MY LITTLE GIRL HOLDS MY hand and can barely contain her excitement. Olivia practically pulls me as we walk into the Family Fun Center.
“Slow down, sweetie.” I juggle the cake on my arm and the balloons wrapped around my wrist. “Can you help me with the door, please?”
She drops my hand, and I shift the cake over and flex my arm, letting some feeling back into it. “Wait for me, young lady,” I warn Olivia when she tries to take off once we’re inside. The girl never stops running. After I get us checked in, we’re led to a party room where I put the balloons and cake on the table.
This is her first party with friends, and the only reason she’s having it is because she begged me. Apparently, preschool is the age when these things start. I had family parties until I was like ten, and after that, we didn’t get to go to cool places like this. We had friends over to the house to play games and stuff.
Before long, the girls from her class show up, and I love watching her run around and have a great time. My fear of failure temporarily silents as she laughs her little head off.
She’s off with her bestie, and I try not to be too obvious when I look around to see if I can find Ryan. Olivia doesn’t remember she invited him, I’m sure. But I have to admit I am a little disappointed he didn’t show.
I’m relieved too, if I’m being honest with myself. He makes me nervous and fidgety. The first time I met him, he pinned me with a look hot enough to make my panties melt. I hadn’t had that kind of reaction to a man… ever. And when I saw how good he was with Olivia, it made those feelings even worse… or better, depending on how I look at it.
I haven’t tried or had the desire to date since I had Olivia. I’ve been too busy busting my ass to provide the best life for me and my daughter while also saving money to get out of my parents’ house. We’re finally on our own, and I have money in savings and a roof over my head that I gladly pay rent for each month. Jumping back into the dating pool with Ryan would be a tragic mistake.
Not that he’d want to date me.
“Great party.”
I look over and smile at Greg, the dad of one of Olivia’s friends. She and Amelia are in the same class and also took the same dance class together. “Thank you. Is Amelia having a good time?”
“She is.”
“That’s great. I’m sure they’ll sleep really well tonight.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, I bet Amelia will fall asleep in the car.”
A gaggle of girls runs past us, screeching and laughing. I can’t help the swell of pride that courses through me as I watch my little girl live a happy life. I have always been so worried that not having a father would mess her up. Jay and my dad have been instrumental, but a part of me always wonders if it’s enough. If I’m enough. If I could be doing more.
Whenever I see a happy family with both parents, I question everything about myself as a mother. And a young one, at that. I was just seventeen when I had Olivia, and being a twenty-one-year-old with a now four-year-old daughter is daunting enough, but doing it alone is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and will do in my entire life.
“So I might be kicking myself in the ass here, but if I don’t ask you this now, I know I’ll regret it. Even if you say no.” Greg’s voice interrupts my thoughts.
I turn to him with a smile on my face. “What’s that?”
“I’d like to take you out sometime. Just dinner. No pressure or anything,” he rushes to add.
Heat burns my cheeks as I stutter to answer. “Uh, I-I don’t know if I’m in the place for dating now, Greg. I honestly haven’t even thought about it with how busy I am with Olivia.”
“Sure, sure. I understand.” He shifts on his feet, and I hate that I made him feel awkward. He’s really a handsome man. His hair is short and dark, his eyes are brown, and he’s toned without being too muscular. “If it ever changes, let me know, okay? Or don’t. I haven’t thought about it much either since Amelia’s mother left.”
“I’m sorry, Greg.”
He waves me off. “Don’t apologize. This single parent thing is hard and—”
“It is.”
“Mommy, Ryan is here, and he brought me pink flowers!” Olivia screams at me from across the room. I lock eyes with him as he’s walking over to me… or more like being tugged over to me by Olivia. She’s carrying a large bouquet and has the biggest grin on her face.
He brought her flowers. Nobody has ever given her flowers before. He’s ridiculously sweet, and it makes me ridiculously happy to see that huge smile on Olivia’s face.
