Jai’s day was genuinely busy, but whenever he got a spare few minutes, all his thoughts were for Luke. Finding him at his doorstep last night, shocky and fragile, and all Jai’s resolutions about keeping his distance had flown away. In Jai’s work he had dealt with people experiencing loss and battling terrible illnesses, but he knew that Luke must sometimes see the darkest side of human nature. Whatever he had witnessed in the past few days had been enough to almost bring him unstuck. Added to the way Luke had been physically pushing himself, and the strong man had been on the verge of breaking.
Something about Luke always had Jai pushing past his own boundaries, his own resolutions. Becoming intimate friends, becoming lovers, taking him in when he needed it despite his rejections—this kind of acting against Jai’s better judgment was definitely new. When Jai had become sober, he had always tried to base his decisions around the cold hard logic of day and put his impulses on the back burner. With Luke, though, he was all impulse, all need to reach out and connect. He couldn’t even regret taking care of him last night. Luke had needed the comfort, and there was no way Jai could force himself to turn that need away. This morning Luke had seemed different, softer; the kiss he had placed on Jai’s forehead was sweet, not sexual. None of which was going to have Jai able to re-erect his boundaries. In fact, all he could think of was bringing down more.
• • •
Tonight, Jai wasn’t as surprised to find Luke on his front door at eight.
Luke had obviously changed since work, and although his shoulders were still slumped and his jaw hadn’t unclenched, there was color in his face and smaller bags under his eyes. Although seeing as Jai had held him as he slept the night before, Luke’s appearance as to the amount of sleep he had had wasn’t a revelation.
“I don’t have a beer to give you,” Jai said, as he let Luke in the door.
“If I wanted a beer I could be down at the pub with the others,” Luke replied, sitting down heavily on the couch, dropping his head back for a moment.
Jai took the moment to look at Luke, as he sat in his own world, unaware he was being observed. Luke had changed out of his uniform and the soft T-shirt he wore did nothing to disguise the bulk of his muscles and the breadth of his shoulders. Jai tried to forget how warm and reassuring that solid body had felt in bed.
“Nonalcoholic ginger beer or a Diet Coke?” he offered as he gave up perving on Luke and went to the fridge to grab them both a drink. “Why didn’t you go to pub with the others?”
“I didn’t think you’d come with me.”
That unvarnished statement how he wanted Jai’s company was new, and Jai wasn’t sure about how to reply.
“You just wanted my cooking, didn’t you?” Jai asked, deciding to go for playful.
“Your food is better than the fish and chips at the pub.” Luke gave his first real smile of the evening. “I did want to catch up with you, though, and even I knew it would be rude to turn up here after drinking.”
There had been men in Jai’s life who had never understood that. They had never understood how hard it could be, to see someone else, in the midst of the oblivion that he craved. He could deal with it; he had been in recovery for long enough, but yeah, it was annoying and rude. So Luke knowing that qualified him for a dinner invitation.
“It was going to be an omelet tonight, but if you can bear the boring menu, I’ll make you one as well,” Jai offered. He would even fry some potatoes; after Luke’s long day he probably needed the carbohydrates.
“Sounds great.” When Jai looked into the living room, Luke had gotten himself more settled on the lounge, rearranging his legs so they curled in front of him. He looked more relaxed there than Jai had seen him for a long time.
Jai made quick work of the food and perched on the other end of the lounge suite to eat.
“How was work?” Jai asked when they had both eaten their meals in satisfied silence.
“Less horrific than Sunday and Monday, but still not calmed down. The media haven’t left their post outside the property, so we spent most of the day patrolling their area making sure they didn’t sneak in to get photos of the investigation. I’m hoping after today they’ll decamp and get back to the city.”
“One of the hospital nurses’ husbands is the publican. He is getting pretty overworked there with all the extra police and media staying and eating there most meals.” Jai smiled. Even in the midst of tragedy it was the first time he had really felt the effects of being in a small town. Each time he went on break, he would get updates of the new developments, and each shared detail made him feel so strongly that he was part of the town’s fabric.
