Chapter 25
She sat at the edge of the bed, the tangled mess of bedding behind her. The darkness outside the curtains mocked her. An entire world seemingly asleep and she couldn’t keep her eyes closed. Sleep brought dreams, painful, mocking dreams where he appeared, and then she’d wake up and he was gone, the realization of her new reality hitting her full force.
Another sleepless night.
Avery was sadly growing used to them. She didn’t want to count how many she’d had in the last while. She’d spent more time wandering around the house in the dark than trying to lie in that bed and sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, it would be less than a minute before they’d fly open again, the feeling of her heart being squeezed overwhelming her. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. She hated to admit she was scared of the nightmares that plagued her now, the same ones over and over again, that caused her to sit up in bed, fear filling her as she screamed out his name over and over again.
They were so terrible, she’d deliberately stay up all night so she wouldn’t have to sleep in the dark. Somehow the darkness just made them seem worse. More real. More plausible. She almost wished one of the guys was there to talk to, to tell her they were nothing more than dreams. Not a glimpse of the future.
She padded into the dark kitchen, picking her cell phone up from the charger on the counter. She debated hitting speed dial and hearing Alec’s voice on the other end. The clock on the stove told her it wasn’t even three in the morning. She couldn’t keep relying on them. They had their own lives to live. She didn’t need to intrude any more than she already had. She’d been glad when they’d started to give her a little more distance, a little more space. The last thing she wanted was to give all that up again because of a few sleepless nights. She took her jacket out of the back closet and went outside on the deck, propping open the back door. With her cell phone in hand, she headed to the lounger she seemed to be spending an awful lot of time in.
She stretched her legs out in front of her, draping the jacket over them, and looked up at the night sky. It was fairly clear, and she sighed to herself. She scrolled through the messages, seeing a few from Alec sent a little while before. Another night owl, or had his Avery radar kicked in and he knew she needed a friend?
She texted back a quick reply. It seemed no sooner than she’d hit send, there was a reply back. She laughed softly to herself at the simple call me.
She hit his number and heard his voice a second later. “Hello, Alec.”
“What are you doing up?”
“I could ask you that same question.”
“I asked it first.”
“I can’t sleep.” She was at least honest on that point. “What about you?”
“Same. Feel like some company? I can pick up breakfast on the way.”
“Breakfast at this hour?”
“Believe it or not, some people do eat before nine in the morning.”
“Funny.”
There was silence between them, and she had the feeling he was trying to get a read on her. She didn’t sound sleepy, so he’d know she hadn’t just woken up. He probably figured out easily she hadn’t slept yet. “You want hash browns?”
“Alec…”
“I’m already heading for the door. Better tell me or I’ll just get one of everything.”
In spite of herself she laughed. “Hash browns sound really good right now.”
“See you in about an hour.”
She clicked the phone off and set it on the deck beside her. She leaned her head back against the soft cushions and stared up at the night sky. She wondered if Josh was around there somewhere, watching her. He’d probably think she was pitiful. But she was trying as best as she could to figure things out on her own.
She held the pillow against her, her chin resting on top. Alec had shown up early that morning as promised with breakfast of hash browns, eggs, pancakes and whatever else he’d thought sounded good. She’d managed to have her hash browns and chocolate milk, the only thing that had sounded good to her, while he had the two breakfast sandwiches and pancakes. It amazed her he stayed so thin when he could eat like that.
She almost wondered how good Alec’s Avery radar was that he’d known she’d needed someone to be there with her. He’d been sitting on the couch nursing that same coffee for at least an hour already. He’d made quick work of the breakfast. “What’s the point?” she asked.
“Of what?”
“Anything.”
He leaned forward and set the coffee down. His lips thinned, and she watched the worry lines appear beside his eyes. “Hmmm…”
“Don’t give me that hmmm. Alec, I’m trying to find a reason.”
“For what?”
“To make myself go on.” The words tumbled out before she was able to censor them. She’d had that thought a lot lately, the one that had her questioning what she had to live for. She didn’t have a beautiful future ahead of her anymore. It was like she was facing the thickest fog imaginable, all alone with only the promise that she’d come through to the other side okay.
Okay. That was what she was supposed to aspire to now?
He moved closer to where she sat.
“Stop looking at me like that, Alec.”
“Okay, okay.” He pulled the pillow away from her. “Now let’s see what we can do about getting you out of this house.”
“Out?” she repeated skeptically. That was the last thing she felt like doing. She was comfortable at home. Right there where she felt like she belonged. Out in the world, that was a whole other matter.
He gave her a funny look, and she wondered whether she’d spoken the last bit out loud.