I can’t get over how at ease he is with Olivia or how quickly she took to him. Everything about him is easy, actually. The way he walks, the way he talks, how he takes in any situation with calm confidence. And right off the bat, he treated Olivia like she was precious. Which she is, but most men see a single mom and her daughter and stay as far away as they can.
And that’s been fine. I don’t have the time to date. I’m finally on my own, happy in my own home with my daughter and making it without any help from my parents or using Jay as a crutch. I can’t let anything distract me from that. Not even a six-foot US Marshall who treats my daughter like she’s his world.
“You made it,” I breathe as he stops in front of me.
“Yup.” He grunts, his eyes darting over to Greg. And it’s right now that I notice the look. It’s the same one Jay gives any man who looks at Liv. It’s a look I’ve always dreamed somebody would use on my behalf. One where it’s clear as day that someone loves me enough to have an entire conversation with just his eyes. A threat that he would do anything possible to keep me safe.
A very awkward couple of seconds pass before Greg clears his throat. “I’m going to find Amelia.” Then he drops his head and walks away. Not that I want a boyfriend, but if I had been considering Greg’s offer, this would change the way I looked at him anyway. He’s exactly the type of man I don’t need. Some coward who takes one look at some competition and darts away with his tail between his legs.
Ryan isn’t even intimidated by Jay, who, for all intents and purposes, is my protective big brother. That in and of itself is a miracle.
“Will you play with me?” Olivia, completely oblivious to the tension, tugs on Ryan’s hand.
He squats down. I love that he does that. There aren’t many people, let alone men, who get down on a child’s level to talk to them. “That’s why I’m here. Lead the way, birthday girl.”
She squeals and pulls him up, then runs—first to put the flowers into our party room and then back into the chaos—but he stops and turns around. His eyes find mine immediately, and he lifts his chin at me. “You coming?”
“Oh, uh. Yeah, I guess.” I walk through the crowd, dodging the rambunctious kids and hoping my nerves aren’t on display. “This game again?” I sigh when Olivia reaches the same game she’s been at almost the whole party. Only so much a mom can take, and after hearing the damn frogs croaking for what feels like forever, my patience for this particular activity is pretty much gone right now.
“It’s my favorite!” She tries a few times before her card registers, and then presses the button as the bugs pass by. The goal is to knock them off the conveyer belt with the frog’s tongue.
“She’s good at this,” Ryan observes.
“She should be; she’s only played it a thousand times since she’s been here.”
He leans down next to her and waits until she’s done. Then she encourages him to try, and when he gets the new high score, Olivia screams. A couple of people around us stop to see what’s going on. “Did you see him, Mommy?”
“I did.”
“Ryan is the best! Amelia! Ryan got the high score.” She runs between his legs to talk with her friend whose father is looking at me differently than before. He appears angry as he turns his back to me.
“Doesn’t take much to impress her, does it?”
I know I have to look at him to answer, but it’s so hard because he’s so damn hot it’s unnerving. “I don’t know. I tried that and didn’t do nearly as good as you did.”
“That’s not even my specialty.”
“You have a specialty arcade game?”
“Oh, yeah.” His voice lowers a few decibels, and he smirks.
And my jaw drops.
“Come on.” He grabs my hand like ours belong together and pulls me through the crowd. I link my fingers through his, pretending for a moment that we actually do belong together. It’s a dangerous game, but one I’m brave enough to play while we’re surrounded by a bunch of people.
After a quick stop at the ticket machine, where he loads up a card one handed, he continues until he reaches a shooting game. I love this one. It’s where the family is on a porch, and the objects move; the chair rocks, the milk bucket opens, the screen door slams. The one I think is rigged because every time I play it, I’m lucky to hit one target. He drops my hand to lift the gun, and as soon as the timer goes, he’s locked in.
