyes filled with shame. “I’ll understand if you want nothing from me and nothing to do with me. I’ve said some cruel things. Made malicious accusations and acted incredibly selfishly.”
Lexi could only nod.
“I treated you like shit, more than once. And I’m sorry for that. More sorry than you’ll ever know.” He captured her hand, holding it in his. “It took a while to see things clearly. For so long I’ve looked at the world and at my life with jaundiced eyes. After ten years of convincing myself I never wanted to marry again, suddenly there you were. Suddenly, against my will and my beliefs, I could picture a future. With you. It scared the crap out of me. I couldn’t deal with it, so I went on the attack, repeatedly.”
He took a deep breath. “I saw wanting to live again as disloyalty to my son. I believed that in order to be with you, I had to give up my past, give up Timmy.” His voice caught. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t betray him like that. He’s my son.” Tears shone in his eyes.
“It doesn’t matter where your future leads you, Adam. Timmy will always be a part of it. He’s a part of you. You’ll take your memories of him with you. That’s not betraying him. It’s living.”
“I know that now.”
Her chest constricted. Dare she hope? “Do…do you…still see me in your future?”
“Every time I close my eyes.”
She released a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding. “Oh, thank God.”
“You must hate me for the way I treated you.” The fear in his voice touched her heart.
“I did,” she said honestly. “I struggled to believe you could be so heartless or cruel. Turning every beautiful moment together into something sordid or ugly. You’ve hurt me. Angered me. Disappointed me.”
Adam’s face creased in sorrow.
“But I loved you—even while I hated you.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” he vowed. “I’ll spend the rest of my life proving I can be the kind of man who deserves you.”
She touched his face, soothed the stress lines. “The anger’s fading. I’m proud of everything you’ve achieved in the last three weeks. Your apology’s gone a long way to ease the hurt.”
“I promise I’ll never hurt you like that again.”
She bit her lower lip, nodded. “You have my love. Now I’m giving you my trust. Please, don’t let me down.”
The sound he made as he crushed her in his arms was something between a cry of pain and a gasp of relief.
“Never again,” he rasped. “I love you, Lexi. I have since the night I saw you at Daniel’s exhibition. It’s just taken a little time for me to realize it.”
Her heart filled with a joy she hadn’t believed possible. An hour ago she didn’t know where he was. She’d thought she might never see him again. Now he was here with her. Loving her.
The world spun, leaving her lightheaded and giddy.
“I can’t wait to start living my life again. With you.” He smiled against her lips.
Lexi couldn’t stop her answering grin. She’d done it. She’d broken through his barriers and reached his heart, and well, he loved her. Adam Riley loved her and she loved him, too.