Tracy

I didn’t know if I could stay. I didn’t know what my feelings for Maddox really meant. I did know I was embarrassed, and angry, and late.

I was supposed to be in a yellow dress and by Ted’s side.

But inside my heart was in turmoil.

I had thrown myself at him. In my head, I was planning to be aloof. I was planning to ignore the intense attraction that I had for Maddox. I meant to remember the hot-tempered beast that yelled at the drop of a hat. But when we got in the shed, and he was close, I lost all my plans and thought only of being in Maddox’s arms.

Well, that turned out great.

There was only one thing I could be sure of right now. It was that I wasn’t sure of anything.

I decided to get dressed and get going to see Ted. Maybe Maddox was right. Maybe this was me trying to live something out that I wouldn’t have later.

Maybe it was my version of cold feet.

That wasn’t in my mind when I asked Maddox to hold me, to pick me up. All I wanted was more Maddox, anyway, every way.

But he saw something else. Was he right? Was this some sort of ridiculous rebellion that I’d skipped as a teen?

I walked out of the house, the same way I had the night before. Maddox had told me no more bus rides. I was damn sure ignoring that. I needed to get Maddox out of my mental playlist and take control of my life.

And of my future.

Fuck Maddox. Fuck this job.

Except that wasn’t really what I felt.

I loved Sarge already, Bella needed someone to walk her and pay attention to her, and Olivia? She was a dying flower that I knew needed me no matter what came next.

Was my embarrassment and confusion over Maddox enough to through this job away?

I had too much broiling and churning in me right now. I had to sort through one thing at a time to get at what was best for me, to discover what I really wanted.

I got on the bus.

What was happening at The Castle, with my job, was one thing. What did I feel for Ted? The last two times we’d talked he’d been so cold, rude, and in no way interested in anything I had to say.

My deep concern about my relationship with Ted had nothing to do with Maddox. He’d have been this way even if I’d taken a job at the Dairy Queen. I was sure of it. And it was eating me alive.

Was it always like this?

My parents had sacrificed everything so I could marry this man, who, right now, I couldn’t see myself with for dinner, much less for life.

I hadn’t known how dire my parent’s situation was, but I was guilty of letting it get out of hand. That was on me. I didn’t overspend, or overcommit, but I watched it happen.

I could have helped with that.

My new job, my new living arrangement, that was active, that was positive, despite Maddox. I was saving and helping my parents crawl out of the hole they’d dug. I was standing on my own two feet, even though I had walked into a minefield.

The bus let me off at the Port Azreal Rotary Hall.

Ted was there, his campaign manager was there, his parents, and I guess city leaders and such. I should know more about whom Ted was trying to impress at this thing. A good future wife of the governor probably would. I should try to charm them, but I wanted to do nothing of the kind. I wanted to go paint the foyer at The Castle and make Sarge take a walk.

Ugh. I was upside down.

I watched them from across the room. I felt alone and uncomfortable. Ted didn’t notice me there, so I slid in behind his little group of hangers-on as he was introduced to people.

Just before it was time for his speech, he turned to see me.

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Ted took my elbow and leaned in to kiss my cheek. As he did he hissed in my ear, “How could you be late? You know this is fucking important.”

It was the end. That second was the end.

I wanted to make a scene. I wanted to throw the ring in his face. But I didn’t.

I sat quietly on the dais as they introduced him.

I listened as he spoke eloquently about the city we both loved. Port Azreal was beautiful, it was changing; it was home. Ted Perry made his case for why he should lead the city to the next level on city council.

He became more handsome, relatable, warm, and real as he told the assembled business owners why he should be the next council member, even though he hadn’t even turned thirty.

I watched and remembered. It was at a speech just like this that I first fell for Ted Perry. This was how everyone fell in love with him.

But this wasn’t who he was after the speeches were done. The pressure of the campaign was making him tense, short-tempered with me, and not someone I liked at all. There would always be another campaign. This was just the first one.

I saw my life with Ted unfold. I saw us argue about his attitude. About how I felt unfulfilled. That was what could be in my future. Ted kept speaking about his qualifications and his vision. All I saw was an end to our engagement before we even walked down the aisle.

I clapped for him when he was done. I smiled for a picture or two.

Then I discreetly slid the ring off my finger. Damn, I’d like to sell it; that would pay my parent’s debts. Alas, that was a shitty thing to do. I may be confused and hot for some other guy, but I was not a shitty person.

“Ted, can we talk after?” I asked as the event was winding down. He waved me off.

I waited until it was only Ted and his few core people left lingering around. They were rehashing how he did. They were talking about which part of the city they’d hit next and what issue needed increased focus for his next speech.

Finally, I stood up, walked into the center of his circle and took his hand.

