Chapter Fifteen
Adam was in hell. No two ways about it.
He swore and rubbed his hands over his eyes as he sat up in bed. His shoulders ached and his neck had gone into spasm. Every time he tried to turn it to the left, sharp jabs of heat tore through his shoulder, straight to his chin.
He was barely awake and he had a tension headache. Another one.
The hotel bed wasn’t to blame. It was perfectly comfortable. The headache had nothing to do with the five-star accommodation and everything to do with the woman whose home he’d stalked out of three nights ago. Or was it four nights?
He’d lost track.
Adam checked his watch. Six forty-five in the morning. Which meant it was eight forty-five back home. He reached for the phone and, for the umpteenth time since landing in Hong Kong, called Lexi’s mobile number.
He owed her a massive apology for his abhorrent behavior.
For the umpteenth time, he got her voice mail. He swore, not bothering to leave a message.
An apology wouldn’t cut it. Hell, groveling at her feet wouldn’t be good enough. Not after what he’d said to her. True, he’d known going into this relationship that getting involved with Lexi would tear his wounds wide open. But voicing his distress out loud was unforgivable. Especially since it wasn’t his involvement with her that distressed him. It was the pain of his past, and his inability to hide from that pain.
Next, he dialed the hospital—again.
Adam had done some dickish things in his past, but his response to the forgotten condom was possibly the most dickish behavior in history.
“Department of Social Work, this is Penny speaking.”
“Lexi Tanner, please.”
“One moment, and I’ll connect you. Whom may I say is calling?”
“AJ Riley.” As if Penny didn’t recognize his voice by now. He’d spoken to her a dozen times since leaving Sydney.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Riley, Lexi isn’t taking calls at the moment.”
Of course she wasn’t. “You just said you’d connect me.”
“I know, but Lexi’s signaling to me that she’s not accepting calls.”
“She’s there?” Thank God. “Let me talk to her.”
“Uh, she’s not available now. Would you like to leave a message?”
“No. I want to talk to her. Put her on.”
“I’ll try.” There was a moment of silence and then Penny said again, “I apologize for the delay. Lexi can’t speak right now. If you leave a number, she’ll get back to you.”
Yeah, right. “Never mind. I’ll call again later.”
Penny sighed through the phone. “You can try. I’m not sure you’ll have any luck.”
Adam swore silently. “Thank you for your help,” he said before hanging up.
Fuck.
He threw off the covers and went to shower. She wasn’t going to answer. Not if he phoned every day, fifty times a day, for the next two weeks.
The spray of water did nothing to relieve his mood, and the soap did not wash away his remorse. His disposition only worsened when a knock sounded on the hotel door.
“What?”
“It’s me. Open up.”
Adam clamped down on his irritation and let Matt into the room.
“We leave in thirty minutes. Thought you might want to get breakfast first,” his friend said by way of greeting.
Adam checked his watch. Even if there were time, it was pointless phoning her again. She wouldn’t answer. He nodded at Matt and grabbed his briefcase. “Let’s go.”
Brodie followed him out of the room. “You going to talk about it?”
He pursed his lips. “About what?”
“Whatever the hell’s bothering you.”
Of course, Matt had to say something.
Rather than riding in the elevator, they chose the stairs. Adam took them two at a time. “Nothing’s bothering me.”
There. That should cut the conversation short.
“Cool,” Matt said amiably. “And by ‘nothing’ I assume you’re talking about Lexi.”
Okay, maybe not quite as short as he’d figured.
“Do you know when last I saw you this bent out of shape?” Matt asked.
Adam didn’t answer.
“Ten years ago.”
The vigorous walk downstairs didn’t seem to affect Matt. Adam’s breathing was substantially heavier than usual. “You remember how I behaved a decade ago?”
Matt stopped at the entry to the dining room. “Mate, you were fucked up. You couldn’t sit still. Couldn’t look me in the eye. You couldn’t smile. Same as now.”
Christ, not Matt, too? Was the whole world conspiring to make him relive the last few months of Timmy’s life?
He turned to his friend and forced his mouth into a tight smile. Anything to get the conversation back into the present. “Better?”
