HORIZON MC by Clara Kendrick (20)

 

The weekend before Easter was one of Horizon MC’s favorite fundraisers. We shut down the entire townwell, the main street, which included the bar and the park and several of the historic buildings that were in the process of being revitalized and threw a massive egg hunt for kids throughout the county. I’d even heard that parents were planning on busing kids in from farther away than just the next town over, but that would just make it more exciting. There were eggs and prizes for everyone, and food and raffle ticket sales would benefit the school district, going directly into a fund that helped teachers purchase supplies for their classrooms. The idea for this event had originally belonged to Sloan, whose mother was a teacher. He’d seen her struggle throughout his childhood to afford to do right by her family but also devote enough time and resources to make school a wonderful experience for her students. Sloan remembered many a time that his mother had given up her own lunch, packed from home, for a student who wasn’t able to bring one that day, or the spare change she scrounged to buy supplies for a class project, or new books to ignite her students’ interests.

It was good work, giving back to teachers like this fundraiser did. Teachers handled the most precious cargo of the communitychildren and they should’ve had more resources at their disposal to make the educational experience the best one possible. I tended to think of Chelsea a lot during this springtime fundraiser, of how she would’ve been in a classroom. I imagined that her students would return to her year after year just to say hello and tell her how they were doing because they loved her so much.

What was even more special this spring was that the renovations on the park had been completed. Our winter fundraiser, which had taken place in the dusty and dilapidated space, had raised enough money forthe town to completely revitalize the park. It now boasted new playground equipment so different from the rusty death-traps that had previously chased children away a large pavilion and picnic area, and a wealth of native plants in the landscaping. Rio Seco was still firmly located in the desert, but the new park was like a breath of fresh air, an oasis for families in the town. It was the nicest park in the county, and it had been nominated for a design award, which would be announced later this year.

The morning of the egg hunt was always the most exciting to me, but it was even more fun this year. I’d convinced Jack to put both Haley and me on egg-hiding duty, and we roamed the main street and the park with garbage bags full of eggs that everyone had worked on filling the night before, after the bar had closed. It was nice to spend this kind of time with Haley, relaxed, not consumed with angst over my sister or worried about how Haley perceived me. Doing this simple but fun task was something of a relief from all things painful.

It was the next step of our relationship a comfortable spot where we weren’t dealing with crises or trying to feel each other out. It was a point where we both knew where we stood, and now we could just step back and enjoy it.

“I remember how excited I used to get hunting for eggs when I was a kid,” Haley said, her voice wistful, her eyes far away, like she was reliving the memories even as she examined the huge sack of plastic eggs filled with various treasures. “I think I liked it even better than Christmas.”

“I always liked hiding them,” I said, dipping my hand into the sack and taking out a green egg. “Maybe it was just my devious nature. I liked it when my younger cousins couldn’t find all of them.”

“You are devious,” she said, laughing, as she balanced another egg in an Aloe Vera plant sprouting from the dusty ground.

“Takes one to know one,” I said, pointing at her pick for an egg-hiding spot. “Only the kids who aren’t afraid of getting their hands scratched up by the plant are going to go for that one.”

“Oh, damn,” Haley said, reaching for it. “Think that was too hardcore?”

“No, no, leave it,” I assured her. “Fortune favors the brave.”

She snorted at me before laughing. “If you say so. So what would happen then?”

“Huh?”

“After your younger cousins couldn’t find the eggs you deviously hid.”

“Chelsea and I would split the contents of the ones that didn’t get found.” I considered the possible consequences of putting eggs anywhere near a cluster of viciously spiked cacti and did it anyway. “It was incentive for us to be creative in hiding the eggslike really get into it and for the other kids to work hard to get their rewards.”

I experienced my customary pang of loss to talk about a memory with my sister in it, but it didn’t spread into the all-consuming grief I was used to. That was odd. Welcome, but odd all the same.

“That’s pretty ingenious,” Haley said. “What were the rewards?”

“Candy, mostly,” I said. “Some eggs had pennies, though.”

“Ooh, pennies.” Her sarcasm was like something I could touch, and I laughed.

“Don’t be fooled; kids love pennies. Other eggs were full of quarters. To be especially cruel, sometimes we’d fill old plastic eggs we’d squirreled away from Easters past with pebbles to simulate the change.”

“The childhood version of you sounds like he was a handful.”

“It was Chelsea’s idea.” I smiled as I camouflaged a yellow egg with dust and positioned it on a small incline studded with rocks. I’d be super impressed if a kid turned that one up. “Other special eggs had dollars in them.”