Luke smiled in reply. “Ah, hospital grapevine. Yeah, Jones at the pub probably knows as much about the logistics of the investigation as I do. He’d be bursting at the seams there and completely overworked. The station is pretty crowded with the extra homicide detectives and forensic staff filing evidence. I was tempted to hide under my desk today, just so I could get my paperwork done.”
As if the reminder of his busy day was enough to drain him of his remaining energy, Luke started yawning.
“I’d invite you to stay, but tonight you are awake enough that we probably would end up doing more than sleep.” Jai had to stop himself from blushing as he said those words. But even if Luke just wanted a warm body, Jai knew that he himself would be tempted for more. It was only the absolute fragility of Luke last night that had allowed him to hold those impulses at bay. Well, that and the fact that touching up an unconscious body was in the “so sketchy it was illegal” category.
Luke smiled, so at least the elephant in the room hadn’t sent him in a tailspin. “Yeah, probably. Thanks again for that.”
Before he left, Luke hesitated at the door, and then ducked to kiss him on the cheek. Luke’s lips were a delicate brush that was enough to almost make Jai shiver. It was, however, enough out of character for Luke that Luke then awkwardly didn’t look him in the eye as he said his goodbyes and said his thanks for the dinner.
• • •
The third night of dinner in a row, and it was getting to be a habit. This time, Luke had rung from work and offered to pick up an extra serving of fish and chips from the local shop.
“Sounds good,” Jai said, a little distantly, organizing their dinners together was more than a little on the domestic side considering they hadn’t even been talking the week before.
Though later, when they were sitting eating in front of the TV and Luke was asking him about his day, he couldn’t help thinking there was a pleasure to be had in domesticity.
“Three emergency x-rays today on top of my normal schedule,” Jai explained. “You were right about the farmers and their propensity for accidents. I had one guy whose arm got caught in a gate, one minor motorbike fall and a broken ankle that had something to do with a cow. I don’t even get the worst of them, as they send those straight to Parkes or helicopter them to the city.”
Luke nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, when I was at school we had two students who lost their fathers in farming accidents. There are so many properties out here where the farmer and maybe his wife, are the only people working the property, that everyone is trying to take on too much themselves.”
“Well, farmers, babies, and diagnostic x-rays are filling up my day.” Jai did enjoy the variety of his work out here. In the city, at a clinic or even hospital, he would be probably be specializing in one niche of his work so they could streamline the process. Here he was the only port of call, and he liked that. Though there had been a few hard days, like last week when he had to tell one of the local girls that he couldn’t find her baby’s heartbeat.
“I haven’t heard you having to go out on too many on-call cases,” Luke observed.
“Only a few,” Jai replied. “I think the local hospital here is a little tight on the budget, and they don’t want to pay my overtime rate. The ambulance takes them out to Parkes if the need for an x-ray is obvious and the emergency room holds over any non-urgent cases until I arrive in the morning.”
“The reluctance of all government departments to pay overtime is what let’s us get sleep out here in the country,” Luke commiserated.
Yeah, as sergeant, Luke must only get called out to the most serious of cases. Jai tried to keep his face neutral when he considered what Luke had been called out to on Sunday. The shadow that passed across Luke’s face made him think the same thing had occurred to him.
“Have you ever been to Mardi Gras?” Jai asked, the first thing that came into his mind.
Luke’s smile, in reply, didn’t quite reach his eyes. “No. I didn’t even work it when I was in the city.”
Yeah, Jai should have known. Even though the crowd was made up of plenty of straight allies and it was Sydney’s night to party, the whole event would have pushed up too close to what Luke wanted to keep inside.
“I don’t dance on floats anymore, but it is still the best night of the year,” Jai enthused. “Beautiful boys, half dressed, and it’s a night where there is so much good will it is like everyone is congratulating you for making the great choice to love men.”
It was a night when it was almost impossible not to love the city. Jai was glad he had decided to go home this weekend. He didn’t want to turn his back on that part of himself. He could see though that Luke wasn’t completely comfortable with the conversation. So instead, he changed the channel to cricket and let the conversation easily drift to sport.