“Not now Tracy,” he said. It didn’t make me angry or frustrated. In fact, oddly, it was the calmest I’d been all day.

“Here. You have my vote.” I grabbed his hand and deposited the ring into it. No one would know or see if he didn’t want them to.

He looked at me for a beat. It was the first time I’d had his focus in weeks. Maybe there was as a question on his lips. If there was, it went unasked.

“Call you later,” he said and smiled the same fake smile that he gave to the people asking for a handshake.

I turned and walked away. He didn’t break down or try to come after me. He went right back to the conversation with his supporters.

This was the way with Ted. This would always be the way. I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore. I didn’t want to be the politician’s wife.

I wanted to be needed for me, for what I could do, contribute, solve, not just how I looked in my yellow dress. Or how I appeared on paper for the candidate bios.

My parents were going to lose it. That was for sure.

I was straying from the path they’d created. I was taking a major left turn.

That was my next step. A call to my parents. I supposed I could put it off but I decided that I’d rather piss everyone off in one big flood instead of a drip at a time.

I found a park bench and took the plunge.

“Hello.”

My Dad answered. Thank God. He was the calm one. He was the one that could manage my mom, a little at least.

“Is Mom around?”

“Sure, I’ll put you on speaker.”

“Okay.”

“Hi, honey.”

“Hi, Mom.”

“This one’s going to be a shock. But just so you know, I’m okay.”

“You’re scaring us.”

My Mom was pissed already.

“I’m sorry about that. I’m fine. But, the engagement’s off.”

“Excuse me?”

My Mom was more than pissed.

“Are you okay?”

Jesus, thank God my Dad was a human. I needed a little human reaction right now.

“I’m better than I’ve been in a while. There was no drama, no big fight. I just know we’re not right for each other.”

“You have cold feet. This is ridiculous. We’ve got un-refundable deposits on everything!”

My mother was now screaming into the phone.

“Nothing has changed as far as finances go. I’m still going to help you dig out. I’m still going to contribute most of my check to you guys. This is half my fault.”

“HALF? HALF! I’d say 100-percent. What is Mrs. Perry going to think of us?”

“Mom. That’s not the point. The point is I am not cut out to be the next Mrs. Perry, and I don’t love Ted. I thought I did. But I don’t.”

“You don’t know anything. You’re twenty-two.”

“Dad, can you help here with her?”

“She’s stormed off – that’s what she does. Soon the vacuum cleaner will start, and I won’t be able to hear you.”

“I got it. I’m sorry. I appreciate all you’ve done. But I just can’t marry him. It isn’t right.”

“Honey, you know your mother. She’ll be pissed for a week. Then, well, we’ll figure it out. As long as you’re safe, happy, I could care less if we live in the van. You’re safe, happy, everything’s okay?”

“Yes, Dad, I am okay. And thank you, Dad. I love you.”

“Love you too. Just probably steer clear of Mom for a week or two.”

“Got it.”

“How’s the new, oh, dammit.”

The vacuum had fired up in the background as Dad had predicted. If my Mom couldn’t control me or the universe, she’d damn well control the pile on her carpet.

“I’ll talk to you later, Dad.”

“Yep, I’ll cancel the tuxes,” Dad said in response.

It wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. I did so many things in my life to keep my Mother happy because I feared her temper and her disappointment.

I wasn’t going to live in fear of her anymore. I wasn’t going to live for her or for Ted. I needed to live for me. I needed to decide what made me happy. Not what made them happy.

I found myself walking to a different bus stop. It wasn’t like last night. It was dusk, not dark, and there were more people around.

I felt something close to calm as I walked.

I didn’t feel sad at the loss of my engagement or wedding. I felt relief. I felt lighter.

A familiar truck pulled up next to me.

A strange stab of disappointment pierced my chest when I saw the driver.

“Fitzie?”

“Yeah, I was told to be sure you got a ride. Where to?”

“I guess back to work. The Castle.”

I climbed into the truck.

“Who told you to come get me?”

“Uh, Sarge. It was Sarge.” And then Fitzie winked at me.

“Oh, I see.”

Maddox could turn me on and off but also felt like he had the right to babysit me. He was trying to drive me crazy, I swear.

“So, can I ask you a couple of questions Fitzie?”

“Sure.”

Fitzie was young, skinny, and it appeared at the beck and call of the motorcycle gang that Sarge and Maddox belonged to.

“You’re a Dark Saint, like Sarge and Maddox?”

“I’m a probie, on probation, provisional. I’m hoping to be a Saint.”

“Why does Maddox need you to bring stuff over? Doesn’t he hang out at your club? Don’t you have meetings?”