“Let me guess which ones you worked to hide the best,” Haley said, her hands on her hips, lips puckered with disapproval.

“Oh, no, didn’t work like that,” I said. “Our parents are the ones who stuffed the eggs, and they’d try to weigh down the ones with dollars in them with candies or other coins.”

“That’s sneaky.”

“It was. And if they caught Chelsea or me trying to peek and figure out which eggs had the good stuff, we’d be sidelined for the entire egg hunt.”

“How many times did that happen?”

I held up a finger. “Exactly once and only once.”

“Smart kids. Learned your lesson.”

“We did.” I coordinated the colors of the plastic eggs with coverings for some of the playground equipment. It would’ve been nice to have Chelsea by my side, joking around, helping me find dastardly hiding spots, but I surprised myself again by feeling more fondness and nostalgia than grief and regret. Was this what it was like to move on from tragedy? Did people suddenly wake up one day and find themselves not as broken as before? Was each day after that a little bit easier, another crack in themselves mended? It was a concept I’d never thought would happen for me. I’d grown to accept that the wound Chelsea left would be open for the rest of my life. I didn’t know if it was visiting Rob in the prison or simply Haley’s presence that had redirected me on this path back to my new normal.

“We should organize some kind of adult egg hunt for the bar, don’t you think?” Haley was in the middle of suggesting, rolling an egg into a downspout on the restroom facilities.

“You have my attention,” I told her, taking advantage of some of the landscaping along the edges of the sidewalk to conceal more eggs.

“Well, you’re the one who gave me the idea, with all this crazy hiding and grand prize eggs and stuff,” she said. “We could have candy, of course, but also money. And maybe vouchers for free drinks at the bar in some of the eggs.”

“What if one of the vouchersthe true grand prize egg was a tab covered for the night at the bar?” I asked.

“Holy shit. That could be huge.” Haley grinned at me, shading her eyes against the sun. “Could you imagine how wild people would get, trying to find that egg?”

“We’d definitely have to weigh it down with chocolate or quarters.”

“You’re the expert.” She grinned. “But maybe we should have someone else hide the eggs. I think I’d like to see you going bonkers hunting around for them.”

“Bonkers?”

“You’re a competitive man. I’m betting you’d go completely crazy keeping Sloan or the rest of the guys away from your finds.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever paid for a tab at the bar,” I mused. “The rest of the guys never let me or Sloan.”

“You always give good tips, though,” she said, giving me a fond swat on the rear.

“I’ll bring the idea of an adult egg hunt to the next club meeting,” I said. “Maybe we wouldn’t even have to wait until next Easter. We could make it into a scavenger hunt or something, organize it for the summer or fall. Find another cause to raise funds for.”

“You know, I have to say, when I first realized you guys were in a motorcycle club, I never imagined that you would use that power for good.”

“You watch too much television,” I said, touching the tip of her nose with my finger. “It’s not like we’re running guns or drugs.”

“Or warring over territory with a rival club,” she said, her voice almost wistful.

“You are a nerd,” I said affectionately, planting a kiss on the side of her neck.

“It’s just a fantasy,” she said. “You guys really are amazing. This is a great cause. You’re always doing great things.”

“A fantasy, huh?” I grinned at her, fixating on that point and ignoring the praise. “Are you telling me that you might be turned on by a big, bad biker showing up in your bed one night?”

“A big bad biker I can never tell anyone about,” she said, looking up at me from beneath her lashes. “It would ruin my reputation if anyone knew about us.”

I took a step closer to her. “It would ruin mine, with the MC, if they knew I was infatuated with such a good girl. But I keep returning anyway, time after time, because there’s something there I can’t replicate with anyone else. Are you telling me you’re embarrassed to be seen with me? You’re ashamed of what a bad girl you are in the bedroom?”

Haley licked her lips. “We are so playing this scene. It is happening. You’re too good at this.”

“Even a bad boy can be good for the right girl.” I kissed her on the lips, smiled against her mouth at the hitch of her breath.

“Hey, lovebirds, those eggs aren’t going to hide themselves,” Sloan teased, hefting a large cooler full of meat for the grill. “You’re about to get demoted.”

“We’re on it,” I said, breaking the kiss and rolling my eyes. “Focus on your own shit.”

The egg hunt was, predictably, a resounding success. I had to fussand laugh at Haley for pointing out some of the trickier locations to the little kids as they scampered around, hunting eggs.

