Chapter 5
Angel
The last thing Mama said to me before she left for her duties at the reclamation shed was that I was forbidden to leave. Again. Her eyes drifted over my legs as I lay in bed. I wasn’t sure if she was considering criticizing my choice of nightgowns, or checking to see if my bruises had healed yet from the whipping she gave me. Either way, I was still grounded.
She's gone now, and I know I can probably lay in bed for quite a while longer. Maybe even all day. Over the last few days, I've cleaned every nook and cranny in our little house at least three times. I don't have anything else to do. Even the garden is all tidied and weed free now. I doubt any giant burdock plants have sprung up overnight, so all I really need to do is go out there to retrieve sweet pea tendrils and check for rabbit damage.
I can't sleep anymore. I'm not tired. Laying here is making me edgy and sore. But without anything else to do over the course of the day, why should I even bother? Why should I get up?
My thoughts drift to a sermon Father Daddy gave once about the sinfulness of sloth. It's no accident that sloth is one of the deadly sins. You might think it's not so bad, he said, but stealing the labor you should be donating to your Family, by withholding it, is unforgivable. That is why we cannot indulge in sloth.
But is it sloth if I have been commanded to stay here? And I’ve run out of chores?
The thing is, the sermon was so compelling. I understood the danger of that sin immediately after he explained it to us. I know I need to get up. I can almost sense Father Daddy's disapproving stare if he knew what I was doing right now. Just laying here, pretending to want to sleep.
He would be so disappointed, he would probably get that look in his eyes, that angry squint. The one where he is trying to calculate something, as though he can weigh the amount of sin like a sack of flour or something. Hold it in his hands. Bounce it against his palm, with his arms and chest flexing under the weight of it.
And then it overtakes me again. Images of Father Daddy and Brother Owen with the newly-named Obedience. I know I wasn't supposed to be there, and the remaining, stinging ache on my backside and legs reminds me just how much. Mama’s cruel, enraged expression is something I won’t be able to forget soon either. I know I risked embarrassing her in front of the other aunties. That would not have been forgivable.
Yet, I can't bring myself to regret it. It was an absolutely miraculous vision I witnessed. I can’t forget the glory of Father Daddy and Brother Owen in their unabashed nakedness, their literal holy forms exposed to me, as they made a woman of Obedience.
I curl onto my side, trembling in the thrall of the vision of them that I can't seem to get out of my mind. I know I shouldn't keep replaying at, but I can't help it. I just can't.
What they did to her… that was sacred. That was a secret ritual and knowing that it awaits me too sends electric thrills through the deepest parts of my body. My core trembles. My heart flip-flops from side to side, banging against the inside of my rib cage.
Will they do it just like that? Will Brother Owen open my mouth, place his manhood against my lower lip? What does it taste like? What am I supposed to do with it?
Will Father Daddy lean over me, nudging his manhood against my flower? How could he? He was so big, it doesn't seem possible. I don’t believe I could manage it.
What if I can't? What if I get to the ceremony and it's just impossible? What if there is something wrong with me and my body can't accommodate him?
The thought shocks me. I'm instantly disappointed in myself, filled with shame that I might let them down in such a way.
But it can’t be true. Can it? The results would be devastating. I could be cast out. I could be found defective and sent to live among the heathens.
No. I can do better. And besides, maybe I'm fine. Maybe I'm built exactly like Obedience, and she seemed to manage the ceremony all right, didn't she?
But just to be sure.
I should check?
I should.
Even though Mama told me never to do this, in the strictest and direst of warnings, I let my fingers drift over my belly and into my thick, cotton panties.
I was always told that my hands should only brush over the top of my flower to clean it. Quickly, with a swiping motion. I was definitely not to linger here, I remember as my hands creep even lower. I resolve not to explore it too earnestly. My flower is a gift I am meant to give my Master. It's not to be opened too soon, nor treated roughly.
But I need to be certain. Cautiously, I let my fingers drift to the warmer parts of me. I roll back onto my back and bend my knees up, planting my heels farther apart.
I have to do this. I have to make sure I'm suitable for the ceremony.
Slowly I allow myself to press further, inching my fingertips over my seam, gingerly stroking back and forth, a little deeper and a little deeper yet. Was he here? Is this how deep he went?
No. It was further than this. This can't be all there is. This slippery wetness. This hot seam. I have to see. I hold three fingers together, then four. Is that the right size? Certainly it had to be something like this. That's absurd. How would anything like this ever fit inside me?
