I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID that. Did him. Twice.
As soon as I hear his motorcycle engine, I hop out of bed and peek between my curtains to watch him drive away. As much as I hate, hate, hate to admit it, he looks really hot on that bike. But I hate even more how worried I am that he’s going to die on that thing. If I think about it, I’ll obsess over it, and the only thoughts allowed to enter my brain will be that he’s going to die.
Once he’s gone, I yank my sheets off my bed and run to the laundry closet downstairs and toss them in as another thought consumes me. “I’m such a slut.” The washer door slams shut, and I race back upstairs to my bathroom so I can take a shower and get to work on time.
Olivia goes to preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and my parents watch her on Mondays and Wednesdays when I work during the day at the makeup store in the mall. I love that Friday is my day off, so Olivia and I usually spend all day together doing fun things. But that also means I have to work weekends. Luckily, Jay and Liv or my parents watch her on those days. I don’t know what I’d do without my family.
Three to four nights a week, I’m at the coffee shop, and I have a babysitter who comes to the house and puts her to bed. She’s a retired woman who lives just down the block and hardly charges me anything.
Granted, I barely make anything at the coffee shop, but once all is said and done, it’s about three hundred dollars a month. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s enough to pay for Olivia’s preschool.
I take a super-fast shower, and while my hair is still air-drying, I wake up Olivia. I’m amazed at how hard she sleeps. I can count on my hand how many times she’s woken up before me, and those times were usually when she was sick.
“Hey, baby.” I brush some hair off her face and kiss her cheek. “Time to get up.”
Her eyes pop open, and she smiles, little white teeth on display. “Hi, Mommy.”
“Gotta get dressed and take you to Grandma and Grandpa’s house.”
“Okay.” She hops out of bed and drags herself to the bathroom. Part of our routine is her getting her clothes out the night before, and I smile when I see the pink cowboy boots, purple princess dress, zebra stripe tights, and her favorite Chicago PD hoodie.
“I’m going to finish getting ready, okay? We need to leave in five minutes.”
She doesn’t answer, or she does but I don’t hear her because I’m already in the kitchen packing myself a lunch and pulling some ground beef out of the freezer for dinner.
When we walk into my parents’ house, the smell of pancakes makes Olivia run faster to the kitchen. “Bye, baby. Be good.”
She stops and turns, then squeezes my leg. “Bye, Mommy.”
“Bye, Mom,” I holler down the hall.
“Wait.” She hurries down the hallway and hands me a shallow Tupperware container with a couple of pancakes in it. “You have to eat something.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll be back at five thirty.”
“Drive carefully.” She waves at me from the porch, and I cram a pancake in my mouth before I drive away.
The day goes by painfully slow, and when my shift is over, I hurry to grab Olivia. We get home, and I make some spaghetti and listen to my little girl tell me about all the things she did today. I give her a bath, and we’re sitting on the couch reading a story when the doorbell rings.
“Hi, Ms. Pam.” I smile at my sitter.
“How are you?” She holds the doorframe as she steps into the house.
“Good. How about you?”
“Oh, just fine.”
Olivia hops off the couch and runs over, hugging Ms. Pam and then me. “Bye, Mommy.”
“Good night, baby. Sleep good, okay? I’ll come give you a kiss when I get home.”
“Okay.”
As I’m walking out the door, I hear Olivia telling Ms. Pam about the book we were reading. I wish I could be here to finish it, but I’ve gotta pay the bills.
The coffee shop is only open until nine, so when I arrive at seven, the employees are happy to run out, most of whom are still in high school. I’m scheduled from seven to ten tonight, but I usually end up getting the drawer counted and the place cleaned up in a half an hour, so I’m out the door by nine thirty. I worked at the coffee shop full time but had to leave because of the pay. I got lucky the manager likes me, so she lets me pick up the crappy hours at the end of the day that nobody wants.
The doorbell beeps, and I don’t look up from the nightly sheet until I hear footsteps stop in front of the register. “What can I get youuuu?” You have got to be kidding me. Might as well dump a scalding hot pot of coffee all over me because I am burning up just looking at him.
“Dollface.” Ryan smiles.
“What are you doing here?”
He puts his knuckles on the counter and leans forward. “Came to get some coffee before I head out for the night.”
Of course. The warmth on my face slides down, and I swallow the burn. “Yeah. Okay. Well, what can I get you?”
“I’m going out for work, Opal.”
