Chapter 10
Gabriel was growing accustomed to these long silent walks on the beach with Josh. Nothing he could say or do would draw him out of his shell. They’d spent countless hours already walking the long stretches of sand, day after day, which had slowly turned into week after week.
Occasionally Josh would stop and sit, just to stare out at the water, his fingers playing in the sand. Not one sound would escape him. The only thing Gabriel knew to do was stay with him and simply be there.
The only good thing out of all this was that Josh’s energy was slowly returning. He could see it in him after the first week. There was more color in his face. His blue eyes even had a sparkle every once in a while, and that was when Gabriel assumed he was lost in a memory about Avery. He hadn’t wanted to push or pry, hadn’t wanted to make the wounds hurt any more. He knew eventually Josh would say something in his own time. He just needed Josh to realize he was more than a guide, he was a friend.
He did question how long Josh could keep this up. Not only was the sadness overwhelming—Gabriel could sense it long before he would appear to Josh—but it was impeding any major progress he and Avery could be making. Seeing him slow his pace, Gabriel realized this could be his chance to start a real talk between the two. “You should open up,” Gabriel suggested as Josh stopped to stare out at the water. The sea was calm that day, at least for the moment. Sometimes it seemed to match Josh’s mood and would become dark and angry, the waves pounding the shore over and over again. Some days Gabriel found himself wondering if Josh wasn’t somehow capable of manifesting the turbulent water with the strength of his emotions.
Josh simply stared straight ahead at the horizon, his hands casually in his pants pockets. The breeze ruffled his hair, the only movement around him. “You want to know what I’m thinking?”
“Of course.”
“I failed her. I did so much wrong, so many stupid things, and now there’s so much she’ll never know.” He glanced toward him. “I didn’t tell her I loved her enough.” Josh rubbed the back of his neck as his gaze drifted back to the water. “Why didn’t I tell her enough?”
“She knows.” Gabriel perched on the nearby rocks. “She knows because she loves you just as much as you love her.”
“Lot of good that does us now.”
“Josh…”
He saw Josh roll his eyes before he turned completely away from him. From the determined set of his shoulders, he knew his friend was steeling himself against his own emotions. “Yeah, yeah, love’s this great, all glorious thing. It’s real great when you’re with the ones you love, but where am I? Banned from seeing them. Do you know how awful it is to be away from her? How upset I am that I can’t be there for her pregnancy? I’ll never see my child. It hurts. It hurts so much it feels like I’m being ripped apart, Gabriel. Nothing ever hurt as much as this does, and you know what? It’s never, ever going to go away no matter what anyone tells me.”
“In time…”
Josh moved a few steps away. “Gabriel, just please leave me alone for a while. No lectures, no reassurances, just let me be alone for a while, okay?”
There really was no other choice. “All right,” Gabriel reluctantly agreed and couldn’t do anything but watch as Josh walked away. His heart was heavy as he watched him get smaller and smaller in the distance, his head down as he walked, his steps getting slower the further he got. He wished there was something he was able to do for him, something to help ease the pain, but he couldn’t. Josh had to go through this all on his own.
***
Avery set the pizza box on the kitchen table and tossed her keys down beside it. Pizza for one, technically two. The first of many, she thought as she pressed her lips together to fight back the tears that the mere thought caused. She hung her purse on the back of the nearby chair and headed for the cupboards, stopping before her hand wrapped around the handle. “Why bother with plates? It’s just me.”
She washed her hands at the sink, grabbed an iced tea from the fridge and a napkin and made herself comfortable at the table. “Half cheese, half pepperoni. Crazy. I’m still ordering our pizza.” She fought back the slightest smile and lifted the lid on the pizza box, revealing the steaming pie. Just the sight of it made her teary, and she let the lid drop back down before she put her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking.
She needed to get hold of herself. Now she couldn’t even look at a pizza?
She was becoming pathetic. Pregnancy hormones or not, sometimes she felt like nothing more than an emotional wreck. She bit her lip, trying to focus on something other than the urge to cry. Yet she knew she needed to get all this out, needed to get past the constant hurt that was there, the feel that this whole situation was wrong, that Josh should still be there.
She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and went to voicemails, scrolling till she found the one she wanted. She just needed to hear his voice right then, just to remember what it was like.
