“Should we take this outside?” I asked, rubbing the back of my head awkwardly. I stood a couple of yards away from Nadine, who wouldn’t stop scowling at me, and Simon, who was holding a towel filled with ice over his eye. The rest of the Thanksgiving party had moved to the booth and the tables around it, getting as far away from us as they could. I didn’t blame them. If I could crawl out of my own skin just to get away from my life, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
“Can we not?” Simon requested politely. “I have no intention of going another round with you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know.” He cracked a cautious smile. “It was a joke.”
“You’re…actually joking right now?” I asked, having a hard time believing what was happening.
“Beats the alternative,” he said with a shrug. “And there’s obviously been a misunderstanding here.”
“I hope to God that’s what it’s been,” Nadine said. “Brody, why the hell did you attack my brother? Why did Sloan jump in, too?”
“You’ll have to excuse Sloan,” I said quickly. “He loves bar fights. He’s a weirdo like that.”
“And what’s your excuse?”
“It’s just… Simon’s your brother?” I asked. “I’m sorry. I just don’t understand.”
“You don’t see the family resemblance?”
Right now, all I could see was Nadine pissed and Simon looking like he was doing his best to not to listen in on any of this, even if Nadine had wanted him to be present at this shit show.
“I thought you were sleeping with him,” I admitted quietly, shocking both of them.
She wrinkled her nose and scoffed at me. “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.”
“What was I supposed to think?” I demanded, the situation really starting to get to me. “I came home, you were on the bed, he came to the bedroom door in a towel, fresh out of the shower.”
Nadine wavered for a moment before drawing strength again. “You didn’t even give either of us a chance to explain ourselves.”
“What I thought you were going to explain was that you were having an affair.”
“An affair? Really? What are we in, a soap opera?”
“I thought you and I really had something,” I said. I hated how vulnerable I felt right then, confessing that to the person who had hurt me so terribly in the first place. “But then you started acting funny.”
“Funny? I wasn’t acting funny.”
“You were flirting with everyone you crossed paths with,” I said. “You ignored me constantly. When I tried to talk about what was going on, you would just shut me down.”
“That’s just ridiculous”
“Nadine.” Simon crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow at her.
“Oh, don’t give me that look,” she sniped. “You’re supposed to be on my side on this.”
“I am on your side,” he told her. “But being on your side means I’m looking out for your best interests, and it’s in your best interest to be honest.”
“But I”
“I’m your brother. Your bullshit doesn’t work on me, girl. Tell the poor guy the truth.”
“Poor guy?” Nadine snorted. “That ‘poor guy’ probably gave you a black eye.”
“And that entire misunderstanding is why we’re all here, trying to figure this out,” Simon reasoned. “So tell the truth. You’ll be better for it.”
“What’s the truth?” I asked as Simon took a couple of respectful steps back, pretending not to listen again. I lowered my voice. “Is there some kind of sibling thing going on between the two of you?”
“I heard that,” he called, “and that’s gross, man.”
“Sorry,” I said. “I’m just really confused.”
“The truth.” Nadine rolled her eyes elaborately. “The truth is stupid. Or I don’t know. Maybe I’m stupid.”
I thought the woman in front of me was a lot of thingsbeautiful, infuriating, insane, wonderful but stupid wasn’t one of them.
“I was trying to drive you away,” she finally blurted out, watching the emotions play out on her face until something came up that she apparently couldn’t bear to watch. She turned away.
“Drive me away?” I repeated. “Why did you want to if you didn’t want to be with me, Nadine, you could’ve just told me. I would’ve respected it. I wouldn’t have liked it, because I liked you so much, but I would’ve respected it.”
“You liked me?” Her voice was small. “Liked?”
“Of course I liked you. I thought that was pretty obvious.”
“But…‘liked’? Past tense? As in you don’t like me anymore?”
“Nadine, I’m in love with you.” And there it was, the really big confession. She could unmake me right now, in this moment, if she wanted to. I was holding my bloody, dripping heart out to her. It was up to Nadine to know what to do with it, because I was at a loss, these days.
“I…” She hesitated, unable to even make eye contact. Oh. This was going to be bad. “I don’t want to be in love with you.”
