* * *

I wrapped my arms around him feeling so relieved he came back.

My heart leapt when he came through the door.

It soared into the heavens I when saw he’d returned to being the man who looked at me with that want, desire and adoration again. That was when I let go of the thread I’d been holding on to and I fell. I fell for him right there and then and I was still falling even though he was holding me.

He pressed his lips to mine before I could even speak, and when he did it felts like a magical force rushed over my fallen state. It was like a pure blast of energy and electricity that sparked and ignited every cell within my body.

I’d been holding back for weeks. Holding onto myself, holding on to my heart. Keeping what I could in a box somewhere inside my soul where I thought I’d be safe. But, I wasn’t. All that time I was actually making myself suffer by denying me what I wanted most.

I wanted him. I wanted Tristan, and not only in that sexual passionate way I’d come to know. I wanted all of him, the part I had and the part that I’d stopped myself from having.

My head spun as he lifted me up and took me upstairs. We turn the corner to go to my room where we normally sleep but I stopped him.

“Your room.” I said softly against his lips. My voice is barely audible to my own ears because I swore I could hear my heart beating that wild ferocious rhythm of want and desire.

“No baby.” He answered surprising me.

For a moment I’m thrown and I look at him searching his eyes for the reason why he doesn’t want me in his room.

“You don’t want me in your room.” I stated feeling the backs of my eyes sting from tears that threaten to fall again.

“It’s not that baby. I want you wherever I can have you, but I feel like my room is hell. It belongs to the old Tristan who was a man whore. This is me trying to deserve you. I want wherever we are to be a place where it’s only ever been us. Me and you. Not me and anyone else.”

Shame fills his eyes and I feel terrible for the thoughts I’ve had all these long weeks. I just presumed that he wanted to keep his room separate from me to evade the awkwardness that would come when we broke up. God, I even assumed I wasn’t as good as his women to be someone he’d take to his room.

I misjudged him completely.

I slid down from his arms and took his hand into mine.

“It’s us now.” I told him and he looks at me as if hearing that meant everything.

I smile and walk backwards, pulling him towards his room.

He returned the smile and follows. As soon as we’re inside he kisses me again and that magic immediately reclaims me.

Every time we’re together it feels different but tonight is exceptional. I felt like every touch is a reassurance of how he feels about me, and I hope he can feel that way about me too.

I hope that…I hope he can feel that I love him.

I’m so crazy, how didn’t I recognize this before? That I was in love with my best friend.

I touched him like I love him, and hope he can feel the difference. It’s different to touching like you want or need. It’s a combination of both but amplified with emotion.

The world fades away from my vision and I can’t see anything besides him.

I felt when I hit the center of his bed, and I was aware that moments later we’re both naked. That’s as much as my brain registers.

Everything else is feeling, emotions that I feel deep inside my soul.

Passion bursts into a million glowing stars when we joined. My body, desperate to have him, welcomed him as he slid into me and that felt different too.

The same way I realize that I love him, I also note that we’re not having sex, we’re making love.

I felt the pleasure of every thrust all over me. It was intoxicating and overwhelming.

I want to always feel like this. As if all I’ll ever have is happiness. Pure, pure, happiness.

We climaxed together and come as one, fueled to new heights in the pure heat and pleasure that sent us shivering into a plane of transcendence.

I rested against his chest when he pulls me to him and wrap my arms around him, loving the feel of his strong corded muscles.

I felt like something more has changed. I’m no longer falling for him. I’ve fallen. I’m at the place where I’ve hit the bottom of where I was going and I have to accept it.

I have to accept that I’m completely and utterly in love with Tristan, and there’s nothing I can do to stop the tide of emotion that overwhelms me.

And, I don’t want to stop it. I want it.

I want to be in love.

* * *

We made love all night.

I couldn’t believe that I got the chance to experience that amazingness all night with him, and just like that first time we were together we barely slept.

I needed to get up in an hour if I was going to make it to work on time, but could I move?

