Chapter Twenty-Two
Pauline found me as I was leaving the library with a book in hand. Fiction, this time. I badly needed to lose myself in someone else’s struggles. Perhaps when their situation resolved itself to satisfaction, I would find the courage to set my future on a path I found palatable. Despite the fact that the Season had officially come to its close yesterday, Papa had yet to eject me from the house. Perhaps Mother had managed to talk sense into him, after all.
“Miss Francine, you have a visitor down in the front parlor.”
I clutched the book to my chest. Was Mary right—could Society have forgiven me for the scandal I’d caused? Once they heard of the way I’d spurned Lord Cheswick’s nephew, they might reconsider.
“Who is it?” Mary or Rose would have walked in to try to find me themselves; given recent visits, Julian would have snuck into the garden.
“Grimsby said her name is Miss Danby.”
Alyssa? I felt the blood drain from my face. The edges of my vision looked a bit gray and my ears rang. Why would she be here?
I knew why. We had been friends, once upon a time, before Papa had moved the family to London permanently. Alyssa was here for the polite visit Julian should have made when he’d arrived in Town.
Pauline gripped my elbow. “Miss Francine, are you all right? Is your ankle giving you pain?”
No. For once, the blasted appendage seemed to be well on the mend. “Did Grimsby tell her I was at home? Or did she ask for Mother perhaps?” My voice was weak. I leaned against the wall.
I didn’t want to go down and face her. I couldn’t.
“She asked for you directly. Grimsby said you were at home, but I can say you’re abed with a headache. Perhaps you ought to lie down for a moment, after all.”
I pressed my lips together and shook my head. Alyssa was my friend—or she had been. To pretend I was ill when she called would be a grievous insult, especially considering how long it had been since we were in close enough proximity to visit. I had to face her with my head held high, even if she was set to marry the man I loved.
Did she appreciate him? I hoped she would. Julian was loyal to the bone. He worked hard, even if his teasing attitude might not make it seem that way. He’d put his heart and soul into that plot of land he farmed. I’d never seen it. Now, if Alyssa was to be its mistress, I doubt I ever would. It was painful enough to face her, knowing that she would soon be married to Julian. But to face her after she had known the same intimacy with him that I had? Impossible.
I steeled myself. “How do I look?”
Pauline frowned. “You’ve been down in the hothouse, haven’t you? Come, I’ll tidy you up a bit.”
That must mean I’d gotten a bit of dirt on my hands, face, or dress that I couldn’t see. I submitted to her willingly. Once she’d neatened my appearance, I thanked her and ventured below stairs to face the dragon.
The moment I saw her, my heart broke again. Why did she have to be beautiful? She’d always been a bit of a gangly child, all elbows and knees, with an elfin shape to her face. Womanhood had been kind to her, filling out her figure and giving a bit more softness to her face. It was still much the same shape, her sharp chin and the shape of her mouth giving her a mischievous air. Her copper hair spilled from the knot in the back of her head to frame her face in perfect corkscrew curls. She was so beautiful she might have been a porcelain doll. Compared to her, I was an unruly weed. Julian would forget about me in a month. If Alyssa had grown up the same kind woman she had been as a child, there was no way he could avoid falling in love with her.
When she saw me, she stood with a smile. My stomach threatened to turn itself inside out, but I tried to smile back.
I can’t do this.
I was doing a lot of things lately that I didn’t think I was capable of. Instead of turning on my heel and fleeing to my bedroom, I entered and embraced her.
“It’s been too long,” she whispered, bending down to hug me. Her voice was warm.
Alyssa. One of my best friends as a child. We’d grown apart as her letters became fewer and fewer, but seeing her brought those old feelings to the surface. I’d loved her like a sister.
I tried to contain my unease as we settled side by side on the settee. Fortunately, Pauline entered with a tray of tea, and I was able to busy myself fixing two cups. As I handed one to Alyssa, she smiled again.
“You look well.”
Did I? I felt seconds away from unraveling.
“So do you.”
She smiled again, but it looked strained. Belatedly, I recalled that she’d lost the man she loved, too. Forever. At least Julian was still alive.
I set down my cup and laid my hand over hers. “I’m so sorry about Joseph. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.”
Alyssa’s eyes welled with tears. She stared into her cup. “I’ll always love him,” she admitted, her voice hoarse.
I knew precisely how she felt. No matter what happened between Julian and me, I didn’t think anyone could come close to replacing him in my heart. He was more than a lover; he was my dearest, closest friend. The one person who knew everything about me and never judged me for it.
“Don’t punish Julian for that.”
I winced as the plea left my lips. She’d gone through so much, and it might not be my place to tell her how to conduct her life, but didn’t he deserve happiness, too? What little he could find. I still hadn’t purged myself of the memory of him crying on my shoulder. Surely, if they were friends, they had a chance to be happy? Not the blissful happiness that would be assured if I married him instead, but at the very least he wouldn’t be miserable.
I pulled my hand away. “Forgive me. I didn’t mean to intrude where I don’t belong, but…it isn’t his fault this happened. He might not be Joseph, but…treat him well.” Before even more impolite words poured out, I pressed my lips tight. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to face her, after all.
When she raised her gaze, her eyes shone with unshed tears. “It’s true, then. What your mother said?”
Mother? I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Your mother came to visit me this morning. She said…” Alyssa sighed. “She said some things I hadn’t considered. Francine, how long have you been in love with Julian?”
