Chapter 11
She sat at the outdoor patio table in Linda’s backyard, holding her barely touched water as she listened to everyone around her talk, telling stories and laughing at old memories because of Blake’s birthday. The “Happy Birthday” banner hanging from the back rail seemed to make everyone festive, like it managed to erase the past, albeit temporarily, from everyone’s minds. Whenever it seemed appropriate, she’d give a little smile or nod, but basically she was opting to stay silent, not even paying much attention to what was being said. Right now, she preferred to stay in her own little world, not caring about much of anything outside of herself. All her focus was on getting through the pregnancy, on trying to live without Josh. He would have loved the party that day. The sun was out, making it hot, but the breeze every once in a while helped cool it down. The guys had spent the better part of the afternoon huddled around the barbecue, making a mess of things while trying to grill burgers and steaks. Linda had doted on her almost too much, barely letting her up to get her own plate of food. She’d managed to nibble her way through a burger under the close scrutiny. She pushed the plate further back from the edge and reached for her cell phone, checking it to see if she had any texts, anything to claim a way out of the family togetherness she wasn’t sure she felt up to being a part of at the moment. Not a single text, but what could she expect with practically all her babysitters sitting around the same table? She nudged her phone back and finished her water. She needed an excuse to get up, to stretch her legs and get a little distance from the party.
Blake laughed at one of Alec’s stories, trying to ignore the fact that the empty chair across from him was where Josh should have been sitting, that the birthday card Avery had brought over had been missing a very important name on it. He’d kept an eye on her all through the barbecue, trying to gauge when enough was enough and he should take her home. He hadn’t expected her to really spend the afternoon at his parents’ house. He could tell she was trying to make a point, to them and probably to herself, that she was doing fine, that she could handle things. She could, she was handling things with a lot more grace than he figured anyone expected.
Seeing her get up and walk toward the house, something made him push his chair back, his gaze more intense on her. The second he saw the color drain from her face he was on his feet and hurrying toward her. “Avery?”
She shook her head, refusing to look at him, like she was afraid of showing him how upset she truly was, that her façade wasn’t as perfect as she wanted them all to believe.
“Let’s go in for a minute, huh?” He took her hand and pulled her toward the house. He swung open one of the French doors and motioned her inside. As soon as the doors were closed behind them and they were out of the view of everyone on the deck, he pulled her into a tight hug. “I know what’s going on. I saw the same things.” The empty chair, the empty space that Josh used to inhabit. The way everyone seemed to try and fill it up, being just a little louder.
“I hate this,” she mumbled into his chest, her fingers fisting in the back of his t-shirt. “I hate this so much.”
“We all do.”
“I caught myself looking for him, Blake. I forgot he was gone.” She pulled free of his embrace and backed up, walking away. “Then there are days I’m almost used to being alone now. Those scare me the most. It’s like he didn’t exist.”
“Avery…”
She was at the fridge, putting a fresh glass under the ice dispenser. There was silence for a moment between them then the sound of the ice hitting the glass. “What?” she asked softly.
“You’re going to be okay, we’re all going to get through this.”
“I hope so.”
His heart broke as he really looked at her. She looked pale beneath the slight tan she’d gotten from being out in the sun for most of the afternoon. As she stood there, he realized how hard this little get together had to be for her. For the family, it was their way of being together, but for her…it was a sharp reminder of the loss of Josh.
“How about I take you home?”
“What?” she turned. “The party—”
“Isn’t much of a party anymore. We had the food, we had the cake…it's just a bunch of people talking now.” He scooped his car keys from where he’d left them by his cell phone on the kitchen table. “Mom will understand. You should be taking it easy anyway, right?”
“Blake—”
“Hush.”
“It’s your birthday.”
“Yeah? Well, see, that means you need to listen to me. And I think it’s time for the little mama to go home and relax.” He kissed her cheek. “Come on, I’ll go tell Mom I’m taking you home, and that’s that.”
“Blake?”
He was halfway to the door when he turned. “What sweetheart?”
She smiled weakly. “Thank you.”
He nodded, relief filling him that he’d read her right. He hadn’t wanted to be pushy and make her feel that she couldn’t make decisions for herself, that she wasn’t capable, but being there much longer…she didn’t need that. And honestly, he didn’t either.
***
It was the middle of the night by the glowing numbers on the alarm clock. She watched the numbers change for a few minutes, but still sleep didn’t come. Nothing but restlessness plagued her. She pushed herself out of bed and grabbed her robe from behind the door before tiptoeing out into the hallway. The nightlight glowed a soft pale bluish white light as she made her way quietly down the carpeted stairs. The whole first floor was dark and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust.
Blake lay on the couch, an afghan covering him, his arm draped over his eyes. A rush of guilt hit her. She didn’t want to wake him if he was sleeping. She knew how rare sleep was lately. She should just go back upstairs for some more lying in bed, counting sheep or whatever else she could come up with to pass the time till it was daylight and perfectly okay for her to be wide awake.
She’d been about to turn around when the figure on the couch moved. She froze as she heard him reach for his watch he must have taken off and laid on the end table. “Avery?” His voice was hoarse from sleep. “What are you doing up?”
“Might ask you that, along with why you’re still on my couch at three in the morning.”
They all had keys. He could have simply locked the door up after him and gone home to his own bed.
He sat up and rubbed his eyes. She played with the tie on her robe as she waited for an answer. She knew he was trying to come up with something plausible that didn’t sound like he didn’t quite trust her to be on her own. “Never mind, I’m glad you’re here.”
“You are?”
“Yeah, I could use the company. I can’t sleep.”
“Neither could I.”
“Liar, you were almost snoring when I came down.”
“Almost being the operative word.” He rose to his feet and yawned. “What are you thinking?”
“Ice cream.”
“Rocky road?”
“Quite possible there’s some of that in the freezer. I was thinking more along the lines of peppermint.”
They headed into the kitchen, and Avery flicked on the light over the stove, blinking at the sudden intrusion of brightness. She switched it to low while Blake got out two bowls and spoons. She checked the freezer and found it fully stocked. Some little elves must have been busy in the last few days. Last time she’d checked, she’d simply had a bag of fries and two small containers of ice cream. She handed him the Rocky Road with a knowing look and grabbed the Fudge Ripple for herself. “Your work?” she asked, motioning to the fridge.
“I tend to grocery shop.”
“For other people?”
“Thinking about becoming a personal shopper.” He opened the fridge door and took out a container of whipped cream. “So, why couldn’t you sleep?”
She looked down at the ice cream as she pulled the lid off hers and scooped some into the bowl. Blake reached over and dropped a big glob of whipped cream on it. She shot him a questioning look.
“Calcium,” he answered with an easy smile. “So?”
She sighed and added another scoop of ice cream to her bowl before putting the lid back on. Blake finished filling his bowl with his Rocky Road before he grabbed both containers and set them back in the freezer door.
She put a spoonful of the sweet concoction in her mouth and studied him in the low light. “It’s just…too much at times. I’ve even tried sleeping in the guest room, but I still think he’ll walk in sometimes. It’s been two months, and I still can’t believe it.” Every morning she waited to somehow accept it, to feel like she was ready, capable of moving on her with her life. And every morning that ache was as raw as it was the day she found out.
“We all have the same feeling, hon.” He swirled his spoon around his bowl. “But you know, we all have each other, and that’s gotta mean something, right?”
She nodded. “Yeah, it does.”
He moved beside her, leaning against the counter. He nudged her with his elbow until she smiled. “It’s all going to be okay.”
She looked into his blue eyes. “Gotta be, doesn’t it?”