“Survival of the fittest out here,” I reminded her, snaking an arm around her waist and tugging her close. “No cheaters allowed.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she grumbled good-naturedly. “I’m going to go grab a plate of food. I’m starving. You want anything?”

“I’ll come over there in a few minutes,” I said. “I love watching the chaos.”

“Yeah, right. You’re going to help out the little kids just as soon as I turn my back on you, aren’t you?”

“I’ll do no such thing,” I said, with dignity, discreetly giving a thumb’s up to a child who’d successfully navigated the spikes of the cacti where I’d planted some eggs. I held up my pointer finger to indicate that there was one more, and she diligently resumed her search.

“Hey, I saw that,” Haley said, laughing as she kissed me. I watched her walk across the park toward Ace, who had pulled grill duty again, wondering how I had a right to be so happy, the good fortune to be so lucky. None of it made sense, but I rolled with it. It was better not to ask too many questions when such good things were happening.

“Got it,” the little girl said, holding the egg up to me triumphantly.

“That’s a good one,” I said, solemn, nodding.

“It has a prize?” she asked, excited. Some of the prizesscrawled on slips of paper included bicycles, basket arrangements of candy, sporting equipment, art supplies, and even a pizza party at the parlor the next town over.

“The prize is that you were so brave in getting it,” I said, offering my hand for a high five. I honestly didn’t know which ones were the prize eggs. Like my childhood egg hunts, it made everything a little more honest if I didn’t know where the special ones were.

The little girl scampered away, and I watched the movement of the other kids around the park. Everyone was having a good time, even the kids who’d decided to take an impromptu break from the hunting to play on the playground equipment. They might get lucky, too, if they spotted what was hidden there. The older egg hunters were focusing on the main street, supervised by adult volunteers, some off-duty county police officers pressed into volunteering by Katie, Brody, and Jack. Well, Jack could be anywhere. He generally preferred his freedom at our fundraisers, filling in here and there and talking with attendees. I noticed Katie on the far end of the park, where the egg hunt transitioned from the urban experience to the rural. She was laughing at a group of kids who were too excited to wait until the end of the egg hunt to begin opening their eggs. One of them was waving a slip of paper around in the air like it was a golden ticket, and I knew it was a prize slip. Was he excited about a bicycle, or a pizza party? It was hard to tell, but the joy was something pure, something that made me smile, too.

A man passed in front the happy group, and my smile faded a little. He was familiar, somehow, though he seemed like he didn’t belong. His face was clouded with anger, the joy of everyone around him seemingly not rubbing off on him.

“Son of a bitch,” I murmured, my hands tightening into fists of their own accord as I made a positive identification. It was the guy from the bar fight, the one who’d been rough with Haley. What in God’s name was he doing back here? He still had ugly bruising and a swollen nose thanks to my knuckles. For a moment, I let myself believe that he was back here to make amends. To tell Haley and me and the rest of the guys that he was sorry for getting into it with us that night, that he’d been drunk and stupid and he’d recently reformed his ways because of it.

Then, I watched his expression darken even further as he spotted Haley from across the park, closer to her than I was, and the cadence of his stride told me that this wasn’t a friendly social call. Fuck.

I was moving before I realized my feet were pounding the ground beneath them, Haley, as of yet, oblivious to the storm rolling toward her. All I knew was that I had to reach him before he got to her. If he hurt her again, like his face told me he was looking to, I didn’t think I could hold my temper. Even if someone was there to pull me back, I couldn’t guarantee I would stop.

I loved Haley too much to see her get hurt, to allow this asshole to have another try at getting to her, whatever his obsession might have been.

“Hey!” I roared, waving my arms to get his attention as I ran. I would’ve added a curse, a crappy name to ensure his attention was on me instead of her, but there were too many children around for that. “Hey!”

He turned just as I barreled into him, and I vaguely saw Haley turn from the grill, surprise and horror etched onto her features, as both the guy and me went down hard onto the sidewalk.

“Get off me, motherfucker,” he snarled, apparently not caring about corrupting the ears of the kids who scattered from around us.

“Watch your mouth, or I’ll wash it out with sand,” I said, pressing his face into the ground. “What the hell do you think you’re doing.”

“I’m here for my wife,” he said, the words muffled but still angry. “And I’m going to talk to her whether you like it or not.”

“You’re full of shit,” I said, my voice calm in the face of this lunacy. “You came because you want to try to hurt Haley again, and I’ll die before I let that happen.”