My face churned with heat. Embarrassment, shame, guilt. I felt exposed, uprooted. Instead of answering, I looked down. How could I answer when I didn’t know myself? I’d only realized it this past week, but the truth… He’d been a constant in my life for so long that I hadn’t realized when I’d come to rely on him in that way.
Apparently, she could read the look on my face, because she answered herself. “For that long, is it? Julian said much the same thing when I asked.” She roughened her voice. “‘When haven’t I been in love with her?’” For a moment her eyes danced, before a cloud passed over them and dimmed her expression. “I never even considered it. I mean, I know you and he were all but inseparable when we were young—except of course when you were squabbling, which I suppose was just as often—but that was a decade ago. Truthfully, I didn’t even think of you at all and when the truth was pointed out to me…” She looked down. “I suppose I assumed that you lost touch with him the way you did with me.”
She babbled just as much as she’d used to. The barrage of words washed over me. Julian had been in love with me for years? I wished he’d committed as much to letter. Truthfully, I didn’t know how my life would have changed if I’d known, but I’d like to think we would have had more time together. Perhaps he might even have proposed before his brother went off to war.
I didn’t want to lose myself in the fantasy, so I said weakly, “We corresponded weekly until…well, I suppose until the news of Joseph arrived home.” Although a part of me wanted to explain myself and apologize for taking liberties with the man who would be her husband, I didn’t feel the least bit of remorse. I cared for him more than she ever could.
Alyssa suddenly looked hollow. A tattered paper doll near to falling apart. She placed her cup back in its saucer. It rattled as she reached forward to set it on the table, untouched. She clenched her hands in her lap.
“I would do anything to have Joseph back. I’m not going to cause that kind of misery, especially not to you and Julian. I’ve called off the engagement.”
My ears rang. Was I dreaming? “You…have? But Joseph—”
Her lips thinned. A dimple winked to life next to her mouth. “If Joseph would have bothered to ask me what I wanted, I would have told him not to go.” Her voice ended on a high note and she broke into tears.
I hugged her while she cried. Our tea got cold so I had to ring for more to soothe her throat once she was able to speak again. For well over an hour, she entertained me by sharing the news of everything I’d missed in the country during the decade I’d been in Town. Most of it, I already knew from Julian’s letters, but it was entertaining to hear her version of the same tales. By the time she left, I was battling nostalgia and disappointment at the thought that she would soon be gone from London. I missed Leicestershire.
I sat on the settee, fiddling with my empty teacup in its saucer as I mulled over what Alyssa had told me. Mother had gone to speak with her. She and Julian were no longer engaged. I should be happy, bubbling over with joy. But…why hadn’t Julian delivered the news himself? If our situations had been reversed, the very first thing I would have done was run to him and ask him to marry me.
Did he not envision a future with me? He loved me. At least, so I’d thought.
Perhaps Alyssa had begged him to allow her to deliver the news. She hadn’t said. In any case, I owed Mother a token of my gratitude. Did I have any plants that she didn’t also possess in her collection? Only the azalea clipping I’d taken from Lady Semelparity’s garden. Perhaps I’d give it to Mother. If nothing else, her actions had given me hope.
At any hour of the day, Mother was most likely to be found in the hothouse. I hurried there, patting beneath my eyes and hoping I didn’t look like I’d been crying. Although I was still heartsore over Julian’s absence, I tried not to let it show. He must have a good reason.
When I stepped into the hothouse, I stopped short. The door clanked shut behind me with more force than necessary. I winced at the sound, turning to check that no damage had been done. The door and nearby plants were in perfect condition.
I turned back to the scene. Mother sat on a stool in front of my worktable. Julian rested on the one next to her. He cut short what looked to be a heartfelt conversation and jumped up.
“Francine!”
His expression brightened from serious to delighted. It seemed to light the air like sunshine. In two long strides, he reached me at the door and swept me into his arms, twirling me around. When he set me on the ground, I braced myself against his biceps as I found my balance.
“Alyssa released me from my vow. Well”—he chuckled—“she said she wouldn’t have me even if I wanted her. I’m a free man.”
He had come to tell me, after all. Only, it appeared as though he’d snuck into the gardens again instead of using the front door. Mother must have found him, or else he’d hidden in the hothouse once he discovered that I wasn’t outside.
“I kno—”
My statement was cut short as he pulled me flush against him and kissed me until my toes curled. I didn’t mind at all. When he lifted his head, I couldn’t recall what I’d been about to say, either.
He lowered himself to one knee and took my hand. “I don’t want to be a free man. I have and I always will be yours. Francine Annesley, will you make me the happiest of men and become my wife?” His smile wavered a bit at the corners as he added, “Provided your father will accept me, of course.”
Him, I would marry with or without Papa’s permission. The only thing that mattered was that we still had each other. Though, given his adamancy that Julian marry me once the scandal arose, I doubted that he would oppose the match now.
Mother confirmed, “Let me handle that. I’ll ensure that he accepts.”
Both she and Julian looked at me expectantly, waiting for my answer. I swallowed around the lump in my throat before I could speak. “Of course I’ll marry you, Julian. But only if you’ll make me the happiest of women.”
Smiling, he stood and kissed me again soundly. Leaning his forehead against mine, he continued to hold me as he whispered, “That is a promise I most definitely will keep. I love you, Francine.”
“I love you, too.”
We always had. And now it was assured that we always would.