Two days without Gina and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. When she called me that first night, there was something hollow about her tone. She wouldn’t tell me how things were with her parents. The words she’d spoken on the roadside rang back to me. She was a DiSalvo. My biggest fear was that she was taking a page from her mother’s playbook now and pretending things were better inside those walls than they were. It would make her vulnerable if the greatest threat she faced came from within.

Now, on the second night without her, I felt like I was going out of my fucking mind. I paced the deck off the back of my house. Shep had helped me build it just last summer. I had a prime view of the beach from here and normally it calmed me. Tonight though, I just wanted to fucking punch something.

“You okay, man?” Shep and Deacon called from the kitchen. I’d had a few of the guys over tonight. We had the San Antonio run in the morning and Shep wanted to go over some things Bear was worried about.

“Yeah,” I called back. It was no damn good. Between worrying about Gina and keeping the secret of her from the club, I was going to end up tearing my goddamn hair out. It was just past midnight and the guys were getting ready to light out. We were meeting at the clubhouse early.

Shep was already at the front door when I walked inside. Deacon hung back. “You coming?” Shep said to him. Deacon locked eyes with me and put up a hand.

“I’ll be out in a second,” Deacon said. “In fact, why don’t you go on without me? I need to take a leak before I hit the road.”

Shep waited by the door. If Deacon had a superpower, it was empathy. He was always able to sense when something was wrong with one of us. Normally I appreciated it enough to know Deacon more than anyone kept peace in the club when things got hot. Now I didn’t feel like talking.

“I’ll be out front,” Shep said; he too understood when Deacon’s spidey senses were tingling. The bastard. “You know Bear doesn’t want any of us riding alone until this shit with the Hawks and the DiSalvos blows over. Take your time. But don’t take too much of your time.”

Shep went out the front door leaving Deacon and me staring at each other. I shook my head and waved him off.

“Forget it, Deacon, don’t shrink me.”

He dropped his shoulders in a sigh. “I’m not shrinking you, asshole. But you’ve been off lately. Everybody knows it. Since you aren’t gonna come clean about it, it looks like I get to be the asshole who gets in your face about it.”

I realized with sinking clarity that Shep and Deacon hadn’t just come here to blow off steam. This smelled like something Bear set up. Damn.

Deacon leaned against the oak bar I’d built in the kitchen. Fucking Deacon. In a former life, he was going to be a priest. He’d gotten just a few months before taking his Holy Orders before his life blew up and he made another choice. Sometimes I wondered if he regretted it or thought about going back to it. There was no doubt the church’s loss was our gain. He’d gotten us through a lot of shit over the years.

“I don’t need a confessional,” I said, the lie tasting bitter on my tongue. “It’s just been a tense couple of weeks, that’s all. We’re all feeling it.”

Deacon tapped his fingers on the bar. Shrugging, he picked up his unfinished beer and downed it. “Sure. It’s always like this though, Zig. But you’ve been bouncing off the walls ever since this Gina DiSalvo job. You really that worried about her?”

“Yes.” It felt good to just spit out the truth. “Dammit, yes. I’ve said it before, I’ve got a bad feeling where she’s concerned. Well, not even just her. I think the stuff that went down with Junior a few months ago was just the beginning. Like a Band-Aid over a gunshot wound.”

“You’re probably right. But have you stopped trusting Bear’s judgment all of a sudden?” Deacon looked over his shoulder but Shep was gone. He knew better than to eavesdrop anyway. Deacon might not be a priest, but there was an unspoken pact among all of us where he was concerned. If a member was talking to Deacon one-on-one, you don’t intrude. To us, we honored the sanctity of the Confessional, even if Deacon hated the comparison.

God. Had I stopped trusting Bear? No. That wasn’t it. I’d stopped trusting myself. Gina had me spinning. I knew why, but I couldn’t come clean about it, not even to Deacon. Not yet.

“No,” I answered. Deacon’s hard stare went straight through me. I knew the drill with him. He wouldn’t pry. But he also knew me well enough to guess I wasn't all the way honest. The fucker. He’d probably already figured out what was bothering me. Deacon was like that. He was quieter, didn’t party hard like the rest of us. But he was always watching. Not a damn thing went by him.

