“What are you doing here?” Brody asked, looking up at me in surprise as I strolled into the bar.
“I’m here to work, of course,” I said. “What are you doing? I’m on for today.”
Brody took a long look at the booth, and I knew that’s where Jack was. “I wasn’t expecting you today.”
“Well, I’m here today, so go do whatever you were planning on doing.”
“I was planning on working the bar today.”
“Fine.” If he was going to make this hard, I wasn’t going to push. “See you some other time, then. Let me know when I’m scheduled.”
“Ace, wait.”
I didn’t want to wait. I didn’t want to even look at Jack, who’d tried to hail me from the booth. It was stupid to blame my heartbreak on him, especially when he was only trying to protect me, but I did. Maybe I could’ve gone on for the rest of my life or until something else happened to reveal who Katie really was pretending that everything was going to be fine, that I was going to finally be allowed happiness.
I was stalking toward my motorcycle when he finally caught up with me, grabbing my shoulder, and spinning me around. “Ace, stop.”
“What the fuck do you want?” I snapped, wincing when I realized how aggressive and broken it sounded.
Jack didn’t so much as bat an eyelash. “I want to talk to you.”
I groaned and pushed my face into my hands. “I confronted Katie, if that’s what you’re curious about.”
“I…gathered as much, from how angry you are.”
“I mean, I don’t know what you think I should say or do,” I said. “You’re right. It wasn’t good, her having that information before she even met me in person.”
“How not good?”
“She’s a cop.”
“Well, you were a cop, once.”
“Once upon a time, sure. But I was also the cop who was responsible for her lover’s death.”
“Yikes.”
“That’s an understatement.”
“I’m sorry, Ace. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
“But you’re not sorry about snooping.”
He lifted his chin. “No. I’m not. You needed to know if you were in danger. Are there going to be repercussions? Anything we can do?”
I sighed. “I didn’t do it, if that’s what you’re asking. I didn’t actually pull the trigger, but I might as well have.”
“We’re worried about you, is what I’m trying to say. All of us. You’ve been a little reclusive.”
“I just haven’t felt like going out lately,” I said. “Not after all of this.”
“I understand.”
“I love her. Even now.”
“I’m sorry, Ace.” He pulled me into a rough hug, dragging me forward even as I tried to drag my heels in the ground. “We’re all here for you. Just tell us what you need, and we’ll make it happen.”
“A time machine,” I muttered, the words muffled against his shoulder.
“We’ll work on that,” he vowed, pounding me on the back. “Take care of yourself.”
That was easier said than done. My appetite and my need for sleep had both apparently taken flight with Katie’s exit from Rio Seco. I knew, abstractly, that I should be eating and drinking and resting like a normal person. I just didn’t seem to want to. Katie was foremost in my mind, followed by the old song and dance routine of examining whether I could’ve done something to prevent Joe Clayton’s death, second guessing myself at every opportunity.
I even went so far as to call my former supervisor, Cora Slade, who had since retired from the force.
“Cora?” I asked, scooting forward, on the edge of my chair, nervous energy making my foot wag rapidly back and forth.
“Who’s this?”
“It’s me, Ace uh, Anthony Black. I used to work for you.”
“I remember you, Black,” she said, her voice warm. “What’s going on with you? It’s good to hear from you.”
“I’m sorry just to call out of the blue like this.”
“Nothing to be sorry for. Really. It’s a pleasure. What can I do for you?”
“I hate to rehash old things, Cora, but I’ve been thinking a lot about”
“Let me guess. Joe Clayton?”
“What how well, yeah. Pretty much.”
“You didn’t kill him, Black.”
“I”
“I’ll tell you the same thing now as I told you then. Joe Clayton was a dirty cop. He got himself killed, getting involved in the kinds of things he was involved in.”
“How did you know I was going to ask you about Joe Clayton?” I asked, curiosity outweighing, for a moment, my angst.
“Well, I knew it wasn’t going to be a social call, Black.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m a busy woman in my retirement. I don’t have the time to waste on small talk. Also, I heard through the grapevine that someone was trying to get Clayton’s case reopened.”
“Oh.”
“I’m guessing that someone made contact with you.”
“Yeah. In a way.”
“You don’t have anything to worry about, Black. The case is staying closed.”
“You know this from your contacts?”
“Yes, and my common sense.” There was a pause. “Was there anything else?”
“No… I mean, how’s life, now, after the police?”
“I’ll bet I’m having just as much fun as you are. Have a good night.”
“Okay. Thanks. You, too.”
Cora had always been no nonsense, and it was something of a comfort to speak to her again. The fact, though, that she had heard in her retirement that someone Katie was trying to reopen Joe Clayton’s case gave me pause. My ears burned as if I could sense being talked about from across the state.