Matt grimaced. “Damn, don’t do that. You look like you swallowed your own fart.”
This time, Adam’s grin was genuine.
“Better,” Matt approved. “Now tell me. What’s up?”
He suppressed a sigh. “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.”
“You can feed the rest of the world that crap. I know you.”
“Don’t you ever mind your own business?” As if he needed to ask.
“Nope.”
A waitress led them to a table. Matt had the grace to wait until they’d both helped themselves to food from the buffet before resuming his questioning. “What happened with Lexi?”
“Nothing. It’s over.” Strange his voice could sound so even when his gut was tied up in knots.
Matt’s nod was full of sympathy. “You fucked it up.”
“Christ, give it a rest.”
“I can’t. Lexi’s the right woman for you. You’re an idiot to let her get away.”
Adam raised a brow. He was an idiot all right, no denying that. As for letting Lexi get away…well, it wasn’t his choice anymore. She’d tossed him out on his ass—and he’d deserved it.
“I’ve been working with her for over a month,” Matt said. “I’ve gotten to know her a little. She’s the one, mate. You and I both know it.”
Adam ate his toast. Matt’s words were immaterial. Lexi detested him, and he couldn’t blame her. He’d acted like a prick.
“Does she know about Timmy?” There was none of Matt’s usual caustic humor in the question. Only a ton of empathy.
He chewed methodically, swallowed, and stared at his plate. “Yes.”
Matt’s gaze burned his forehead. “Fix it.”
He glanced at his friend. “Fix what?”
“Whatever you did to screw things up with her.” His eyes blazed. “Fix it.”
Adam shook his head. If he could take back what he’d said, and his promise to deal with their problems alone, he would. In a heartbeat. “It’s too late.”
“You want this. You told her about your son.”
He stared at Matt for a long moment. Everything had changed. The stakes were different. It wasn’t just about him and Lexi anymore. There was a pregnancy to consider now. He shuddered.
A child.
“Fight for her, Riley.”
An unborn baby.
“She’s worth it,” Matt insisted.
Fear gripped his spine. Lexi and his baby.
“Ad.” Matt snapped his attention back to the table. “She’s the right woman for you.”
Adam knew what he had to do. He’d known for a while now. Not that he wanted to, not on any level. Hell, he’d rather gouge his eyes out with a fork, but there wasn’t a choice. If he didn’t act now, there’d be no way he could ever sort out this whole fucked-up scenario.
Those stitches that had barely held him together had finally snapped. Every last one of them. If he didn’t get his shit together soon, he’d fall apart completely. Lose himself to his pain and desolation. And if he did, he doubted he’d ever find a way back out of it.
With hands as cold as ice, he reached in his briefcase for his mobile phone.
“You phoning her?”
Adam almost laughed out loud. He shook his head. “Travel agent. Change of plans. I won’t be flying home with you when this trip is over.”
…
“You gonna tell me what’s got you so pissed?” Daniel asked. “You’ve been moody for the last three weeks.”
“I told you, I don’t want to talk about it,” Lexi snapped. She’d been mooching around the whole morning, wallowing in self pity. Again.
“Where’s AJ?”
She looked up sharply. “What’s he got to do with it?”
“You tell me.” Daniel unwrapped a chocolate chip muffin, broke off a piece, and set the rest on her desk between them. “I know he’s been away. That the problem? You missing him?”
No. She was too pissed off to miss him.
Okay, maybe she was missing him a bit. Or a lot. But it didn’t ease her rage. She still wanted to spit every time she thought about the man. She was trapped in a world of despising and loving him. She couldn’t seem to see past the cloud of conflicting emotion, couldn’t find a way through it. It overshadowed every aspect of her life.
Even the sibling program, which was about to be launched and was running more smoothly than she’d ever dreamed possible, had lost its sparkle. She found it impossible to get excited about much when her heart had been ripped apart.
