What is that God-awful beeping sound?
And why does my body feel light, pain-free and warm? I don’t get it. The last thing I remember is the darkness, the tight hand gripping my throat.
At least, I think that’s what happened, I’m not sure. Everything seems foggy, like a dream drifting in and out of realms.
Turning, my eyes burn from the bright light, and I shield them with my hands. The light seems to lessen and when I open my eyes, I gasp.
Spinning in a circle, I smile, feeling the warmth on my face. I’m in our meadow. Mine and Dean’s, and it’s heavenly.
Bright-coloured flowers blossom from the ground, the grass greener than I’ve ever seen it, and dandelions float in the air like mist around me. The place is unreal. Even the trees look taller, brighter, and the feeling of happiness and love consumes me.
This is heaven. It has to be.
“Not quite,” my mother’s voice muses, and I spin around so fast I nearly fall over.
“Mom?” I croak, looking and finding it’s really her. She’s standing in the meadow not far from where I am, Dad by her side. “Dad?”
“It’s us, doll,” he whispers, his voice choked up.
I run through the flowers and throw my arms around them, a sob breaking free. They smell just like I remembered, but they look different. They look healthy, care-free and happy.
“I’ve missed you so much. I hate that you’re gone, that you’re not there,” I choke out and pull away, wanting to look at my parents’ faces again. My mom’s hair looks longer, shinier, and I smile when she smiles at me, running her fingers through my own. I glance to my dad and my eyes water when I find his green ones, like mine, staring down at me. “What am I doing here? Am I dead? Please don’t leave me, not again,” I cry and fall to my knees. The ground softens and I choke back a gasp, finding a blanket of pillows beneath me instead.
As if reading my mind, my mom sits down, reaching for my hand. “You’re in between. You’re neither dead nor alive. Anything you want, or think of, or need will appear to your heart’s content.”
“But how? How are you here?” I ask, looking at them. “God, I love you and miss you so much.”
I’m still in shock, in awe, and I can’t keep my eyes off them. My dad takes my other hand, and together we sit in a circle, holding each other.
“LoLo, we don’t have a lot of time,” Mom whispers sadly.
“No! You can’t leave me. Not again,” I tell them vehemently, shaking my head.
“We love you and miss you every day, sweet girl, but now is not your time,” Dad says, squeezing my hand.
“What do you mean?” I ask, wiping my tears.
“You have to wake up. You need to. Your life isn’t meant to be over. You’ve still got so much to achieve and give,” Mom finishes.
“No, please no. I can’t leave you. Can you come with me?” I cry, begging them. Tears fill their eyes as they look at me and I feel small, like the eleven-year-old girl I was when I lost them.
“We’ve never really left you, my girl. We’ve always been watching over you. We’ve watched you fight and pull through so much, and you can do it again this time. You’re strong, Lola, and we’re so proud of you.”
“But Dad, I let him do those things.”
He shakes his head sadly. “No, girl, you didn’t. You are strong, fierce and when you love, you give it your all, but you were so lost. You were still mourning us, and Dean and his family,” he tells me.
I gasp. “Dean. Will I see him again?” I cry.
“You need to wake up. He’s waiting for you. He’s going out of his mind with worry.”
“I don’t know how. I don’t know how to live without you. It’s been sixteen years and every day it’s like the day I lost you. I should have been with you. I should have died that day. I’ve messed up my life. I let you down. I let Grandma down and everyone else,” I sob, falling into my mother’s arms when she holds them out for me.
“You could never let us down. We couldn’t be prouder of the woman you’ve become, and seeing you these past few months has made us the happiest we’ve ever been. Seeing you happy, living your life, it’s more than we could ever wish for. You need to live on. You need to grow old, marry Dean and have children,” Mom whispers.
She runs her fingers through my hair, my head in her lap as Dad keeps a hold of my hand.
“You may have lost who you were, but baby, we could never be disappointed in you. It took some strength for you to fight back, to find yourself and move forward. You’re an amazing woman, but you really do need to wake up now, baby.”
“But I don’t want to leave you,” I say, holding onto Dad’s hand tighter and snuggling closer to Mom.
“When your time comes, we will be here waiting for you. We love you. Don’t ever forget that.”
My eyes grow heavy and I begin to panic.
“I love you. Please don’t leave me,” I beg, trying to cling to them as much as I can.
“Never forget we’re watching over you,” Mom sobs and I choke back my own, my eyes growing tired.
“No!” I scream as everything around me once again turns bright, too bright, before dropping into complete darkness.