“Hey, Aves…”
An automatic smile crossed her lips and a sense of calm rushed over her, giving her a moment’s peace. She closed her eyes and squeezed the phone tight, her one lifeline at that very moment.
***
Avery had barely turned the kitchen light on the next morning when the phone started ringing. She hurried across the kitchen to grab it before it went to voicemail. “Hello?” She wondered who it could be at that hour of the morning. The sun had only risen a short while before. Avery had watched it as she lay in bed, trying to make it through another sleepless night.
“Hi, honey.”
Avery smiled, hearing Linda’s worried voice. She knew she should have called her sooner but she’d just been so…out of it lately that she’d just wanted to cocoon herself away. “Hi, Linda.”
“Just wanted to see how you were doing. Tried calling yesterday but couldn’t get hold of you.”
“I unplugged the phone last night. Just wanted a quiet night alone.” Especially after realizing something as simple as a pizza could make her break into tears, she just wanted some time to herself.
“I can understand that.” There was a pause on the other end, and Avery wondered if she’d remembered it would have been their anniversary that weekend. It seemed like everyone knew.
“How are you, honestly?”
Avery cleared her throat. “Honest?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I guess.” She paused as she took a seat on the couch. It was hard to put into words how she felt sometimes. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
“But you’re feeling okay? The pregnancy’s going okay?”
Avery smiled at the concern in her voice. “Baby’s fine. Just where he should be.” She thought about how worn the sonogram was getting from her holding it so much. She should do the smart thing and frame it or make another copy. Sometimes it was the one thing that made her realize what she had to go on for when she felt like she was drowning in a sea of pain. That there was one thing she needed to live for, one person who needed her as much as she needed him.
“I’m glad. You know we’re all…” Linda paused. “We all just want to know you’re okay and if you need something, anything…we’re here for you.”
“Thank you. I know, it’s just…” How did she say that some days seeing the pain on their faces was too much for her? That the numbness she’d spent so long in was melting away and that seeing the pain of someone else was like a knife in her own heart sometimes.
“Anything you need, honey, just someone to talk to or sit and watch television with. Late night ice cream runs…just know we’re here, okay?”
Avery laughed, the sentiment bringing tears to her eyes. “Thank you, really.”
“We need both mommy and baby healthy.”
Josh sat beside Avery, his eyes wandering over her, scrutinizing everything. He listened carefully to her side of the conversation, embedding the sound of her voice in his mind. He wanted to stroke his fingers through her hair one last time, to tip her head back and kiss her forehead, her nose, her lips. To make her smile and look into his eyes and know she saw him. He leaned his head against her shoulder, startled when she gave a little jump at the contact. He closed his eyes and let himself just take in the sound of her voice, knowing that any minute the panel could call him back and he’d never be with her again. Stolen time was all he had.
***
Hearing the doorbell, Avery set down the recipe book she’d been flipping through and left the kitchen. The time on the wall clock told her it was too early in the day for it to be anyone rational. It wasn’t even double digits yet. Someone must have been like her, wide awake and fully dressed at that hour. She hadn’t slept much lately. She tended to doze off mid afternoon on the couch, her hand wrapped around the remote control. It seemed like the one time of day when her thoughts slowed down enough that she could close her eyes and just drift away. Either that or the exhaustion finally hit her and she just didn’t have the energy to fight it anymore.
She checked through the peephole and smiled as she unlocked the door, opening it to see Josh’s younger brother standing there. “Alec.”
“Avery.” He grinned as he pulled her into a big hug, squeezing her tight and pulling her up on tiptoe. He kissed her hair as he pulled back and peered past her into the dark house. “Busy?”
“Hardly. Was just deciding what to make for breakfast.” She laughed as his face lit up at the mention of food. “I see food has the same effect on you as it does on Josh. Get in here.”
Alec laughed as he walked in and shut the door behind him before taking his coat off and hanging it up on the coat rack. He followed her into the kitchen. She headed to the cupboards and rummaged for plates. It felt nice to have company again, a small part of her thought, and she smiled as she heard him roaming around behind her, opening and closing the fridge door. She grabbed two plates and set them on the counter. “And I don’t have the faintest idea why you’re on my doorstep within an hour of your mom calling.”
