IT TOOK ME a little while to gear up for round two, but it was worth the wait. Now, as we give our bodies a few minute’s reprieve, I lay with my hands folded beneath my head, Jill’s body draped around my side. It should surprise me how much I don’t mind her post coital affection, but it doesn’t. I want her there—I want to feel the rise and fall of her chest as she rests. I want to feel her warmth. I want proof that she’s alive and well, that she’s safe right here at my side. It’s an assurance I’m not awarded when she’s home. It’s a comfort that’ll be taken from me as soon as tomorrow dawns.
Reality pisses me off, so I shove it aside and look down at Jill as she traces her fingers delicately along the contours of my chest. It feels good—better than it should—but I don’t dwell on that, either. I let her have her way, sure that I will have mine again soon.
“They looked happy today, huh?” she murmurs, taking me away from my thoughts.
I shrug, thinking back over the day. It was a special occasion, of course, but the way he was with her today—it was nothing new. Corie is Ashley’s woman. Period. Sensed it in him when we reconnected after his sabbatical. The difference between when he left and when he came back to work was like night and day. The sun hasn’t even begun to set on those two.
“Usually do,” I mutter in reply.
“That’s true.” She sighs before she goes on to say, “She’s never had a home. Not really. Not in the way that we should all get to experience home. Ashley is that for her. She deserves this. Today was perfect.”
Silence settles between us again as I think about what she said—her idea that we should all experience home in whatever grand manner of speaking she’s got in her head. She’s right about Corie and Ashley. Only an idiot could look at the two of them and think otherwise. But not all of us are capable of that. Not all of us are good. Or happy. Or deserving.
“Can I tell you something?” she asks, her voice hardly above a whisper.
I grunt my response, and she snuggles against me closer.
“I missed my mom so much today.”
A frown tugs at my brow as I try and recall if I know a damn thing about her mother. I don’t make it my business to go snooping into other people’s personal lives. Some things just aren’t for other people, and I get that. I live by that belief. I take what people give, nothing more—and I expect the same in return.
I watch as Jill shifts, folding her arms across my chest and hooking one leg over mine as she stares up at me. Her pretty blue eyes dance around my face, studying me before she whispers, “Ask.”
“Ask what?”
“About my mom, Lee. It’s okay. I want you to.”
I stare down at her for a moment before I finally inquire, “What happened to her?”
“She was diagnosed with skin cancer when I was sixteen. I don’t think any of us were as scared as we should have been. We were sure that she’d beat it. Then it spread, and the fear hit. She was gone exactly a year after her diagnosis.” She pulls in a deep breath and lets out a heavy sigh, looking down her cheeks as she says, “Most days, we do all right without her. We know that’s what she wanted—for us to be happy, no matter what. But she should have been here today. For Corie. I wish she could have been here today…”
She sniffs, resting her cheek on top of her hand, and instinct has me lifting my head to free one of my hands. Burying my fingers in her hair, I cradle her to me, wishing I could protect her from her pain. I know that I can’t. In truth, I can’t even protect myself from my own pain. Right now, that’s neither here nor there. I don’t give two fucks about me. Just her. She unfolds her own arms, wrapping them around me, and I free my other hand, wrapping it around her opposite hip and tugging her on top of me. She settles in, and I feel her sigh, my proof that I’m doing something right. We lay like this for a while, neither of us speaking a word.
“Leo?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s your mom like?”
Her question takes me by surprise, and my whole body locks up in response. I know she feels it when she lifts her head, seeking out my eyes. Before she can speak another word, I tell her, “We’re not talking about her.”
A worried expression tugs at her brow as she asks, “Well—what about your dad? Or your siblings? Or anything about your family?”
“No.” I clip.
“Lee—”
I flip her onto her back, pinning her to the mattress as I lock my gaze with hers and grumble, “We’re not fucking talking about them. Any of them.”
Her lips part in startled awe, her cheeks growing rosy with a blush, and I know I need to get control of myself. Rolling away from her, I throw my legs over the side of the bed, holding onto the edge of the mattress as I try and calm down.
“Lee?” she murmurs, tentatively resting a hand on my shoulder. She shrinks away from me when I twist my neck to look back at her, but that doesn’t stop her from speaking. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just—I hardly know anything about you. I wanted…”
“What?” I grunt when her voice trails off. “You wanted what Jill?”
She hesitates for a moment, and then I watch as she makes up her mind about something. Scooting closer to me, she slides her arms around my waist, pressing her naked chest to my back as she whispers, “I want this, Lee. Whatever this is with you—I want it. I want you. I want to make this work.” Holding me tighter, she touches her lips to my shoulder and mumbles, “You can trust me. You can tell me anything, Leo. I want you to.”
