Waking up, I hear Dean in the living area moving around. He stayed with me last night after refusing to leave me in the state I was in. I still feel ashamed he saw me like that, and that he knows every little detail about my life. It’s hard to think of him seeing me differently.
From arriving the day before last to waking up right now, it’s been a whirlwind of emotions. Not only have I seen family friends who I haven’t seen in years, but I’ve also emotionally expelled myself in front of Dean. I never expected to tell him, or anyone, but waking up without all that suffering on my shoulders has me feeling a little better.
The only thing that’s really troubling me now is how Rick got my grandpa’s phone. I’ve been desperate to ring Grandpa but I couldn’t because one, Dean broke my SIM card and two, I don’t want to risk Rick still having it. I can only hope he secretly took the phone and put it back because the different scenarios running through my head sickens me.
It’s also pushing me a little more towards the idea of going to the police. I’d do anything for him not to hurt the ones I love. The only thing stopping me is the thought of him getting away with it and coming after me harder. Which he will, no doubt. I guess it’s what other women worry about in the same situation because it’s all I can think about. If I didn’t think he was capable of hurting someone else, I would have left him long ago.
There’s a small knock on my door before it opens slightly, giving me time to pull the sheets up to my chest.
“Morning,” Dean greets, his voice raspy with sleep. His hair is tousled, his clothes wrinkled from sleeping in them, yet he still manages to look sexy as hell.
“Morning,” I reply shyly, my cheeks heating.
“I brought you some coffee,” he says as he walks farther into the room, and for the first time I see the steaming cup of coffee in his hand.
“Oh God, we’re BFFs for life. Thank you.” I take the cup from him, yawning. I’m still tired from waking up every so often due to my nightmares.
“How are you doing?”
He seems to be looking me over for any signs of emotional trauma, and I find myself giving him a small smile, finding his caring attributes adoring.
“I’m fine, thank you. And thank you for staying. I know that settee mustn’t have been comfy.” I wince, thinking of his large frame lying on that uncomfortable sofa. It’s not the best but it makes do. It’s just not suitable for sleeping on.
“It’s fine,” he tells me, waving me off. “I need to get going. I’ve got to meet up with some workmen, but after, I’m taking Dolly and Hunter out for a ride. Do you want to come?” My eyes fill with tears as I sit up, a big grin spreading across my face.
“Dolly is still here?” I gasp, smiling so wide it hurts. I was so sure they’d have given her away. It’s so expensive to keep one, especially for this long.
“Of course. She’s yours. I’ve been looking after them all my life, but they’re getting on a bit.” He winces, seeming saddened by that and I can understand. I was gutted leaving her behind, and I dread to think what I would have been like had she died. They’re going on seventeen years old, and I have no idea how old that is in horse years. “So, would you like to come?”
“Of course I would.” I grin, excited to see her again and if I get to ride her, even better.
“All right, then. I’ll meet you at the main cabin around eleven. Is that okay?” he asks while I yawn, trying to cover it with my hand. He chuckles, shaking his head.
I nod. “Sorry,” I say through another yawn. “Yeah, I’ll meet you there.” I wave goodbye, and he leaves, walking himself out. I should have followed him. I know just sitting here is rude, but there’s no way I’m moving from this bed when I’m only wearing a thin top without a bra on.
Falling back onto my pillow, I start kicking my legs, an excited squeal escaping my lips over seeing Dolly again.
My God, I haven’t seen her since a few weeks before my parents died. I’d received her on my eleventh birthday, Dean getting Hunter for his thirteenth. Our birthdays were only a few days apart, so they decided to surprise us both with the horses together. Getting a foal for my birthday is still the best present I’ve ever received. That was the best birthday I’ve ever had, not just because I got my horse but because it was the last one I spent with my parents, all of us together. On my twelfth birthday I’d been away on a school trip, so I never got to see them.
I also remember giving Dean a detective board game and a framed picture of me, him and the twins―his brother and sister.
We played a lot of pranks on the two youngest and in the picture, just as it was snapped, Dean and I pricked a pin on their necks. Their reaction was priceless. It’s safe to say the picture turned out perfect, and although it was taken years ago, I can still see mine and Dean’s faces. We’re laughing our heads off while the twins look horrified, both of their expressions filled with pain.
Shaking away old memories, I drag myself out of the bed before I fall back asleep. Today I have an extra bounce in my step, and I know it’s because I’ll be seeing Dolly.
