Maddox

Holding Tracy in my arms was right. Even if every other damn thing I’d done that day was wrong.

The bubble held, we were together that day, that night, and the next.

She took care of Sarge when she wasn’t trying to take care of me. I didn’t need her to nurse me, but I did think she was healing me. Not my arm, but me.

I pulled down the pictures of Hawks that I’d had on my wall. Now that Jonesy C was gone, I could hate them as a whole, not one fucking Hawk at a time.

Sarge and I were rarely far enough from Tracy to talk about what went down but I had Fitzie take her into town one afternoon.

The heat from The Hawks, when they realized what had happened, was the worry that kept me up at night and had me holding as tight as I could to Tracy.

I sat down in the chair next to Sarge’s favorite recliner.

“What did they say at Church?” Sarge asked me.

“I haven’t been.”

“Still? You know they saved our asses the other day. Bear doesn’t let Dugger clean up just any mess. And Fitzie came through too.”

“Yeah, well maybe I’m not ready to be social.”

“Look, son, I know you don’t want my advice.”

“Got that right.”

“But I’m going to give it to you.”

“Look, if it wasn’t for the club, Olivia wouldn’t be where she is. That’s all I really need to know. And maybe staying away from the club will keep Tracy safe.”

“So, you hate the MC now?”

Sarge looked hurt, like he was asking if I hated him.

“No. I don’t. I love my brothers. I know they had my back. I just see how it is. How it can be for the people near us.”

“You know I loved your mother more than anything in the world?”

“Yeah, yeah I guess.”

“You also know she never begrudged me the club. She never tried to stop me from Church or doing the things like we both had to do to that Hawk.”

“Mom’s gone.”

“Yeah, and it wasn’t the club, it was cancer. You can’t protect the people you love from the world.”

“Pretty deep shit there, Sarge.” I didn’t want to hear what he was selling. I wanted to put Tracy in a bubble. I wanted to put Olivia there too.

“Does Tracy know about what happened?”

“No. I don’t want her to, I’m afraid she’d fucking run for the hills.”

“I think it’s the opposite. I think you’re afraid she’s going to stay. I told your Mom everything.

“Everything? That’s bullshit.”

“Well, enough. Enough to be sure that it was her decision to live this life with me.”

“You think I should tell her what happened? Implicate you for murder?”

“Say what you think. But I think Tracy is the one for you. I think without her, your life is going to be tragic. I don’t want that for you. You deserve what I had with Mom.”

“I’m not you.”

“No, no you’re not.”

I left Sarge there and decided to ride.

I wanted Tracy to stay, I wanted her to go, I wanted to share my life with her. I was a mess of conflicting emotions.

I hated what Sarge had said to me because it was true. What he’d put in place with The Saints was a family. It was family of blood and violence some days, but it was a family that would shed that blood for you no matter what.

If I was going to be a Saint, I needed her to understand.

I didn’t want to do this life without her. But I didn’t want to deceive her.

I spent a good two hours on the bike and wound up at Kade’s place. He’d been making a go of it with a woman he loved. So we Benz, Axle – even Chase, I heard.

I knew they loved their old ladies. But they hadn’t lost a young vibrant innocent sister to this life.

Kade greeted me, “Hey brother, good to see you.”

“Thanks.”

“To what do I owe the honor?”

“You know Harlow’s friend, Tracy?”

“Sweet young thing, yes. I used to call her Snow White. That’s what she looks like to me.”

“Me too. I – well. I love her.”

Kade smiled at me.

“Don’t, just don’t. I can’t stand sharing feelings.”

Kade laughed and shook his head.

“Okay, so what’s the deal? Need me to help you find a ring? Pick out china patterns? I’m game.”

“No, I need to know how, with our lives, can you justify being with a woman?”

“Oh, well shit. There’s no way to. I mean Harlow and I almost didn’t make it. She was in harm’s way because of us, the club, and yet somehow she saw past all that shit.”

“But you, what would you do if something happened?”

“Fuck, man. Do we have to talk about this?”

“I’m struggling.”

Kade put a hand on my shoulder and took in a deep breath.