“Well,” Deacon said, rising. The moment had passed. I knew he figured if I was going to confide in him any more, I would have already. “We’ve got an early start in the morning. You need to get some sleep. So do I.”

Nodding, I put out my hand. Deacon slapped his against it and pulled me to him. I smacked him on the back and put my hand on his head, tousling his hair. When Deacon pulled away, his eyes were hard.

“It’s going to work out, Zig,” he said. “This shit always does. Talk to Axle and Benz if you don’t believe me.”

My heart froze. It was as close as Deacon was going to come to calling me out. Of course Benz and Axle had the most direct firsthand knowledge of what I might be going through. Both of their wives hadn’t initially been good for the club. Their wives. Shit. Is that what I wanted?

“See ya in the morning,” Deacon said. Shep was already yelling from the front yard, tired of waiting. I gave him a wave and walked with him to the front door. I shot a good-natured middle finger straight at Shep as I looked through the window. Shep revved his Harley in response. Deacon waved me off and bounded down the porch steps.

I loved those guys. I loved them all. Doing anything that might hurt them or compromise the club felt like hell. But I loved Gina too. Just how deeply was tearing me up inside. I couldn’t keep going like this. As Deacon and Shep rode away, I knew shit had to come to a head. One way or the other, I needed to take my feelings for Gina to the table. But first I needed to see her.

I walked down to the beach just as high tide started to come in. The ocean air always helped clear my head. Since I was sixteen years old, the Dark Saints had been everything to me. They sheltered me, gave me a way to earn a living, and a new family. Before that, it had just been my mother and my sisters. I’d taken care of them as best I could after my old man died. Now they were settled. My kid sisters had found good men and moved off to have their own lives. My mother was gone. It was time for me to start thinking about how I wanted to live the rest of my life. I knew I didn’t want to do it alone.

I stood at the edge of the water, stopping just before the foamy surf washed over my feet. There was no moon tonight and the stars reflected off the black water, making it hard to see where the sky met the sea. I took out my phone and dialed Bear, steeling myself against what he might say.

“Hey, Zig.” Bear answered on the first ring. He was keyed up about tomorrow’s ride. What I was about to ask would go against everything he would expect from me. Though my heart churned with dread, excitement flared beneath that. It was the kind of exhilaration that came from making a decision and wanting to act on it.

“Hey, Bear. You got a second?”

“Of course,” he answered. Bear’s voice dropped. I think he sensed the serious tone in mine. I wished I could talk to him face to face, but this was the only way to make sure this conversation stayed between us. If I met him at his house or the clubhouse, Mama and the other club members would hear.

“I’ve got some personal stuff going on. How bad do you need me tomorrow?”

Bear’s sigh into the phone made me grip the thing harder. The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint him. As hard as it was, this was the only way to confront my dilemma.

“I’ve been worried about you, Zig. We all have. You haven’t been yourself lately. Something you wanna share with me?”

I closed my eyes tight, letting a few beats pass before I answered. “Not yet, Bear. But soon. I swear it.”

“Okay, Zig,” he said. “You know I trust you. As far as tomorrow, you wanting to bug out?”

“Yeah.” A physical weight lifted from me as I answered him. God, it felt good to be straight with Bear, at least this much. Though he didn’t say it and neither did Shep, I had every instinct that they suspected what was going on with me. It meant everything that neither of them pressed me on it.

“You do what you gotta do, Zig,” Bear said. “You wouldn’t be wearing that secretary patch if I didn’t trust you to put the club first when you have to. I’m going to let a couple of the prospects ride along for you. Give Toby a chance to spread his wings a little. Sound like a good plan?”

“Yeah, Bear. Yeah.” I wanted to say so many other things. I wanted to thank him. I wanted to remind him that he was the closest thing to a father I’d ever had. His trust in me meant everything. I just hoped he’d still keep it after I settled things with Gina and came clean.

“See you in a couple of days,” he said. “Take care, Zig.”

“Thanks, Bear.” He clicked off first. I pressed the phone to my forehead and heaved a great sigh. It was going to be all right. I’d make it that way.