“Well, we do. But he’s been avoiding the club since Olivia. Sarge and him argue about it. I’ve heard them.”

“What do they argue about?”

“Sarge says the club can help find who did this to Olivia. Sarge says the club helps you get through the tough times. Maddox ignores him. He used to be different.”

Fitzie was a good source of information. I’d have to file that away.

“Maddox?”

“Yeah, he was always ready to help a brother. Now he stays away. He hardly even talks.”

“And they don’t know who shot her?”

“Well, Maddox – all of us – know it was a Devil’s Hawk, but we can’t prove it yet.”

“A what?”

“A Hawk. We’re enemies with them. Big time.”

Fitzie sounded as young as he looked right then. Saints, Hawks, provisional members, vendetta? This sounded like something out of a movie, not something out of real life.

But I had seen Maddox’s room. I’d also seen him on his bike. He did look dangerous and out for blood. I wondered about The Devil’s Hawks, what were they like. Were they the same as The Dark Saints? I’d never seen them around Port Az.

“Why would The Hawks shoot Olivia?”

“Oh, they were probably going for Maddox. But you’d have to ask him that. I don’t know all the things, I’m not allowed in Church yet.”

“Church?”

“Dark Saint’s meetings, that’s Church.”

“Oh, okay.”

The history of Maddox and Sarge was something I wanted to know more about. I wondered about the guilt they must have connected to Olivia’s shooting.

I had done some searching on the internet. She had been shot in broad daylight outside a coffee shop. Maddox was there but couldn’t identify the shooter. I wondered if there was any more to know.

“I’m going to check on Olivia a little, if that’s okay. Unless you need anything else. I’m supposed to get whatever you need,” Fitzie informed me.

“I don’t need a thing. Thanks for the ride.”

Once we got back to The Castle, Fitzie disappeared toward Olivia’s room.

I checked in on Sarge and all was quiet.

I wondered about Maddox. Was he still in the house? I cringed at the thought of our last encounter.

I had learned my lesson though. No more throwing myself at him.

I felt something powerful for him. I couldn’t deny that. But it had nothing to do with Ted. Maddox thought I was some sort of joke, I suppose.

It didn’t matter. I had done something tough today. I had taken the reigns of my own life. Whether Maddox was in it or not, I knew breaking my engagement was the right call.

I had fooled myself into believing what my mother wanted was what I wanted.

That was over.

I could focus on doing a good job here. And I would resist the urge to march up to Maddox’s room and finish what we’d started, twice.

A path of independence was healthier, I supposed, than the one I’d been on with Ted.

I thought about nursing again. The satisfaction I’d gotten helping Sarge made me wonder about going back to school, crossing the finishing line.

It was something I needed to think about. No more rash decisions for this girl.

It was late. The house was so big.

I heard Fitzie leave. I decided to check on Olivia too.

Only the monitors that measured her vital signs lit the room at night. The night nurse nodded. Maybe I’d ask her one of these days about nursing. She was more approachable than that bitch day nurse.

I looked at Olivia, the braid I’d put in her hair was gone.

“Did you do her hair?” I asked the night nurse.

“No,” she said and I looked down at Olivia again. I couldn’t imagine Sarge or Maddox doing anything with Olivia’s hair. But it had been changed.

I sat down and opened the binder again. It wasn’t a diary, but it did make me feel closer to Olivia. I had a little insight into her personality, her plans. It really was a little pinboard of the things in which Olivia was interested. She even had things in there to do for her Dad. There was a recipe that had ‘For Sarge’ written on the top. I pulled it out. If Olivia was going to make it for Sarge, maybe I could.

I slowly scanned the pages. There was that weird note again.

I’d forgotten about it in the craziness of the day.

It worried me a little. I thought Maddox, or someone, should know about it.

I could tell Sarge but then I thought about how my Dad would react to something like that. A note from someone who seemed, well, disturbed. He’d be overly worried when it was probably nothing.

I stroked Olivia’s cheek and decided telling Maddox was the best course of action on this.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to head up to the third floor but that was, in my estimation, ridiculous. I walked upstairs to find Samuel Maddox Junior, resident beast of the castle.

“Maddox?”

There was no answer. I second-guessed myself. If he wasn’t home, I shouldn’t be up here. I’d show him the note tomorrow, or whenever I saw him. He could decide if it meant anything.

I turned and to walk out.

“Do you not understand English?”

He growled the words. Maddox had been sitting in a giant chair in the shadows. He had a bottle of something on the floor.

Great. Drunk and pissed at me. Wonderful combo.

“I understand English, I just wanted to—”

He interrupted me.

“ – Mind fuck me again? No. I don’t think so.”

His words stung. Why did I even try with this man?