Heck no. I turned and looked into Tristan’s bright blue eyes and smile.

“Stay with me today baby.” He kissed me, giving me the sweetest kiss.

“I have to go in. Today is the big day.” I replied, even though I want to say yes.

“They can send you a message. Call in sick.”

“Priscilla will know I’m with you.” I knew she will. It’s so obvious when I tried to lie, especially when I’m lying about Tristan. I start blushing uncontrollably and then that’s the giveaway that my whole excuse was a lie.

“Then she’ll understand baby.”

I laughed and smacked him playfully in his chest. “I’ll try to be back early.”

I’d just see if I could get away after lunch.

I could surprise him again at his office.

“I have to go. I don’t want to but I should. We can go out on a date later if you want.”

Date.

That made him smile.

“We’re going on a date?” his smile widened.

“Yeah. I’d like that.” I told him kissing the top of his chest near the tattoo of his player number.

“So, you’re saying you’d date me?”

“I am dating you Mister.” I giggled.

This is me trying. Trying to be the girlfriend. I’d woken up with the thought in my head and to be honest I didn’t feel all that different because I suppose I was already acting like I was.

I was just giving myself the title now.

“I’m dating you too.” He said with a firm nod of conviction as he lifts himself up to sit.

He rested his back against the headboard and leaned his arm down on the fluffy stack of pillows. He was watching me.

I get up too and pull the sheets over my breasts.

“We’ve been through a lot haven’t we,” he stated.

“Yeah, we have.”

“I was remembering when I first met you.”

Or meeting was hilarious.

Our principal had all but forced me to tutor him to save his ass and to secure the team’s chance of winning the mid-season game against our rival school, Thomas Kelly High. Our school didn’t have a hells chance without their beloved quarterback, who at the time wasn’t getting the grades to play and the school board was against giving special treatment.

He outrightly refused to be tutored and worse to be tutored by a junior, and worse to be tutored by a fourteen-year-old junior who’d skipped a grade.

“You called me band camp.” I filled in. He thought I looked like a band geek because of my braces. I remembered his face now when he saw me coming towards him with my books.

There I was fourteen years old about to approach the high school quarterback, the most popular boy in school. I was nervous as hell and he completely humiliated me by raising his hand and saying no straight in my face. Then he walked off and left me standing among a host of laughing students.

“I’m sorry baby. I was a complete asshole,” he chuckled. “Thank God I came around though right?”

“Only after that stupid chicken got stolen.” I grimaced but started laughing as I remembered it all.

That was actually how we became friends. The rival team stole the team mascot, Percy Chicken – which was actually a rooster, but they thought chicken sounded better. I was the only one to help him to get it back. We were terrible, we broke in to Thomas Kelly at night, found the chicken being kept in the basement and ran like hell when we were chased by the security guards and their dogs.

Tristan only pulled that heist off with my help because I was the only one who could fit through the vent and get him inside. I’d told him I’d help if he agreed to study, which would in turn get Principal Kennedy off my back.

In the process of doing that I didn’t realize what great friends we’d become.

“I owe that stupid chicken everything.” He chuckled.

“Me too.” I giggled and took his hand when he reached for me.

He pulls me into his lap and all we do is kiss until I have to get ready for work.

* * *

I know I should be more nervous going into work but honestly, I had Tristan on my mind.

I’ve come to the conclusion that as badly as I want the job I’ll be okay if I don’t get it. I thought earlier about all the reasons why I wouldn’t get it. But, I’m okay with that. Priscilla has always been supportive of my teaching methods and has allowed me to do what I wanted with my classes. If I got to do that, then I’d be fine.

For now. It will be okay for now at least but I know I want more from my career as a teacher.

Getting this job would be perfect. I love the school, I’ve worked here for a long time and I can see myself staying here for years to come. So I had my fingers crossed and cross my toes too when I was called in to the meeting room with Gertrude at noon.