Days stretched into weeks, but I still couldn’t recapture normality. I avoided work at the bar, couldn’t get myself astride the bike, dodged calls from Jack and the rest of the guys.
It got so bad that they’d taken to playing ding-dong ditch, leaving bags and boxes of takeout for me outside of my apartment, knowing that I probably wouldn’t want to talk to them but that I had to eat at some point. They were good friends, and I was a piece of shit for ignoring them, but I just couldn’t bring myself to see them right now.
But that was the funny thing about time. If you were patient enough with it, it would do you favors, like dull the ache I felt in my chest at Katie’s absence, make me remember how to feed myself, how to sleep, how to get my ass to work and earn money, even though the guys had set aside some club funds for me to help with my bills while I was away from the bar.
“You really didn’t have to do that,” I said, trying to push the envelope back to Jack.
“That’s what we’re here for,” he said. “That’s what the emergency fund is for.
“For me to have a nice, long mope?”
“Stop,” he said. “We’re happy that you’re back. Now take the fucking envelope, or I’ll get Chuck to kick your ass.”
Being at the bar turned out to be a blessing, but it made it all the more difficult to return to my empty apartment at the end of the night. Maybe I should’ve tried to get back on the horse and gone home with someone, but that felt about as hard as returning alone to my apartment.
I didn’t even realize someone was in the apartment, waiting for me, until I’d tossed my keys on the table, sighed deeply, and gone for the cigarettes on top of the refrigerator, intent on using one or the rest of the pack to extinguish the misery building up inside of me.
I froze, though, my hand still outstretched, because I’d realized that I’d passed right by someone seated in my dark living room. I turned slowly to face their presence, sure it was some shadow from my past the nasty one, the one when I’d had everyone believing that I really was a part of the underworld, where I lurked for work. I’d made plenty of enemies there, and I’d always thought it was more than likely that one or two might come looking for me at some point.
“State your purpose,” I said curtly, and was surprised at the answer I got more surprised, even, than the fact that someone had been lying in wait for me at my apartment.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Katie asked, her voice quiet, her head bowed.
I wished I could’ve said that I felt dread, seeing her form sitting on my couch in the darkened room. She’d pulled a gun on me the last time we interacted, but it seemed like any sense of self-preservation I’d had before had deserted me. If anything, I was relieved she was back. I was glad to see her, even if I couldn’t quite make out the expression on her face, or whether she was clutching a weapon right now.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I said, staying where I was. I wasn’t sure that I would be welcome if I decided to get any closer, even if it was my place.
“You…you just let me go on and on. I pulled a gun on you. And you didn’t tell me your side of the story. Not a single detail. Why?”
“I think I was more concerned with the fact that you had a gun on me.”
Her shoulders heaved in a sigh. “I’m…I was desperate. I don’t know why… I’m sorry.”
“Katie, it’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. I pointed a gun at you. I was going to use it.”
“I don’t think you were actually going to fire.” I tried a smile on, found it felt pretty good. “I’m too charming for that.”
“I would’ve used it, Ace.”
“But you didn’t. Because you weren’t absolutely sure. That’s some good detective work. At least, I’m glad for it. That you ask questions before shooting.”
“I’m not a good cop. I almost…I could’ve…”
“Katie, enough.” I stepped forward, into the room, just because I needed to be closer to her. She was torturing herself, hurting, and I would do anything to stop that. Even if I wasn’t sure where we stood with each other.
“Just tell me.”
“What do you want me to tell you?” I stood in front of her, looking down at her, noting the way she pressed her hands into her face. She practically radiated exhaustion, and I realized that I had no idea where she’d been, when the last time she slept was, if she’d had anything to eat, or whether she’d been taking care of herself.
“Everything you know about what happened to Joe Clayton, and why,” she said.
“How much time do you have?” I asked, meaning it as a joke even as it fell flat.
“I need to know. I need to understand all of it.”
“I’m not sure I understand all of it, myself.”
“Try. Please.”
So I told her. Everything. Regaled her with stories of things I was afraid might be classified. I imagined the case files on them, just pages and pages of line after redacted line. And I told her everything I knew about Joe Clayton, including the things that Cora had told me. I didn’t leave anything out, knew I was probably hurting her with the truth, but I wanted to be perfectly honest. I didn’t think I could stand anymore secrets between us, and I was betting Katie couldn’t either. I didn’t even care that it might drive her away again. She’d already gone away once, and if she was going to do it again, there wouldn’t be any regrets with how it went down. I recognized that if I tried to keep anything from her, it might go over terribly if she ever found out I lied.
