A door slamming startled me awake, and it took me long seconds to figure out which country I was in. My only clue was a man tucked against my chest, my arms around him and my nose buried in his hair. It felt like a long time since I’d last woken up like this, and I glowed with satisfaction.

Kev.

I smiled, the haze of last night lifting. I remembered arriving on the flight, Kev greeting me at the airport…

Oh, right. The broken china that had bothered Kev so much. If I went to make coffee, it would take me a few minutes to get there safely. I could always try, anyway. One less heartache for Kev if he didn’t have to see his prized collection in pieces again.

Kev hadn’t budged when the door slammed—the walls were so thin here that it sounded like a neighbor’s front door—and the apartment rattled. When I tried to peel myself away from him, he made an unhappy noise and gripped my forearm. Apparently, I was going nowhere.

I laughed gently and settled down again as Kev gradually stirred and rolled over to face me. “Morning, you.”

“Morning,” I greeted, brushing his hair out of his eyes and pecking his lips. “Sleep okay?”

“Like a log, apparently. Don’t remember much of it,” Kev admitted. Then he smiled, sleepy but definitely awake. “Except the bit where we’re boyfriends.”

“That’s a good bit to remember. Good morning, boyfriend.” Man, I was gonna have to call Ben today and tell him the news. He’d want to meet Kev immediately. Maybe I could put it off for a week or two. I didn’t want all my embarrassing college stories out there yet.

Kev giggled quietly. “Good morning.” He looked precious wrapped in the duvet, his hair splayed across the pillow.

I just wanted to capture this memory for those mornings I had to wake up alone. I cuddled him for a minute, not saying anything to break the silence.

Kev was the first to do so. “When do you leave for Dubai?”

There it was: the sinking feeling in my stomach, much worse than leaving for Singapore had been—or any other country I’d visited for work, for that matter. “Um… Monday,” I muttered. That was one way to pop my bubble.

He hummed quietly and didn’t say anything, rolling onto his back and stretching his arms above his head.

“What?” I knew that look—he was biting his tongue about something, and it bothered me.

“Just planning when I can sext my new boyfriend.”

I sighed and pulled him into me, rubbing my hand along his stomach and up to his chest to try to soothe him. “Anytime you want. It’s not all that bad.”

“Unless by some freak chance it is. Like, the police search your phone for whatever reason.” He shrugged. “You can’t guarantee it won’t happen.”

It was maddening that he was right. “Lots of people travel there.”

As much as I could fool myself into using that excuse, he wasn’t buying it. “Sure they do. And there are headlines about a few of them every year.”

“The US isn’t always safe either.”

Kev hummed and rubbed sleep out of his eyes as he pushed the covers off. “You can go to Friction without sneaking in the back door.”

I smirked, about to make a back door joke, but the look he gave me silenced me. Instead I sighed, sitting up and watching him gather clothes for the day. “I know.”

“I’m not saying not to go,” Kev added slowly, laying underwear and socks on the bed. He chose jeans and a shirt from the rack. “Just that it’s scary how much I miss you even when you’re going somewhere pretty safe. And it scares me how much it scares me to think of… well, that.”

I rubbed my hand down my face and nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been having second thoughts, but I can’t back out now.”

“Can’t you?” He frowned before he picked up a towel. “But then, I can’t even hold down a job. Don’t listen to me,” he chuckled.

“I’ll get us coffee,” I told him. I didn’t want him getting down on himself if I could help it.

“Nah. The kitchen stays like that until Adam cleans up his fucking mess. Bet he’s not even home.” Still grumbling, Kev disappeared down the hallway.

I smiled fondly after him. Even when he was in one of these rare grumpy moods, he was adorable. I just wished I could help him find the direction he seemed to so badly crave in his life right now.

Leaving on Monday suddenly felt that much closer, even if we had the weekend ahead of us. It meant I was going to miss a meeting with the charity building, but that was pro bono anyway. They understood if I couldn’t keep a close eye on it.

Oh, that was right. I’d meant to ask about volunteering at the LGBT hotline. Not exactly something I could manage if I was about to add more international travel to my schedule, though. But I’d found my own way of making friends. Linda would be happy.