“Why don’t you want to leave the house?” She reached for the pillow but he held it away from her. “I’m serious, Avery. Why don’t you want to go anywhere?”
“I’ve got everything I need right here.”
“Oh, you do, do you?”
“Yeah, I do.” She stood up slowly. She wasn’t in the mood to get into an argument, but if he kept going with these questions, that’s exactly where they were going to end up.
“You don’t have to go out alone.” He walked over to her and lifted her chin so she’d look him in the eyes. “I’m here, you’ve got Taylor and Blake.” He pulled her into a hug. “Look, you and me. We’ll go out, hit a baby store or two. I’ll even buy you lunch, what do you say?”
“I don’t know.”
“Avery…” He waited till she met his gaze. “There’s a reason why we bought you all those maternity clothes. They’re to wear out, not lounge around the house in.”
“Really? You mean they’re not just for the yard and sitting out on the patio?” she teased.
“Nope, they’re for you to wow people in.” He took her arm and led her to the stairs. “Go put on something comfy and be down here in less than fifteen minutes or I’m dragging your cute little pregnant butt down here, okay?”
“Yes, Alec.” She gave him a salute then headed up the stairs, mumbling something under her breath about men and their control issues.
“Hey, that language isn’t appropriate,” he hollered up after her with amusement.
“Bite me!” she yelled back to him, laughing as she disappeared into her room. Maybe Alec had a small point. She needed to break free of the house for a while.
***
Alec threw the blanket down on the sand, cursing under his breath as the wind threatened to lift it up and take it to the ocean.
Avery shook her head, holding the paper bag containing their take-out lunch in her hands. He’d tried half a dozen times already, and it was always the same results except for the frown on his face which was getting deeper each time. “You need to weigh it down with something.”
“I knew that.”
“Did you really?” She handed him the bag as she picked up the blanket and he eyed her suspiciously. She shook the blanket out, and it landed expertly on the sand without so much as a ripple.
“It’s all in the technique.” She smiled happily as she took a seat on the blanket. She slipped off her flip flops and pushed her feet in the sand, wiggling her toes at the warmth. It was nice to be out again, she had to admit that. Even nicer to be at the beach. Alec kicked off his shoes and joined her on the blanket. He sat across from her, the bag of food between them as he dug out the plastic cutlery and the two containers of take-out they’d picked up earlier.
She leaned back on her hands and tilted her face up to the sun. Somehow the sun even felt different at the beach, its rays somehow warmer, more welcoming. She breathed in deeply, trying to let the familiar salt air calm her nerves. She heard the sound of Alec rummaging around stopped and looked over to see him staring out at the water. “Are you planning on just sitting around all afternoon or are we going to eat?” she teased. “It’s not nice keeping food from a pregnant woman.”
He chuckled and made himself comfortable across from her. He dug through the paper bag that held their lunch and removed both containers, the two bottles of juice and all the utensils still wrapped in their plastic pouches. “Better, madam?” he asked as he opened one of the Styrofoam containers and held it out to her.
“Much.” She ate a few curly fries and set the container beside her. “Never would have picked you for a beach boy.”
“Why? Just because I’m not blonde, blue eyed and sun kissed?” he teased, laughing when she blushed.
“You always made excuses not to come out here with Josh.”
“Honestly? I got a little seasick on the boat. Too much bobbing on the water for my liking. The beach on the other hand…serene.”
“You think so?” She watched a couple walk down the beach together in the distance, hands swinging between them. A pang of jealousy hit. She put her focus back on the food in front of her.
“I’ve been coming here a lot recently,” he admitted, tearing off a piece of chicken with his fork.
She looked at him in surprise. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“You’ll love this one. Makes me feel closer to him.”
“I can see that.” She shielded her eyes and looked out toward the water. “I still have the keys to the boat on my keychain.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. He always seemed to forget where his set was. I used to think he used my keys more than his own.” She stayed silent for a few minutes, just watching the sunlight bounce off the water. “We should go out on it soon.”
“Could do that,” he agreed.
“You just told me you get seasick.”
“For you, I’ll tough it out. Besides I think they make patches now. I’ll get myself a set. You want to go out on the boat, we’ll go out on the boat. It’s not that big a deal.”
***
Blake waited on the front steps, relief filling him as the familiar car pulled into the driveway. He’d sat there for who knew how long waiting for her to show up. He’d seen her car parked in the garage through the side window and wondered where she’d gone off to. He'd rung the doorbell, and no one had answered. That scared him a little, thinking something might have been wrong. He didn’t have his spare key on him. It was on his other key chain at home. He hadn’t thought he’d need it. Or the real reason, he didn’t want her to think they were all trying to overtake her life, take away her space. She deserved the chance to have a life of her own, to not feel like they couldn’t leave her alone for even a few minutes. They trusted her completely. She knew if she needed them they were a simple text or phone call away. She was old enough to be on her own, to take care of herself. She didn’t need to be babied or coddled. She was going to be a mother soon enough.