But when I was done and silence reigned once more in the dark room, I worried that I’d gone too far. I could’ve at least tried to soften the blow of her learning that her former lover and partner was corrupt, through and through. It couldn’t have been easy to hear.
“I fucked up,” Katie said, her voice hoarse, and I wished I could’ve turned on the light to the living room to try and figure out how to help her, based on whatever emotion currently ruled her face.
“I fucked up, too,” I said.
“How in God’s name could you have possibly fucked up?” she demanded. “You were just doing your job, then trying to live your life. I’m the one who accused you of being a murderer.”
“You should know that I feel responsible for Joe’s death.”
“Why in the world would you? He was a piece of shit.”
“Katie…”
“He was. I had no idea the kind of shit he was into, and he brought it on himself.”
“That’s what Cora said.”
“Cora Slade. Your former supervisor. I spoke with her.”
“You did?”
“And I got the video cleaned up, the one I found from the security camera,” she said. “The portion I’d been able to make out just showed you standing over Joe as he bled out. But I saw everything, once the static and the mess was cleaned up by a tech guy I used to know. It happened like you said.”
“It wouldn’t have happened at all if I had been better.”
“You couldn’t control what Joe was doing. And if you’d tried to stop your contact, your case would’ve been blown. All that hard work, all the time, would’ve meant nothing. And maybe your life would’ve been put in danger, too.”
“I still feel responsible.”
“I feel responsible, too.”
I scoffed. “You shouldn’t.”
“I didn’t trust you, and I should have.”
I sighed. “Everyone makes mistakes, Katie. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
She laughed. “You don’t. I don’t know… Maybe you do. Ever since Joe died, I hated the idea of wasting time. Because everything could be taken away from you at any moment. Life is so short, and we’re so stupid if we waste ours. And now that I know just what kind of person Joe was, it doesn’t make sense to have that belief anymore. But I wasted a lot of time with you, regardless of what I believe, and I hate that.”
I cupped her cheek with my hand, drawing my thumb across the bottom of her eye to ward off the tear that I knew threatened to fall.
“Just what, exactly, do you think we wasted?” I asked.
“I was so sure you’d killed Joe,” she said, pressing her face into the palm of my hand. “That’s what I’d seen on the video, what I thought I believed. I came here intent on making you pay for a crime you didn’t commit. I was awful to you because I was horrified at myself for falling in love with you.”
“Let’s just agree to stop wasting time, then.”
“What?”
“If we love each other, what else is there to worry about?”
“But I”
“Do you still love me, Katie?”
“Well, yes, but”
“Then that’s all we need to worry about, right? That we love each other?”
“Ace, I thought you killed Joe. I really did. I blamed you for everything, didn’t believe you when you told me that you didn’t. I seriously doubt that you could ever love me, after that.”
“Katie?”
“Yes?”
I leaned forward, smoothed the line of her jaw with my hand, and kissed her, long and hard, trying to convey what I might not have been able to say in the contact. I loved her so much. My life had lost its joy, its color, without her here. I needed her to know that, even if I wasn’t sure how to say it.
“I’m glad you’re back,” I said. “Do you think you can stay?”
“Stay? Here in Rio Seco?” Her lips curved upward against mine. “What in the world am I going to do here?”
“I could think of one or two things.” I coupled that suggestive statement with a few suggestive gestures, and Katie laughed.
“I have a couple of things I could add to that,” she said, kissing my jaw line. “God, I missed you.”
“I missed you more.” We shifted on the couch until she was curled up in my lap, nuzzling my beard beneath my chin. “What about your job?”
“I left it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not. I wasn’t happy, and Joe really fucked things up for me. When I came back, internal affairs investigated me, too, just because they were wondering if the corruption had rubbed off on me.”
“I’m sure we can find something for you here in Rio Seco.”
“I found you here in Rio Seco.”
“Yes, you did.” I held on to her tight, sure that there was nothing in the world that would get me to let go of her now.
We didn’t so much as make love as we sank into each other, relearning each other now that there was nothing to hide. My hands and mouth mapped the planes of her body, each curve and crevice, and I found places I was familiar with, landmarks I knew, locations I loved.
“I love you,” I panted to her, not caring whether it was an appropriate time to say something like that, my body buried in hers, both of us linked together.
“Even after everything?” Katie had her legs wrapped around my middle, and she looked up at me, blinking away beads of sweat, or maybe tears.
“Especially after everything.”
“Why? Why would you still love me after all of that?”
I smiled at her. “Because if we got the worst fight we’ll ever had out of the way at the beginning of the relationship, then it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out.”
Katie paused for a moment, then threw her head back and laughed, and it was the best feeling in the world.