It hit me out of the blue: last time I’d been in the office, I’d seen a draft of an ad for telephone operators. Counseling skills required, and the pay wasn’t great, but…

Could that be something up Kev’s alley? He was passionate and clearly justice-oriented. He was eloquent and good at listening, when he wanted to be. And that made him understanding, but his sense of justice was so strong that I knew he’d never forgive me—not for violating his moral code, but for letting myself violate my own.

Fuck.

I weighed my phone in my hand for long moments, but the decision had already made itself.

I dialed Valerie and crossed my fingers she would answer. Lucky for me, she did.

“Hey, Charlie. What’s up?”

I grimaced. “I’m sorry to do this to you, but we need to talk about Dubai.”

“What is there to talk about?” She didn’t sound surprised, though.

That was a good point. Either I was in or out. Sitting around being indecisive didn’t benefit anyone.

“I can’t do the project. I was lying to myself, thinking that I can.” I drew a breath. “I know I’m screwing up planning, but… I’ll happily talk to Alex about it.”

“No need,” she told me. “I’ll call him myself.” I wasn’t imagining the annoyance in her tone.

“Sorry,” I added. “I can’t betray myself to get ahead in my career. I understand if this makes me a bad fit for the firm.”

“We’ll talk more on Monday,” Valerie told me, which didn’t at all leave me with an ominous foreboding. “See you at eight.”

“I’ll be there.”

When I hung up, I pocketed my phone and sighed. Sitting here stressing about being let go was only gonna drive me nuts. May as well put myself to good use.

But just as I reached the kitchen, the bathroom door opened behind me. “Nuh-uh,” Kev warned me. “We’re going out for coffee and leaving that mess for him to clean up.”

Far be it from me to get in the middle of this. Like sibling rivalry, roommate arguments were best stayed out of. “Can I treat you to Bubbles?”

Kev’s smile warmed me inside. “I’ll let you,” he decided. “Did you want to stop by your place?”

“I’ll need to bring my luggage home first. Then we can get coffee, lunch, a sneaky makeout, and then I’ll go crash?” I suggested. I didn’t plan to stay out long and I really didn’t want Adam losing his temper and wrecking my stuff.

“Sure.” Kev almost skipped to his bedroom and I chuckled as I followed. “Gimme ten minutes.”

Watching him get dressed, I could kill more time than that. “Take all the time you need.” I stretched out on his bed, hands behind my head. When he dropped his towel, I tilted my head and made it obvious I was watching him walk around his room naked.

He giggled and threw his towel at me, and then wiggled his way into his clothes. Seeing this goofy, rougher, less meticulously self-conscious side of him was its own reward.

Oh, yeah. I’d missed him.

The stop at my house was just long enough to drop off my luggage. I wanted it out of the way for the fun day I had planned. We were out of my house in five minutes flat, and very quickly found ourselves at Bubbles.

“Breakfast?” I suggested with a grin.

I hadn’t expected him to wince as he looked at the door and then me. “Sure,” Kev finally concluded and turned to lead the way into the diner.

I’d have to ask him about that later. For now, I followed him to his usual booth in the window.

“Need a menu?” I asked.

“Hangover special,” he said with a shake of his head. “I never get anything else. Well, just toast when I… I don’t feel like eating.”

There was so much he didn’t say, for all his openness and communication. I respected that, though. He could talk at his own pace and I’d never try to force anything out of him.

“Morning, Kev,” Jared—the owner—greeted. “The usual?”

“Yessir.” Kev looked at me.

“I’ll have what he’s having.”

“I bet you will.” Jared winked and flipped his book shut as he headed off.

Kev’s cheeks were red. When Jared came back with the pot, he cleared his throat. “It’s not like that.”

I was in the dark here. I’d thought he was teasing us about showing up together, but now… why was Kev denying anything was going on?

Jared just smiled. “I know.”

“How?”

“I’ve got ears everywhere,” Jared told him and finished filling my cup. “Enjoy.”

When he left, I just stared at Kev, brows knitted. He tried to touch my hand, but I pulled it back. “Not like what?”

“Don’t rub it in.” Kev shook his head. “I’ll tell you later, when it doesn’t make me spitting mad.”