Something unexpected a harsh laugh. “She has you wound around her little finger, doesn’t she? She’s manipulative like that. I would know. She did the same to me.”

“You’re going to have to be really careful about what you say next,” I informed him. “It looks like your face isn’t fully healed from our last encounter.”

“Is there a problem here?” Katie was bent over, watching us scuffle on the ground. “Stay back, kiddos. Way over there. There aren’t any eggs over here. They’ve all been found. Oh. It’s this fuck-face.”

“Bitch,” the guy hissed.

“That’s not nice,” Katie said mildly. “I’d just like to inform you that your presence here is a direct threat to the woman you threatened the last time you were in town, and the people you assaulted. Are you looking to go to jail today, sir? Haven’t you had enough?”

“I’m going to talk to my wife,” he roared, squirming in my hold so furiously that he landed an elbow right in my gut. I barely kept my hold on him, but a nasty snapping sound made him still.

“I don’t know who you think your wife is, jackass, but I see you remember my Taser,” Katie said pleasantly, as if she were commenting on the weather or her plans for the weekend. “Make another move and I’ll see to it that you get reacquainted with it. Intimately.”

“Is this a party I’m missing?” Ace had joined the fray, but I was dismayed to see that Haley had come with him, her eyes wide and wild, standing slightly behind him.

“Get her away from here,” I told Ace, wheezing. “It’s the same idiot who tried to jump her in the bar earlier this year. He’s out of his mind. Says they’re married, or something.”

“Gross,” Ace said in a carefully constructed conversational tone. To the casual listener, he might’ve been joking, but I knew he was doing police work, trying to figure this all out just like I would’ve been if I wasn’t so confused. “Haley, you have some terrible taste in men Chuck excluded, of course.”

“You fucking this one, whore?” the guy demanded, lunging forward. Katie’s brandished Taser was the only thing that kept him on the ground with me. I was still trying to catch my breath from the elbow.

“Don’t call her a whore,” Katie instructed him. “You don’t even know her.”

“He does know me.” Haley’s voice shook a little, but the words were clear enough. “We were married.”

“We are married, is what you mean,” he said. “And it’s past time for you to come on home. You’ve had your fun.”

Shock reigned, for me, and it was only by some sort of grace that I managed to keep my hold on this guy. Was this true, or was I hallucinating the entire thing? Was Haley actually married? What the hell was going on?

“I’m not going anywhere, Jared,” Haley said, and like that, the monster had a name. “You lost the right to call me your wife the moment you first hit me. We’re through.”

“We’re not through. I haven’t granted you a divorce yet, and maybe I never will. Not with the way you’ve been misbehaving.”

“Haley, is this man your husband?” Katie asked calmly, not taking her eyes off Jared.

“We were married, yes.”

“We are married, slut.”

“I don’t care what you are to her,” I growled in his ear, too low for anyone else but him to hear it. “If you call her another name, I will choke you out. You think anyone here can stop me, if I really put my mind to something?”

“We’re estranged,” Haley was saying. “He, um, wouldn’t grant me a divorce. So I left.”

“Do you want to speak with him right now?”

“No. No, I don’t.”

“Are you feeling threatened by his presence?”

“Yes. Very.”

“Excellent.” Katie took a step back. “Chuck, Ace, help get this asshole up. You’re done today, sir, do you hear me? You’re going to jail. You’re not going to get a chance to hurt this woman again.”

“I have rights,” he bellowed as I pushed him and Ace pulled him, Katie never pointing the Taser away from him. “She’s my wife. Mine. She belongs to me.”

“I think you forfeited those rights, sir, when you raised your hand against her,” Katie said. “Haley, do you want to press charges against this fucker? Because I really, really think you want to press charges against this fucker.”

“I…” I was surprised to see Haley hesitating, biting her lip.

“I’ll put him in the back of a cruiser right now, if you say yes,” Katie said, maintaining a level stare at Jared.

“Okay. Okay, fine.”

“Hear that, asshole? You’re finished. Let’s go.” Word must have spread about the altercation, because I recognized a few of the other off-duty police officers heading over toward us in a beeline. A far-off siren told me the cruiser Katie had promised Jared was well on its way.

“This isn’t over, Haley,” Jared warned her. “Not by a long shot.”

“Have you heard about your right to remain silent, and that anything you say can be used against you?” Katie asked brightly, Ace helping her shove Jared along toward the other officers.