“’Kay.” One night. One night. One night. I have no right to be upset if he’s going out tonight.
“You think after I’ve had you anybody else could fuckin’ compare? Christ, I couldn’t function today because all I could think about was you.”
My lips are dry, and I lick them before I reply. “What can I get you?”
“You again,” he replies immediately.
“Ryan, last night was—”
“Best I ever had, baby.” He leans in even closer. “Best. Ever.”
The door chimes as two guys walk in, probably about my age, and Ryan steps aside while they order. I whip up their coffees and hand them the to-go cups, thankful for the distraction. Yeah, it was the best ever. I don’t have much to compare it to, but I still know I’ll never feel that way with anyone else.
“You’re right,” I tell him as he watches the guys walk out. “It was. But you’re leaving soon and—”
“I am. Just like I told you last night.” He did tell me that. Just say the word and I’ll walk away tonight instead of in a couple months.
I square my shoulders and hold his eyes, telling him the only thing I can think to push him away. “It was a mistake.” It’s lame and it’s a lie, but I can’t get any further in with him. Even though I really want him to stay, want him to come home with me. I want to fall asleep in his arms again and wake up with his mouth on me. But I can’t afford the distraction. I could easily fall in love with him, but I can’t go through losing him. It’s hard enough right now knowing he’s only temporary. I’m not strong enough to fall any further… there’s no way I’d be able to dig myself out of that hole.
If I wasn’t looking for it, I wouldn’t notice the tic in his jaw. “Riiiiight.” He draws out the word. “I don’t believe you for one second, but if that’s what you need to tell yourself, then so be it. You have my number now and the power. Use it, Opal, before I’m gone, and it’s too late.”
Then he walks out the door. Without any coffee.
“Mommy.” Olivia comes into the living room where I’m falling asleep folding laundry.
“What’s wrong?” She never, I repeat never wakes up after she’s fallen asleep.
“It’s loud in my room. I can’t sleep.”
Son of a bitch. This is the only time since we’ve lived on our own that I wish I was back at my parents’. Or that a man lived with me. Ryan spent the night two weeks ago, and we got a new neighbor last week. Every night, I hear him and his teenage son until about two in the morning. Our duplex is two floors, and usually, when they make noise, it’s just downstairs, so she can’t hear it up in her room. Olivia’s bedroom shares a wall with their side, and even though I can hear it from the living room, I’m surprised it’s loud enough to wake her up. “Why don’t you sleep in my bed?”
She drags her stuffed animal to the stairs, but I pick her up and cradle her in my arms. Tucking the sheets to her chin, I kiss her nose. “Night, night.”
Her eyes close before she can answer, and I close the door behind me. When I go to her room, I hear what woke her up before I’m all the way inside. Bass. Loud, shaking-her-wall bass.
I grab my cell and walk down my porch and then up theirs. I’m so disappointed that the neighbor I had before moved. I didn’t even know he was leaving until I came home last week and he was carrying his boxes to a moving truck.
He was a nice guy who was a mechanic, but he met a woman and was moving into her place. Now I’ve got a father and his disrespectful teenage son to deal with.
I knock on their door and then ring the bell. I hear some shuffling inside before the door opens. As soon as I get a glimpse of him, I take a step back. “Hi, I live next door.”
“Hey, little lady.” He leans on the doorjamb and crosses his arms over his greasy wife-beater.
“Yeah, um, I think it’s your son that has his music on. Can you ask him to turn it down? It’s eleven o’clock, and the noise woke my daughter up.”
“Tommy!” he screams into the house.
I jump at how loud he is. “Thank you.”
“Now, wait a minute.” He reaches out and grabs my arm. I yank it away and step onto the first step. “Let my boy here apologize to you for waking your daughter. How old is she anyway? Do you need a babysitter? I’d be happy to watch the little girl for you.”
Holy radar going off.
I don’t answer him, and luckily the son, who looks like a younger version of his father—stringy dark blond hair, amber eyes, and tall and skinny—comes to the door. “This here neighbor says your music woke up her daughter. Turn that shit down and apologize.” He smacks his son upside the head, and I gasp.
Tommy looks at me, glares, and then mumbles an apology.
“That shouldn’t happen again, ma’am.”
“Thank you.” I go to my door and close it, sliding the chain and putting the deadbolt at the same time.
