Chapter 21
It was Tuesday again. Tuesdays had once been reserved for hitting the gym and going to lunch with Mom. Now it was the day after Raven had become the ultimate nutcase.
Those damn anxiety pills. Against her better judgement, she’d taken the PM prescription and forgot all about it during her chat with William. And after said chat, she’d drowned herself in wine.
Raven got out of her car and slammed the door. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she cursed herself about mixing alcohol and medication.
Digging a hand into her purse, she rummaged for loose change and shoved it in the meter as a vision of Liam’s face coursed through her brain.
The warm May sun beamed down on the umbrellas over tables at the bistro. Chatter crowded her ears as she weaved through the linen-top tables toward Damien.
He stood in a cream suit and gave her a hug. “I ordered your favorite chicken salad as a bribe for you to come to dinner tonight.”
“Gosh, I thought we were just enjoying lunch,” Raven said sarcastically. “I do not want to see her.”
“I’ve talked to you about holding grudges until I’m blue in the face.” He took a deep breath as she folded her arms, then he proceeded with extreme tactics. “Be kind to one another, tender—”
“Yes, yes!” Raven rushed the rest of the words, “... tenderhearted, forgive one another as Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32. Thanks, Dad. She’s seeing that hot Latin actor Miguel. I know it. Why are you even trying to help?” Raven had attended one of the Deceptive Desires tapings. She wasn't sure, but she'd be damned if Char and Miguel weren't banging each other's brains out after the way they went at it on the show.
Damien's affect never changed. “Hmmm, I’m glad you know your Bible. How about taking heed to its instruction?” When that sneer didn’t go away, he continued, “After Char went to rehab, I made a promise to get the two of you back together. It’s been difficult, you and Char made sure of that, but I won’t back down.”
Blaming it on the pills, her insides ran hot and cold while they ate, and Damien made his case. He did a good job providing witty replies to her terse retorts. He even showed a grin of satisfaction to their playful disagreement as he grubbed on Kobe beef.
“All right.” She tossed her cloth napkin on the table as he smiled triumphantly. What have I got to lose? Certainly not a mother.
***
“Dear God.” Charlene paused, at a lack for words. “Please put it in Raven’s heart to forgive me.”
Dressed in all white Christian Dior, Charlene turned the doorknob, taking a deep breath.
Royael bounded into the house with a frown on her face, her tiny voice holding a tremor as she said hello.
“Hi, baby doll. What’s wrong?”
“I wanted to show Daddy my baby auntie, but Mommy didn’t wait for him.”
“Sorry about that.” Charlene put an arm around her grandbaby. Since Raven seemed to be on her phone, stalking back and forth near her car, they walked upstairs to the nursery. The room smelled of baby lotion. Trinity sat in her crib amongst a throng of stuffed animals and raised her arms when she saw them enter.
“Wow, she’s fat!” Royael giggled, looking through the wooden bars.
“Yes, Trinity loves to eat.” Charlene grabbed the baby and hoisted her on her hip. They went downstairs as questions from A-Z flew out of Royael’s mouth.
“I don’t know the answer to that, Royael,” Charlene said as they entered the dining room. She stopped short, seeing her daughter, and tuned out Royael’s inquisitiveness. Gulping, she watched as Raven came inside the room with that unreadable face she’d almost gotten used to seeing.
Raven smiled at Trinity as she held her arms out. Kissing Trinity’s chubby cheeks, Raven said, “I missed you so much, little sister.”
“I’ll sit Trinity down.” Damien appeared from the kitchen with cartons of upscale take-out. He hugged Raven and Royael.
“You guys, go ahead and eat. Mom and I are going for a walk.”
Raven guided her out the French doors. They stopped at the lake shore.
“Water always brings me peace,” Raven said after a moment. “Look, I’m not searching for another apology. I’ve never been a fan of words, and saying sorry is a useless one. Actions mean more than anything.”
“Okay,” Charlene hesitated.
“There’s only one thing I’ve always wanted you to do.”
“Raven, while I was in rehab, I spoke with my therapist. I had them confirm if I could help Otis. He wasn’t a blood match; I would have helped if I could.”
Raven picked up a rock and skimmed it across the peaceful water. “Glad to know, but that’s not it. I’ve only ever wanted you to look me in the eye. No words, no apologies—shit, if you really want, you can tell me you love me. But look me in the eyes when you do it.”
Her gaze flew to the sweet grass below her stilettos. “It’s hard for me.”
“Yeah, I realize that. You’ve always looked just to the left, just to the right, a little high, a little low. When you see me, you see your rapist, don’t you?”
Shoulders hanging, Charlene nodded. “That day you and Liam came into my life, I always knew. There was no way in hell you were related to him. To Roy. I just …”
“But I’m not your rapist, Char, I’m your daughter.” Raven stared, transfixed by a woman who hated her. “You hate me.”
“No!” Charlene held her hands out, and again, she looked just left of her daughter’s gaze. “I love you.”
“People lie. It happens all the time. I’ve learned not to feel slighted when someone makes a promise they have no intention of keeping, just to be nice in the moment. But dammit, I don’t believe you.” Another rock soared out of her hand, skipping so far across the lake that she had to bat her eyes against the setting sun’s glow to watch it disappear. “You’re lying to me. And, unfortunately for me, I care.”
The heels of her shoes had become wedged into the muck. Charlene forced her stiletto out to step before her daughter. She placed her hand on Raven’s shoulders and, for the first time, looked into Raven’s eyes. “Yes, you are Roy’s child. Nobody can tell me otherwise. That DNA crap from the Lemaîtres is bullshit. But Roy’s eyes aren’t the reason I have a hard time looking at you. Well, shit, they are. But they aren’t the full reason. I’ve failed you, Raven. I have failed you!” Charlene took a deep breath. “Do you know I waited for a few months for your eye color to change? I know some babies are born with colored eyes, I hoped you were one of them. For almost ninety days I put something above myself. Not trying to say ‘woe is me’ or pat myself on the back. Anything you could ever do to hurt me could never compare to what I’ve done to you. I knew you in those few months, I tried to love you then, and nothing in me was able to. I hated everything about you. Then I went and made it. I became a star using every bit of emotion which should have been reserved for my child on acting. And yes, when you and Liam came to see me, I still hated you! It took Damien, counseling, and hell, learning how to truly love myself to realize that I love you. So yes, I find it hard to stare at you because of Roy, and because deep down inside, I’m aware that I’m not worthy to even be your parent.”
They stared at each other. A cool breeze brought wisps of black hair in Raven’s face, but she didn’t push them away.
“I love you, Raven.”