Still…that hadn’t stopped the clutching in his heart.
“Hello,” he called, getting to his feet.
Avery shut the car door. “What are you doing here?” she asked as he gave her a hug while pulling the shopping bags from her hands.
“Just wanted to see my favorite girl, that’s all.”
She smiled. “Liar. You’re checking up on me.”
He feigned a look of shock. “Avery!”
“It’s the truth, but I love you for it. Come on, you can help me find out what Alec bought when my back was turned.”
Blake stayed back with his brother while Avery went into the kitchen to check the voicemail and put the coffee on. “You actually got her to go out?” He couldn’t keep the amazement out of his voice. He’d been willing to bet she’d be a veritable recluse by the time the baby was born at this rate.
Alec shrugged. “It was kind of like pulling teeth at the start, but she warmed up to the idea.”
“Have to threaten her?”
“Nah, not really.” Alec smiled in amusement, glancing toward the kitchen. The mumbled sound of messages being played drifted to them.
“Offer her money?”
“Didn’t bribe her either.” He crossed his arms casually over his chest. “Just told her she was going out, and if she didn’t like it, I’d drag her out anyway.”
“The good old strong arm tactic.”
“Sort of.”
***
Alec fell beside her on the couch, as exhausted as she looked. Although he had to admit, the afternoon on the beach had done her a world of good. She had some color in her face, and she looked a lot more relaxed than he’d seen her in a while. As much as she likely wouldn’t admit it, the combination of fresh air and hours away from home had done her good.
“You know, I think today’s changed you,” he said, lifting his head to look at her. Even though she was tired, there was a glow about her, a liveliness that hadn’t been there in a long while.
“What do you mean?” She turned the page in the baby book she was flipping through.
“I think I see a change for the better. Maybe getting you out of here was just what you needed.”
She kept her eyes on the book as she stayed silent for a few minutes. The only sound between them was the pages being flipped. “Maybe you’re right,” she agreed finally.
“Oh, say that again.”
She reached over and picked up one of the small pillows, hitting him on the arm with it. “Alec,” she said warningly.
“Fine. But you do know the guys never say I’m right.”
“Josh used to have the exact same argument.”
“Honey, Josh was never right.” He grinned. “You of all people should know that.” He ducked a second pillow aimed his way, this time at his head. He broke out laughing, hearing a small giggle from her direction that made his heart soar. “Yeah, you’re definitely back to your old self.”
***
She was actually excited about going out on the water.
She packed the sandwiches she’d made inside the cooler and added the bags of chips she’d picked up for the guys. It was still another twenty minutes until they were supposed to pick her up, but she was honestly giddy. A chance to be out on the water, just like old times.
For once, she wasn’t even feeling sad. This was just a chance to relax and let the waves soothe her. She knew that was one of Josh’s favorite places to go, that it always relaxed him when he was in a bad mood, made him forget whatever was bothering him. He always came home his old self. She’d been looking forward to it for almost a week since the idea had hit her at the beach. She’d toyed with it in her mind, waiting to feel a sense of unease or nerves take her, but it seemed fine to her. Her nausea had faded away within the last few weeks and she was sure she could handle an hour or so on the boat. Just enough time to get away, to feel the breeze on her face and just be.
Blake loaded the cooler into the back of his car, shooting a nervous glance her way. She adjusted the baseball cap on her head, her ponytail sticking out the back. “You sure you feel up to this?”
“I’m fine. ” Really she was. “Can we go? I’d love for it to still be daylight when we get there.”
She loved the guys, really she did, but this was her idea. They needed to let their guards down a bit and just go with the flow. Let things happen. She needed an outing like they kept telling her, but when she finally agreed, they went all overly protective on her.
“It’s just…it’s a boat.”
“Which I’m sure I can handle.” She slid into the passenger side of the car and waited for Blake to get in. She heard the trunk slam and she did up her seat belt. They were meeting Alec at the marina. She had enough food packed to feed everybody. She just wanted a place to relax.
Blake jumped in the car and moments later they were backing out of the driveway. “Okay, but remember, any time you feel the slightest bit ill…”
She held her wrist out to him and showed off her last minute purchase wrapped around each wrist. “Nausea bands. They should help ward off anything.”
“So you say.” He smiled at her as they pulled into traffic.