I cough out a grunt, her gentle touch and genuine words only serving to stir up the unrest that I carry with me every damn minute of every fucking day. She knocked on a door I keep locked for a reason—and I’m not letting her in. She doesn’t belong. At least, that’s what I tell myself. It is the status quo, and not for nothing.
“Lee?” she whispers.
I shake my head, realizing what a jackass I’ve been. What’s happening right now, it’s entirely my fault. I started this. All of this. I encouraged it, even. Repeatedly. I let her get this close. I let her think that we could be—more. I let myself think that we could be—
Fuck.
“What are we doing?” I say on a sigh, propping my elbows on my knees before resting my head in my hands. “This is all bullshit, Jill.”
Her grip around me loosens, but I don’t look back at her. Rather, I go on to say, “This is never going to work.”
“You don’t know that,” she says softly. “We haven’t even tried.”
“What’s the point?” I ask, dropping my hands away from my face as I lift my shoulders in another shrug. “This—right here—everything about tonight is just proof that we’re fucking fooling ourselves.”
“Lee—”
“No,” I insist, pushing away from the bed and standing to my feet. “Let’s not pretend.” I turn to face her, and one fucking look into those big, blue eyes, and I know she’s so deep in this damn fantasy we’ve managed to create, there’s only one way to break her out of it. “This, you and me, we’re a good fuck. Hell, we’re an epic fuck—but that’s all.”
“Leo, stop it. That’s not true,” she argues, rising to her knees.
“You just said it two minutes ago. You hardly know anything about me. You don’t want me; you want my dick.”
“Stop! Stop putting words into my mouth—you know that’s not true.”
“Well, it sure as fuck should be.”
Blowing out an exasperated sigh, she asks, “What does that even mean?”
Leaning toward her, I get in her face as I mutter, “It means, I’m no good for you. Knew it from the start, baby, and didn’t give a shit. I wanted you, so I had you. Now? This? This is the end. Tomorrow, you’ll go home. Next month, I leave for Ashley’s tour. Face it, Jill. By then, what’ll we have? Text messages and emails for five fucking months?” I bark out a humorless laugh, righting myself as I fold my arms across my chest. “Five months without my dick and you’ll come to your senses. Hell—five months without your cunt and I’ll come to mine.”
Her shoulders sag, and her crestfallen face makes me wish that I could take it back—every word that I just said. But I can’t. Not only that, I won’t.
“You…you can’t honestly believe that,” she insists, her voice strained, and her eyes welling up with tears. “We’ve spent the last month apart, Leo. For seven weeks we were apart. We had one weekend together. Four days was all we were ever supposed to get. And then I left, and we made it more. We—”
“We played nice.”
She scoffs, a tear spilling down her cheek as she crosses her arms over her tits, hiding herself from me. “We played nice?” Shaking her head, she whimpers, “That’s not what it was. That’s not what it was for me. I don’t believe that’s what it was for you, either.”
Smirking at her, I use her words against her as I repeat, “You hardly know me, remember?”
“Lee—stop it,” she cries. “Just talk to me. Please.”
That’s it. Right there. That’s the reason I ignore her, rounding the end of the bed to step into my underwear. She doesn’t just want me to talk, she wants me to let her in. It seems obvious now, obvious that we would get here, but I feel blindsided. I allowed myself to enjoy the good parts, the easy parts, and now I’m here—paying for it.
Isn’t that how it always goes, Vollucci? Someone pays the price for everything. When will you learn?
“Lee, don’t. Stop,” she pleads, crawling toward me.
I slide my jeans on, sure that while I’m being a dick now, it’s better this way. I’d only hurt her more later.
“Leo!” She scrambles out of bed as I shrug on my button-up, draping my tank over my shoulder before reaching down to grab my shoes. Blocking my path, she presses herself against me, grabbing hold of the open sides of my shirt. “Don’t go. Don’t leave. Not like this. I don’t—I don’t understand. Would you please just—”
“I will never belong to you,” I interrupt, staring down at her blankly. “You would belong to me, baby, in every fucking way—but I. Belong. To. No one.” Shifting my focus over her head, I demand, “Let me walk away, Jill.”
“Lee…” she whispers.
I clench my jaw in frustration, my anger boiling into rage the longer I stand in her presence. Nobody has ever fought for me the way she’s fighting for me right now. I should stay. The last thing I want is to leave her like this; but the fucked up truth is—it’s better this way. Knowing that I’m right makes me want to put my fist through a wall, which means I need to get the hell away from her. Now.
I step around her naked body, ignoring her tears as I continue toward the door. Placing a hand on the knob, I hesitate for a moment. When she whispers my name, I know that if I don’t go now, I’ll never go—so I do the only thing I can do.
I walk away.