I place my heels further apart, trying to visualize my flower unfurling, opening for him. Can I do it? I wiggle against my fingers, and the sensation is different than I expected. It's so moist, so tender. It feels good when I touch myself just at the top, where there are bumps and protrusions that I can't quite identify. This didn't really appear in any of the picture books we were given during our education. But I can feel how it really is like the petals of a flower, how there's a feeling of opening, of becoming more ripe with each second.
I imagine Father Daddy over me, with that intense glare. His eyes boring into mine as his form covers me, blocking out the light. His weight bearing against my hips, pushing my legs open. I need to move a little more, press myself against him a little harder.
We would rock together, nudging our secret parts closer and closer together until they could interlock, until they could join. I could do that for him, and the desire to do that swells inside me like the bursting of a white firework in the sky. It trembles, glittering faintly until suddenly filling the space behind my eyes with lights, a rushing sound in my ears... sparkling, flaming trails that slide down the sky and become cool, watery, silvery bits of bliss rocking me back and forth.
My whole body trembles. My hand is wet and sticky and I realize I've just been to a place I've never been before. It's as though I left my body. It's as though I walked through a portal to another place.
Probably an evil place. Exactly the somewhere my mother explicitly told me not to go, and I did it anyway.
Shame rushes through me. What have I done? Oh my God, what have I done?
I leave my bed, throwing out an arm to balance myself on legs that are wobbly and uncertain. I've just done something I know I'm not supposed to do.
I just touched the evil that lives inside of me.
I have to repent.
* * *
“What's wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” I say and stare down into my bowl of oatmeal. The cream swirls around the top, like a river flowing over some foreign landscape.
“Are you sick?”
“I'm not sick,” I tell her. “Really I’m just worried I’m going to be late for the sermon.”
“Then you should be eating instead of pretending you’re sick,” she observes. She scrapes the remaining porridge out of the bowl and then washes it in the sink. I hurry behind her, careful not to make eye contact.
As we leave our house, we join everyone else on the path, heading toward the service barn. As soon as we're in line with our Family members, I feel the heat go off me immediately. Mama is looking at everyone around her, one by one, as though trying to sniff out their imperfections. But at least she isn't looking at me anymore.
The last couple of days, it's been so hard to stay out of her way. She’s come home after her duties tired and cranky, on edge for no apparent reason. It’s as though she resented me for being there all the time, even though she is the one who grounded me to the house.
Finally, now I'm back outside, back among regular people. Not hiding inside like some kind of shameful beast. I'm back out where have a chance to reach out, to join with my brothers and sisters and get back in the groove of things.
And to confess. Most of all, I remember sharply, I need to confess what I did.
“Oh, I think I see Tulip over there… do you mind?”
Mama just nods impatiently. She's trying to push her way up a few rows in the crowd and get alongside her pal Annie. They love to sit next to each other during the service with the other aunties and pretend nobody can hear them whispering.
I watch her disappear behind a couple people in front of me and don't bother hurrying up. She’ll find Annie, Agatha, or somebody else to talk to. This is okay. It's nice just to be outside, among everybody. So much nicer than being quarantined for reasons I didn't even fully understand. Was it because of the bruises from the whipping? Or was it really because I disobeyed her?
“You'll want to sit next to me at the service,” comes a voice close to my left ear. I automatically flinch away, twisting to see Seth’s spotty face. I have to look up because he's grown five inches in the last year, which is a new thing. He was always much smaller to me when we were kids. Still mean as a snake, though. Being close to the ground has that advantage I guess.
“I'm going to sit with Tulip,” I mutter. “Is that Matthew over there? Why don’t you cuddle up with him?”
He bumps against me and then again, on purpose, I'm sure of it. His hip juts hard against mine and nearly pushes me off the path.
“Quit it, Seth,” I hiss through my teeth. I don't want to draw attention to us, but I don't want to fall over into the dirt either.
“You shouldn’t sass me.”
“You shouldn’t boss me around,” I retort.
“You're not to be able to tell me to quit it when I'm your Master,” he informs me with a leer. “Then you’re going to have to do everything I say. Every little thing. That's the way.”
“You're not going to be my Master,” I roll my eyes. “I don't even know if I’m going to get a Master. Anyways, that's a long ways off.”
I feel his eyes drift over me, lingering around my neck and shoulders.
“It may not be as far off as you think,” he shrugs. “All kinds of things could happen. Things could change…”
He leaves the question open at the end as though I'm supposed to ask him more. It does get me wondering. What is he hinting at? Has he heard something? I don't want to ask, but curiosity scratches at me from the inside, like a kitten trying to get out.
“Fine. What are you talking about Seth?”
We round the final corner before the church service barn.
“Oh, you'll see,” he sneers.
I start to walk away from him, heading quickly for the open door.