There were times over the last few weeks when Lexi had found the strength to put her anger aside and look at the situation logically. During those more rational moments, she’d come to realize Adam wasn’t the self-involved asshole he’d acted like that night. She’d recognized the real man behind the facade. The gentle, tender lover whose capacity for love knew no boundaries. The damaged father who feared intimacy of any kind because he equated love with pain. Years ago, he’d been free to love and to be loved. To lavish affection on those closest to him. His price for that love had been death and divorce.
His reaction to the forgotten condom issue had been an impulsive, self-protective response to an unexpected crisis. She’d pushed him to a point of psychological helplessness, forcing him to confront a grief he’d suppressed for a decade. Adam had found himself defenseless in the very situation he’d feared the most: facing the prospect of becoming a father again. He’d protected himself in the only way he knew how—by pushing her away and dealing with the issue alone.
Hadn’t that been his modus operandi since Timmy died? Confronting the world and its problems alone?
In those rational moments, Lexi hadn’t and wouldn’t condone his behavior, but she’d understood it.
Unfortunately for Adam, those moments were heavily outweighed by the emotional ones. He’d hurt her, he’d insulted her, and he’d pissed her off, and she wasn’t getting over that pain or rejection anytime soon.
“It doesn’t matter,” she told her brother. “It’s over.”
“What’s over?”
“Him and me. Our relationship.”
Daniel’s eyes widened. “What happened?”
She took a piece of his muffin and stuffed it into her mouth. She chewed, swallowed, and stared at her desk, reluctant to talk about something so painful.
“Lex?”
“We had a big barney. A major fight, and I kicked him out.” Minutes before he’d been about to walk out.
Daniel frowned. “You guys looked pretty tight. I thought this was a sure thing.”
“Yeah?” she snapped. “Well, it wasn’t.”
“Hey, I’m not the enemy.”
“Sorry.” It wasn’t fair to take her aggression out on him. Her brother wasn’t the baddy. “I’m just feeling…pretty shitty.”
“I can see that. Tell me about the fight.”
She shook her head. It hurt too much to remember. And pissed her off all over again.
“Lexi…” He used his no-nonsense, big-brother tone of voice.
Well, shoot. If she avoided telling him now, Daniel would only turn up on her doorstep later to get the rest of the story.
She took a shaky breath. “We weren’t fighting at first. We were talking.” They were breaking through some of the barriers Adam had wrapped around himself. They were making progress.
“About?”
“It’s not important.” Yes, it was, but she wouldn’t break Adam’s confidentiality by telling Daniel. “Suffice it to say it was a sensitive subject.”
“And?”
“And Adam was upset. We both were.”
“So you fought?”
If Daniel called hauling out the heavy artillery and blowing their relationship apart fighting, then yes. “But not about the issues we were discussing.”
“I don’t understand.”
Her cheeks burned. How did she explain the finer points of all this to her brother? “We fought about me being pregnant.”
Daniel choked on his muffin. “You’re pregnant?” He spluttered. “I’m going to be an uncle?”
“No. And, no.” A week after Adam had stormed out of her unit, Lexi had gotten her period. Never in all her years since puberty had she celebrated the rites of womanhood like she had that day.
He held out one hand in question and slapped his chest with the other, clearing his throat. “Then why did you fight about it?”
“You know the night of Leona’s dinner?” Dang, this was awkward. “We kind of got carried away.”
Daniel raised a brow.
“We, er, forgot to use protection.”
Her brother raised his other brow.
“It was a mistake,” she muttered.
He nodded. “Of course it was.”
“Well, I wanted to talk about what would happen if I was pregnant, and he didn’t. We argued. I kicked him out. The end.” Only it wasn’t the end. Because the end would imply there was nothing left. Lexi wouldn’t be nursing a crushed heart, a grumpy disposition, and a compulsive yearning to see him again if it were all over.
A tear spilled onto her cheek, surprising her. She wiped it away, unsure if it was an angry tear or a sad one.
“Wait.” Daniel leaned forward. “Did you want to be pregnant?”
“No,” she sighed. “Not now. Sometime in the future, yes, but only under the right circumstances. I want to be settled in a relationship and happy and excited about the prospect of starting a family.”