I swear he hits the bull’s-eye before it’s even open all the way. And I also swear I’m getting turned on in the middle of the Family Fun Center watching him shoot fake targets with a fake gun surrounded by screaming kids. But who wouldn’t be? He’s wearing a tight black t-shirt and jeans that hug his ass. The black boots on his feet only add to the appeal. As he shoots, the muscles in his arms flex, and my heart picks up speed.
When the buzzer goes off, he glances at the score, and his brows draw together.
“That was really um…” I clear my throat. “Good,” I tell him.
“Nah. I usually do better than that.” He sets the gun down and turns facing me, a slight tilt on his lips. “You’re distracting.”
“I’m distracting?”
“Yeah, dollface, you are.” He stops inches away, and I angle my head up. “Everything about you fucks me up.”
The noise around us does this weird thing where it fades away, and the only thing I can hear is the sound of my heart beating in my chest. His eyes glued to mine make my knees weak, and I contemplate if it’d be better to collapse on the ground or fall into him. A kid runs past me, bumping into me and making the decision on my behalf. I lurch forward, my hand landing on Ryan’s hard chest to keep my balance.
He glances down, and I pull my arm away. But he grabs my wrist and puts my hand back where it was. “I like it when you touch me.”
I want to tell him I do too—I loved it the first time it happened at the restaurant—but that’d give him a reason to continue flirting. Instead, I try to take a step back.
He uses his free hand and grabs my waist, holding me in place. He doesn’t need to say anything. The flexing of his fingers and the darkening of his eyes say it all. He wants me.
And when my lips part and my own fingers dig into his chest, he knows I want him too. No matter how much I try to deny it, I’ve wanted him since the moment I saw him walking down the street. Every time I see him, I only want him more, but I know I can’t have him, and it makes every subsequent encounter harder and harder to keep my resolve.
“Party for Olivia, iiiiit’s pizza time! Olivia’s party, please return to room three.”
I hear the announcement through my lust, and he must too, because he steps back. Only when I turn around, his fingertips sliding around to my stomach and his pinky dipping just beneath the waistband of my jeans, does he let me go.
When I get into the party room, it’s chaos. Not organized… or maybe it is. I can’t tell because I feel so discombobulated that everything else does, too. Liv comes to my aid and helps serve pizza while I open juice boxes. It’s a blur which I’m thankful for because I’m able to forget about Ryan for a few minutes, and before I know it, Olivia is blowing out her candles.
Somehow, I remembered to take a picture. I scroll through my phone to make sure it’s a good one and notice Ryan leaning on the wall. He’s not looking at Olivia like everyone else but directly at me. And when I drag my gaze from my phone to him, he’s still giving me all his attention. Hunger written on his face.
I swallow past the sandpaper in my throat and work on cleaning up the room as the kids tear out to finish playing. Half of them didn’t eat more than a bite or two of pizza and cake. “I’ve gotta take off with Amelia.” Greg’s voice makes me jump when it creeps up on me from behind.
He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I glance behind him where Ryan is talking to Jay now, but I know he’s watching Greg because his hand is in a fist, and even from across the room, I can see his white knuckles.
Gently and as inconspicuously as I can, I shrug Greg’s hand off. “Thank you guys for coming.”
“Thanks for inviting us.”
He smiles and hesitates, but then shakes his head and walks away. Beneath my lashes, I watch the tension in Ryan’s body leave him as Greg walks out of the room.
I start to lift the trash bag out of the bin to make room for another bag when Jay and Ryan both protest. “Jeeze, damn cavemen. I was just taking it out since it’s so damn full. I still have all that crap to throw out.” I motion to the table piled high with plates and empty juice boxes.
“I’ll just run it out.” Jay comes over and lifts the bag, then carries it out of the room. Ryan looks over his shoulder until Jay’s gone, his hands now loose at his sides, but his intensity has moved north to his face, because his jaw muscle jumps and his eyes darken.
“I’m going to kiss you now.” That’s all the warning I get before his hands are on my face, and his mouth is on mine. Strong hands that moments ago were ready to pummel something are gentle as they cradle my head.
