WHEN I TRIP over my feet walking down the hall, he mutters a curse under his breath before bending down and scooping me up into his arms. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, cognizant of the fact that being cradled against his chest should feel different than it does right now. Instead of excitement, I’m distracted by my concern. He’s trembling. I didn’t notice before, when it was just my hand that he was holding, but I can feel it now—his body shaking as he grapples with whatever it is that’s going through his head.
The arm around my back lets me go as he reaches into his back pocket and retrieves the key to the room. I hold him tighter as he opens the door, and he carries me to the bed before tossing me onto the mattress. It almost knocks the wind out of me, but I ignore it, propping myself up on my elbows as I look over at him.
His gaze pierces me straight through, and my eyes widen in surprise when he rips his shirt open—buttons flying everywhere. He then tugs it off of his body with such force, I’m surprised he doesn’t tear the thing to shreds.
“What are you waiting for?” he grumbles, lifting his chin at me.
My cheeks heat in a blush as he starts to unfasten his jeans, and I suddenly understand how this is going to go. No kisses, no foreplay—just straight-up angry fucking. I nod at him, wishing to do whatever it is he needs right now, and scramble out of bed. I drop my purse on the floor, then my coat. The instant I’ve pulled my sweater-dress over my head, his hands are on me. I suck in a sharp breath as he spins me around and quickly unhooks my bra. I let it fall to my feet with my dress, looking back over my shoulder at him just as he shreds my panties with a grunt.
“Lee—”
I lose my words when he takes hold of the back of my neck, forcing me down until I’m propped up with my hands on the bed. He kicks my feet wider apart and then runs his fingers through my slit. I finally start to relax when he rubs circles around my clit, and it only takes a moment for my body to do his bidding—my core growing slick with my arousal. He growls when he shoves two fingers inside of me, assuring himself that I’m ready for him, and I moan my delight.
Pulling out of me, he commands, “On the bed. Chest down. Ass up.”
I do as he says, not even bothering to remove my boots as I position myself on the edge of the bed, precisely as he’s instructed. When the room fills with the loud crack of his hand clapping against my backside, I cry out, wincing a little as I ball the comforter beneath me into my fists. He’s never hit me that hard before. It scares me a little, but I don’t say anything, sure that he’d never hurt me.
Still on his feet behind me, he takes hold of my hips and impales me with his hard cock. Right from the start, he fucks me roughly, yanking me back as he thrusts forward. I’m soon lost in the sweet mixture of pain and pleasure that he always gives me. When he smacks my opposite ass cheek, it’s not as hard as before, and the zing that rushes up my spine makes me groan. I throw my head back and gasp for breath, my orgasm already blossoming deep within me.
I’m startled out of my euphoria when he grips hold of the back of my neck and shoves my head back down, holding me there as he continues to drive in and out of me. He’s never held me captive like this, and I don’t know what to make of it. I try not to think too much about it, but when his fingers begin to tighten their hold around me, I start to feel uncomfortable. I hate that I can’t see his face. For the first time ever, I wish he didn’t have me in such a vulnerable state.
“Lee?” I breathe.
My heart starts to beat faster—only, it’s not excitement that rushes through my veins, but a rising sence of panic.
“Lee?” I whimper, trying to lift my head.
His grip tightens, and I don’t budge. Suddenly, I find it hard to breathe. At first, I can’t tell if it’s my fear that constricts my lungs, or if he’s starting to cut off my air supply. It only takes me a second to realize that I don’t care which it is, I just want him to stop.
“Lee!” I cry, sucking in a shallow inhale as I try using my arms to help me push against him.
I’m not strong enough, and—again—I don’t move an inch.
As his thrusts become erratic and wild, his hand tightens even more, and my eyes flood with tears. He’s hurting me, and I’m afraid that if he doesn’t stop soon, I’ll black out.
I choke on what little breath I can manage, and he comes at the same time that I let out a piercing cry, screaming, “Leo!”
I have no idea whether he lets go of me because he’s finished, or because he finally heard me, but I don’t have a mind to think about it. As soon as I’m free, I instinctively scramble out of reach, sobbing as I gasp for air, my hands lifting to cover the sore sides of my neck. I don’t look at him right away, sure that we both need a minute to calm down. When I do finally glance his way, the expression he wears breaks my heart.
The anger that marred his features before is completely gone. Now—his jaw locked tight, the muscle in his cheek twitching—his blue-green eyes stare at me with so much remorse, I feel it in my soul. He hadn’t meant to hurt me. I know this without him having to say a word. I know this because I trust that he cares for me. I know this because whatever happened in the lobby, he didn’t allow me to see it unfold and then run away from me. He needed me, and he took what he needed.
Was it okay? No. Do I ever want to experience it again? Definitely not. Nevertheless, he warned me about the anger that lives inside of him. Of course, I had no idea it could be so scary; and maybe I’m stupid for thinking this, but now that I do know, it’s not him I’m afraid of. It’s the demons inside of him. That said, after all that’s happened since we returned to the hotel, I believe we can deal with it—if he’ll let me in, if he’ll let me in fully—we can deal with it together.
Carefully pushing myself up in a seated position, I keep my distance, but try my best to silently convey that I’m still here; that I’m not going anywhere. I won’t lie and pretend that I’m not still shaken. My body is still trembling and my heart is still racing—but he belongs to me. I can’t abandon him. Not now. Especially not now. He looks so broken.
I don’t know how long he stares at me, but whatever it is he sees in my eyes, it makes his brow furrow in a deep scowl. Before I realize what’s happening, I watch as he closes his jeans and swipes his shirt up from off of the floor.
“Lee?” I whisper, unable to manage much more as tears clog my throat.
