* * *

It seems like I well and truly did it this time.

Day eight and she’s still not talking to me. In fact now it looks like she’s avoiding me, and I stayed away to give her, her space.

This is the longest we’ve been like this, and I swore I’ve done worse things. I know I have. I guessed though that I’ve never crossed the line like this and if I could I would move the earth to go back in time to give my younger self a good beating. Or, at the very least stop myself from putting that damn note in the box.

I would have left her alone today, but I was about to leave for Philly and I’d be gone for five days tops. I say tops because I actually don’t want to leave. I can’t believe I’m even thinking like this. Me. I’m normally obsessed with draft season and everything to do with football. I was counting down the days to go. Gibbs was so excited he was on cloud nine hundred.

And me. I was here not wanting to leave with Zoe and I not talking. Not being friends, or whatever it was we were.

Friends seems like such a loose term to describe us, because she’s more than that to me. It’s odd that I never pinpointed this before but the last few days highlighted to me that mere friends don’t act the way we do.

They don’t live together for years and follow each other wherever the other goes. They don’t bend over backwards to put each other first, and it’s a little easier to imagine how life would be if things were to ever change.

The worst part about this not being around her means I didn’t know what she was thinking.

I was standing outside her door. I have been for a good ten minutes, maybe more. The door was slightly ajar and I could hear her shuffling around inside the room getting ready. It’s Sunday, and I didn’t know where she was going.

Zoe came back really late last night and that only pissed me off more than I was. I was up waiting in my room wondering who she was with. There were several times when I wanted to call her, but held back because I’d never called before to check up on her.

It was how we worked. An unwritten, unspoken code between us where if we didn’t make it home by midnight it meant not to wait up. She came in just after one. I was relieved, but I was still paranoid and wanted to know who she was with.

And here I was now.

Pulling in a deep breath I made myself move. I never usually knocked when her door was open, but as it was only slightly open I took a moment to think about what to do. If I opened the door and she was naked or something she’d go mad at me, and worse think I was creepy. If I knocked she may not open the door.

I shook my head. I didn’t have time for this. I had to leave in ten minutes max to catch my flight and I needed to put my mind in football mode. I have to be me on this trip. My team needed Tristan Bouchard and I owed it to them.

I pushed the door open, making it sway in. I took one step to go in but froze when I saw her.

She was sitting on the pink padded stool in front of her dressing table. The bulk of her velvet smooth chocolate colored hair nestled in the center of her back. One of those bodice, corset things hugs her slender frame. It’s a soft pink. A shade lighter than the stool with white lace running down the ribbed bones of the bodice. A beige skirt spills down the rest of her legs. Immediately, my mind conjured up one of those old renaissance paintings she likes that depicted the usual pale skinned women, but hers was golden. Sun kissed and beautiful, shimmering in the morning sun. Making her look like the angel she is

She was curling her hair with one of those curling wands. Coming in made her stop when she saw me. There were a few loose curls on the left side of her head, it looked more defined than the rest of her hair.

I like both looks, both were sexy.

She looked sexy, sexy as hell and I was stunned to the core when I felt not only my cock going hard but that desire I had for her filling every cell in my body.

She twisted around when I didn’t move, and stared back at me too. She looked right into my eyes and held me there.

I wanted to say something but I couldn’t speak. That would-be image of her, naked in complete perfection snuck to my mind and I still felt annoyed that I couldn’t even imagine what the rest of her looked like past her head.

Today though, I saw just a little more of the swells of her breasts in that bodice to fill out that part in my mind. I’ve seen her in her underwear loads of times but I’ve never looked. Not like this.

“Hi,” she spoke, breaking the enchantment she had on me.

“Hi.” I found my voice, and I found the ability to move again. So I went closer, unable to resist admiring the closer I got. I broke eye contact, looked away quickly towards the window, then back to her as I stopped paces away. “I’m leaving for Philly.” I announced, trying to keep all that I felt from reflecting in my voice.

“I was going to come and say goodbye,” she replied.

That was nice to hear and I almost said just as much, but held my tongue because I didn’t want it to come out the wrong way. Like I was being sarcastic or something. Our last few conversations turned into arguments and I didn’t want to argue now.

This right here is good. There’s tension, but at least we’re not arguing, and she wasn’t giving me that look of uncertainty.

She was definitely giving me a look though, and which looks like…curiosity.

