MICHELLE
I dream. Black things with smoke filtering from their eyes. Stomping monsters that chase me down, shove me in small places and yell until I cry. Everywhere I turn there’s not enough. No water to put out the fire. No light to chase the darkness. No food to feed my children and they wither away, calling my name, crying out for me to help them and I can’t.
When I wake, I can’t think through the pain. My hands scream obscenities, my heart shouts accusations. Because I’m pregnant, they’re withholding any pain medication strong enough to dull the throbbing agony that is now my life. The dreams are bad, but waking is worse. And so I sleep.
“Mish?” My mom’s voice. A gentle touch on my forehead, a whisper of contact that means love, love, love. I shy away from it. Close my eyes and pretend to sleep until I cross the line back into unconsciousness.
Conversations happen around me. I catch enough to know Claire is okay. I hear her voice and open my eyes.
“Hey, Bear.” My words are sandpaper but thank God they took the tube out of my throat.
“Momma.” She looks small in her wheelchair, pale and tired. “Are you okay?”
I shrug. I don’t have an answer. “Are you?”
“I cough a lot, but I feel better and it doesn’t hurt so bad.”
“Mish?” Lexi’s voice.
I turn away. Rest a hand on my belly and close my eyes. “Is David here?” I ask.
Bailey comes around the bed and crouches in front of me. Her eyes meet mine. “We haven’t seen him today.”
I clench my jaw. Rain drips down the windows behind my friend, blurring my view of the gray skies beyond. I watch the water bead and then trail down the glass. David left while I slept and I haven’t seen him since.
“Your tests came back.” Bailey smiles and I look away. “The baby is holding on.”
“The bleeding hasn’t stopped.” My mind goes to David, locked in his room after the death of his daughter, unable to function until his parents pulled him from the darkness. How is he handling this? Why isn’t he here?
“But it’s slowed.”
I nod. “Did David say when he would be back?”
Lexi clears her throat. “Tell you what, Claire-arina. You give your momma a kiss and I’ll wheel you back to your room. You can get that rest you need and I’ll grab you come ice cream from the cafeteria.”
Claire’s tiny hand on my arm feels heavy. “Did you hear that, Momma?”
I turn my head and look at my daughter for the first time today. “You got your hair cut.”
She blinks. “The fire burned it.” Tears well in her eyes. “Remember Aunt Lexi asked you if it was okay to cut it?”
I don’t but I nod anyway. “Oh, that’s right. I just forgot. You look extra beautiful.”
She smiles and swipes at her eyes. “You should have ice cream, too. She turns to Lexi. “Can you bring some ice cream to my mom?”
I don’t want ice cream but I won’t say that to my girl. “I love you, Bear.”
“Love you, too, Momma.” Lexi wheels her from the room, reminding her that she needs to sleep as much as she can to feel better.
When they’re gone, Bailey pulls a chair close to the bed and sits down. She leans her elbows on her knees and clasps her hands. “How are you feeling?”
I stare at the ceiling. Tears well in my eyes and roll past my temples. “I don’t know.” Someone passes in the hallway, a stream of conversation growing and then fading. “Fine. I feel fine.”
Bailey sighs. “You always say that and it’s always bullshit. You have to stop faking your way through life.”
“It’s been working just fine up to this point.”
“No. It hasn’t.” Bailey sits back, the plastic seat cover creaking beneath her weight.
I shake my head and close my eyes. I don’t want to have this conversation right now. I don’t want to have it ever. I want David to come through those doors, to run his hands through my hair and tell me everything’s okay. But he hasn’t. I don’t know how long it’s been since he left. All I know is that he’s gone and everything hurts and I’m so afraid he’s never coming back. I didn’t lose the baby, but what if the possibility is too much for him? What if the thought of losing another child broke him and he left?
Bailey leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “Do you realize all you had to do was tell me that you were struggling for money and I would have been there to help? I know what it means to struggle. I know what it means to not have what you need. And now? Liam has a small fortune and we would have made sure you were okay.”
“But I was okay.”
“You weren’t! Think back. When have ever, really, honestly been okay? When have you ever been happy? Because I’m starting to think you never really have been.”
“I’m happy with David.” And David’s not here.
Bailey nods her head. “Good. I’m glad.” She pauses. “But, I don’t know, Michelle. I respect the hell out of the way you fight through life, but I hate that you have to fight. It’s one thing to fake a smile through it all and it’s another thing altogether to actually smile through it all. Believe me. I know. And I didn’t start being happy until I stopped trying to do everything myself. I had to admit I needed someone.”
I let my gaze settle on hers.
Bailey folds her hands together. “Maybe, just maybe, you need to look at all the things that aren’t working so you can fix them instead of carrying them around with you all the time. Maybe, just maybe, once you acknowledge that you aren’t happy, you can start building a life that is.”
Tears well. My lips part. “All I ever do is survive.” I hate myself for saying it out loud. For admitting it. What good is acknowledging it if there isn’t any way to change things?
“That’s no way to live.”
“How can I do anything else?” I swallow and turn away.
“I can’t even begin to tell you that. You have to discover the answer on your own because you are the only one who knows what you want.”
“All I want is David.” I cover my stomach with my hands. “I want Claire and this baby. I want to build a life for the four of us.”
“And that’s exactly what you’re doing. Your daughter is fine. Your baby is holding on.”
“But David isn’t here.”
Bailey looks at her lap. “He’s not.”
“So how can I do anything but survive when time and time again I end up where I don’t want to be and it’s all out of my control?”
“I don’t know what David’s doing. I can’t speak for him and I sure as hell won’t stand up for him, but Michelle? You have to build your life around you. Around the things you want. You have to find happiness that comes from in here.” She thumps a fist to her chest. “You cannot live your life for anyone else and expect things to turn out the way you want. You are the captain of this ship. You have to take the wheel and drive.”
It’s more than I can handle. The truth of it is too heavy. David is gone and if he doesn’t show up sometime soon I’m going to have to face the fact that once again I get to rebuild my life from the ground up. This time, I’ll have the added burden of knowing what it means to be happy, of having had everything I wanted only to lose it. I close my eyes and don’t open them again. And after some time, Bailey leaves.