At ten thirty, the night session for the cricket had ended and Jai was expecting Luke to get up and go like he did every other night. Jai couldn’t help but hope that he might get one of Luke’s gentle kisses on the cheek. He knew that Luke wouldn’t say goodbye to anyone else that way, and there was something so special about being the one that had broken down that wall. Even more than sex, it showed that something had reached Luke.
What he didn’t expect was Luke turning to him and asking, “Can I sleep here tonight?”
The doubt on his face must have shown, because Luke continued, “I promise not to hit on you. It’s just last night was less than peaceful with nightmares, and I kept on thinking of the way I had slept the previous night.”
That Luke would admit that shocked Jai. He must have gone through hell last night if he was prepared to ask this of him.
“Sure,” Jai said, even though he doubted the intelligence of his answer. A smart man would maintain his boundaries, but a smart man probably didn’t have a strong man looking at him, admitting to a weakness, asking for his help.
“Luckily, this house came with a queen-sized bed,” Jai said, looking at their respective sizes. A double would have them on top of each other, and despite Luke’s promises about not hitting on him, that kind of contact would probably only end one way. “Well, we may as well get ready for bed.”
There were a few awkward moments as they both kept insisting the other use the bathroom first but finally, when Jai finished his pre-sleep preparations, he was relieved that Luke was already lying in bed. Apparently they had sides, because he was lying on the same side he had a few nights earlier facing toward the wall.
Jai kept on his sweatpants and T-shirt as he climbed into the bed. As he put his head on the pillow he could see, from the tension in the muscles of Luke’s back and shoulders, that he was not at all relaxed. Jai didn’t feel particularly relaxed either while his erection drilled into his soft pants. Having Luke in his bed reminded him of how hot the sex between them had been. How beautiful Luke had looked when he had lost his inhibitions and become lost in the pleasure they created together. But the absolute last thing that Luke needed out of him right now was a sexual approach. He had made himself emotionally vulnerable, possibly for the first time ever with an adult male, and Jai was going to respect that and give him the support he needed.
Jai reached out and rested a reassuring hand between Luke’s shoulder blades. At his touch, he could feel Luke take a deep breath and slowly settle. The warm muscles under his hand began to loosen, and Jai himself let his body relax into the contact. Not breaking that connection, Jai floated into sleep.
• • •
The next morning Jai woke up with his hand having migrated to the warm flex of Luke’s stomach. If he hadn’t already seen Luke’s bare torso, the feel of hard muscle under his hand would confirm that Luke didn’t neglect a single sit-up in his workouts. Jai tried a discreet wiggle back on the mattress, so when Luke woke up, his hard dick wouldn’t be pressing quite so insistently against Luke’s solid thigh. He had to bite his bottom lip so the moan of pleasure at the friction of his movements wouldn’t make its way from where it originated deep in his chest.
He hoped his wriggling wouldn’t awake Luke, each time he had become conscious last night he had been vaguely aware of Luke peacefully sleeping. If he could give Luke that for a night, he would put up with an unresolved hard-on. Finally, Jai got to the point that he could palm his own dick and swat it, hoping the sting would take some of the stiffness out of it and move it away from where it was touching Luke’s body. Apparently, though, all his fidgeting was enough to bring Luke out of his peaceful sleep.
“Hey,” said Luke, as he turned his sleepy eyes toward Jai.
“Hey,” Jai replied gently. A more relaxed Luke wasn’t going to do anything to dampen Jai’s arousal.
‘Time to get up?” Despite his question, Luke didn’t move from where he lazed next to Jai, their heads not far apart on their respective pillows.
“Soon. You’re looking good.” Jai’s laugh was awkward. “I mean, the bags under your eyes look a little less drastic.”
“Yeah, but the pillow creases on my cheek have to offset that advantage.” Everything about Luke this morning seemed chill, and Jai had to angle his body to his side to avoid the tent pole that was lifting the blankets around his groin.