Haley and I just stood there, numb to everything. Even the spot where I’d taken an elbow to the gut wasn’t hurting as badly as it should’ve been. It was probably because I was in shock.

“So it’s true?” I asked her, studying her for a reaction. “That guy was your husband?”

“A long time ago, he was.” She wouldn’t look at me, and I hated that. I didn’t know who was standing in front of me right now. “I guess he still is, technically.”

“Okay,” I said, scrubbing at my eyes. “Okay. I’m just going to…okay.” I had no idea what I was supposed to do with this.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice halting. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

I shook my head. “That’s not good enough, Haley.”

“I know it’s not.” She hiccupped into a sob. “I know it’s not.” I’d never seen Haley completely deflated before. I’d seen her scared. I’d seen her sassy. I’d seen her in ways I never thought I would, gazing up at me from beneath her eyelashes, blond hair spread out on the pillow beneath her head, telling me that she loved me. But the woman who couldn’t look me in the eyes was emptied out, all her secrets laid bare to people she wasn’t willing or ready to tell.

Me, especially.

“Please say something,” she said, still staring at the ground. She gave me a quick glance, flinched at whatever she saw. “Don’t just stand there with that expression on your face.”

I tried my best to smooth my features out into something neutral, but I had no idea what she was seeing there, what bothered her so terribly.

I knew what bothered me so terribly.

“Haley, all this time you’ve been telling me to trust you, telling me that I needed to open up to you, and you haven’t been doing me the same courtesy.”

Across the park, Katie was pushing Jared into the back of a patrol car none too gently, and Haley wrapped her arms around herself like she was cold, even if it was a nice day. My knee-jerk reaction was to offer her my jacket, but it was so warm outside that I wasn’t wearing one. My second inclination was to reach out and try to wrap her in my arms, use my own body heat to try and stave off whatever had chilled her, but my hands stayed firmly at my sides, pinned by tiredness and indecision.

“Can we talk about this somewhere else?” Her teeth actually chattered as she asked the question, and I worried suddenly, amid my hurt, my betrayal, that she might be in shock.

“Do you actually want to talk about this?”

“No, not really, if I’m being honest.”

I exhaled, heavy. “Okay.” I turned from her and began walking to the street, not caring if the Easter party would continue after the police cars rolled away, intent only on getting on my bike and getting out of here.

“Chuck, wait. Please. Don’t go.”

God, I wanted to ignore that voice. But ignoring Haley, no matter how badly she’d hurt me, how confused I was about what had so suddenly happened, was as easy as willing my heart to stop beating.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked, not bothering to turn around. “What do you want from me?”

“To stay. Stay with me.”

“I think I really want to go, Haley.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“Yes. I think that would be best.”

“Are you…are you angry at me?”

“Just tired.” I was. I felt tired enough that it lessened the hurt, the isolation, and maybe that was a benefit. A gift, even.

“I wish you would stay.”

“I wish I could, too.”

“Then stay.”

But it was better to put some distance between us right now. I knew that, and I was pretty sure Haley knew that, too. Maybe a weaker man would’ve stayed. If I stayed, though, I was pretty sure I would say things that I would regret, things I wouldn’t be able to take back. Things maybe I wouldn’t want to take back.

“I really want to go home,” I said, as Haley sidled around me.

“Can I come?”

“I think it’s best if I go alone.”

“Are you leaving me?”

The question was so plaintive that I wished I could swallow down all my feelings and forget about the way her omissions had made me feel. The trust I’d lost in her. I wished I could just box that up and compartmentalize it and never have to examine it again, but I wasn’t that kind of man.

“Just for right now,” I said. “But we can talk later. Tomorrow, maybe.”

Her arms tightened around her body before they shot out, hands clinging to my body, fingernails cutting into my skin in a desperation that stunned me and almost startled me into jumping.

“Please. Please don’t leave me. I can’t please don’t leave me.”

Fuck. “Okay. Okay, sweetheart, don’t cry.” God, I couldn’t stand to see her cry, no matter how I felt about all of this. “Everything’s fine, let’s go. We’re going together. Let’s get out of here.”

The only reason I felt confident to take her on my motorcycle was just how tightly she was gripping me. I was sure she wasn’t going to even think about letting go. I’d been honest with her, though. I would’ve preferred not to be around Haley right now, but I just couldn’t walk away from her like that, crying and desperate and reeling just as much as I was.