Zoe’s cheeks color, like when I embarrass her. Like when I talk about sex. She isn’t prudish, but had never been the kind to talk about sex openly. She still had that innocence about her that I actually like. It was completely unlike my type, who know exactly what to do in the bedroom. The way she is isn’t a bad thing. It just means she likes privacy, and would reveal that side of her to the person she chose to be with. Someone she trusted enough to be in a relationship with, so intimacy is just between them.

Someone…like that idiot Brian.

The tension grew in the space between us, and my ten minutes was ticking along, but I was curious now too. More so as I watched the color in her cheeks deepen and become rosier against the golden tone of her skin.

Sex.

She was thinking about sex.

I knew she was now and I almost, almost took hold of her. And if I had I would take her in that bed of hers that was just to our left. Freshly made which only makes me want to mess it up.

I managed to push the thought out of my mind but I only made things worse for myself when I looked down at those fully rounded breasts and watched her chest rise and fall as her breathing quickened. My eyes stayed there, lingering at the deep cleavage and I wanted to touch her.

God, I wanted to touch her.

I wanted to touch her and take her, and taste her. I wanted her like that, and I knew she would kill me if she knew what I was thinking.

She was forbidden.

I shouldn’t be having these sorts of thoughts about my best friend. This is Zoe. My sweet Zoe, who I need. I can’t go to that place where I want to unleash my carnal, raw desire.

Fuck. She was looking at me now with her eyes wide, probably because I was looking at her breasts right there in front of her, like some creep.

“I’m going now.” I said on the edge of a breath, and moved. I moved away. I didn’t know how the hell I managed to move away from a woman I wanted more than I wanted to go to Philly for the drafts. But I moved.

“You always kiss me before you leave.” She stated, her voice breaking through the wild sexual charge that was rippling through the air.

I stopped just before I got to the door.

Kiss?

I couldn’t go near her. The kiss she was referring to is the kind you’d give your grandmother. Or a family member. A peck on the cheek, or on the forehead. Sure, I would always do that before I left for events like this where I’d be gone for days. But, I didn’t want to kiss her like that. I wanted her lips. I wanted those full, delicious lips on mine. I wanted my tongue in her mouth so I can taste her.

I wanted her.

I looked back at her and I could see in her eyes that she seemed to be fighting just as much as me to hold on to what we used to have.

I didn’t know if I should be sad that the note changed us, opening our eyes to each other. I didn’t know if I should be sad that we’re not the people we were eight days ago, because then she was talking to me. This weirdness didn’t exist between us and she was mine.

My girl.

I was looking at her now, trying to find the courage to be the Tristan she knew.

I turned, and I moved back to her, but each step felt like I have weights attached to my feet that get heavier as I walk.

I got to her, and lowered to her forehead. She lifted her head for me to kiss her there and she closed her eyes.

I paused mid-movement and look at her. I was only inches away from her face. The scent of her sweetness filled me, as does her beauty. I didn’t think I’d ever been so taken with a woman as I have been with her. It was new to me and created a sense of excitement I had to restrain.

My hesitation made her open her eyes. The wondrous green color reminds me of the sea in the Mediterranean.

Italy.

We went to Tuscany once, years ago because she wanted to explore. Looking at her reminds me of that deep rich green hue of the sea.

Our eyes locked, and we’re staring at each other. We’re held in the grasp of the weirdness, confusion, and…desire.

Desire, that’s what that is.

I could feel it surging through me. It has its own life force.

It told me to taste her. It whispers to me, whispers of its desire to my desperation for her. I couldn’t fight it. It’s too strong. It’s mind controlling, and makes me feel the need I have for her a hundred fold.

It moved me…to her lips.

I felt my mouth touch hers, and God her lips are softer than I imagined. She pressed them against mine and the motion made my blood sing through my veins. I claimed her mouth and really start kissing her, and she kissed me too.

But then fuck, my cock stirred again pressing against my boxers and I pulled back. The fear of letting her see my obvious arousal made me pull back.

My lips burn from the kiss. I couldn’t believe I just kissed her and that it affected me this much.

I didn’t look at her as I moved away and left.

I couldn’t because I just kissed her, and now I’ve really crossed the line.

The note was a note. I could have talked it down, but just now was…

It was evidence.

Now she knows how I feel.

* * *

* * *

He kissed me.

Oh God.

Tristan just kissed me, and I kissed him. I kissed him like I wanted him. I kissed him like I wanted him to take me, and I did want that.