As I turned to head back up to the house, headlights flooded the beach. I raised my hand to shield my eyes. Who the hell would come back here this late at night? My fingers went to my belt, but I’d left my Nine on the kitchen counter.

Two car doors slammed shut and low voices reached my ears. I didn’t recognize any of them. Instinct told me there was no way this could be anything good. Straightening my back, I started to head for the house. Heavy fists pounded on my front door. There were four men, at least. I couldn’t see the one at the door, but the other three had already walked around back and stood at the top of the small bluff overlooking the beach. They saw me.

“Out here!” one called. My fists tightened and my heartbeat slowed.

The fourth man stepped around the back of the house and he wasn’t alone. I’d been wrong about the count. There were six of them altogether.

I stood my ground at the water’s edge. Then Georgio DiSalvo came into view. This was bad. Very fucking bad.

“Wallace!” Georgio called out. He bounded down the wooden steps I’d built to the beach. His men followed close behind. They closed around me. Six against one and all of them were packing. Georgio himself drew down on me.

“What the fuck do you want, Georgio?” My blood turned cold because I already knew the answer to that question.

“We’ve got something to settle, Zig,” he said.

I shrugged and widened my stance. I kept my fists curled at my sides. I couldn’t take out six at a time even if they did give me a fair fight. But I sure as hell could do some damage to one or two.

“I don’t think I’ve got anything to say to you, Georgio. You got business with me or my club, then we talk at the clubhouse. I didn’t invite you here.”

“Oh?” Georgio looked at me then back at the house, gesturing broadly with his hands. “I’m sorry. Your nose out of joint because I didn’t wait to be invited? I figured you like to help yourself to shit without asking so why shouldn’t I?”

“What the fuck do you want, Georgio? You’ve got my attention. You’ve got your little posse assembled here. You looking to kick my ass? I’m down for that. But I think whatever beef you have is between you and me. So let’s settle it.”

Georgio’s face darkened. God, he looked just like his old man. His widow’s peak gave him the look of a vampire tonight. Fitting, because he was sure as shit out for blood. Mine.

“Oh,” Georgio said. “You think I came here to talk or fight fair, man? Sorry, no.”

I tore a hand through my hair. The need to punch one of these assholes burned through me. “Look, I don’t know what the fuck you think is going on here. You talked to Gina?”

Georgio raised his arm, brought it down hard, trying to pistol-whip me. I caught his wrist and turned him, tucking the gun up under his chin. His men closed in, but they were smart enough not to charge me while I had Georgio in a fucking chokehold.

“You don’t get to say her name,” Georgio hissed. “You don’t get to think about her. You sure as shit don’t get to touch her.”

“Too late,” I said through clenched teeth. I could have ended it right there. Georgio came to my house and pointed a fucking gun at my head. There was no way killing him wouldn’t be justified. Except for one thing. He was still Gina’s brother. I knew how this worked. I had broken a code by being with her. Georgio was a shitbag, but his anger was at least partly justified. Plus, there was Bear. He’d kill me if I did this.

I pushed Georgio away from me. No matter what, he’d just lost face. It had taken two seconds for me to turn his own gun on him right in front of these muscle heads that swore their loyalty to him. They saw him for what he was.

But Georgio’s dark eyes widened and I realized a split second too late that I’d misjudged the whole thing. This wasn’t about proving a point or settling a score. Georgio was straight-up crazy. He pointed the gun at me again and pulled the trigger. The silencer barked and I jumped to the side.

“Dance, Zig,” Georgio said. “I like it.”

Fuck it. I went after him. I got my hands around Georgio’s neck before the first blow came from the side. It made my temple explode with fire and blood ran into my eyes. I felt the second and third as I fell to the ground. Booted feet cracked my ribs as Georgio stood over me and let his men do his dirty work.

Fine, I thought, in some detached part of my brain. He’d kick the shit out of me. Then it would be over. I hovered out of myself, watching as blow after blow tore into me. I was too far gone to panic as I heard Georgio yell. He sounded so far away. Sand ground into my cheek as I was dragged feet first into the surf.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. Hands came from everywhere and held me under the water until the world fell away and I was nothing.