“You talked to Mom?” He feigned innocence as he opened the lid on the pizza box and looked up at her. His eyes were a similar blue to Josh’s, but just a few shades lighter.
“I did.” She slid a plate toward him. “She sounded worried.” She waited till he took out two slices of pizza and set them on his plate. She reached over and got a slice of her own. Alec went back to the fridge and grabbed a couple cold waters, opening one and setting it in front of her.
She took a seat on one of the stools at the counter and picked a piece of pepperoni off her slice. “Can I ask you something?”
“Course.”
“Why’s everyone so…” She paused, trying to find the right word. “So protective?”
Alec had been about to take a bite of his cold pizza. He set the slice down and looked at her, surprise showing on his face. He leaned against the counter like his brother always used to do, his arms crossed over his chest. She could almost swap the two out in her mind with Alec in that stance, Josh a little taller, a little more muscular, but that same Collins smile, that same concern darkening his eyes.
“Because we love you, and with Josh not here anymore, we just want to make sure you’re okay. You gotta know Josh would have been the same way.”
She smiled in memory. His constant check-ins, the text messages, those silly little smiley faces he’d send just to let her know he was thinking about her. “He was starting to get like that. You know he marked down all my doctor’s appointments so far in his appointment book upstairs? He was even reading pregnancy websites.” Josh. The man who blushed at the mere mention of things was now…correction, had been trying to learn as much as he could.
A wistful smile crossed his face and he ducked his head, uncrossing his arms and going back to his pizza, like a protective shield. “I can see him doing that.”
She saw the hunch in his shoulders as he took a bite of pizza. “You miss him as much as I do, don’t you?” Not that she doubted it for a minute, but maybe, just maybe he needed to talk to her as much as everyone thought she needed to talk.
He shrugged, keeping his eyes on his pizza. He took a few more bites before answering. “He’s my big brother.” He stayed silent for a while. “I needed him around. He was the one who kept me grounded, Avery. Who do I go to now when I just want to talk?”
“I know it’s not the same, but I’m always here. Granted, me going fishing in the next little while may not happen, but anytime you feel that way…”
He lifted his head, and she couldn’t miss the unshed tears glistening in his eyes. Instinctively she reached out and squeezed his hand. “Thanks.” His voice was hoarse, and he squeezed her hand back.
***
Gabriel realized how quiet Josh had become. Time had passed at a good rate, hours turned into days, days into weeks. He’d tried not to let on how much time had passed with Josh’s family and friends, knowing it would just hurt Josh more to realize what he was missing out on.
Despite the time, Josh still remained the same. Sullen, remote and, most disturbing of all, very, very quiet. He wondered what it would take to bring Josh out of the shell into which he had retreated. He was the happiest when he was talking about his friends and family. There was a certain light in his eyes that appeared when he spoke their names, when he reminisced about things that had happened. Funny little stories. Inside jokes. That was when the real Josh came out, the one Gabriel knew had so much potential, so much to live for. The one that Gabriel wished was around more often, one he thought if the panel could get a glimpse of for a few moments, they might just grant Josh back some of the privileges he’d lost. If Josh ever got accustomed to what happened to him and was able to deal with it and heal from the whole ordeal, he’d become a great mentor.
The downfall, of course, to all that was that after the stories were done with, Josh would remember where he was and the anger over being separated from his loved ones would wear through, quickly taking away the brief happiness he’d had, just like the waves that washed their footprints away in the sand.
Gabriel followed the curve in the stretch of beach, finding Josh perched on a large gray rock, throwing smaller rocks one at a time into the ocean. “Josh?”
Josh kept his blue eyes on the water even as he heard his friend’s voice call to him a second time. The water was the one thing that managed to keep him calm, even there on the other side. He wished he was able to go out on his boat and just sit in the middle of the ocean and get lost in this thoughts like he used to, but that wasn’t happening. Never would again. No matter where he was or what he was doing, Gabriel could appear in a flash, unannounced and, at times, unwanted.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Gabriel approaching him. “What, G?”
“My lord, he speaks!” Gabriel smiled as he climbed up beside him. “What’s with G?”