He roars, throwing a punch into the wall, and my eyes widen in shock at the hole he leaves behind before he storms out of the room.
I SLIP BACK through the door quietly, hoping against all hope that she’s asleep. I’ve been gone for hours, and she should be passed out by now. All the lights are still on, but when I reach the foot of the bed, I see that her eyes are closed. I’m only temporarily relieved. I see that she’s sleeping in one of my t-shirts, and it’s like a punch straight to the gut.
I hurt her. After confronting my mother in the hotel lobby, I was so blinded by rage, I could barely think. I should have dropped Jill in the room and gone for a run, or headed down to the gym—fucking something other than what I did. Seeing the look on her face when she crawled away from me—the fear that shone in her eyes—I’ve never felt like less of a man than I did in that moment.
I make my way closer to her, knowing I shouldn’t, but unable to stop myself. Sitting on the edge of the mattress, I watch as she sleeps. Then, needing to know—needing to see—I reach my hand out and gently sweep her hair off of her neck and behind her shoulder. The sight of the bruises I left on her skin makes me sick; and while I know I don’t deserve the luxury of looking away, that’s exactly what I do.
Propping my elbows on my knees, I bury my face in my hands. I fucked up. Should have known that I would. Should never have let myself get to this point. I knew from the beginning that I’d hurt her. I knew that I was too fucked up. I knew these hands weren’t capable of handling the precious treasure that she is.
Fuck!
I flinch, my head snapping up as I feel her delicate touch on my arm. Twisting my neck to look at her, I move down the bed a little, until I’m out of reach.
“Don’t,” I mutter, shaking my head.
“Lee,” she whispers, her voice husky from sleep.
I watch as she pushes herself upright, rubbing at her eyes before she scoots down toward me. My muscles tense up as she slides her hand onto my forearm, tracing her fingers up the inside of my wrist before fitting her palm against mine. As she laces our fingers together, her eyes staring directly into mine, everything within me wants to turn away. Her compassion, her grace—her evident forgiveness—it’s unjustified. It’s appalling. It’s too fucking much. And yet, I can’t look away.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” I mutter, sure that there are no adequate words to express the depths of my regret.
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,” she says softly, rubbing her thumb against mine.
My anger simmering just beneath the surface, I will myself not to lash out. Speaking through clenched teeth, I mumble, “There’s no fucking excuse, Jill.”
“I’m not making excuses for you, Leo. I just mean…” Her words trail off and she leans into me closer, gripping my fingers tighter as she asks, “Where have you been?”
“Out,” I grunt, shifting my gaze to the wall across from me.
“It’s past two in the morning, Lee.” When I don’t respond, she touches her forehead to my shoulder and frees a sigh. “I have so many questions. I know that we need to talk—but right now, I really just want you to come to bed. Please?”
“You shouldn’t want me anywhere near you,” I mutter, stating what I believe should be obvious. Shrugging her off of me, I stand to my feet, reaching up to sink my fingers into my hair as I begin to pace.
“I’m not afraid of you,” she declares matter-of-factly. “I know you, Lee. You’re a good man. It was an—”
I halt my feet, dropping my arms as I narrow my eyes at her. My frustration getting the better of me, I bark, “You’re the best goddamn thing to ever happen to me, and what do I fucking do? I put my hands on you. I fucking hurt you, Jill—that is not the act of a good man!”
“It was an accident!” she cries, rising up onto her knees. Tears spill down her cheeks as she insists, “You were upset. You didn’t mean it—I know you didn’t mean it.”
“That shit is in me. Don’t you understand?” I yell, beating my fist against my chest.
“Lee,” she sobs, crawling toward me.
I tilt my head back, lifting my gaze up to the ceiling, unable to look at her as she stands before me, circling her arms around my waist.
“Stop. Please—just stop! You hurt me. It happened. It’s over. We can’t go back. But you’re hurting, too. You’re hurting so far deep down inside of you—I can feel it, Lee.” She hugs me closer, pressing her forehead against the bare skin of my chest between the open flaps of my shirt. “I don’t know what happened to you. I wish you would tell me. I wish you would just let your guard down. It’s me! And maybe you’re not ready to do it today—but I’m not going anywhere. Okay? So stop trying to push me away.”
I resist the urge to wrap her in my arms, knowing that I have no right to the comfort I feel when I hold her close. Even still, her tears break me. Looking down at her, I lift a hand and gently cup my palm around the back of her head, keeping her near me until her tears have subsided.
She sniffles, pulling away to dry her face, and then lifts her eyes to find mine. “Come to bed.” When I don’t respond, she reaches up and takes hold of my shirt collar, tugging the fabric off of my shoulders as she softly insists, “Please, Lee—come to bed.”
I nod once, afraid that if I don’t, she’ll undress me completely. When I start to take over, she climbs back into bed, slipping beneath the sheets as she waits for me. Once I’m stripped down to my boxer briefs, I shut the lights out, the reflection of the pale moon peeking through the closed drapes. The moment I settle myself beside her, she cuddles up next to me, resting her cheek against my chest. Folding my arms behind my head, I deny myself the opportunity to touch her.
I don’t close my eyes. I wait and I listen. As soon as she’s asleep, I ease my way out from underneath her and walk through the darkness to the far corner of the room. Sinking down into the armchair, I watch my woman as she sleeps. I don’t drift off for even a second, aware that my time with her is quickly coming to an end.
I made a vow. I promised myself that I would do whatever I had to do in order to keep her whole and happy. It is my duty, my responsibility to do what is best for her. I was an idiot to think that I could somehow live up to that standard. I can’t, and after what happened tonight, I will no longer pretend that I can. I know what needs to be done.