Frank
After Sarah leaves, I stare at the door like the idiot I am. What in the hell was I thinking? Why in God’s name did I tell her I slept with Bree?
I’ll never forgive myself for the hurt I saw in her eyes. And so, I do penance by standing in a dark apartment, staring at the door. As if she’ll come back. As if she’s right on the other side, just waiting for me to tell her I was lying.
After who knows how long, I pace back into the living room, stepping over the bits and pieces of my life scattered across the floor. The way I see it, I have a few choices. I can call her and explain that I didn’t sleep with Bree, I just told her I did because…
Because why, asshole?
Why in the hell did I say that?
Because I wanted her to leave. Because I didn’t want her to see me like this. Because I don’t have anything to offer her now that I don’t have a job and I thought it’d be better for her if she hated me. Because I didn’t want her to see me fall.
I told her I’d teach her what it means to fly, but I can’t. Not now.
Night falls and still, I do nothing. The poison leeches out of my system and I develop a raging headache. Thunder and lightning pounding against my skull. At some point, I wander into the kitchen and crack open my last bottle of Jameson. With Sarah gone, I’ve officially ruined everything, so I might as well fall all the way down the hole. Maybe in a day or two, I’ll head home to Logan County. My mom or my brothers are sure to need some help. Maybe I can put the pieces of my life back together on the ranch.
But for now, I’ll let myself bleed on the broken bits while I mourn the life I almost had.
* * *
I wake to someone pounding on the front door and my first thought is Sarah. She came back. She didn’t give up on me even after I gave up on myself. And thank God she’s willing to fight for us because I was a fool to try and throw it all away.
The living room swirls around me as I make my drunken way to the door. “I’m coming!” I yell, appalled at how slurred my words are. The smile I didn’t know I was wearing falls from my face when I sees who’s waiting for me outside.
“Holy shit. What in the hell have you done to yourself?” Jason steps over the threshold without waiting to be invited. He takes one look at the mess and shakes his head. “Having a little pity party, are we?”
I shut the door, the happiness fading as the shadows devour the light. “Kinda feel like I earned one.”
Jason shoves his hands in his back pockets. “Sure. Because you were a jerk and sabotaged your career. That definitely earned some self-pity.” He shakes his head and turns away from me.
I’ve had just about all the judgement I can take. “Sabotaged? Man, I’m in no mood for a lecture.”
Jason turns back to me, frowning. “Well, then, you’re shit out of luck because you’re going to get one. Are you really telling me you’re surprised they fired you? After Vi? After Bree? After they told you not to get involved with Sarah and then you flaunted your relationship all over the office like some kind of dickhead?” Jason shakes his head. “You really didn’t see this coming?”
“I really didn’t.” I glare at my friend, doing my best to scare him out of my apartment.
“You’re not invincible.” The words are an accusation. The look in his eyes pointed as all hell.
“I never said I was.”
“Man, don’t bullshit me.” Jason lets out a long breath and stares at his feet. “I guarantee that you thought if anything happened, Sarah would be the one to get fired. Not you. Because you’re Frank Wilde, the great and wonderful platinum certified engineer. Am I right?”
I consider putting up a fight. Telling him I thought Sarah and I were being secretive enough, but that’s a total line of bullshit. I knew I was flaunting our relationship all over the office and I chose not to care because I absolutely did not believe I’d be the one to get fired. “All right. Fine. You’re right.”
Jason stares me down. “That was a dick move, man.”
I hold out my hands. “She wasn’t even going to stay long-term anyway,” I say, still fighting even though Jason’s right. It was a dick move.
“As if that makes it any better…” Jason pauses. Furrows his brow. Peers around the living room as if he’s looking for something. “Where is Sarah anyway? Please tell me you didn’t turn into Drunk Frank and do something stupid.”
I snort and then place a hand on my aching head. Of all the people who abandoned me after I stopped drinking the first time, Jason stuck around. He knows who I am when I drink. He knows it’s not pretty. He knows the destruction I can bring. “I kicked her out.”
Jason’s jaw drops. “Why in the hell would you do something stupid like that?”