*** *** ***
Arriving at the reception, I step inside. The place is quiet until a sweet voice starts shouting orders at someone. My face splits into a grin because I’d know that voice anywhere. Lily had always had a way about her. One minute she could be the sweetest woman you’d ever meet and the next, she could be in mother mode, threatening to bulldoze her way right over you.
Stepping forwards, I ring the reception bell and wait for someone to notice my presence. It feels weird waiting here since I’d always run wild around the place like it was my second home when I was younger. For some reason, treating the place like home feels wrong, rude, like I don’t belong here anymore or have the right to just waltz around. It’s been so long that we’re practically strangers.
Lily steps out from the back, and my eyes take her in while she’s preoccupied with her tablet, seeming frustrated. Her hair is shorter than she used to wear it, the colour greying somewhat at the roots. Even her skin has aged, making her look completely different. Her fashion choices have changed too, opting to wear casual instead of the usual summer dresses she wore all year round. The only thing that’s remained the same is her eyes. They’re as blue as the sky and look so warm, filled with love.
Tears fill my eyes the second I take in the woman I saw as a second mom. She may have changed appearance-wise, but I can tell the woman I once knew is still in there, for which I’m thankful.
She looks up from her tablet, ready to greet who I presume she thinks is another customer. When her eyes reach mine, her face turns a deathly pale, and her eyes begin to water.
My body freezes, wondering if I had heard Dean right last night when he said his mom was thrilled to see me. It doesn’t seem that way right now. But then she opens her mouth, clutching her chest like she’s struggling.
“Oh my,” she breathes out. “My baby. Doll. It’s really you,” she cries, staring at me in awe.
I do the same, but we both seem to snap out of it at the same time. We rush across the room, meeting each other halfway before pulling into each other for a tight hug. My arms go around her, and my breath hitches at the familiar scent. My sobs echo around the reception area, but I don’t care.
“Oh Lola, I have missed you so very much,” she whispers, pulling back to take my face in her hands. “Look at you, all grown up. You’re so beautiful. I always knew you’d grow up to be a stunning woman, just like your mother.” She says the last part like a broken plea, tears falling.
“Lily,” I choke out, shaking my head as more tears run down my cheeks.
It hurts sometimes looking like my mom. Having to see that pain in other people’s eyes is gut-wrenching. It was worse when my grandpa and grandma would look at me like they saw a ghost. I knew I was just a reminder of what they’d lost.
I see my mom every time I look in the mirror, so I know their pain, to some level. We both had long, wavy, sandy blonde hair; slim figures; round backsides; and we were both blessed in the breast department. We also shared our bow-shaped lips and small button nose. The only thing I had in common with my dad was my eyes. Whereas my mum’s were blue with specks of green, mine and my dad’s were emerald green. They were so bright that people always took another second to look.
“Let’s go sit down in the dining room,” she tells me, pulling me towards their part of the cabin. I follow, still trying to swallow the lump in my throat. “Would you like some breakfast? How about a cup of tea? We can catch up. I want to know how you are and what you’ve been up to,”
We walk into the dining room and instead of taking a seat Lily turns around, focusing her attention on me. “I heard about your grandma. I’m so very sorry for your loss.”
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
When she takes my hands in hers, more tears fall, and I sniffle lamely before looking back up at her. “What did I do? I’m so sorry for leaving. So very sorry,” I cry and, out of nowhere, I’m pulling her in for another hug. “I’ve missed you so much. So, so much. I just couldn’t cope, Lily. I couldn’t come here without them, not then,” I choke out, and she makes a pained noise in the back of her throat.
Pulling back, she wipes under my eyes with her thumbs, giving me a sad smile while shaking her head. “You have nothing to worry about, my sweet girl. We understood, and your parents would have too. Do we wish we could have been there for you? Yes. But at the cost of hurting you more? No. We never wanted you to be in pain, ever. But you’re home now, and we couldn’t be happier,” she gushes through a watery smile.
I can hear the pain in her voice and how much she missed me, and misses my parents. Out of everyone, Lily is the only one who understands my pain. She also lost her mom at a young age, but at the time I didn’t see anything other than my own pain. It was selfish of me.
“Don’t you dare apologise again,” she tells me before taking a closer look at my face, her brows pinching together. “Oh my! What on earth has happened to your beautiful face?” She gasps, her face full of horror. I’m glad I’m covered up because I dread to think what she’d do if she saw what the rest of me looked like.
Having her worry―hell, having Dean worrying about me yesterday―is a weird concept to me. But it’s a welcomed one after living years with so much abuse.