“Nah, they’re actually working for me,” came out of Jai’s mouth before he could help it. Blood rushing south didn’t help his ability to be discreet.
Luke chucked and Jai continued, “I’m actually leaving town for Mardi Gras on Friday, and I was wondering if you wanted to come to Sydney with me.”
Luke suddenly looked a lot less relaxed, and Jai knew his impulsive question had thrown him.
“There are reasons why I’ve never gone before,” was all Luke replied.
Well, it wasn’t a flat-out no. “A good friend had probably never asked before either.” Suddenly Jai felt very serious about something that hadn’t been any more than an intrusive thought last night. “Luke, it will be good for you. You have been under enormous stress here in town, and I don’t particularly want to leave you for three days. You can stay in Sydney with my roommate Kris and me, and the party we are going to the night of is a masquerade, so we can make sure no one would ever even recognize you.”
When Luke’s main protest was, “What about work?” Jai knew he was considering it.
“We leave on Friday, so you can do a few hours and get back midday Monday. You’ll only miss one full day, and you definitely have some time owing from that twenty-four-hour-straight shift you pulled. Homicide are all over the case, and even the media will be heading home today.”
For something that had initially been an impulsive invitation, Jai seemed to have worked out a lot of the details in his head. Luke wasn’t exactly smiling, but he didn’t look offended by the idea either.
“I went to the academy there. It is isn’t like I’m completely unknown in Sydney.” This was another of Luke’s objections. At this point Jai was amazed Luke ever got laid he was so deeply in the closet. Was there any place in his life apart from when he was with Jai where he could be himself? This only made Jai more determined for Luke to come with him.
Jai let his hand rest on Luke’s shoulder, hoping his touch was reassuring but also enjoying the connection himself.
“You need this. Believe me about how you’ll be wearing a mask and the rest of it. Once Kris and I are through with you, you could walk down the main street here and no one would recognize your country copper self.” Jai let himself show his glee. “I’ll even let you use my eyeliner.” He let his hand drift from its reassuring touch down across Luke’s chest. “And you’ll get a chance to see me in full party regalia.”
When Luke’s pupils darkened at the idea, Jai knew he had him. “Okay,” Luke agreed.
Jai broke the contact that had been starting to feel too good. “Mardi Gras time,” he crowed, sitting up and thrusting his arms up in celebration. “You totally won’t regret this.”
Luke’s expression of arousal was still obvious. “No, I don’t think I will.”
Knowing if they stayed in bed their relationship would get more complicated, Jai climbed out, still high on the idea of Luke coming away with him. “You’ll get to meet Kris; I’ll show you my favorite coffee shop just down the road from the apartment. We’ll dance on Mardi Gras night until dawn. It will be so incredible.”
He could see from the slight clouding on Luke’s face that the implications were flooding into his brain as well, but for him, they weren’t as welcome.
“Come on,” reassured Jai. “I would never put you in danger of being exposed. I want this for you; I want for you to have a great weekend away and just to feel free for a change. Hey, I want your company.”
The determination that had kept Luke in this town, the determination that had seen him rise up the ranks was apparent. “I said I was coming and I am. I’m just allowed to be a little nervous.”
• • •
Friday came and Jai started the morning by calling work and made sure no emergencies had come in overnight. He had blocked off this long weekend from the day he started the job, so no appointments had been made. This afternoon, his Parkes counterpart would drop in. They had an agreement to cover each other’s on call, so they all got some time away from the area.
The hospital assured him they were fine, so Jai put in another call. “You better be packed,” he started.
“I’m packed,” said Luke. Jai’s joy wasn’t there for Luke but Jai understood. Luke’s week had continued to be stressful and last night he had confided in Jai he wasn’t looking forward to the funerals, which would be held sometime over the next few weeks, when the bodies were released from the coroner. Jai could also see that Luke was nervous about their weekend plans. Once committed though, Luke hadn’t even hinted at the idea of backing out. Not for the first time, Jai regretted they weren’t going to drive to the airport together. He could have used to extra time to relax Luke, through his presence. However, the fear of someone seeing them probably would have done the opposite. That bloody closet Luke was in was doing Jai’s head in too.