I hated when Rachel was right. I hated when my worst fears came to light. I knew, a hundred percent that he could tell what I was thinking. He could see me blushing and knew that I was thinking about having sex with him.

How embarrassing.

Then he just left me. He left without looking back, leaving me in this state of flux.

I was getting ready to meet Rachel. We were only going to the coffee house as they were hosting a renaissance themed day and I wanted to look the part. I picked out this outfit to have a modern day meets Pre-Victorian feel. Little did I know that it would make Tristan openly stare at my breast with a kind of desire I’d never seen in him.

Then he kissed me.

I sighed, feeling my lips burning and my heart still racing. I didn’t want him to stop. I didn’t want him to leave. The desire and need for him almost pushed me towards my phone to call him to come back to me. But I don’t…

I can’t. Not because I don’t want to, but because I know he’ll come back to me if I ask, and he needs to go because he’s going to work.

The drafts. His team relies on him. This week they need him more than me.

It’s just a pain that I have to wait for nearly a week to see him again.

How am I supposed to do that?

I met Rachel at the coffee house an hour later. The minute I asked if we can sit out on the terrace as opposed to being inside where they’re about to start a skit from A Mid-Summer Night’s Dream, my favorite Shakespeare play, she knew something is up.

“My blood is boiling please don’t do your usual fluffy talk before you get to the juice. Just get to it.” She hissed as we sit around one of the benches.

I held my breath because I wanted to blurt out everything. I wanted to call her on my way over here but I couldn’t talk and now that we’re here I want to tell her everything. However, I’m noting that when I speak the words it will be real. It will all be real.

“I kissed Tristan.”

“What? Oh my gosh you actually took my advice. Just a kiss?” Rachel’s bright brown eyes are practically beaming. She rubbed her hands together as if she’d hit the jackpot of some prize.

“Just a kiss?” I asked in a withered tone. That was no mere kiss. It was brief but it wasn’t just a kiss. My lips were still burning.

“Was it that good? Dios mios. Zoe why didn’t you sleep with him?”

“He’s on his way to Philly. He came to say goodbye to me and we kissed.”

Now that I’m talking about it, it does seem real.

“Zoe, you let him leave? Doesn’t the draft start tomorrow?” She looked at me like I should have done more to get him to stay.

“He always goes the day before, it’s a thing he does. All the guys who work with him go. I think they do last minute meetings, plus it makes sense to be there the day before.”

“Not this year, you’re telling me you allowed him to go to some stupid pre-meet when you could have had the man today?”

“Rachel please.” I winced, exhaling a frustrated breath. “Allow me to get my head around this.”

I needed to because I didn’t think I’d ever wanted anything so badly, and I knew I’ve never felt this way before about anyone. I’ve never been consumed with sexual thoughts and I’ve never felt this obsessive need that made my brain turn to mush when I’m around him.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I get it. What do you need?” She’s back to being the intuitive friend again, which is what I need her to be.

“I don’t know.” I’m reflecting over the last month. It’s been stressful. First Brian. I was just starting to deal with that whole mess. I didn’t anticipate dealing with this now with Tristan. And, it was just the way it was all timed. Badly. “I just got over Brian.”

“Sweetie, Tristan is not like Brian.”

“I know and that’s a whole other problem by itself.” I don’t even want to think about that. Tristan with his man-whorish ways.

Jesus, what the hell was happening to me?

“Open mind,” Rachel nodded.

Open mind.

“I –” she cut me off.

“Open mind. Forget about Brian. Zoe, you’ve always been so careful at picking specific guys that are safe options, but if you ask me that plan went to hell. It was a terrible plan anyway because I don’t think you actually loved any of them.”

“Joey. I loved him.” At least I think I did. I actually don’t know now, because now I’m starting to doubt that my feelings I considered to be love were love. He never left me feeling like this from one kiss.

“Joey?” Rachel gave me a look of disdain, like she couldn’t believe I would mention him.

“Yes, I thought I loved him. Rachel he was my longest relationship.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. You guys met in college, you were young and impressionable. You stayed with him that long because he was the first man you’d ever been with.” Rachel explained me like she’s reading a book or some sort of manual that helps describe how I work.

“You don’t think I loved him?” Since she seems to be the keeper of this Zoe manual I’m real interested to hear what she thought.