I reach up and grab his forearms, holding on. His tongue demands entrance, and I part my lips, almost forgetting what to do since it’s been so long since I’ve kissed anybody. But the moment he swipes his tongue along mine, I remember. And God, do I love it.
It’s been years, almost four to the day to be exact, since anybody’s looked at me with desire or wanted me so intensely. I push up on my toes, and he slides a hand around my head to grab my hair. With one large step, he pushes me against the wall, our lips never breaking contact even as my back slams against the plaster.
I moan against his mouth, my hips swaying toward him, my body desperate for more. He groans, and it vibrates straight through me, but just when I think he’s going to press his hard body against mine, he pulls away from me.
My chest heaves, and he swipes his thumb across my lips, his jaw lax as he swipes it again, only slower. I close my top lip over his thumb and brazenly suck. “Fuck me,” he growls and drops his hand just as Jay walks back in with Liv.
I try to cover the flush on my face, but I know it’s useless. I can’t believe I just did that. Oh my God, I’ve never done anything like that in my life. I’m so… embarrassed. And my sister sees it. Luckily, Ryan does a good enough job covering for both of us, and while he and Jay are carrying the presents to my car, I run to the bathroom.
Liv comes in as I’m washing my hands. “What was that?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on, Opal. That wasn’t nothing. I saw the way he was looking at you. And you, you’re red as hell.”
I shake my head even though she’s right. That was… everything. It was hot and beautiful and so, so good. “He was just helping me clean up.”
“What? The cobwebs.”
I toss my paper towel at her and hear her laughing as I walk back into the hallway. I try to forget about Ryan as all the parents and their kids are saying goodbye. I’m really proud of Olivia because she’s using her manners without me having to remind her. She waves to Jay and Liv through the window as they walk out.
Once she’s satisfied they can’t see her anymore, I walk to the counter with a very sleepy little girl leaning on my leg. As I’m settling the bill, I feel a presence next to me and know it’s Ryan without even having to look.
I tuck my receipt into my purse and avoid his eyes. “Thanks for coming.”
“I’ll walk you guys out.”
Olivia grabs one of each of our hands, and we swing her through the parking lot; something she loves to do but rarely happens since it’s usually just us two. She’s quiet but happy, and after I set her in her seat and she buckles up, Ryan sticks his head in and gives her a hug. I’m walking around to the driver’s side when he shuts the door. Over the top of my car, he calls my name.
“Yeah?”
“What time does she go to bed?”
“Why?”
“Because I’m coming over so I can see what that mouth can really do.”
My cheeks burn, and I contemplate if I should say no. Or if I should say hell yes. Or maybe I shouldn’t give him an answer at all. “That was a—”
“Don’t you dare say it was a mistake.”
“But—”
“Did it feel like a mistake?”
I simply shake my head.
“What time does she go to bed?”
I don’t know why I’m hesitating. He’s leaving, so I don’t have to worry about anything other than one night. People my age do it all the time even though it’s not who I really am. It’s probably a mistake, but without considering any more thoughts about why it’s a bad idea, I say, “Seven thirty.” And then get in my car and drive away before I change my mind.
My little girl got her second wind when we got home, so it takes longer than normal to get her in bed. I have just put her down, so when the bell rings, I run to the door and yank it open.
“Please tell me you don’t open the door without looking to see who it is.” Ryan’s angry voice not exactly what I want to hear right now.
“I just put Olivia down, and I didn’t want—”
“Is she sleeping?”
“Not yet, but she will be soon, hopefully.”
He looks past me, and the hard lines of his face soften before my eyes. “Hey, short stuff.” His voice is quieter, and his hand unclenches the fist it was in. “What are you doin’ awake?”
“I can’t sleep.”
Dammit. I knew that extra piece of cake would keep her up. Stupid sugar. I turn around to tell her to go back to bed. “Oliv—”
“Can Ryan read me a story?”