“I’m fine,” I tell her, waving her off, even though my heart is beating way too fast. “I had an accident a few weeks back. It was nothing major, just me being clumsy.” I force a laugh, and it sounds unconvincing to my own ears.
Her brows are still pinched together, and I can see her mind working behind her eyes, clearly not believing me. I’m grateful when she doesn’t press for anymore, and I love her for that.
My already broken heart breaks a little more. I miss my mom terribly now that I’m seeing Lily and having her worry about me. I want to ask for her advice, to ask what she would do if she were in my situation, but she’s not here, and I don’t think I could stomach Lily knowing about everything.
“Sit down,” she tells me, seeming to snap out of it. I sit in the nearest seat, turning to watch Lily take the one next to me. “Dean said you were meeting this morning. He’s not back yet though. He’s out on the field showing some construction men where to set up,” she informs me, and I remember Dean mentioning the same thing this morning. My cheeks heat from her knowing he stayed over, even though she doesn’t look like she minds. “Would you like something to eat? Drink?”
“I’m fine, thank you. I’ve already eaten,” I lie, not having the heart to tell her I’m too unsettled to eat something right now.
“I think I’m in shock.” She giggles, not taking her eyes off me. “When Mark called and told me you were here, I didn’t believe him. I had to see you for myself. I’ve waited so long for this day, for you to come home. Everyday I’ve prayed for you to find your way back.”
God, I don’t think I’ve cried so much in my life―and I’ve had a lot to cry about. What makes it worse is seeing Lily’s face. I hate seeing her so upset.
“Well, I’m here, and I’ll be staying for as long as you’ll have me.” I smile. “I’ve missed you all so much.”
“I’ll always want you here.”
Her tablet beeps and a frown forms above her eyes from whatever she’s reading. “I swear they do this on purpose. Everyone’s trying to get tonight perfect, and we’re down a few staff members,” she grumbles, typing away.
“Tonight?” I ask, wondering what tonight is about and really hoping it has nothing to do with me.
“We cleaned up one of the side fields, needing to use it for something, so we gave Pagan the task of coming up with something for the guests and for the people who live here to enjoy.
“For months she’s had that field under construction, laying new grass, new flowers, and whatnot. Now we have one side being set up with an outdoor movie theatre. It’s what Dean is helping with right now. We’ll be hiring the equipment for the first few months just to see how it goes.
“I’m so proud of her, of all of them, but what she’s done will bring in a lot more people. We’ll have one side of the field for events. We’ve got a gazebo that’s attached to the new building that’s been built. It’s small, but we needed a bar for the events, and we can’t exactly leave the tents up all year round…. Look at me, getting all carried away.” She sighs, shaking her head as Dean walks in.
“No, it’s fine. That sounds really amazing,” I tell her, earning a bright smile in return.
“Well, hello. I didn’t think I’d see you again after I left this morning. You looked like you were ready to go back to sleep,” Dean teases, making me blush.
“Nope.” I grin. “Sorry to disappoint you, old man,” I tease back.
“Look at you two,” Lily gushes, glancing between us with a beaming smile.
I blush, and Dean just shakes his head, looking amused. “Do you want some breakfast? I can make you an omelette.”
Before I can open my mouth, Lily interrupts. “Dean, boy, stop hassling the poor girl,” she scolds, still smiling. “And do you think I’ve got no manners? I’ve already asked Lola if she wanted anything and she said she’s already eaten.”
“Sorry,” he mumbles, looking like a little boy, which makes me smile. “Are you ready, then?”
“Yeah.” I smile, standing. Lily stands too, moving in front of me. When she pulls me in for another hug, I can’t help but hug her back, breathing in her vanilla scent.
“Please come by and see me again. Don’t leave without saying goodbye either,” she tells me, choking up.
“I won’t,” I promise.
“It’s like I can feel your parents presence with you here. It’s beautiful. I can’t thank you enough for bringing them back to me too.” Her voice is barely a whisper, bringing tears to my eyes.
I forgot Lily was spiritual. She believes in ghosts, in the afterlife and that we all have the one spirit connected to us. One we are destined to spend eternity with. She believes she can sense them, and she most likely can but honestly, I don’t know what to believe. But that doesn’t matter because if Lily says she can sense them, then I believe her.
“Really?”
“My, yes. I’ve been in and out of your cabin for years and, years and apart from a faint scent of your mother’s perfume, I could never sense either of them. It broke my heart. But now you’re here, and they’re back. They’ve always been with you.” She smiles, and I can’t help the tears that run down my cheeks. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry again, show any kind of weakness, but then this happens.
“Mom,” Dean groans.
