Chapter Eighteen

Becca

I'm kissing Ethan but he's not kissing me back. Instead, he pulls away.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I can't do this."

My already shattered heart shatters even more at his words. He's breaking up with me? And he picks now to do it? What the hell is wrong with him?

I shove him away. "You asshole!"

"What?" He sounds hurt. "What do mean? I just don't think it's the right time. It's not that I don't want to. I'm just trying to be a decent guy."

"Wait." I tilt my head. "What are we talking about here?"

"Sex. I don't think it's a good idea to have sex right now. You're sad and angry about your mom and it just doesn't feel right."

"Oh." I look down at the floor. He's right. As much as I want him right now, my reasoning for it is wrong. I'm trying to escape my feelings with sex and using Ethan to do it.

"What did you think I meant?"

I look at him. "I thought you were breaking up with me. Not that we're actually going out, but you know what I mean."

He extends his arms to me, still holding himself up on the crutches. "Come here."

Stepping up to him, I reach around his chest and hug him. As his arms go around me, I take a moment to finally breathe. My chest has been tight since I saw my mom this morning, but now, in Ethan's arms, I start to relax.

He holds me there until the tension in my body leaves and I pull away.

"Let's go sit down," he says.

We go to the couch and he turns to me, holding my hand. "First of all, we ARE going out. I thought I made that clear to you."

I shrug. "Not really. I thought we agreed this was just for the summer."

"You may have agreed to that, but I didn't. I told you I wanted this to continue. I like you, Becca, and I don't want to stop seeing you."

"But once school starts and you—"

"That has nothing to do with us."

"Things will change. You'll be back with your friends. Back on the team. Even if you don't play, you'll still be at practice and at the games. And you'll go to parties and girls will be hanging all over you. Wanting you."

"I only want one girl. And she's sitting right here."

"You don't mean that."

"Then why did I say it?" His lips turn up.

"Because you know it's what I want to hear?"

He gets serious again. "That's not why. It's because I mean it. Nothing's going to change once school starts. You're my girlfriend and you'll be with me when I go to games and parties and whatever else."

"I will?" I smile. "Is that an order?"

"It is." He smiles back. "So don't fight me on it."

I glance down at our joined hands. "It won't be the same, Ethan. I know you want it to be, but it won't. Your future is laid out for you and there's no room for someone like me in it."

"Says who?"

My eyes meet up with his. "I'm just being realistic. Your leg will heal and you'll start training again and things will go back to how they were. You'll be Ethan Baxter, the football star. First round draft pick. Future millionaire. On TV. Hanging out with celebrities. I don't fit in that world. I never will."

"Okay, slow down." He turns my face back to his. "You've basically just planned out my whole future for me, which I haven't even done. I don't even know if I'll be able to play football again." He sees the doubt on my face and says, "Yeah, there's a good chance I will, but it's not a hundred percent."

"Whether you play football or not, you're still leaving after you graduate. We're headed down different paths. I knew that when we started dating so I never planned for this to go beyond the summer."

He leans back and crosses his arms over his chest. "Then why don't we just end this right now?" He sounds angry. "If you're already planning for this to end, then why keep it going?"

My chest tightens like it did earlier, but this time it's because of the thought of losing Ethan. It's not what I want. Not at all. I have feelings for him, strong feelings that almost feel like love. So the thought of letting him go? It hurts. But like I said, I'm just being realistic. I'm not part of his world and never will be.

"Becca. Say something. Do you want to end this?"

I slowly shake my head, a tear slipping my cheek.

He sits up and takes me in his arms. "Then stop. Stop talking about us ending. Don't even put it out there as an option." He pulls back and kisses my forehead, then looks me in the eye. "I don't want to lose you. At first, I was like you and thought this wouldn't last past the summer. But then I got to know you and now I don't want you to go. I'll do whatever it takes to keep you in my life."

Does he really mean that? Isn't it too soon to say? Maybe it's not because I feel the same way about him. Maybe I should stop trying to predict the future and just enjoy the moment. Even if Ethan and I only have the summer, why waste it worrying about what's to come?

"Okay," I say.

"Okay, what?"

"I'll stop talking about us breaking up."

"And?"

