Sarah
It’s not easy to say goodbye to Frank. Not just because I know what’s waiting for me in Ohio, but also because leaving him feels like the most unnatural thing in the world. I get on the plane with a heavy heart, afraid to hope for a peaceful resolution with my dad. I text Frank when I land, then meet Colton and Tessa at baggage claim. They each hug me, clinging to me like they’re afraid to let go.
Colton’s the first to pull away. “I really missed you.” His eyes meet mine and then trail across my face, a question tilting his head. “You look good,” he says. “Like, really good.” He turns to Tessa who repeats his actions, her gaze moving across my body, my face, and then landing on my eyes.
“He’s right,” Tessa says. “Denver suits you.”
Colton tosses my bags into the back of his truck and I apologize again for missing their wedding. “It was really selfish of me.” I hold up a hand as Tessa begins making excuses for me. “And I’m tired of being selfish,” I continue. “I recognize that my choices affect other people and it’s past time for me to own my mistakes. So, again, I’m sorry. I can’t make it up to you, but I hope you’ll forgive me.”
Tessa and Colton share a look before accepting my apology and reminding me there’s no need to apologize. I don’t argue, even though I completely disagree. There is so much I need to apologize for. So much.
We head straight for the hospital and I spend the time watching familiar scenery speed past my window. I haven’t been gone very long, barely two months, but so much has changed since the last time I was here. Or rather, not much has changed at all.
Only me.
Before, I found everything about Ohio boring. Now, I appreciate the long, open stretches of fields. The occasional clump of trees. The blue skies touching the horizon, uninterrupted by snowy peaks. The terrain is so different from what I’ve gotten used to in Denver, my hometown almost feels alien.
My phone buzzes in my hand.
Frank: My heart is with you. Be safe. Be strong. Take time to do this right.
Tears waver in my eyes and I brush them away before replying.
Me: I’m so scared
Frank: I know
Me: But that’s what makes this so important
Frank: I know that, too
Me: Thank you for helping me see that
Frank: I’m here, if you need to talk
Me: I’ll call you when I’m alone?
Frank: please
I want to tell him how much he means to me, how much I miss him, but we arrive at the hospital and suddenly, all the words in my head go blank.
“Dad knows I’m coming, right?” I ask as Colton kills the engine and pulls the keys from the ignition.
He meets my eyes through the rearview. “He does.”
“And he’s okay with it?”
“He is.” Colton swings open the truck door.
I don’t believe him. I can’t imagine after all the time we’ve spent apart, after mom telling me that Dad wasn’t ready to see me on New Year’s, after all the other women who have been more a part of the family than me, that Dad would ever want to see me again.
In a daze, I climb out of the truck and follow my brother and his wife through the hospital. Eyes glazed. Fear tromping through my chest. A vice grip on my heart.
When we walk into his room, my eyes fall briefly on an old man in my father’s bed. Small. Pale. Fragile. Intellectually, I know it’s my dad, but my heart rejects it outright.
Mom pushes out of her chair and wraps me in her arms, her chest heaving as her tears darken my shirt.
“My girl,” she says, her hands on my shoulders, my arms, my face. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
The words break her. She swallows hard, smiling while she cries, unable to stop touching me. I want to bury my face in her neck, breathe in all the scents of home, and cry, but I pull away and turn to my dad.
His eyes are open. Staring me down. The look on his face, unreadable.
My heart stops. My breath catches. Time freezes.
And then…he lifts his hand. Reaches for me.
“Sarah…”
I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard my name wrapped in his voice. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen him look at me like I was anything but despicable.
Chin trembling, I step closer. Take his hand.
“Hi, Dad.”
Somewhere, someone sniffs. Colton brings me a chair and I sit, my eyes locked on my father’s. There’s so much to say. I don’t know where to start. I remember Frank’s words. Just be there. So, I pat his hand, his skin like parchment, thin and worn. I hold his gaze, his image wavering through the tears in my eyes.
And he smiles.
It’s tiny. A movement so small I might have missed it, but damn it. It’s there.
After all this time. All the things we never should have said. All the fear and worry and hurt. The first thing my dad does when he sees me is smile.
Mom comes to stand behind me, her hand on my shoulder. Colton stands at my side, his arm wrapped around Tessa. David walks through the door with his wife and children. His eyes land on mine and his face softens.
My dad sighs. Closes his eyes and swallows hard. “You’re all here.” The words grate through his throat, heavy with emotion. His eyes open and settle on mine. “All of you.” Years of history waver in his gaze as he studies my face. “It’s been too long since our family was whole. I’m glad you came, Sarah.”
Mom tightens her grip on my shoulder and a sob hiccups past my lips. There’s so much between us. So many years to understand, to apologize for. But not yet. Not now. Instead, I squeeze my father’s hand. Lick my lips. Wipe away my tears.
“Yeah, Dad,” I say, when I can finally trust my voice. “Me too.”