“Here’s the God’s honest. It wasn’t my decision. I can’t live without Harlow. I tried to keep her away, and, for whatever reason, she says she doesn’t want to live without me. It wasn’t me deciding the life. It was her.”

“Shit.”

“What?”

“You sound just like Sarge.”

“See, I’m wise beyond my years.”

“Ugh.”

“You gotta be honest as you can with her. She has to have her eyes wide open. Then you move on to whatever is next. And you come back to the club, so we can keep all eyes on her too. You get me?”

“Thanks, brother.”

“You’re welcome. See you at Church?”

Kade sounded exactly like Sarge.

“One step at a time.”

“Alright, alright.”

Talking to Kade was good. My way forward was as clear as it could be, even if it wasn’t easy.

I rode back in a different state than when I’d left.

Tracy was sitting with Sarge when I got back. She took such good care of him. Even though the man had gone through some major shit a few days ago, he was rallying. The man that was the Prez of the MC was still there.

I let her have her time with him. I knew it was good for him, and who knew what would happen after we talked. After I laid it out.

Sometime later, Tracy brought a tray from Sarge’s room and I followed her into the kitchen.

“So, you’re ready to talk to me?” she said as she loaded dishes into the dishwasher. I watched her again. She was a lot like Josie: tiny, but fierce. She’d stood up to Sarge and me when I for sure made it as hard as possible. I wanted to grab her and hold her.

And I wanted to lie. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t in the MC. That we were out of that life. But I wasn’t. Sarge was the founder, I was the treasurer, and I was also a man who was going to have to defend the club from a lot of what I had caused because of old wars and new vendettas.

“How’d you know I was ready to talk?”

“I’d like to say I can sense these things but that’s bull. Sarge told me to ask. What happened to your shoulder? Why were you stabbed? What’s the club really into?”

“Sarge and I killed the man who shot Olivia.”

She blinked at that but didn’t run. Hell, she didn’t even move.

“Why did he shoot Olivia?”

“Aiming at me I guess. I’d helped another member against The Hawks. That’s the best I can figure. But we’re headed to a full-on war with The Hawks. That’s what you need to know. Not today, not tomorrow, but it’s coming.”

“How can you calmly just tell me you and Sarge killed someone?”

“I’m calm because he was a scum, an abuser, a criminal, and he did that to Olivia. If I could kill him again, I would.”

I saw her take a step back.

“Is that what The Dark Saints is about? Killing? Vengeance?”

Her voice was shaking, and I began to see that she would leave me. Now, today, in this moment, my heart was about to be ripped into a million pieces. She’d never be able to live the kind of life I was telling her about. She’d never be able to love a man like me.

I was losing her with every admission. With each truth, she was seeing me clearly.

“The Dark Saints are keeping Port Azreal safe. We’re about brotherhood, and we’re even about family. But we do this our way. We had to, that’s our history. That’s how it’s worked here for a long time.”

“You’re a murderer.”

She turned the truth back at me.

“I am. I need you to know who we are, who The Saints are, and I need you to know that I love you.” I took a step forward and she took a step back.

“Why can’t you quit?”

“It’s who I am. And it’s my blood. I tried to deny it but it isn’t going to keep the MC from being a part of everything I do.”

Tracy’s eyes were filled with tears. A part of me had an illusion about how this was going to go, that she’d say it was okay. That she was okay.

But that was a small part of me. I knew she’d need to separate from me. And I also knew that was the safest thing for her.

I’d accepted that her hating me was the best thing for her. Hell, it was good for me. Knowing she was outside of this life gave my conscience some rest.

While it was fine for a lot of the old ladies, Tracy knew Olivia now. She knew what it meant to be an innocent in the line of fire.

She put a hand up and shook her head.

I stopped trying to touch her. She walked out of the kitchen and left me there.

I knew I had lost her.

I was glad she left because at the same time the part of my heart that she’d opened broke off and went out the door with her.

It was time to go back to The Dark Saints.

A war was coming. A war I’d done my share to start.

At least now I’d done what I could to be sure Tracy wasn’t collateral damage.