"And what?"

"And you'll stop calling me your friend and start calling me your boyfriend."

"It's a deal." I slowly smile then bounce up and down on the couch and say in a high-pitched voice, "Oh my God! I'm dating Ethan Baxter! THE Ethan Baxter!"

He waits for my performance to end before saying, "Real funny. If you really want to be one of those girls, you need to coat your face in makeup and push your breasts up until they're popping out of your shirt."

I laugh and put my arms around his neck. "I'm just kidding. But I AM excited about dating Ethan Baxter. The REAL Ethan Baxter, not the football star. The Ethan I've gotten to know. The one who showed up to support me today. That's the Ethan I want."

"And that's the one you have."

I kiss him, then kiss him again, slowly, as my hand moves down his chest, then to the front of his dress pants. He's already hard and I rub my hand over it, wanting him.

"Hold on," he says, moving my hand away. "I told you I don't want us doing that if you're only doing it to get your mind off your mom."

"That's not why." I try to free my hand from his but he won't let me.

"Becca," he says. "If you touch me there again, I'll have you naked in my bed within a minute, which is what I want, but it's not right."

"It feels pretty right to me." I try to free my hand again but he holds onto it.

"I know you're still upset about what happened, so talk to me."

"You're saying you'd rather talk than have sex?"

"I know, right? I think I've lost my damn mind."

I smile. "You haven't lost your mind. You're just a nice guy."

"Maybe, but I only have so much self control so you can't be touching me like that. At least not yet. First let's talk about what happened. Are you upset because your mom's marrying that guy or because she paid for his kids' college?"

"Both." I sit back. "But mostly because she paid for their college. Those aren't her kids and yet she treats them better than Mike and me. It's just like Mike said. She only did it to get on Jim's good side. To get him to marry her."

"So she never offered to help you with college?"

I roll my eyes. "Are you kidding? She didn't even offer me money for food. After my dad died and I paid off all his debts and paid for the funeral I had nothing left. Mike was stationed overseas and sent what money he could but it wasn't enough."

"You really lived out of your car?"

"Just for a few weeks. It was actually my dad's car. It was old but it worked and luckily it was summer so I didn't freeze to death living in it. And it got me to my three jobs."

"You had three jobs?"

"I needed money and I needed it fast so I could get a place to live. When I got my first paychecks, I found a room for rent. It was in a bad part of town but it was cheap."

"And your mom knew about this?"

I nod. "Before I got paid, I was so desperate for food money that I called her. I asked if I could just have a hundred dollars. She yelled at me for calling to ask for money so I hung up and never called again."

"So when she refused to give you money, what happened? You just kept working until you saved enough money for school?"

"Yeah. It took me about a year."

"But if your dad hadn't died, you would've started school right after high school."

"That was the plan. But plans change."

I've accepted that now, but back then I was so angry. I was mad at the world, the universe, at life in general, for taking my dad and leaving me with nothing. Then Mike got hurt and I never felt sorry for myself again. If he could go through all that and come out okay, then I had nothing to complain about.

"You were accepted to University of Chicago?" Ethan asks.

"Yeah, but it was too expensive so I decided to go to Ohio State. Dad had saved enough for the first year but then he died and I had to use the money for the funeral and medical bills and I ended up broke."

"Why University of Chicago? Why'd you want to go there?"

"I wanted to go into social work and they have a really good social work program. My grades in high school weren't that great so I was shocked when I got accepted but they said it was because of the essay I sent in. It was based on a paper I wrote for school about how after school programs have been proven to reduce crime among teens. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Even though I got accepted, I couldn't afford it."

"If you want to be a social worker, why'd you go to school for nursing?"

"Because I could get a degree in two years and start working. I didn't have the time or money to get a four-year degree. Maybe later, once I've saved enough, I'll go back and get a bachelor's degree, but for now, the two year degree will at least get me a decent paying job."

"But it's not what you want to do."

"Maybe not, but it'll pay the bills and I won't have trouble finding a job. And it's not like I hate it. It's just not my first choice."

"Then don't do it."

"Of course I'm doing it. I'm almost done with school. I only have a semester left."

"You keep telling me to not play football if it's not what I really want to do, so why won't you follow your own advice? If you don't want to be a nurse, then don't do it."

