Chapter 13
Harper
The next few weeks are a haze. I’m going through the motions of everyday activities without feeling anything at all. No, that’s not exactly true. I’m terrified of the future. I’m also terrified of my physical reaction to Jayson. Whenever he’s near, I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not going to touch him.
Because it’s all I want to do.
Am I refusing to have sex to punish him? Or am I just punishing myself? I didn’t think I was that petty. It’s difficult to look at Jayson without remembering the sharp agony of discovering the true reason for our marriage. That agony has faded to a duller, constant ache, but being near him is still torture.
To want him at the same time? It’s crazy.
At least Jayson seems to have dropped the idea of Sophie marrying Loukas. Tension remains between them, but it looks as if they’ve declared a tentative truce. Sophie is due to depart for college next week. She decided to go earlier than she originally planned, since we ended the vacation so abruptly. I suspect she’s probably escaping before Jayson changes his mind.
If only I could escape so easily. The atmosphere is stifling. It makes me want to run screaming from the house, though that wouldn’t solve anything. Until the baby is older, I’m trapped in a loveless marriage with Jayson.
It depresses me to visualize another few years of an empty relationship, let alone a lifetime. At least before we went to bed together, I convinced myself I didn’t love him any longer. I also had Sophie as a focus of my attention. What will I do with myself from the time Sophie leaves until the baby comes?
In truth, I’ve started to look forward to having the baby, but it’s difficult to muster enthusiasm when I’m feeling so low.
The next few days drift by, and I’m lost in my own thoughts. Once Sophie leaves the household in a week, I’m even more lost and lonely, but can’t reach out to Jayson. He would likely offer comfort — and perhaps suggest we try to build a real marriage again — but I can’t risk exposing myself to more pain.
A few days later with Sophie gone, I’m in in the study, attempting to focus my attention on a natural health pregnancy book. It’s one of a stack I discovered on the table near Jayson’s desk. Jayson’s the only one who could have purchased the books, since it’s unlikely one of the housemaids or the cook would have bought them. It touches my heart that he is so involved with the pregnancy, and yet it’s confusing. How can he be so thoughtful, and such a liar at the same time?
The door opens, but I don’t look up. I’m sure it’s one of the maids. Jayson left for the office hours ago, and he’s coming home later and later each evening. I can’t help wondering if he’s found a mistress to fulfill his needs. It shouldn’t hurt if he has. So why can I barely breathe when imagining it?
As the door closes I look up, alerted to his presence through some subtle sixth sense I’ve developed when it comes to him. “Hello.” How difficult it is to get out the simple greeting and keep my voice neutral.
“Hello.” He casts a glance at the books on the table, along with the one on my lap, looking sheepish. “It’s probably too early to buy those…”
I manage a small smile. “I guess you can’t start preparing for this kind of thing too early.”
He nods. “Do you have a moment?”
I hesitate. “Why?”
“I want to show you something.”
I bite my lip, and consider refusing. Without a good reason, turning him down would be childish. I don’t want to punish him by behaving like that. It’s in both our interests to achieve, and maintain, a decent relationship since we will be raising a child together. “Sure.” Taking time to fold the corner of the page that I’ve reread several times without absorbing any information, I set the book on the cushion beside me. He looks poised to assist me when I get to my feet, but I step away before he can touch me with the hand he seems to have raised only through instinct.
He sighs audibly, but says nothing about it. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” I answer, slightly aloof, as I walk beside him. When we take the stairs, I tense up. Is he planning to steer me into the master suite? Will he try to persuade me to have sex?
Will I let him?
Breathing a slight sigh of relief, I try to ignore a twinge of disappointment when we bypass the bedroom. Is he going to surprise me with a renovated room, turned into a nursery? My lips twitch. If so, he’s certainly being proactive, since I’m not quite eight weeks along yet.
Instead, he leads me farther down the hallway, to the door with roof access. Intrigued, I climb up the flight of stairs, wondering what he wants to show me on the roof.
We emerge into the sweltering heat and I shield my eyes from the sun. “Are we going for a swim?” I ask lightly, as we walk toward the pool.
“No.” He walks past the pool and lounge chairs around it. When Jayson moves slightly, I catch sight of a white building that wasn’t here before, and my heart skips a beat. I stop beside him when he comes to a halt.
“Is that a greenhouse?”
Jayson nods. “The workers set up everything this morning.” He gestures to the area beside it, where someone’s built raised gardening beds and filled them with rich soil.
I blink, speechless for a long moment. “Why?” I finally ask.
He turns to face me. “I want you to be happy, Harper. You told me you missed gardening during the time we’ve been married. I want you to have it back again.”
My eyes blur and I blink back tears. “I… I don’t know what to say.”
He pushes the hair off my face, tucking it behind my ear. “Say you’ll be happy here, with me.” Jayson pauses before adding, “Or say you’ll at least try to be happy. Seeing you mope around hurts me inside, agape mou.”
I meet his gaze and the air around us crackles with anticipation. “Why does it hurt you? My sadness won’t hurt the baby.”
Jayson runs a rough hand through his hair, betraying his frustration. “Not everything is about the baby. You are my wife, and I hate seeing you act like a prisoner serving a life sentence.”
Closing my eyes, I struggle to form a reply. “I’m doing the best I can.” His gaze is still locked on mine when I look up. “I can’t promise you anything, except I will stay until the baby is older. I don’t know if I can be happy with you.”
He jerks away, starting to pace. “You were happy on Trini Island. We were happy. Can’t we go back there?” Jayson stops in front of me, his expression a mixture of frustration and earnestness.
I shake my head. “I can’t. I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t. Or isn’t.”