“Oh.” I had no idea what to think, so it was just as well that Kev changed the subject with less subtlety than he’d ever shown.

“So, you gonna see me before Dubai?” He was keeping his expression carefully neutral, I could tell. The self-control it took was obvious.

“About that…”

He held up a hand before I could explain. “I’m not going to criticize you or make you defend yourself. You sure as hell have the right to make up your own mind. I courted danger for years, after all. I ain’t no hypocrite.”

“It’s not that dangerous,” I said, shaking my head. “That’s what they tell me.”

“Can I visit?”

“No.” I wasn’t sure how to tell him I’d changed my mind on the whole damn thing. “No need.”

He raised his eyebrow and didn’t say anything.

“I never wanted to put you in danger,” I said, sighing.

Kev raised his other eyebrow now. At least they matched. “So you don’t think you’re worth taking safety precautions? The worst-case scenario wouldn’t bother you?”

I blinked a few times. From a guy who’d just denied we were together, this was giving me whiplash. That made it click. “You’re not pulling back because of my trip, are you?”

Kev looked just as confused. “Pulling back? I’m here with you.”

“But not with me.”

Breakfast arrived, so he couldn’t answer until Jared had left us alone again. When he had, Kev looked right back at me. “Are you changing your mind?”

The whiplash intensified. “Am I?”

“I don’t know!” Kev exclaimed, but at least he was laughing. “Make up your damn mind!”

“About what?” This was why I preferred spreadsheets and diagrams to people. None of this vague assumption-based bullshit.

“Dating me.”

“No,” I scoffed, my jaw dropping. “Why would you think—are you changing your mind?”

“Hell, no.” He looked just as confused.

“Why did you tell Jared we’re not together then?” I tried not to let that sound as wounded as I felt.

“I didn’t!” Kev cradled his mug of coffee by his chest like a shield. “I—” He looked around and lowered his voice as he leaned in. “I almost got thrown out last week by a waitress.”

“What?” All of a sudden I didn’t want to eat. I pushed my plate back. “Why?”

“She had a problem with what I do—did. Jared fired her.”

My appetite returned and I grabbed a crispy strip of bacon to nibble on while we talked. “Right. So you weren’t saying we aren’t boyfriends.” The opposite, in fact.

“Yes. I mean, no. You’re right.” Kev breathed a sigh of relief and I nudged his foot with my own.

“I’m sorry,” I offered up. “I just feel like…” No, that was a waste of time.

“Like?” Kev stubbornly prompted. I waved at him to forget it and eat, but he wasn’t giving in.

“Used up. Like I had my chance the first time around, and now I’m… not the twenty-something model you could have instead. You know you could.”

He quirked a smile, refusing to indulge my rare moment of self-pity. “Babe, you’re thirty-two, not three hundred.”

“You don’t need to say that so loud,” I muttered. “Besides, you said before that you’re old for Grindr.”

Kev’s smile disappeared. He picked at his food before he finally looked up. “I do feel old, because I never expected to make it this long.” He said it without emotion, like he was afraid of what would happen if he gave me another crack in his armor.

Oh. That was a punch to my gut, distracting me completely from what we’d been saying. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“It is what it is.” Kev’s smile gradually returned, like a lightbulb being dialed up. “Whole new Kev is on the way.”

“Not whole new, I hope,” I told him with a soft smile. This time, when he touched my hand, I turned it palm-up to take his. “I like a lot of this Kev.”

Kev’s blush was so worth it. “Maybe not all-new, then. Just refurbished.”

I laughed, but it was a good word. He’d done that for me without even knowing it. With Kev in my life, I had more to look forward to than I had in years. “And I’m not going to Dubai.”

Kev’s grip tightened and almost crushed my hand. “You’re not?” The relief was so evident that he gripped his chest for a moment.

“No,” I said, and finally, everything felt a little more right. “I have too much keeping me here.”

“But…”

“Damn the opportunity. I’ll make my own,” I told him. “Eat up and get ready to go shopping.”

“For what?” Kev looked startled.

“You’ll see.” I nudged his foot again. “Before it gets cold.”

“I… okay.” Kev gave in and smiled. This time, he dug into his hash browns with an appetite.

And so did I.