I explain everything that’s happened over the last couple days, then go back to the beginning and explain it all from the start. I tell him about paying for Sarah’s car repairs, allude to the problems she’s had with her family without going into too much detail, explain why she had to go back to Ohio, and the way Bree found us the day Sarah got the call from her brother. “It’s all just gone to hell. And then, the day they fired me, Bree shows up here and tries to throw herself at me. I actually had to put hands on her to get her to leave.”
Jason’s eyebrows spring into his hairline.
“I didn’t hurt her. But she did stumble right out of a shoe. A shoe Sarah found when she came back yesterday.” My memories of last night come back to me. They cut, opening fresh wounds. “God, I was such an asshole, man.” I look at Jason as the weight of what I’ve done falls onto my shoulders and I nearly collapse under the weight.
“Sounds about right.”
“You haven’t heard all of it yet. I told Sarah I slept with Bree.” Hearing the words out in the open brings the gravity of the situation into focus. Last night I thought Sarah would be better off if she could go back to Ohio and continue rebuilding her relationship with her family. Today, I can’t imagine my life without her. Dread sits heavy in my gut.
Jason cocks his head as if he’s not sure he heard me correctly. “You did what?! Jesus, Frank.”
“I thought she’d be better off if she didn’t have to deal with me…” I trail off as I realize how ridiculous I sound. “I was still partially drunk and a whole lot hungover. I wasn’t thinking. I really fucked up.”
“You realize that’s not an excuse, right? You can’t hide behind the alcohol because you’re the one who chose to get drunk. And yes, you really fucked up. You two were good together. And you know it, too. She was worth jeopardizing your job over, or you wouldn’t have done it.” He glares at me. “And the only excuse you have for something that stupid is that you weren’t thinking? Dude. I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”
“She really was worth jeopardizing my career over.” I smile, thinking about the way she makes me laugh. The way her eyes glint with happiness when we’re together. The way I feel when I’m with her, like everything in this world was designed to bring us together. “But I doubt she’ll have anything to do with me now.”
Jason gives me a onceover. “In the state you’re in? Probably not. I mean, shit, man. I came here to offer you a job and I’m not even sure I want anything to do with you.”
I almost don’t hear him over the drone of thoughts running through my head. All I can think about is finding Sarah.
Apologizing.
Explaining.
Fixing.
I barely have the capacity to listen, but his statement is so absurd, it makes it through.
“Offer me a job? What are you talking about?” I run a hand along the back of my neck and lean against the wall.
Jason nudges the broken pieces of a picture frame with his toe. “I mean, I want to start my own firm. McDougan & Kent does a lot right, but they do a lot wrong, too. I think the two of us can make something pretty damn impressive…or I did. Before this self-destructive, self-pitying side of you came floating back to the surface.”
The idea is a good one. Jason is wickedly talented and when the two of us work together, miracles happen. This could be good. Like really, really good.
“Start your own firm? Why haven’t you said anything about this until now?”
“Because I knew how much you loved your job. What in the world could I offer you to make you want to quit a sure thing and take a chance on something that could backfire? When you got yourself fired, I thought, hey! Here’s my chance!” He gives me a look meant to cut through all the bullshit and get straight to the heart of the matter. “But I’m not about to take a chance on you until you get yourself cleaned up. You beat this shit once. Don’t be a douche and let it win now.”
Jason sticks around long enough to watch me empty the last bottle of Jameson down the sink. I promise I’ll get my shit together and by the time he leaves, I’m feeling almost optimistic about the future.
I grab my phone and type out a text to Sarah.
Me: Hey. I’m sorry about what I said yesterday
I erase the words. What kind of asshole tries to take back a statement like “I slept with someone while you were visiting your sick dad” via text. I try again.
Me: I miss you
I jam my thumb on the backspace button. What am I supposed to say right now? How do I make this better? Do I call her? What if she doesn’t answer?
It was hard enough to try and process through the raging headache pounding against my temples, but the more I realize how much I messed things up with Sarah, the worse things get. Finally, after twenty minutes of trying out different ways to apologize and explain myself, I toss my phone onto the counter.
Only I must have thrown it harder than I thought. It careens off the counter, already in more than one piece, clinks off the corner of the coffee table, and shatters on the floor.