“Nickname, I guess.” Josh threw another rock into the ocean and watched the small ripples form where it had broken the surface of the water. He toyed with the rocks remaining in his hand. A small handful, warmed from the sun, they almost fooled him into thinking they were warm from his own touch. Funny how there he was able to pick things up, hold them and even throw them into the ocean, but at home, the simple act of touching anything required more patience and energy then he’d ever thought possible.
Gabriel settled in beside him, collected a few pebbles from the hollow in the rocks behind them and stretched his legs out in front of him. He studied the stones in his hand and finally picked one, lifting it in the air to examine it.
Josh picked one of the stones from his friend’s hand and tossed it away.
“You’ve been rather silent lately,” Gabriel noted as he finally chose one of his own rocks and threw it toward the water.
Josh watched the stone arch its way gracefully through the air before plopping down in the water. “Yeah, well, not exactly a lot to talk about.”
“Sometimes it helps to talk.”
“Turning into a shrink on me?”
“No, just offering to listen. I know how hard this whole situation is on you.”
Josh pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned his forehead against them. A thousand different emotions ran through him at every moment. He was afraid if he started talking about any of them, the floodgates would open and he’d never be able to get them closed. “Not right now, okay?”
He could feel Gabriel’s assessing gaze on him. “Sure.” A moment later he heard the sound of a stone landing in the water, the gentle plop making him smile.
“Do you want to do something?” Gabriel asked a few moments later, his voice following another stone hitting the water.
“No, I’m content right here.” He truly was. It was crazy how it calmed him. The one link to his old life and now, his present. He’d always loved the water. Loved swimming in it. Loved being in the boat on it, and he just loved being by it. He’d always thought he’d end up with a house right by it someday, him and Avery and…
The thought stopped in his head like it had hit a brick wall. He lifted his gaze, blinking as the darkness he’d barricaded himself in met the bright sunshine. He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand, waiting for Gabriel to come into focus. Moments later he did, his white shirt hanging loose and open as he sat a few feet away, head tipped back in the sunshine, a relaxed smile on his face as he watched another stone arch its way through the air to meet the water.
Gabriel’s smile grew as he realized Josh was watching him. “I’m starting to understand why you enjoy this. It lets the mind…wander.”
“Yeah.” Sometimes it caused the mind to wander a little too much, Josh realized as he reached for another pebble. It was smooth in his hand, comforting and warm from the sun’s rays.
Gabriel studied him for a moment. “You want to tell me about everyone? You never said a lot about how you met Avery, how the two of you got together.”
Josh tensed at the mention of her name, his hand closing tightly over the tiny pebble in his hand. “How long has it been?” he asked as he slowly opened his hand and rubbed the stone between his fingers.
“Since you said your goodbyes?”
Josh nodded, blinking back a rush of emotion. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. If it was just a few days, it would be hell knowing that it already felt like an eternity, and if it were months…then what had he already missed? Would one of these days Gabriel walk toward him and say his son had been born?
Gabriel copied Josh’s pose, resting his elbows on his bent knees. A wind began to pick up off the water, sending the spray of the gentle waves higher. “A few weeks, possibly longer,” he answered vaguely. “I told you time moves quickly up here.”
“Looks that way.” Josh’s voice came out deeper than he’d meant it to. He didn’t want to think what he’d missed in those few weeks, if that was indeed how long it had been. Things changed rapidly, he knew that now, how things could go so wrong in the blink of an eye.
All he had to console him was that she was with his family, and his brothers were taking as good care of her as they could.
Gabriel turned to face him. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, no, it’s not that—”
“You’re not ready to talk, I get that. I know how hard this is on you, Josh, I see it every day.”
Every day.
He leaned back, cocked his arm and threw the stone in his hand, all his emotions powering the move. It went further than any of the others had. He barely saw where it landed in the water. Maybe the beach wasn’t the place to be anymore. Maybe Gabriel could find him a new hangout somewhere. Some place that didn’t feel like home, didn’t lull him into thinking about things that were no longer possible. That someday he’d look up and see a little blond, blue eyed toddler making his way toward him with the girl who’d stolen his heart walking behind that toddler.
“You okay?”
“Fine.” His voice was gruff, and he bowed his head, taking a moment to blink away his tears.
“You never talk a lot about them.” Gabriel’s voice was soft.