The drive to the marina was relaxing. She watched the cars go by. The sky was a beautiful clear blue. She was more excited than she had been in a long time. To get out and do something that she hadn’t done in forever was nice.
Even if she knew the boat would bring back so many memories of Josh, she just wanted to be away from the way things were going. To just drift and not have to think, to not feel the emptiness that threatened to overwhelm her at times. Just her and the water. Nothing more, nothing less.
Alec greeted them at the dock, a cooler at his feet as he texted someone on his phone. “Ahoy.”
Avery laughed as she saw the captain’s hat perched on his head. “That might be taking it a little too far.”
“Why? I thought it was cool.”
She flicked the brim as she passed. “Yeah, yeah.”
Blake went first with their cooler of sandwiches and chips, setting it away below deck. She followed Alec down the ramp and shifted the light backpack on her shoulder with her supplies in it. Her sunscreen. Her water. Her paperback she planned to finish out on the water.
Alec handed over his cooler and turned to her. “You first.”
“Thanks.”
Blake reached out and held her hand as she made her way onto the boat. The motion was a tad disorienting at first, and she caught the worry on Blake’s face as she swayed a little.
“It’ll take a minute to get my sea legs, don’t worry.” She put a reassuring smile on her face. “Now which one of you do I need to give the keys to?”
“Me,” both said at once.
She laughed, pulling her keys out from her shorts pocket. “Alec wins. He is wearing the captain’s hat after all.”
Alec grinned as he swiped the keys dangling from her fingers. “I’ll drive out, you can drive back,” he offered to Blake as he headed toward the engine.
“Fine with me,” Blake agreed. “Just don’t overheat the motor.”
“Like I would,” Alec scoffed.
She headed to the back of the boat and the bench seating. The vinyl seats were a welcome warmth against her bare legs.
“Uh, Avery?” Alec’s voice drifted toward her.
“Hmmm?” She set the backpack down on one of the chairs and stared out at the water. So beautiful. So blue. She breathed in deeply, letting the fresh ocean air take away all her dark thoughts.
“Where’s the ignition on this thing?”
***
Blake smiled at Avery leaning against him, the gentle rolling of the waves having rocked her peacefully to sleep. Carefully, he lifted the book out of her hands and set it down on the other side of him. He glanced at Alec who watched them from the opposite seat, his feet propped up on the rail. “She’s out.”
“Good.” Alec gave a smile, one that faded the more closely he studied her. “Do you think she’s sleeping enough?”
Blake noticed the traces of dark circles under her eyes. “I doubt it.”
“Me, too.”
Blake shifted slowly, trying to position himself better and still let her sleep. “Did she say much about Josh lately?”
Alec played with the cap of his bottled water. “When she doesn’t realize she’s talking about him, then when she does, she just kinda trails off and this sad look comes over her face.” He ducked his head down. “She breaks my heart every time I see that look.”
Blake nodded his agreement. “I’ve seen that too. I’d do anything to get him back.”
“Me, too.” Alec set the empty bottle down. “At least maybe she won’t shut herself out anymore. This was her idea. Maybe it’s her way of coming out of that damn shell she’s built around herself.”
“I think it was too hard for her to come into contact with everything.”
Alec shrugged. “Wouldn’t it be worse for her at home? The place sometimes feels like a shrine to him. His jacket is still on the coat rack by the front door. She can’t even walk in without seeing something of his.”
Blake stroked her hair back, watching her breathe. She was so peaceful, he wanted to keep her like that for as long as possible. “It’s her world there, Alec. She can control it. See the things she wants to see, ignore what she doesn’t. She can trick herself into thinking that it never happened, maybe feel for a few minutes like he just went out to pick up a pizza or something and he’ll be right back. Maybe somehow she needs that right now, to lose herself in something.”
“But when she realizes he’s gone completely?”
Blake shook his head. “That’s when she’s going to need us more than ever.”
Josh sat in the small aisle between the row of seats, watching her sleep and listening to his brothers. It hit him how much he’d missed this, being on the boat with them, being on the water. It wasn’t enough just being on the beach and throwing rocks in the water with Gabriel. It was a whole other feeling, to be really on the water. Tranquil. Serene. The gentle rolling of the boat lulling away all the stress, taking away all his worries, his thoughts. Everything always seemed better when he was out on the boat. He could think clearer, breathe better. Somehow it soothed his soul.
Her hand slipped off the chair in her sleep, and he reached out, holding it in his own. Tears filled his eyes. “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart,” he whispered, reaching up with his other hand and resting it over the baby. He smiled through his tears as he felt the baby kick beneath his palm. “So proud.”