Nora
“I’m sorry,” Mark said when he appeared at my apartment door a few days after the Ryan incident. Those were his first two words when I opened the door.
“Wow,” I blurted out, not knowing anything else to say.
Wow, because I hadn’t expected to see him. We hadn’t talked since he told me to leave his office. He hadn’t come by or anything. I had been under the impression that we were over. We’d both said some pretty heinous shit to each other, and I sure as hell didn’t know how we were supposed to come back from that.
Wow, also because I hadn’t expected an apology from him, and certainly not the first thing out of his mouth. I wasn’t going to complain, but it was very different to hear that sort of thing from Mark. Mark was the kind of guy who was never wrong, and if he was, he figured out ways to correct it without admitting it.
“Can I come in?” he asked. It was a complete change from his normal visits when he’d storm into my apartment like he lived there. He was humbling himself before me. I took it as part of his apology.
“Of course you can come in,” I told him, and I stepped aside to let him through the door. I looked around outside to make sure it was only him, and then I closed the door and locked it.
When I turned from the door, I saw him standing in the entry way looking calm and reserved. All the usual toughness and the hard exterior were gone. He didn’t look defeated, not exactly, but he had the look of someone who had come to a realization that he’d screwed up somehow, and he was ready to face the music.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” he said.
I stopped where I was. We stood in the entryway to my apartment, and he was apologizing. He wasn’t even waiting to get fully inside. He was going for it right there and wasting no time.
“I shouldn’t have put you and our child in danger, and I’m sorry.”
Tears welled up in my eyes immediately. I put a hand on his shoulder. “Come into the living room,” I told him, wiping back my tears with my other hand.
“Are you crying?” he asked.
I chuckled. “I don’t know. It could just be hormones,” I told him. The truth was, I really didn’t know if I was genuinely crying because his apology touched me or if I was overreacting because my hormones were all jacked up. If I’d been forced to bet on it, I would have said the former.
We sat down on the couch, but we didn’t sit together. He still sat at the other end, as he always did. That was fine, I thought. At least he was there.
“I’ve dressed Ozzy down for barging in the way he did,” he told me.
I wasn’t completely clear on what he meant by ‘dressed down,’ but it sounded like a harsh punishment. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to distract him from what he was telling me or sound stupid by asking questions. I simply sat and listened, following along with what he was telling me.
“I’m sorry for not being clear and giving him the full picture before sending him with you,” he continued.
I took his hands in mine and held them.
“I should have trusted you more.”
I squeezed his hands. I wanted to scoot closer, but something in the way he was sitting told me he needed the space in order to open up to me the way he was. I had to be patient with him, so I sat and let him talk.
“I hope you know I would never deliberately put you and our child in danger.”
“I know,” I said. I did know.
He looked at me like he was surprised I’d said anything at all. He opened his mouth like he was going to respond, but the words didn’t come out. He furrowed his brow. He looked like I’d thrown him off.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I said some pretty stupid things in your office, shit I never should have said. I had no business talking to you like I did.” I lowered my tear-soaked face. I pulled one of my hands back from his and wiped my face.
“I need you,” he said to me.
“Do you mean that?” I asked. “Do you mean that you need me for me and not just for the kid?” We still didn’t know the gender of our child. We were still a few weeks out from learning it.
“I need you in so many ways,” he told me. “I need you in ways I can’t even explain right now because I don’t think I completely understand them myself.”
I thought my heart was going to melt into tears and pour out of my eyes. I laughed at myself for bawling the way I was. I wiped my eyes and finally slid across the couch to him, embracing him. His strong arms wrapped around me and held me to him. I felt safe in his arms, unlike the way I had felt in the hotel room. I felt protected. I knew he was being truthful when he apologized to me.
“But you came here today because you need me for something else,” I finally said. “Didn’t you?”
He pulled back from our embrace and looked me in the eye. A small grin played at the corners of his mouth. “I can’t get anything over on you, can I?”
I shook my head. “No. What do you need, Mark?”