A crash wakes me up after I’ve only been asleep for a couple of hours. Third time this week the new neighbors have woken me up. First, it was the bass, then engines revving, shouting, and now this. I’m so sick of this shit. I hop out of bed and open my door, then creep downstairs to look out of the window. Tommy is with a couple of other guys standing on the shared walkway. They’re smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. “What the hell?” I mumble to myself. These kids can’t be more than sixteen… maybe seventeen years old.
Just as I’m about to close the curtain, Tommy looks up, as if he senses me there. Then he lifts his beer bottle as if he’s saluting me right before he throws it onto my porch.
Fuck this.
I grab my phone and call 911. As soon as I tell them what’s going on, I hang up and call Jay because I know he’d be pissed if I didn’t, and even more pissed if he finds out from someone other than me. I throw on a hoodie and some slides I have sitting by my front door.
Waiting in my living room, I stay away from the windows until I hear the police outside. Then I creep over and look out. The dad comes outside, and now there are about a dozen people. A familiar figure jogs to my porch, and I open the door before Jay can knock.
“You okay?” He shuts the door and pulls me in for a hug.
“Yeah. Just scared me a little bit and then pissed me off a lot bit.”
“You did the right thing. Olivia still asleep?”
I nod. “She is now, but she’s been sleeping in my bed since I went over there the other day because the music woke her up.”
He squeezes the bridge of his nose. “Please tell me I heard you wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“You went over there alone in the middle of the night?”
“Yeah. They woke Olivia up, Jay. Apparently, her room is right next to his because the music was super loud. You know how bad it was for her to wake up.”
“I do. And it pisses me off that you went over there in the first place. Christ, do you have any idea what the hell could have happened? You should have called me.”
I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. “I can’t call you for everything, Jay.” I leaned on him so much, too much in the years after I had Olivia. I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t use him as a crutch, and I’m keeping that promise to myself. Besides, they now have a brand-new baby at home. My sister gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I’ve ever seen.
“You barely call me for anything anymore, Opal. I know you’re trying to be independent and do things on your own, but not when it comes to something like this. You’ve got piece-of-shit neighbors, which you should have told me about earlier, blasting their music in the middle of the night loud enough to wake Olivia… that’s exactly the sort of thing you need to call me for. Not go by yourself with your daughter alone in the fuckin’ house. I have a fuckin’ badge, Opal. Let me use it.”
He doesn’t get to lecture me any more because there’s a knock on the door, and then before I know it, three police officers are standing in my living room. I give one my statement, and the other two chat with Jay.
After I find out the son was arrested for underage drinking, along with all his friends who also had pot on them, I suddenly feel a twinge of guilt. Maybe they were just being kids, and now they’re going to jail because of me.
Jay eventually leaves, and by the time I get back in bed, it’s almost four in the morning. I get up early to clean the broken glass but find it already done. I send Jay a thank-you text and hop in the shower, then continue with my day as normal.
A couple days later I get home to find a hole in my front window and a nice sized rock on the floor in my living room. “Dammit!” I shout to myself.
Bending down to pick up the rock, I startle at the thought someone intentionally threw this through my window, and I look around in fear, as if whoever did it is here now. I don’t know why someone would do this, but I wouldn’t put it past the punk neighbor kid, assuming he’s out of jail. They had no problem smashing bottles, so I guess this is par for the course. If I call the cops, that’ll just piss them off more, so maybe if I ignore it, they’ll stop. I’m not afraid of the little jerks, but I am afraid my daughter will be exposed to something dangerous.
I wish my security system would have scared whoever it was away, but the window has to open to set it off.
I don’t have any more time to think about it or be pissed that it’s just another thing on my mile-long list of things to do because Olivia cries from the kitchen. I rush to help her, keeping my thoughts focused on my daughter. She was reaching up to get a dish and the stool wobbled. Poor thing has a knot on her forehead. This right here is exactly how it needs to be; all my attention on her. I don’t have time for anything or anybody else.
No matter how badly I wish things were different. Like if I had a man living with me, he’d be the one to take care of these asshole neighbors. He’d know what to do, and I wouldn’t be sitting here holding back tears, unsure of every damn thing. Yes, I want to be independent, but being with someone who had my back wouldn’t be a bad thing.
With a dramatic sigh, I clean the scrape on Olivia’s head and give her a kiss, and then look up how to fix a broken window. I have a kid to feed and my sister’s wedding is this weekend, so I’ll figure out how I’m going to pay for the window later.