“Zoe if you think you loved him then I can’t tell you that you didn’t. What I can tell you is that when you practically, selectively hand pick someone based on a list of what you think is good, it doesn’t always work that way. I think for any relationship to have any meaning it should have that spark of attraction. That thing that makes it so you can’t get enough of each other, and you’re always excited to see your guy.”

I pressed my lips together and lowered my gaze to the hardwood of the table, getting lost in the swirly patterns made from the natural oakwood.

My mind instantly went back to the other week when I was thinking about my father. That night when I was burning the stuff I had from Brian.

Everything she said just now, that’s it. Those were the same conclusions I came to. Only, she picked up on something I didn’t quite acknowledge. That spark of attraction that gives a relationship meaning. I’ve never felt what she’s talking about, and while I know that’s exactly what a relationship should feel like I think I would be scared to feel that way about anybody.

I was stunned at the realization that I didn’t think I loved Joey. I’m stunned that the only example I have so far of the attraction Rachel is referring to happened to me this morning, with Tristan.

“Did I hit a nerve?” Rachel asked giving me a soft smile when I returned my gaze to her.

“Yes,” I confess.

“Zoe, trust me sweetie, you have to stop this restraint you place on yourself.”

Restraint. Yes, I saw that now with such perfect clarity. I definitely did put a restraint on myself. “How about listening to your body, how about listening to what you feel? Have you ever done that?”

I really look at her and I’m thinking of the answer. It was always the same.

I didn’t want to bring up thoughts of my father again but if I’m being honest with myself I have to think of him as part of my problem. I brought to the forefront of my mind my analysis of the safe options I chose.

I didn’t want to end up like my mother. Being with a playboy who couldn’t be true to her. I thought of the strong woman she was more often than not, but I can’t help but think of the times when I’d seen her at her worst. It took my mother years to get over my father.

I promised myself I would never fall for anyone like that. Anyone who could break me down the way my father did to my mother.

“It’s okay, I know the answer to that. It’s him isn’t it?” She now gave me a soft look of sympathy. “Your father?”

I nodded. “I’ve never listened to my body because I’m scared to have serious heartbreak. I’m scared of being with someone who could hurt me the way my father did when he left.” I always thought of how my mother felt when I think of him, but never myself.

When I was little I used to think my dad was some kind of superhero. Everything was better when he was around. My mom was at ease, and calm. She was happy until he’d go away for days. I always thought he was away with work, and when I found out what he was really up to, and the playboy that he was it crushed me. I was about eight when my eyes were open. I saw him holding another woman’s hand, and I would never forget the way he was around her. He didn’t think I knew what was going on, but I did, and by the time he left it was no surprise to me. I think though that I thought he’d just move away.

I never expected to be completely abandoned.

Rachel reaches across the table and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. I looked up to her and tried to smile but it faltered.

“You can’t live like that, like this. Not taking risks and trying to control everything.”

“I know.” I admit. “But Tristan…”

A saucy smile lifts the corners of her mouth. “Take the risk Zoe, and damn it take the man.”

“Rachel, you are so crazy.”

“No, I’m not. I’m giving you permission to listen to your body, give in to temptation for once in your life. He wants you to.”

I thought about it, or rather I try not to think about all the reasons why I shouldn’t go down this road. The way I felt this morning comes to my mind as I pushed aside my worries.

Risk, that’s what calls to me.

Risk fueled by desire. I’m scared, but I can’t deny that what she was saying sounds real good. That kiss was really good, I felt it all over my body.

I don’t have to try hard to conjure up an image of Tristan with his perfect, perfect body. Every muscle defined within an inch of its life.

I saw his perfectly chiseled torso, made the way you’d expect on an athlete. I knew he didn’t play anymore, but he said he’ll be damned if he’ll allow any of the players he’s managing to look better than him. And, that he’d rather be dead than let himself go. The results of his mantra equals what I can only compare to what I imagine the Greek Gods to look like, and I think as much when I remember times I’d seen statues of them. Except Tristan comes with tattoos, something I secretly drool over on a guy. And he has one just for me.

I’m tired of the restraint I place on myself.

Rachel’s smile brightens when she saw that I’m coming to the decision.

Take the risk and take the man?

Yes, I want to.

Yes, I want to do it. I want to listen to my body. I should listen to my body.

I don’t want maybe’s or any worries interrupting my needs.

For once in my life I will listen to my body. I will listen to how I feel.

Forget Brian and all the others. Forget everything.

My body wants Tristan.