West
I could tell some heavy shit had gone down between Shani and her sister because she’d barely said two words on the long drive home.
When we finally pulled into the parking lot of her complex, she reached for my hand. “Will you please come up? I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
I could almost see her rock-hard veneer cracking, revealing the sweet and soft girl I’d glimpsed but never had the chance to know.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t have to. She knew if she needed me, I’d be there.
I got out of the vehicle and went to meet her, pulling her against my side as I pressed the key fob to lock the doors as we walked into her building. It seemed she was in a trance as she watched me enter the code and guide her to the elevator. We were alone with our silence as we watched the digital numbers pass, carrying us to the fifth floor. But I knew we couldn’t remain quiet forever. She had to be willing to talk to me if we had any hope of breaking through the barrier she’d placed on our relationship last time.
She handed me the keys so I could open the door, and she dropped her purse on the floor as soon as we stepped inside.
I watched her sink into her sofa’s deep cushions before I said, “You want a drink?”
She shook her head, and when she looked at me, my heart broke for her. “I just need you to hold me.”
“I can do that.” I kicked off my shoes and made my way to her. Sitting down, I pulled her into my arms and let her rest her head on my chest as she curled into me.
“Katie talked to Dad.”
I waited for her to continue, but when she didn’t, I said, “That must have been rough.” I couldn’t say I was surprised. I knew overcoming addiction meant facing your past.
“She’s braver than I am,” she whispered. “I don’t think I could do that.”
I kissed the top of her head. “You’re the strongest woman I know, baby. You can do anything you want to do.”
But I didn’t know whether she’d ever have the desire to reach out to her father. I’d love to see her heal the rift or just vent her anger at him, if it meant she could finally let it go and learn to trust another man completely. Learn to trust me.
“She’s thinking of reaching out to his children too.”
She didn’t call them her siblings. She still saw them as an extension of the man who’d done her family wrong. I understood that, but I wished I could tell her they were innocent, just like her and Katie. They’d never asked to be brought into the world, and maybe they wanted to get to know their big sisters.
“I think Katie should do whatever helps her heal, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do.” She ran her hands over my stomach. “Hating someone is exhausting.”
“I’m sure it is.” I had some experience with that, but I’d never hated someone so much or for so long it shaped the person I’d become.
“Holding on to that hatred day after day, month after month, year after year…” She sighed. “Doesn’t leave much energy for living life.”
“And you deserve to have a good life, baby. You deserve to be happy.”
“I do,” she said, as though she was acknowledging it for the first time. “My mother, my father, my sister, their problems were their own. Their decisions impacted a lot of other lives, but they’re the ones who have to own them. I don’t.”
I was glad she was finally coming to terms with that. “No, you don’t.”
“I have been though, you know, owning their decisions.”
“I know.”
She plucked at my cotton shirt, and I knew she was sifting through her thoughts, deciding what she wanted to say.
“I feel drained.”
I kissed her forehead. “If you want to go to bed, I can go.”
“No!” She looked up at me. “I don’t want you to go. I want you right here with me. There are things I need to say to you.”
“Okay.” I tried not to tense up, but I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to hear what she was going to say. “I’m listening.”
“I used the club as an excuse before. I don’t think I realized it at the time, but I let it come between us because it was easier than facing my feelings for you.”
I closed my eyes, just listening. I’d never stopped loving this girl, and if she hadn’t reached out to me when she did, I didn’t know if I’d have ever experienced the kind of contentment I was now, just holding her.
“I was in love with you,” she whispered. “But I was so afraid to be in love because the only example I’d ever seen of love ended in heartbreak. I didn’t want that to be us.”
“And you didn’t know if you could trust me.” It had been painfully obvious to me, but I needed to hear her acknowledge it too. “Because the only man you’d ever trusted let you down.”
“Right.” She tipped her head back, looking at me. “You knew that all along?”
“Yeah. And the only other woman I’d ever loved left me too.”
“Your mom?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“So you see, sweetheart, we all have our dragons to slay. It was just as hard for me to believe you wouldn’t leave me as it was for you to trust me.”
She bit her lip. “But the thing is, you never betrayed me, but I did leave you. You think we can ever get past that?”
A part of me might always fear Shani’s ghosts would come back to haunt her, but I wouldn’t let my insecurity come between us. “That’s the reason I hated your career so much. Seeing you lying in that hospital bed with a bullet hole in you…” I felt a shudder rip through me. “Hospitals remind me of—”
She cut me off with a kiss. “I know. I’m sorry I put you through that.”
“I don’t blame you. You were doing what you loved long before you met me. I had no right to ask you to quit the force. Those were my issues, my fears. I guess I was just projecting.” Our pasts had made an impression on both of us, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t overcome them.
“I love you,” she whispered, raising her lips for another kiss. “I mean it. I really love you.”
I crushed her in my embrace, breathing in those words. “I love you too, baby.”
“I’m probably going to make more mistakes—”
“Me too.” I didn’t expect her to be perfect. I just wanted her to be mine.
“But even if I do, you promise you won’t leave me?”
“Easiest promise I ever made.”
“Does that mean we’re a couple now?” she asked softly.
I chuckled. “We damn well better be.”
“We still don’t know if we’re pregnant. I have a couple of tests in the bathroom. I could go find out now.”
“Babe, you’ve been through hell today. Why don’t we wait ‘til tomorrow to find out if our lives are about to change forever?”
“Are you afraid of that?” she asked, slipping her hand under my shirt so she could stroke my chest. “Our lives changing?”
“No. If I wasn’t ready to be a dad, I wouldn’t have agreed. But you know, I’m kind of an old-fashioned guy…”
She stifled her laughter behind her hand. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious. I’d really like the mother of my child to be my wife too.”
She gasped as she pulled back to look me in the eye. “You’re not asking me to marry you right now, are you?”
I saw the terror in her eyes and knew the time wasn’t right. Not when she’d just been through so much. “You think I’d do that without some big flashy ring?”
She melted against me, her sigh of relief giving her away.
“But I will someday soon, just so you know.”
“And when you do, I’ll say yes.”
My hold on her tightened. Never thought I’d see the day this girl would talk marriage without running screaming from the room. It was definitely progress. “Good to know, gorgeous.”
“Let’s go to bed,” she said, tugging on my hand as she stood.
“You tired? Feel like a nap?”
“Nope.”
I grinned. “Then you’re trying to seduce me?”
She winked. “Damn right.”
***