Really bad. “Okay,” I said, like she hadn’t just eviscerated me. “See? That’s all you had to say. I’ll…I’ll back off. You can be with whomever you want. Stay at the house as long as you need to. I’ve been…just fine staying at the bar.”
“Brody, you’ve been staying at the bar?” Her eyes narrowed. “You idiot. I thought you were still staying on the couch.”
“Really? But I’m never there.”
“I thought you just got back after I went to bed and left before I got up,” Nadine said, wincing a little. “Sorry I didn’t notice.”
“You didn’t have to notice,” I said. “That’s not your job.”
“You don’t… I should’ve… Fuck!” She kicked at the floor in consternation and paced around. Someone on the other side of the bar took the opportunity to turn up the music to give us more tentative privacy. I wished we could’ve had this discussion somewhere else, and at a later time, but it felt like something that needed to be sorted out right now. “Why is this so hard? I can get along with everyone. People trust me. Why can’t I do this?”
I tried to smile at her. I really did. I was giving it all I had. “You’re too close, see? You can get people to trust you when you’re photographing them because you have that lens between you so you can keep a little distance. It’s different, then, isn’t it? It’s their lives, their experiences, not yours. So don’t feel bad.”
“That’s not what I… Dammit, Brody.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I hiccupped a tired laugh. “‘Dammit, Brody,’ I know. I’m sorry for loving you.”
“That isn’t something you have to be sorry about. Let me explain.”
“Hey, Nadine?”
“Yeah?”
“Can this, uh, be the end of today’s explanation?” I laughed again, but it was too close to a sob for me to be very comfortable with it. “I don’t think I can take very much more of this.”
“I’m sorry.” She reached out for me, but her hands dropped when I leaned away from her.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Stop apologizing. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
Then why did I feel so goddamn sorry? “I have to go.”
“Will you talk more with me soon?” she asked. “Please? There’s a lot we need to talk about still, mainly because I’ve done such a terrible job of it.”
“Sure, anytime,” I said, smiling like an idiot. “See you later, though, for now.”
God, I had to get out of there. I felt myself on the edge of losing it, as if I hadn’t already lost everything, all hope of any sort of positive resolution completely gone.
“Brody, where are you going?” someone called after me, but I didn’t care. I had to go. I was falling apart. She didn’t want to be in love with me, and that meant she didn’t want to be with me.
I went home because there was nowhere else for me to go, not feeling thankful about a single thing. Even learning that Simon was Nadine’s brother and not her lover didn’t completely make things easier. There was still the fact that Nadine didn’t want to give us a chance. Would I ever get over that? People probably suffered heartbreak like this all the time. I wasn’t the first. How did they overcome it?
I was feeling weak. Absolutely weak. That weakness led me to park the bike in its spot at the house, to let myself in the front door, to wander to the bedroom, knowing that signs of Nadine living with me were in there. It was so odd, feeling like a stranger in my own home, but there it was. It was like it didn’t even belong to me anymore because I’d spent so much time away from it, lending it to Nadine. I was here now, though, and I only had the strength to pause for a fraction of a moment before pushing the bedroom door open soundlessly. I knew she didn’t want to be in love with me. That she didn’t want me anymore. But maybe she could at least tolerate me enough for one night, just lying side by side. I didn’t even want to do anything but be in the same bed as her.
But when I eased onto the mattress, my own bed feeling foreign to my body, I realized that it was made up, not slept in. I felt over on the other side to be sure, but the cover was even drawn up over the pillow.
Confused, I flipped on the lamp beside the bed and sat up. The room was clean maybe the cleanest I’d ever seen it. Every fiber of the freshly vacuumed rug lay perfectly in place, minus the footsteps I’d just made across the floor. The bed had been neatly made before I got into it, and unless my brain had been tricking me… No, the comforter, even the pillows had been freshly laundered, still smelling like the perfumed fabric softener. There weren’t any clothes strewn around, or shoes, and with a jolt of recognition, I understood the real reason I hadn’t felt at home since I’d stepped through the door.
There wasn’t any sign of Nadine here.
As much as I had groused about her poor housekeeping habits and general untidiness, I realized I’d gotten pretty used to it. It had defined the place for me, showed me that she was here. I rolled off the bed and poked around. The bathroom was probably cleaner than when I’d first gotten the place, the tub and sink gleaming. The towels were fluffy and neatly folded on the rack, and it looked like she’d even polished the mirror to a shine. None of her various hair or makeup products cluttered the countertop. They’d all been put away for once.