“Fine, don't tell me!” I call out over my shoulder. I see Tulip just a few yards ahead of me and rush to greet her, leaving Seth behind. She looks at me with surprise, flipping her long dark braid over one shoulder.
“Hey!” she says as a greeting, smiling and then remembering to close her lips over that broken front tooth. “You're here! Where have you been?”
We duck through the doorway together, linking hands and heading for the back row, where all us flowers are supposed to sit. We're just slightly better than toddlers, in Family hierarchy. We are not as important as aunties, not as important as the women who are prepared for marriage but not yet married. Certainly not as important as the men.
But Annie bars our entrance to the bench. I assume that she's there for me, but she looks at Tulip instead.
“Not today, girls,” she tells us, jerking her chin toward the front of the barn. “Today you will sit up front.”
Tulip grips my hand tighter. I know what she's thinking.
“Have we done something wrong?” she asks in a high, reedy voice.
Annie looks instantly furious, snatching Tulip’s hand away from mine and shoving her toward the front row. Out of the corner of my eye I see the beginning of a smirk. She's entitled to be forceful, but she's not supposed to enjoy it so much.
We shuffle toward the front row. There are five of us all together, although two are really too young to be considered anything more than children. Tulip, Abbie, and I are the only ones close in age to the deflowering ceremony. Obedience is with the unmarried women, right behind us. She looks flushed, proud of her new station in the Family.
As we settle against the bench, I can feel everyone's eyes burning holes into the back of my neck. They know it's strange that we are in the front row. It's practically brash. I wonder what they are thinking about us. It's probably not entirely good, and I feel strangely exposed, wondering if somehow my clothes have turned transparent.
But all the whispers stop when Father Daddy strides onto the large, raised platform at our end of the barn. He is staring at the Bible and his hand, his fist curled around it as though it is a small animal. But he is staring so intently, it's as though he's filled with anger.
The air goes electric. Everyone is completely silent, waiting to hear what Father Daddy has to say. It's always good. Some tale of hellfire, punishment, or the wages of sin as he calls it. The implication being: the world suffers from all manner of spiritual disease. We are inoculated by being here. Our goodness saves us from that misery.
When his eyes rise from the Bible, they lock directly on mine. I'm frozen where I sit, my breath turning to concrete in my chest, my blood freezing in my veins. He looks directly at me, like we never have before. We lock together instantly and I listen hard, expecting to hear his voice in my mind.
He begins to speak, but I can't even really understand it. A white noise fills my head, like a million bees in a hive. I'm so confused. Why am I here? Why is he staring at me?
Does he know? Did he see me at the barn, or did my mother tell him?
Is he furious with me?
Dimly, I'm aware that he's talking about hellfire again. He must know. He's probably intending it as a message to me. That's why I needed to be here in the front row, so I could get the full brunt of everything he has to say. So it can wash over me like a tidal wave, pulverize me to powder underneath it.
He strides back and forth, the heels of his boots thunderous against the wooden planks. I try not to watch his body. I can easily imagine the outlines of him under the thin fabric. I know what he looks like. I feel like I have a secret I'm not supposed to have. I know exactly what he looks like under his clothes.
And I like it. I’m so ashamed!
He strides away, directing his voice to the rafters. I can hear the other Family members murmuring, approving and agreeing with every word. It’s like a community song, this whispered agreement.
He turns around again, and our eyes meet again, exactly the same. It’s intense. A connection is strung between us like a wire. It’s so real I can almost hear it sizzle. I bet everyone else can too.
And yet, he looks furious.
Does he know? Did Mama tell him that I saw him at the ceremony? Or is it worse than that?
Does he know about the demons inside me? I have to tell him. Confession will cleanse me. I have to let him expel the demon from me.
I hear voices all around me rising higher and higher.
“Yes, Father Daddy,” they say, one on top of each other, each louder than the last. The sermon is over. Can it really be over? Is that all?
Father Daddy turns away, accepting thanks and praise from other members of the Family. But I can't let him just go. I have to talk to him. I have to tell him. I stumble forward, picking up my skirts so that I can step onto the platform, where I'm definitely not supposed to be. Tulip snatches at the back of my sleeve.
“Angel!” she hisses, the air whistling through the gap of her missing tooth. “What are you doing? You're not supposed to!”
But then I feel it, another pressure on my arm. His hand, so warm, so strong, pulling me away. I lift my face and am almost blinded by the light of him. He smiles down on me, though his eyebrows are still knotted together in a very serious expression.
“I — I — just needed to…”
“It's all right, little Angel,” he says in a low voice, like thunder from far away. “Come and talk with me. Tell me everything.”