• • •
The only good thing about driving by himself was that Jai got to play his own music. Okay, the tracks he choose were a little cliché, but fuck it, it was Mardi Gras weekend, and he was going to get in the mood.
At the airport, he even got to sit with Luke. He had convinced him, as neighbors, that them ignoring each other would look more suspicious than them having a casual chat. Luckily, he didn’t see anyone he knew waiting for the flight. Luke had assured him that someone from town was bound to be there, but Jai wasn’t keen to have to keep up the charade of bumping into Luke with someone he actually knew.
Their conversation, though, had none of the shorthand flow that they seemed to have developed over the past weeks. Certainly it had none of the intimacy of the last few days. They were both too conscious of being overheard to do anything but talk in forced pleasantries. Jai was almost glad to be separated into a different row on the plane. Luke had spent last night in his bed again. Jai had never had a man spend three nights in his bed with no sexual contact; his own sexual frustration almost had him grinding against the mattress last night. It was only the idea of waking Luke that had stopped him from doing it. He was glad his presence provided the comfort Luke needed. He hoped the distance from town would keep the demons of the past week at bay for him.
Jai was profoundly grateful Luke had decided to come. He hadn’t liked the idea of leaving in him in a fragile state. Jai wasn’t sure where this absolute devotion to Luke’s well-being had come from, but he was pretty sure that closely examining it would reveal a few too many questions he wasn’t ready to answer.
• • •
Finally though, they were out of the plane and far enough away from the terminal for Luke to be relaxed beside him. They both shouldered their small carry-on duffle bags. Jai still had clothes at his apartment, where his bedroom was waited for him. And he had declared that Luke had very little that was suitable for the weekend, so Jai was going to insist on at least a new pair of jeans for the cop.
“If you turned on your Grindr at the airport this weekend, your screen would melt down,” he whispered to Luke as they tapped through the ticket machine.
There were hot guys everywhere, and for once the majority were probably available for man-on-man action. Everyone was tanned, buff, and groomed to within an inch of their life. Mardi Gras was the time every gay guy in Sydney aimed for peak perfection, and hot gay men from other cities flocked.
“I’m not sure my phone would have enough processing power for this,” Luke replied. His examination of the their surroundings was a little more discreet than Jai’s but no less avid.
They didn’t have to wait long for a train and somehow managed to get a seat. As they sat, Jai got to enjoy the heat of Luke’s body next to his own as they had companionably squeezed onto the too small bench that didn’t seem designed for two slightly bigger than full-sized men.
Jai smiled and then saw something that had him digging his hand around the heavy warmth of Luke’s arm. “Check that out,” he said.
Luke lectured him as he tried to look in the direction Jai had nodded. “I might not have been out, but I walked the beat in central Sydney for a year. I’m not a total rube.”
Jai could feel the moment Luke saw what had been distracting him. “Okay,” said Luke. “I don’t think I’d seen that before.”
“That” was a very beautiful young man with a line of squares cut down the back of his jeans from the crease where ass met thigh to heel.
“Do you think I could get away with that?” Jai asked admiringly and only half joking.
“For a brief moment when you were nineteen you might have,” Luke replied. He took the pinch that Jai gave him well, smiling. “Don’t even think about it now; my riot training is almost certainly out of date.”
Jai smiled at this and squirmed in his seat a little. The idea of moving through a crowd so exposed with Luke by his side protecting him couldn’t help but turn him on. Especially since at 19 he would have probably been in some version of those jeans but with no one to stop the world getting rough around him. But here, now, in this crowded train he could feel Luke’s strong body by his side and could only think of his reaction if Jai exposed to him his body in such a provocative frame.
“First one to spot a poly-tripod wins,” Jai declared, enjoying how close he had to get his lips to Luke’s ear to be discreet.
He could feel an almost imperceptible shiver when Luke replied, “What do I win?”
They were about to get into their station, so Jai was able to get the final word as they stood. “Didn’t you know? It’s Mardi Gras week; fantasies come true.”