She didn’t say anything to me, and didn’t look at me either.

Good. It’s better this way.

Priscilla was already inside the room when we entered. Seconds later the five board members come in. Marcus Winterbourne, the head governor, is one of them. He’s carrying the portfolios. I recognize mine because my binder has my name written in old English calligraphy. There was no specification to how we made our presentation so I was going for a unique look to represent the image I wanted to bring out. It was Rachel who taught me that. Furnishing me with gems from the marketing world.

Marcus sat next to Priscilla. Helen Platt, his second in command sits next to him. I’ve seen her around a few times and we talked once or twice at a few school functions. She’s nice, and unlike Marcus who has a very stern expression she looks pleasant. The other three members of the board I recognized, but I couldn’t recall their names.

Priscilla straightens up in her chair and smiles at us both pleasantly. As usual I couldn’t help but admire her clothes. She looks really elegant today in a black business dress and a bold gold necklace with rectangular diamantes going around it. I allow my mind the second or two to be distracted and then I focus again and try to steady my poor heart from beating out of my chest. My nerves built with each second that passed and I needed to stay calm.

“Thank you both for coming,” she began.

I sat up and took in a slow breath. It’s the moment of decision and will be another change for me either way.

“We’ve been in deliberation over this and I have to say that it was a very difficult decision.” She continued.

The board members nod in agreement and I’m at least glad to hear the decision was difficult because I know how much they love Gertrude.

I cut a glance at her and she has that Cruella face. The subtle cockiness of someone who has it made and that surety of confidence.

She thought she had the job. It was clear to me that, that was exactly what she thought.

“After review of your application, your experience, the wondrous ideas you come up with we’ve decided that we’d like the new head of our English department at Malibu High to be Zoe Carter.”

I heard Priscilla say my name but I was too shocked to register what she was saying. And, my thoughts are interrupted by the shrill screech of Gertrude next to me who sounds like a banshee.

“This is an absolute outrage,” she practically screams.

“Gertrude please calm yourself,” Priscilla interrupted her.

“No, I will not calm myself. You seriously pick her over me? I have twenty years worth of teaching experience if you took experience into account then that outweighs her mere six years.”

I wanted to say something, because honestly I was now sick of her and her shit but I held back because I could see that she was digging her own pit.

The head governor glanced over at Priscilla and the look on his face was one of disdain and complete disapproval.

“Gertrude, we don’t have to justify our decision to you. We’ve said all that you needed to hear.” Priscilla told her straight with that don’t say another word tone.

But Gertrude didn’t take the hint. “I want to see her portfolio. I’m sure she’s lied to you.”

“How dare you?” I now cut in. Up until now, I’ve been patient and held my tongue. I’ve had this woman breathing down my neck since I started working here, making my life unpleasant and unbearable.

“How dare I what? You don’t deserve the position,” she balked at me.

It was so awful that I didn’t get to celebrate something I’d wanted for such a long time. A position I worked damn hard to earn.

I did deserve it and I’d be damned if I was going to allow Gertrude to take the achievement away from me.

No, no way and not today.

“You are the worse example of a teacher, and it is you who clearly didn’t deserve it. You have no concept of dignity and you don’t know how to work in a team. You are truly unprofessional for speaking to me like this, and in front of the board and my first act as head of the department is to request that you’re teaching position at this school be reviewed.”

Even I couldn’t believe that I’d said that to her. The look she gave me now was classic and I actually wished I could take a picture of it. Through the corner of my eye I saw the stunned but proud look on Priscilla’s face from my reaction.

“You think you can do that to me?” Gertrude snapped looking at me as if she could kill me.

“I just did it Gertrude. It’s done.”

“And we approve the request,” Marcus said shocking Gertrude to the point where her whole face went pale.

“What? What do you mean? You approve her request?”

Helen cleared her throat. “I’m shocked at the behavior you’ve displayed today, and I think that if you can attack our opinion in this manner and talk down to a member of staff that is now your superior we have a problem here.”