My place wasn’t far from the park, and the ride flew by since I dreaded arriving, dreaded having to face Haley to try and unravel the mess we had suddenly become. How had everything about this day started off so perfectly? It had been too good to be true, hadn’t it? I had been too happy for too long. A person like me wasn’t supposed to end up happy. That just wasn’t in the cards for me.

I escorted Haley to my door like she was a stranger, letting her in reluctantly, out of politeness.

“I think I’m going to go lie down,” I said, closing the door behind her. “I’m feeling really tired. Exhausted. Maybe I’m coming down with something. I’m going to take a nap.” A nap sounded good right now, a blank expanse of nothingness stretched out in front of me. A place to escape from all the feelings at war within me. The only problem was that I wasn’t sure I could sleep. “Do whatever you want. Make yourself at home. There’s probably food in the fridge. I’m guessing you didn’t get to eat at the Easter party, with everything that… Beer. There’s probably beer in the fridge, too.” My thoughts and words were disjointed, and I wondered if Haley even understood any of this. I certainly didn’t.

She stepped in front of me, and I realized I’d just been standing there, in the middle of the kitchen, like a man concussed. I had hit the ground awfully hard when I tackled Jared away from her. Maybe I did knock my brain loose a little bit.

“Kiss me,” she begged. “Let’s just forget about all of this for right now. Just kiss me.”

I did what she asked, but when her hand reached for me, lower, I stopped her.

“Haley, we need to talk about this,” I said. “I’m sorry if you don’t want to, but unless you want me to take you home”

“No, please! Don’t send me away, Chuck. I couldn’t bear it.”

Why did I feel like such an asshole right now? Was I the asshole? What was I missing?

“All I’m saying,” I started again, after a deep breath, “is that we should talk about what happened. I know that it must be painful for you to talk about, but I would really like to understand. Can you help me understand?”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what you want to know.”

“Just help me not be so confused right now. Please.”

We were standing there like fools, begging each other for things that probably weren’t possible. Everything felt like it was spiraling outward, spiraling out of control, and the only way I could think of to try and stop it was to talk our way through it, as painful as it might become. As much as I maybe didn’t want to know the truth.

“Start at the beginning,” I said, keeping my voice light. I took Haley by the hand and led her to the sofa, getting her to sit on one end so I could take the other, have a little bit of objective distance from the situation.

“I’m not sure what the beginning should be,” she said. “I can’t tell you when it all started.”

“Tell me when you met him. Jared. That’s his name, right?”

“Yes. That’s his name.”

“You married him.”

“I was young,” she said. “And stupid. God, so stupid.”

“It’s okay. Just tell me the facts. Like you’re making a list, okay?” I remembered talking a woman who had been in a car wreck through the circumstances of it just like this. One step at a time. How did you get from point A to point B? How would Haley and I ever get past this? No, that was about point Z, if not beyond. I couldn’t think about that right now. Right now, I just needed to stop thinking and listen.

“I had just graduated high school,” she said, shuddering. “I met Jared at a bar. I had a fake ID, and he was very charming. I…fell for him. Hard. Didn’t think anything of it when he shoved me around a little bit. My dad shoved my mom around all the time, and she’d hit back, and they’d scream at each other, but everything would be okay in the morning. I thought that was just how those things worked. Every time it happened, Jared would apologize. Tell me he wouldn’t do it again. Buy me presents, tell me how much he loved me, what would happen if he ever lost me. God, I must sound so stupid to you.”

“You don’t sound stupid. Just keep thinking about the list, sweetheart. One thing happened, then another thing happened. That’s how we’ll get through this.” Because I needed that list. I needed to listen, and not think about the implication of everything.

“The first night he hit meand I mean really hit me he cried. Sobbed. Wept so much that even with a bloody nose, I ended up being the one who was comforting him, when it should’ve been the other way around. We were married within the month. Eloped, really. And the hitting… It never stopped.”

She looked down at her hands for so long I wondered if she forgot she was talking.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked her. “How about that beer?”

“Whatever,” she said. “I don’t care. Whatever you have.”

I stepped away from her and stood motionless in the kitchen for a while before deciding to fix coffee. It would take a few moments to brew, give me more time to process this, to figure out what to do in this situation. Why had Haley refused to disclose any of this to me? It was such an enormous secret that it almost didn’t seem real, but what would be the motive for making up something like this? Everything was backward, and all I could do was pour steaming coffee into a pair of mugs and carry them back to the sofa.

Even with the beverage in her hands, Haley was silent. Maybe she needed a break from all that talking. I was about to give her a gentle prod, remind her that all she needed to do was continue from point A to point B, keep going with her list, when she began to speak again.