"It's not that I don't want to. It's just not what I thought I'd be doing. But plans change and I'm okay with that. You can't compare the two of us. My job will just be one part of my life, but being a professional athlete is more than a job. It's a lifestyle. It takes up all your time, even when you're not playing. So if you don't like it or don't want that lifestyle, you have to seriously consider not doing it, even if it means giving up millions of dollars."

"Well, if I end up in the pros, you can go to school wherever you want. I'll pay for it. Tuition. Living expenses. All of it. I'll even buy you a car." He smiles. "I think you'd look cute in a Jeep. Or some kind of convertible, top down, your hair blowing in the breeze."

I shake my head. "You're not buying me a car. Or paying for college. And you're not playing football just for the money. You need to think about this, Ethan. Soon the team will be back for practice and the pressure's going to be on you to play."

"The pressure's already there. It never went away. Even right after the accident, when I was still in the hospital, I overhead my dad telling the doctor I had to play ball again. He was practically threatening the guy, as if the doctor had any control over how fast my leg would heal."

"What about your coach? Is he pressuring you?"

"Yeah, but only because he thinks he's helping. Coach is a good guy. He wouldn't pressure me unless he thought I needed it. And since I haven't told him differently, he thinks I want to play pro ball, so he'll do what he can to help me get there. He'll push me because he thinks he's helping me reach my goal. Unlike my dad, Coach actually supports me."

"Then why have you been avoiding him?"

"Because until I know what I want to do, I don't want him trying to put me back on the path for a pro career."

"Are you getting closer to making a decision?"

"Yeah, and I keep coming back to football. It's all I know. Like I've said before, I love the game. I just don't like all the pressure. And honestly, as stupid as it sounds, I don't like my dad getting what he wants."

"You can't not play just to piss off your dad."

"I know. That's why I said it's stupid. But the thought still crosses my mind. He's going to make millions off me and that pisses me off. Even though he paid for me to have the best trainers in the business, that doesn't mean he owns me and my career, but he disagrees. He thinks I owe it to him to do this."

"If your dad wasn't a factor, would you want to play professionally?"

"If you'd asked me that before the accident I would've had no doubts about playing pro ball. But after almost getting killed, and watching three people die right in front of me..." He shuts his eyes a moment and takes a breath. "Football just doesn't seem that important anymore. The money. The fame. It doesn't excite me like it used to."

"Then what does?"

He shrugs. "Haven't figured that out yet."

"Would you ever want to coach?"

"Coach football?"

"Yeah, like maybe coach high school or be a college coach?"

"Huh." He pauses to think. "I've never really thought about it. I don't know if I'd make a good coach."

"You're kind of already a coach, aren't you? I mean, you lead your team. You said yourself how you get your guys back on track when they lose focus. That's coaching."

"I guess in a way it is."

"I personally think you'd make a great coach."

"Maybe. Anyway, going back to you, what are you going to do about your mom?"

"Stop talking to her."

"What if she calls?"

"I won't pick up. And after today, I doubt Mike will either. I think she lost both her kids today. But at least she still has her twin boys." I roll my eyes, imagining what these guys look like. All I can come up with is a younger version of Jim, with more hair and no potbelly.

"You feeling any better?" Ethan asks.

"Yeah. A lot. Thanks for the talk."

"Anytime." His hand goes behind my neck and he pulls my mouth to his for a kiss, then says, "So now that we've talked, we can do other things."

"Like the things I wanted to do earlier?"

"And more." He smiles against my lips.

"What does that mean?"

"Get in my room and you'll find out."

We spend the rest of the day in bed and Ethan introduces me to some things I've never done before. Things I want to do again, because holy crap, I didn't know sex could be that good. I've never been with someone as experienced as Ethan, and I get the feeling he has even more tricks up his sleeve. I'm game. I trust him, even more now than before.

Today we shared a lot with each other. Our dreams. Our struggles with our families. Our fears about the future. And sharing all that brought us closer and made me trust him, which scares me. Trust is something I don't give out to just anyone. People have to earn it, and if they mess up, they don't get it back. So I hope I'm right. I hope I can trust Ethan.