“I think you’re wrong. I’ve never really felt at home, like they’ve been with me. But the minute I stepped inside that cabin, it was like I was finally home. I’ve not felt this close to them since they were alive,” I admit, my voice hoarse.
Suddenly, I’m back in her arms. She’s hugging me so tight that I can’t help but wheeze, nor can I contain the painful sob that breaks out.
Neither of us moves. It’s only when Dean walks up behind me, gently pulling me away from his mom, that I let go. His arms move around my waist, supporting my body against his front. I stiffen at the intimate position, but once I feel the tips of his fingers rubbing soothing circles on my hip, I begin to relax into him, needing that support.
We’re both a crying mess, me more so since my head is hidden a little in Dean’s chest. I see Mark walk in from the front, his eyes moving from me to Lily, and then back to me, a slow grin forming on his lips as he takes us in.
He nods at Dean, a silent communication going on, and I file it away, wanting to ask Dean about it later. I watch as Mark walks over to Lily, wrapping her up in his arms as she cries into his shoulder, her words breaking my heart.
“My girl is back home.”
“Come on, love. Let’s get a cup of tea and then settle down. We can let the kids catch up, okay?” he says, holding her with loving care as he steers her through the dining room, towards the kitchen.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here and cheer you up. I promised you laughter and smiles, not tears and heartbreak,” Dean says in a light teasing tone.
“What are you waiting for, then?”
His grin broadens. He takes my hand, pulling me out of the cabin, and I giggle, loving this playful side to him.
*** *** ***
Dean made true on his promise, making me laugh the whole way to the barns. I don’t know why I ever thought coming here would be so bad because all it’s done is bring me happy memories. Memories I could have done with when I was younger.
Everywhere I turn there is somewhere I can point out and say I did such and such with my parents. It’s a thrilling feeling, and I can’t help the smile that crosses my face.
Most people presumed because I grew up with rich parents that it meant I was spoiled. They thought I was taken to different countries every week and lavished with outrageous gifts, but the truth is my parents never really spent money on anything extravagant. My horse was as flashy as they got.
But I wouldn’t have had them any other way because they gave me Cabin Lake. They gave me a home and brought me up to cherish everything I was blessed with. I wasn’t spoiled. I was given minimal pocket money just like any other kid my age. They showered me with love and affection, not material things.
I guess being back here, back to my roots as such, has brought back those memories for me. And as hard as they are, I’m blessed with every single one of them. My parents gave me them, gave me that treasure, and I’ll be forever grateful.
I’m in complete bliss by the time I’m jumping off Dolly. There is nothing like having the wind blowing in your hair, your mind free of thought and being surrounded by fresh air, the smell of trees and cut grass. I’m so out of it I don’t realise we’ve been out here for hours; I’ve been having too much fun and reminiscing. I’m surprised I remembered how to ride her, but once I was up, it was just like riding a bike.
I grin, rubbing my hand down Dolly’s neck before turning back to Dean. “That was amazing.”
“It never gets old, does it?” His grin is infectious, and I can’t help my own. “She loved having you,” he says as he strokes down her muzzle.
“I can’t believe she even remembered me.” I’m still in awe of how she reacted when I first walked up to her. She was going mad in her stall, and as soon as I reached her, she was shoving her nose in my face, demanding fuss. “Who takes her out?” I ask him, something I’ve wondered a couple of times before now.
“I do.” He shrugs it off, acting like it’s not a big deal. My heart beats wildly and melts. “I take Hunter out for a good run, clean him down and then come back and do the same with Dolly.”
“Well, thank you. I think I blocked out so much of my life back then that a lot of stuff didn’t even register. I feel so selfish for leaving everyone, and Dolly.” I sigh. “Thank you. Thank you for looking after her.”
“You really need to stop apologising to me. You don’t need to. Plus, I was only looking after her until you got back. Now it’s your turn to clean up horse manure.” He grins, winking.
I giggle, throwing my head back before taking Dolly’s reins and leading her into the stable, ready to clean her up. I grab the brush and start grooming her down, but my attention focuses on Dean. From the corner of my eye, I watch his muscles flex in his grey T-shirt as he brushes down Hunter. I can’t help the heat that creeps up my neck at how strikingly handsome he is.
Before he can catch me staring, I turn away, concentrating on Dolly and not Dean. But not before promising myself that I won’t look again.
I’m not even five minutes in before my head turns, my eyes catching Dean’s as he knowingly glances back at me, his eyes hypnotising.
God, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I never ran away from my problems sixteen years ago.