“I didn’t want to be that woman. I never wanted to be that woman.” She stared into her mug of coffee like it might give her the right words to say. “I moved away from Jared…from my husband…because I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to forget about the things he’d done to me, about the person I had become. I wanted to be someone who didn’t take shit from anyone. I never wanted any of you to know who I really was.”

“And who are you, Haley? Who are you, really?”

She shrugged, eyes not leaving the coffee. “A woman who let her husband beat on her. A woman who didn’t leave.”

“But you did leave.”

“Not nearly soon enough,” she said, shaking her head. “It went on and on. I should’ve left the first time he did it, and I didn’t. I never thought I would be that woman. I thought it was impossible to be that woman, and then I woke up, a year after the first time he’d hit me, and I realized I was.”

Haley was trembling and I gently took the mug from her and set it on the table in front of us.

“You think less of me, now,” she said. “I can see it on your face. You think I’m weak. I’m stupid.”

“You’re wrong,” I said, my voice soft, the wheels in my head turning. “You’re not weak, and you’re not stupid. And I don’t think less of you.”

“But you’re angry.”

“I’m upset,” I allowed. “Can I tell you why?”

“I can guess why.”

“You can. But I’d like to explain, if you want to hear it.”

Haley stayed quiet, and I took that as an invitation.

“The reason why I’m upsetwhy I wanted to spend a little time apart from you was because I was shocked.”

“Shocked that I’m an idiot.”

“No. Shocked that you thought you needed to hide something like this from us. From me.”

“I told you.” She fidgeted and picked up the coffee mug again, probably just to have something in her hands. I was afraid she was going to spill it and burn herself, but I tried to trust her to know what she needed, even if she’d kept all of this from me. “I didn’t want to be judged to be that kind of woman. The one who wouldn’t leave the source of her pain. The one who was too weak and stupid to do it.”

“Haley, I’m going to say this thing one time, okay? And one time should be enough.” I knelt on the floor in front of her, mindful of the coffee, and looked at her until she met my eyes. “There is exactly one person, and one person only, who is to blame for any of this, and that man is the one Katie put in the back of a police cruiser. Do you understand me? You are not responsible for his actions. Only he is.”

“Then why do I feel so bad about it?”

“Because it was a bad thing that happened. No one should have to go through that, the person they love betraying them like that.”

Haley took a small sip of the coffee, and it seemed to fortify her. “But you’re still upset.”

“Upset that you didn’t trust me. That you don’t trust me.”

“I’m trying, Chuck. I’m trying. It’s so hard.”

“The thing is, though, Haley, that this is a two-way street, you and me. You’ve been encouraging me to open up to you, to tell you things I might otherwise would’ve kept to myself, and you haven’t placed the same kind of trust in me.”

“It’s different. Everything is different.”

“What’s different about two people being honest with each other?”

“Your situation is different from mine.”

“Not so very much,” I said. “Not very different at all.”

“I never told anyone because I wanted to get away from it,” she said. “And when you told me about your sister, and we continued to grow closer, I knew that I would never tell you.”

“That’s not fair to either of us, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know how to make this right. I don’t know what to do, Chuck.”

“Trust me. Put your trust in me. Let me help you in the same way you’ve helped me.”

She shook her head, tears welling in her eyes, unseeing. “I haven’t helped you. You’re wrong. I blundered along, hurting you with every turn. I should’ve known better because I couldn’t even help myself out of my own situation, but I just kept staggering along.”

“Haley, you did help me.” I took a deep breath, let it out again. Did a few more times, for good measure. “You got me to go to the prison, to speak with Rob Shepard. That was a step I hadn’t thought to take for myself, and it helped.”

“It hurt you. I remember.”

“It gave me perspective. It gave me hope that Chelsea’s death wouldn’t be for nothing. That something in her had stuck with him enough to make him a better person, the next time he gets a chance to live outside of those prison walls. And it made me get back in contact with my parents, all of those feelings I was sorting through. And we’re speaking again.”

Haley blinked at me, a twin trail of tears coursing down her cheeks. “You’re back in contact with your parents? I didn’t know that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said. “It’s a recent development.”

“That’s…that’s wonderful. It’s really good.” She dabbed at her eyes with one hand, and I took the opportunity to slip the coffee mug out of the other hand again.

“It’s a start,” I allowed, careful not to be overly enthusiastic about it. “And something I wouldn’t have without you.”