I walked through the house, turning on lights, investigating this new condition I was finding it in. I’d missed it, coming in, but the living room was in perfect condition. The remote control was even resting beside the TV, dug out from whatever dark recesses it had previously occupied. A throw blanket I didn’t even recognize was draped artfully over the back of the couch. The whole place seemed like it had been redesigned and cleaned by a professional. I certainly wasn’t capable of that level artistry, especially in the kitchen. Every utensil was in place, a new dish towel in a tasteful pattern hung on the oven handle, and I was downright stunned to find the refrigerator completely cleaned out and restocked.
A strange feeling took hold in my chest, and I returned to the bedroom to open the dresser drawers. It was only my clothes. The closet was the same. And none of the cabinets in the bathroom housed any of her numerous tubes of makeup or beauty-related paraphernalia.
Nadine had moved out. Things really were over.
My cellphone vibrated in my pocket and I got it out to see who was trying to reach out and touch me, hoping against hope that it would be Nadine. If I’d known she’d moved all her stuff out of the house, I would’ve stuck around longer, forced myself to listen to the various reasons she had for not wanting to be with me. I thought I would’ve gotten another chance, but maybe tonight had been the last.
The call wasn’t from Nadine. It was Jack. I sagged with disappointment.
I only answered the call because I knew ignoring it would end up in someone being assigned to drive out here and check on me. I didn’t want to ruin the festivities any more than I already had.
“Talk to me,” Jack suggested. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Uh-huh. You left Thanksgiving six drinks deep and nothing on your stomach. I’m assuming you drove yourself home.”
“I made it just fine. We’ve all been worse at various points of our drinking careers.”
“Doesn’t make it right, Brody.”
“I’m fine, is what I’m trying to tell you.”
“Nadine and her brother left the bar, if you think you might want to come back and have something to eat.”
“No, thanks. I’m already home. I’ll just stay here.”
“We can send someone to pick you up.”
“That’s all right, Jack. Really. I’d rather be alone right now.”
He seemed to consider this. “Everyone’s worried about you.”
“The last thing I need is for everyone pitying me, talking in hushed whispers around me.”
“I think we’ve gotten all the gossiping out of the way with you at home,” he said. “Everyone’s just focused on having a good time, now.”
“I’m sorry I ruined Thanksgiving.”
“Are you serious? This will become legend. The year Brody punched out his girlfriend’s brother in the bar.”
“She’s not my girlfriend. Not now, not ever, I don’t think.”
“Oh, Brody. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“And I’m sorry for fighting in the bar.”
“This is why we can’t have nice things,” he said wistfully.
“I’d understand if you didn’t want to have the brew night anymore.”
“What?” Jack squawked. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“You know. As a punishment.”
“You think you need to be punished for having a fight in the bar?”
“I’d understand, is all I’m saying.”
“You think I punished Chuck for kicking the shit out of that guy who was grabbing at Haley?”
“That was different. That guy deserved it.”
“And I’m not even slightly implying that Nadine’s brother deserved it, but you’ve got to forgive yourself, Brody. Get on with your life. You deserve to be happy, you know? Just as much as she deserves it.”
“I’m pretty tired, Jack.”
“Yeah, right. You can always just tell me you don’t want to talk about this bullshit anymore.”
“You said it, not me.”
“Someone will be checking on you later.”
“Please don’t.” I wasn’t worth it. That’s how I felt, even if I knew Jack would contradict it if I voiced it aloud.
“You forfeited your say in the matter by leaving Thanksgiving early,” he said blithely. “Plus, I refused to serve as interim judge for the turkey bet, so whoever’s checking on you will be bringing by a huge plate of turkey, turkey, turkey, and all the fixings.”
I snorted a laugh at that. “Are we really that ridiculous?”
“I’m afraid so, Brody.”
“Talk to you later, then.”
“Happy Thanksgiving.”
“Happy Thanksgiving.”
I fell asleep and woke up to a note on my countertop from Sloan and Amy, as well as the promised plate heaped with food in the refrigerator. There was also a single key included with a note, which hurt most of all. They’d obviously let themselves in to my place while I was asleep using Nadine’s key, and it was just one more piece of myself she’d shucked off.