She took another piece of muffin. She wasn’t hungry; she just hoped eating would distract her from her musings. Maybe the chocolate would make her happy. Nothing else seemed to.
“Does AJ know you’re not pregnant?”
“No.”
“Does he deserve to know?”
“No.”
Daniel gave her a pointed look.
“Maybe.” Or maybe she wanted to punish him. Selfishly hold back the truth to torment him, like he’d tormented her with his selfish arrogance. She sighed. “Yes. I thought I’d wait ’til he got back before I told him.”
“When does he get back?”
“Last week.”
“Ah, right.” Daniel nodded. “Have you spoken to him since the fight?”
“He tried to phone.” Many times. “But I wasn’t ready to talk.” She’d gone so far as to threaten to disembowel Penny with a pencil if she put any of his calls through to her.
“Are you ready now?”
Lexi shook her head. Then she nodded. Then shook her head again. “Yes. No. Maybe.”
“Very decisive.”
“I love him, Dan.” The muscles in her belly pulled tight enough to make her cramp. “But he’s an asshole and he regrets ever getting involved with me.”
“Want me to beat him up for you?”
Lexi started to laugh, then she started to hiccup, and before she knew it, she was crying. She opened her mouth to apologize for her crazy mood but found herself telling Daniel her whole, sorry story instead. Starting from the fateful meeting in the hotel lobby and ending with the moment she closed the door on Adam.
She didn’t mention Timmy. That wasn’t her tale to tell. But she told her big brother about Adam’s hot and cold behavior, and how she felt cherished by him one minute and unwanted the next.
Daniel listened to every word, and when she was finished, he took a minute to mull over what she’d told him.
“AJ’s an idiot,” he finally said. “But it sounds like he’s a confused idiot.”
“He’s a big, fat idiot,” Lexi pouted.
Daniel grinned, obviously remembering the many times she’d called him that growing up. “Thing is, I watched him at dinner that night. He likes you, Lex. A lot. I suspect he’s halfway in love with you. And falling in love is scary shit. Especially if you say he’s been burned before.”
Lexi rolled her eyes. Adam didn’t know how to love anyone but his son.
“Rolling your eyes isn’t going to help. Neither is avoiding him. You need to tell him there’s no baby. Either it’ll help you sort out this bullshit, or it’ll give you closure, and you can move on.”
Lexi had no idea which one she wanted—another chance at a relationship with Adam and all the risks it came with, or the opportunity to close a door on him forever.
The very thought of speaking to him had her breath coming in sharp bursts.
“You could go see him now.”
“I’m at work.” It was too soon. She wasn’t ready. She couldn’t face him. “The media conference is tomorrow. I can’t leave the hospital. I have too much to do.” It was easier to hide behind work than to pluck up the courage to go to him.
The longer she put off seeing him, the better.
“I thought Abbey had taken over the program?”
“How do you know Abbey?” She’d mentioned she’d hired someone. She hadn’t told Daniel her name.
“I hang around the ward. I get to hear things, meet people.”
Of course he did. Ever since he’d done the photo shoot at POWS, he’d become a regular visitor here. If there was news, Daniel knew it.
“She doing all right at the job?”
“More than all right. She’s brilliant.”
“Then she can manage without you for a while. Go and see him.”
Bugger. Tricky big brother. “I don’t know if I can, Dan.”
“I’m sure Abbey will be fine without you.”
“I’m not talking about Abbey. I don’t know if I can face him.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “What if he hates me? What if he doesn’t want to see me again?”
“And what if he does?”
“Ok, what if I hate him?” Which she did. Just like she loved him.
“Then you’ll tell him your news and leave.”
Dammit. Did he have to be so reasonable?
Lexi picked up a pencil and doodled on her desk pad.
“Phone him,” Daniel insisted.
“I—”
“Don’t procrastinate.” He stood, took the remainder of the muffin with him, and yanked the pencil out of her hand. “Call him now.”
“Okay already.” She rose, too. “Bully.”
“Guilty as charged.” Daniel grinned at her. “Now clear things up with AJ, Lex. I have a feeling he’s waiting for you to contact him.”