“When I asked him for a divorce, he nearly killed me,” Haley said, picking up the thread of her narrative again without warning. Like it was simply time for her to finish her story. “That’s when I left. When I knew it really wasn’t going to get any better. That he wasn’t going to change like he promised he would. I knew he’d never let me have the divorce, that he’d kill me before granting it. And I just wanted to be someone else. Somewhere else. And I found a good life here in Rio Seco. Good people, too.”

“I understand why you didn’t tell people,” I said. “That kind of thing is really hard. I just wish you would’ve told me sooner. That’s all.”

“I get it, Chuck, if you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

I blinked at her. “What?”

She shrugged. “I understand it if you don’t want this. Our relationship.”

“Haley, I love you.”

“And I love you. But being with me, now that you know…that would be a lot to handle. A lot for you to deal with. You didn’t know what you were getting yourself in to at the beginning of all of this, so it’s not fair to hold you to anything. If you want out, there’s no hard feelings. I would still like to be friends, if you think it’s possible, because you’re an important person in my life, but”

I had no idea what she said next, because I lunged forward and mashed my lips against hers if only to halt the flow of regret streaming from her mouth. When we parted to come up for air, both of us were panting with something between exertion and emotion. It was difficult to tell.

“Is that…is that the best you can do for a goodbye kiss?” she asked, touching her lips with a trembling hand.

“That wasn’t a goodbye kiss.”

“Chuck …”

“You’re missing the big picture, Haley. I don’t know if you really don’t see it or if you just don’t want to see it.” I took her hands in mine. They were still shaking. “It’s like I said before. It’s a two-way street. Or the door swings both ways. Pick whatever analogy you’d like. Whichever one makes better sense to you. Because there you were, aware that I’d lost my sister to domestic violence when you had experienced it intimately, on a firsthand basis, and you loved me all the same.”

“It’s not …”

“It is the same,” I said, enunciating carefully. “You don’t think I’m capable of that kind of love? Sweetheart, I was shocked because all of this exploded like a bombshell. But it didn’t make me love you any less. It just helped me get to know you better.”

She huffed out a laugh that ended more like a sob. “That’s a pretty generous way of seeing things.”

“It’s the only way things are,” I told her. “You’re not any different because of what happened, what we all found out today. Not to me.”

“I don’t know if I can do it, Chuck. I don’t know if I can face everyone, knowing that they know. I don’t know if I can still be with you, as sweet as you’re being. As much as I love you. I hate that you know.”

“I hate that it happened to you,” I said. “I hate that people think it’s acceptable to do that to other human beings. And I hate that they get away with it. But I love you, Haley.”

“I love you, too.”

“Well, then?”

“Well, what?”

I unfolded her hands, kissed each of the palms. “I don’t see why we can’t just take the wait-and-see approach.”

“Wait and see?”

“Do you want me to take you home right now?”

“No. I want to stay here with you. I don’t want to be alone.”

“And how do you think you’ll feel, say, tomorrow?”

“The same.” She frowned to herself. “Probably.”

“Let’s just hold off on making any rash decisions for now,” I said. “I love you. We have a good thing going. Don’t let Jared ruin a single additional moment of your life, do you hear me?”

“I hear you.”

I kissed her on her lips again, an exclamation point to everything I felt.

 

It didn’t all get better all at once. You could tell a person you loved them over and over again, but it wasn’t a magical spell. You got over traumatic things with a lot of love, sure, but with patience, too, and hard work. And time. Time was the key ingredient.

Time for Haley to decompress. To process. To remember, and to forget. For things to become a little more bearable. To let the wheels of justice crank against her husband. To celebrate the fact that he was now her ex.

To return to work at the bar and find that everyone was treating her normally, teasing her and laughing with her and proving to her that nothing had changed, that she was still a beloved member of the Horizon family, even if she wasn’t an official part of the MC.

I bore witness to all of it, the passage of time, the slow seepage of spring into early summer, comforting her when she needed it, stepping back when she needed that, too. I just wanted to be there for her in the same way the rest of the guys had been there for me, when I needed someone stronger to lean on. Through it all, I just kept loving her. That was all there was to it. I kept loving her and she kept loving me, and that could get anyone through just about anything.

And late one night, at the Horizon MC Bar, when I looked over at her, across the room, the tray of drinks held high as she wove her way around the tables, never taking her eyes off me, her lips spreading into a slow smile, I knew that everything had been worth it.

I knew she was the one, and the way she was looking at me, I was betting she was feeling something close to the swell of emotion in my own heart.