“Guess I was busy concentrating on finding a way back to them,” Josh answered. He shifted his position on the rocks slightly, lowering his legs a bit and resting his elbows back on his knees. “Now that there’s no chance of that…” He tried to shake off that feeling of hopelessness that surfaced every time he thought that way. “I only have my memories to go on with.”
Gabriel looked sheepish, reaching for another stone between them. “How did you two meet?”
Josh knew what Gabriel was up to, thinking that letting him ramble on would make him feel closer to them somehow. Take away the great divide. He tilted his head back, his gaze locked on the horizon. The corner of his mouth twitched up into half a smile and he shook his head at the memory of her standing there, surrounded by a small sea of six, seven and eight year olds, trying to read the location map and keep an eye on everyone, including the few that were trying to break free from the crowd. “She was on an after school field trip to the baseball game, just her and a couple other teachers in charge of forty elementary school kids. She was waiting for one of her co-workers to come over with her group’s tickets but she was lost. She hadn’t been to a game in Tampa before.” He glanced over to see Gabriel smile at him. “I went over to help her out when a couple of the kids tried to break free. It was crazy, but I think I loved her the moment I saw her. I don’t think it was mutual though.” He laughed, remembering the look she’d shot him the moment he’d walked over, like he was just one more headache and didn’t she have enough to handle already? But he’d helped her calm the kids down and called one of the marketing guys to bring out some signed player cards for the kids while they waited for the tickets and the gates to open. He’d helped her get the kids to the seats and gave her his phone number before he walked off to join his brothers. He shook his head as he thought back, not wanting the images to be so vivid in front of him. “She was so different from every other girl I’d met, she just seemed so…”
“So?” Gabriel prompted when he trailed off and stayed silent a moment too long.
“Perfect…for me, anyway.” Josh ducked his head bashfully. He’d never told anyone that. “She was just right, there’s no other way to explain it. I was lucky I saw her first, because if any of the other guys had met her before me…” He played with his fingernail, tracing the edge with his thumb. “I always said I was the lucky one of the two of us.”
“She loves you. Deeply.”
Josh smiled. “Yeah, well, I think I love her more. She changed everything for me. She grounded me. The family thinks she’s good for me, but she was more than good. Suddenly with her everything made sense. Life made sense. Love made sense. Those stupid love songs on the radio? They started making sense.”
Gabriel smiled. “Really?”
“Yeah. All of them started to. I thought I’d loved someone before, but not like this.” He put his hands down. “Never like this.”
***
Alec sat on the bed next to her while Avery played with the television remote. The channel changed every few seconds. He’d barely get a glimpse of something on the screen before the image changed again. He had a feeling she was more than restless.
“Nothing but reruns,” she commented, hitting mute on the remote.
“Ah, well.” He stretched his legs out and crossed his ankles.
“You really want to stay over?” she asked, and he caught the edge of something in her voice.
“Course. When was the last time the two of us just hung out like this?”
She looked thoughtful. “Before he…” She stopped. “It’s been a while,” she said finally, looking past him to a spot on the wall.
“See, so of course I’m staying over tonight.” He settled back on the bed, adjusting the pillows behind him and making himself more comfortable. The fact she was on his brother’s side of the bed wasn't lost on him. Or that the t-shirt she was wearing was one of Josh’s. It was as if she needed to keep him close, as close as she could. They all did.
She sat there for a moment, studying the remote. “Having fun yet?”
“Oh, tons.”
“Hey, this is what my life’s come down to, you know. Trying to convince everyone I’m fine, which, coincidentally, no one believes.”
Fine wasn’t going to have the same meaning anymore for any of them, and even by its new definition, she wasn’t anywhere close to it.
“Hey, do you know how much trouble we’d all be in if Josh found out we weren’t taking care of you? Tons. More than you can imagine.” He reached out and rubbed the top of her hand. He could see her fighting back the tears. He hadn’t meant to make her cry with his words. He wanted to distract her, to make her smile a little. His mom said she’d seemed down on the phone, that the conversation had seemed distant, and she just wanted to know Avery was okay. That she wasn’t lying when she said nothing was wrong.
Everyone knew that was a lie. How could anything be right in the situation she was in?