“Look, I’m out of here,” I said. I wasn’t scared. I was pissed. There was no reason for him to be an asshole. I was trying to help. I’d had it up to my eyebrows with asshole men.

“Where are you going?”

“It’s none of your business.”

I tried to match his roar but failed miserably. So, I slammed the door behind me and took the stairs down two at a time.

I had to get out of the house. It was huge, but its air felt stifling all of a sudden. The dust that I hadn’t gotten to was everywhere. It was choking me.

I walked out into the night air. I hadn’t made my way to the beach on the backside of the house yet. That sounded like the right place. Fresh salt air to mix with the salty tears that Maddox was able to bring forth with a look. I wasn’t crying over Ted and we just broke up. Whereas, Maddox, yes, in a hot second.

Why was I surprised that he was so mean? Why did I think I could have a normal conversation with him?

The beach along the back of the house was why a lot of people knew about The Castle. If you were in the bay, you could just see it. From the bay it looked dark, seemingly empty, and old.

I put my shoes in my hand and sank my toes into the sand. I had a lot of thinking to do. Could I stay here? Probably not. Maddox was too much for me. I didn’t understand my emotions where he was concerned, and he clearly wanted me out. I wanted to help Sarge, but I wasn’t going to fight Maddox to stay in this place every single minute I was here.

It was beautiful out on the beach. I’d seen a picture of the family on the beach in Sarge’s room. Back when they were whole, back when Olivia was healthy. In the picture, Maddox was even smiling. I’d spied a picture of Kade and a few of the other bikers who’d adopted dogs having a day out here.

It wasn’t that long ago but the carefree pictures seemed a lifetime away from the way Maddox and his Dad were living in this place right now.

A few lights from down the beach caught my eye.

I recognized them as motorcycle lights. Three bikes were getting closer and closer.

What the heck? For a second I thought it must be Maddox’s friends, The Dark Saints. Maybe it was Kade? But I knew it wasn’t. I could sense that what was barreling toward me didn’t intend anything good.

I turned to run back to the house. But it was too late; they cut me off. Their patches had Hawks on them. Devil’s Hawks, like Fitzie was telling me about earlier.

They circled me on their bikes.

“Hey!” I yelled. What were they after? Whatever it was had nothing to do with me. I was just in their way, I guessed. Maybe anyone in Maddox’s sphere got in their way?

They were all mean looking. Every single Saint I’d laid eyes on had their own handsomeness or at least rugged magnetism. I thought it must be a club requirement.

With these three bikers though, that was not the case. They laughed as they slowly circled me, and the light in their eyes was somehow malevolent. They were playing with me like I was trapped kitten. This was a game to them. I needed to find a way back to the house.

I looked for a gap.

“Let me through.”

“Not likely. !e thought we’d fuck up Maddox’s shit. Instead we can fuck up his girl?”

“I’m not his girl. I work here.”

“Right, what kind of work is that?”

They cut the engines on their bikes. I was in trouble. They had some issue with Maddox and I was in the middle of it.

“I told you. I work here. That’s it.”

At least off their bikes I could try my little sprint move again. I bolted between two of them, but it was no use.

“Jonesy, you get her first.”

Get her first? What?

The one they called Jonesy was just as fast as I was. He grabbed me and threw me down on the beach.

I screamed.

And then, just as fast, he went flying into the air. Maddox had arrived.

“Get the fuck off her.”

Maddox’s fists were flying. It was the first time I’d seen him without his leather. He was wearing a white t-shirt that strained across his chest. His hands were balled into fists and they landed in quick succession on Jonesy.

The other two tried to stop Maddox but it was no use. He was going to beat this man until there was nothing more left.

“No. Maddox. Stop!” I yelled. I didn’t want to watch him murder someone on my account.

He kept going. The other two bikers had decided it was better to get the hell out of here.

A gunshot rang out into the sky, putting a stop to Maddox’s assault.

“Get the fuck out of here, Hawk! I see you again, I put a bullet in you.”

It was Sarge. Somehow, he’d walked from the house to the beach.

“Let him up, Maddox,” Sarge said and Maddox reluctantly did as he was told.

Jonesy scrambled to his bike.

Maddox’s fists were bloody and Sarge looked like he’d used every ounce of strength he had to come down on the beach and chase away The Hawks. He’d left his oxygen tank in his room.

It must have taken a huge amount of energy for Sarge to go down the stairs and then fire that shotgun. I was worried.

“Maddox, we need to get him back upstairs.”

I walked up and put my body under one of Sarge’s arms. Maddox did the same on the other side.

“Let’s take these steps slowly,” I said, and we did. Small, slow steps to the house were all Sarge could handle. My concern shifted so fast from the escaping bikers to helping one, I was surprised I wasn’t dizzy.