“I see, so my teaching position is under review.” Sarcasm rippled through Gertrude’s voice. “You know what? All of you can go fuck yourselves. I resign.” She screamed, and jumped up from her chair. Grave dug, body in all on her own.

I watched her storm off and slam the door so hard the glass in the window shakes.

“Jesus,” Priscilla commented.

I turn back to look at her and see how shocked she is. That was only the second time she’d seen Gertrude in action. I was used to it, but had to admit that the last two outbursts were by far the worst.

“I’m sorry for that Zoe,” Marcus apologized.

“It’s okay. I’m good. Thank you all for giving me a chance at this. It’s always been my goal to have an opportunity like this.” I resume my air of professional dignity although I can’t deny that I feel slightly thrown by what just took place with Gertrude. “I’ve waited a long time for this.”

Priscilla looks really proud of me.

“It’s a well-earned position, and you deserve it. I’m looking forward to seeing what you will do,” Marcus says with a sure nod. The others are smiling.

I did it. I actually did it, and God forgive me but I’m even happy that I won’t be working with Gertrude anymore.

We all start talking about the ideas I proposed in my portfolio. They’re interested in the exam preparation class I pitched and want to know more about what plans I have up my sleeve.

The meeting that should have taken an hour runs into two and I leave later than I planned, but still earlier than I would have left if I was working a full day.

I even told Priscilla I was going to leave early so I could celebrate with my boyfriend. It sounded weird to tell her that since the last person I referred to as such was Brian.

He seemed like a distant memory now that never should have happened as far as I’m concerned.

Now I’m with Tristan and it feels like I should have always been with him.

I parked at my usual spot and jump out of my car. I’m about to make my way over to his office when I see him come outside. I wondered if he saw me arrive from his office window.

I move to go but stop again when I saw a dark-haired woman running up to him, long curls bouncing with life as she moves to him. I would have dismissed her as no threat until I saw the saucy way that she ran her hands over his chest when she reached him.

I watched with my heart still, I can’t feel it beating. A lump formed in my throat and I can’t swallow.

He was looking at her, in what way I couldn’t see from here but I knew him. I knew the look he would give when he was in the presence of a beautiful woman. I’d seen it before. I’d seen him, and knew what his reactions would be.

The horror of what I felt became so much worse when I saw her move her skirt down to show him the edge of her panties, then instead of moving away from her like I hoped he would he put his arm around her and ushered her into the building. He did exactly what I knew he would do when placed in that situation.

Tristan went with her.

I wanted to stay calm. I wanted to put logic into perspective and remember what I felt last night, what I felt this morning.

I wanted to remember how much I loved him, and that I wanted to be with him.

And…that was just the thing. I loved him and wanted to be with him. I knew Tristan and accepted long ago that he had a way of life that was different to mine.

All the fears and worries I’d had over the last few weeks resurfaced in my mind, but it was almost as if it all came rushing back on me hitting me full force to the point where I could barely stand. Could barely breathe.

I did love him. I loved him so much but maybe that wasn’t enough. I needed commitment. I couldn’t go about on a daily basis worrying that he was going to grow tired of me and then ditch me.

I knew he would never intentionally hurt me. However, sometimes things happened in life and you couldn’t control them. I needed someone who I knew would always be true to me, only me. He could only be that for me as my best friend. If I had just one example from the past of where he’d been in a lasting relationship I could draw on from that right now. I could buffer the sadness that was filling me, and the anxiety that was suffocating me as I wondered what he’d be doing with that woman.

Would he take her to the back of his office? The room that we used. Would he touch her the way he touched me?

What would he do?

All the possible scenarios coursed through my mind, each worse than the last. Each resounding in my being. Screaming to me and telling me that I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be his girlfriend. I just couldn’t.

If I continued, if I even tried to fight and soldier through my emotions, and yes, jealousy, everything would fall apart.

And then I’d lose him.

I’d lose him for good.