“I need you at my side for the MC,” he said.
“Yeah, we talked about that. I remember.”
“We’re getting ready for this ride. The guys aren’t really down for it right now. We’re riding south to confront the group that has been causing so much trouble for us.”
“You were talking about this before,” I commented. “You still haven’t done it?”
“No. The guys need to see you at my side. That’s what it will take to rally them.”
It sounded ridiculous to me, but he was serious. I could see it in his eyes. He was dead serious. He truly believed that the only way the guys would agree to make the ride with him was to see a woman at his side.
“That was one of the reasons I decided to take you from Ryan,” he said. “It’s the only thing these guys really respect. It brings the possibility of continuing the MC’s legacy. It shows them that I am a leader,” he explained.
“So am I riding out with you?” I asked him.
“Yes, and no,” he said. “You’re going to ride down in the car with Alice.”
“So you’re going to put me in danger again?” I asked in disbelief. He had just told me he wouldn’t deliberately make a move like that again, and yet, there he was, telling me he wanted to put me in the middle of his confrontation with another MC.
“No. You’re staying back,” he said quickly.
“Am I staying back or am I going?” I asked. “Sounds like they’re two different things.”
“You’re going down with Alice, and the two of you are staying back a little so you don’t get caught up in anything,” he explained. “I hate to put you back in that situation, but the guys need to see you there for morale. You and Alice will keep your distance, though. You are not to come anywhere near the confrontation.”
I thought about it for a minute. I wasn’t exactly comfortable with the idea of going back into the fray and getting that close to the action. I believed Mark, though, when he told me he didn’t want me close to the confrontation.
“I guess, if Alice’s going to be with me,” I conceded. With Alice at my side, I figured I would be safe. She knew more about stuff like this than I did anyway. She’d been around the MC longer than I had. I trusted her.
“I can’t do this without you,” he added. “If I let you go now, the club will fall apart, and I will lose everything. I need you by my side to keep everyone united under me.”
I stroked his cheek and leaned in to kiss him. Our lips touched tenderly, sweetly. I felt him pressing himself into the kiss, and I could tell that there was more to his request than simply having me present at the confrontation with the other MC. There was a need for me he wouldn’t admit, something deeper and more personal than club morale.
“And here, take this,” he said after we broke apart. I looked down to see him holding a handgun out to me.
“I’ve never used one of these,” I protested, not even reaching for the gun.
“And hopefully you won’t have to use this one. But, for your protection, I’ll feel better if you’ve got something on you in case things go wrong,” he insisted.
I cocked my head to the side, still reluctant to take the gun from him. I had never even held a gun before. I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for one with a child in my belly. What the hell was he thinking?
“Nora, take it,” he said finally, grabbing my hand and pressing the gun against my palm.
I wrapped my fingers around the grip. The weapon was heavy with power and potential in my hand. I felt the damage the tool in my hand could inflict. I didn’t want to hold it. I didn’t want that kind of power in my hand.
“What do I do with this?” I asked him. “I can’t carry it around like this all day, can I? That doesn’t sound like the safest plan.”
“Stand up,” he said, and we both did. He took the gun from me and slid it into the waist of my jeans.
I was reminded of all those cop shows on TV where the detectives and bad guys all carried their guns on their hips like a bunch of badasses.
“You know how to use a gun, right?” he asked.
“In theory.” It came out more like a question. “Just point and squeeze the trigger, right?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. There’s a little more to it, but you’ve got the idea,” he told me. “Besides, you’ve got Alice with you, and this is not her first rodeo.”
I wanted to hand him the gun back and tell him I was comfortable letting Alice handle my protection instead of trying to protect myself with a weapon I’d never used. But I figured it wouldn’t hurt to let him think I was okay with the gun, so I kept it.
I couldn’t think of anything else to say or do at that moment, so I grabbed him and hugged him. I missed the closeness of having him near me. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me against him. He squeezed me, hugging me tight. I still felt there were other things that weren’t being said between us.
Big, important things.