Epilogue
Emerson
Two years later
I smoothed the satin over my belly and smiled. The bump was just starting to show but only barely. My dress was better than I had imagined, I thought as I looked over it in the mirror. My hair was swept to the side in a braid falling over my shoulder and ending just above the swell of my swollen breasts. Luke and I had decided that we wouldn't tell anyone about the baby until after today, simply because we didn't want anything to take away from today. Luke had spent hours out in the meadow stringing up lights and making sure everything was perfect. I had helped him do as much as he would allow, but being pregnant had made me incapable of doing anything in his mind. He didn't even like me cleaning the house or cooking dinner. The man spoiled me. It was no wonder I loved him.
I thought back to when I first suspected I was pregnant.
My body was revolting, and I had too much to do. Weddings don’t plan themselves. I felt like I had the flu but had reason to believe that maybe something else was going on. I knew if I went and bought a test that it would be all over our small community in a matter of twenty minutes, and the last thing I needed was the attention. It just so happened that Rachel and Charles had come into town for Summerfest that weekend, so she grabbed a test for me while she was at the store. Keeping it from Luke had been a little tricky, but we had managed.
“So?” Rachel popped her head into the bathroom as I waited to see just how many lines popped up. When the second line started to show, I was overcome with emotion, so when Rachel stuck her head in the door, she wasn't sure if she should be happy or quietly somber with me. I nodded, and she ran into the bathroom pulling me into a tight hug. Her own protruding belly kept us from our normal tight embraces.
“If you have a girl, our kids can get married, and then we will be related for real.” She said through her tears.
“It's a little early to be planning that wedding.” I laughed at her.
“When are you going to tell Luke? I want to be here and see the look on his face.”
“I don't know, maybe I should wait a little longer.” Even though I wanted to wait and plan some elaborate way to tell him, he knew immediately I was hiding something from him.
“What’s wrong with you?” He asked me as we stood in the kitchen later that night.
“Nothing.” I smiled and turned back to the salad I was mixing. I felt his arms wrap around me and pull me against him.
“I don't believe you.” I turned in his arms and looked up into his blue eyes.
“I just haven't felt very good for the last week or so. I think I'm coming down with something.”
“Maybe you should make an appointment to go to the doctor when we are in Portland early next week.”
“I think I might.” I reached up on my tip-toes and kissed him softly before turning back to the salad.
At dinner two nights later, I had worked up the nerve to tell him. I wanted to do one of those extravagant treasure hunts, but instead I ordered a pacifier and served it to him on a plate. When I sat the plate down in front of him, he looked down and then back at me and then down to the plate again.
“Are you, we are, when, you aren't kidding me, are you? Because that would be cruel.” His dark blue eyes were shining, and his smile was blinding. He stood and grabbed my face, kissing me hard then dropped to his knees in front of me, kissing my belly over and over.
“Hey little buddy. I don't know if you can hear me yet, but I can't wait to meet you.” His arms wrapped around my waist, his head laid on my belly, and he talked to a baby that we hadn't planned but wanted.
“I cannot believe how good that dress looks on you.” Cindy smiled at me when she walked in, shuffling in her own dress.
“I was worried that it would show my belly too much,” I admitted.
“You are going to tell Ryan today anyway, right?”
“We were planning to, yes.”
“I still can't believe that he is so oblivious to what is going on around him.” Cindy laughed.
“You are pretty distracting.” I raise my eyebrows and smile at her. “Especially in that dress,” I joked.
“I never thought that he and I would be a he and I for real.”
“The man loves you.” I reached out and hugged her.
“Well, he better. Because at this point, I’d fight him for custody of you and Luke,” she winked. “Now turn around,” she said. “I’ll help you tie that ribbon in the back, and then you can get mine. Because you’re on in thirty minutes.”
I smiled.
Thirty minutes later, I was watching Luke make me all weak in the knees in his tux as I walked toward him and took my place standing across from him.
He winked at me, and I winked back. He blew a kiss toward my belly, and I melted a little more for him.
“I love you.” I mouthed, and he did the same. Ryan shuffled nervously next to him and fiddled with his tie.
“Stop.” Luke whispered as Ryan turned to look at Luke.
When the wedding march started, we all watched as Cindy stepped out of the tent and into view. Ryan’s face lit up when he saw her. Her raven hair was pulled up, revealing her long, elegant neck. A few soft curls fell around her face.
When I pulled my gaze away from her and focused on Ryan’s face, I saw his eyes get a little misty. Luke reached out and gave him a solid pat on his shoulder, which caused Ryan to wipe at his eyes quickly. When Cindy stopped in from of him, he reached out for her and immediately leaned in to kiss her out of instinct.
“Not yet, son.” The minister laughed. I smiled as Ryan’s hands trembled as he took Cindy’s hands in his. He had given Luke a ton of crap after our wedding about the same thing, and I knew by Luke’s smirk that it wasn't lost on him.
I watched Luke, and he watched Ryan and Cindy. I couldn't help feeling that I had everything. Not just what I wanted, but so much more than I had ever known I wanted. Luke looked at me suddenly, and I smiled back at him, remembering our vows.
“I promise to cherish every minute I get to spend with you. I promise to take care of all your needs, no matter how small or big they are. I promise to not work in my shop before seven in the morning and always finish before eight at night. I will eat your burnt cookies and never complain. I will always chase you even if I have to do so with a walker in front of me. I also promise to knock you up at least three times, four if you'll let me.”
The crowd erupted in laughter, and a bright smile covered Luke’s face.
“But most of all, I promise to love you with every part of me—heart, mind and soul for as long as I have breath in my body.”
I was directed at that point to say my vows.
“I promise to be a wife and partner to the best of my ability. I promise to let you help clean the house and to also let you cook all the meals so you don’t have to eat burnt cookies.”
Laughter rang from the crowd.
“I promise to help you be the best you can be at everything you want to do, even if that means you spend weeks alone in your shop. I also promise to make our house a home for you, not just a building. But most of all, I promise to love you and make you feel loved for as long as I am breathing.”
When I focused back on the ceremony in front of us, Ryan wrapped his arms around Cindy and dipped her back as he kissed her deeply. When he set her back upright, the minister pronounced them man and wife. Ryan kissed her softly again and then started to lead her toward the tent that was set up for the reception. A gentle rain began to fall as Luke and I headed toward the tent. I started to jog but was lifted from behind and carried to the tent. Luke kissed me before he set me back on my feet.
We watched as Ryan and Cindy danced and then shared cake. The wedding went smoothly even though the temperamental pacific northwest weather wanted to be a pain. Luke and I sat and waited our turn with the bride and groom. We wanted to tell Ryan as a bit of a wedding present. When they made their way over to us, we exchanged hugs, and then Luke began to tell Ryan in the way we rehearsed.
“You know I made you a promise a long time ago, Ryan. And unfortunately, it seems that I’m not going to be able to keep it. At least, not exactly.”
“What promise?” Ryan asked with his head tilted to his side.
“A promise that we would name our first born after you. And while Ryan could be used as a girl’s name, we’ve decided on Wrynn instead.” Ryan eyes grew huge as he looked from me to Luke and then back. His hands automatically went to the small rounding of my belly.
“You know, you have been hitting the cookie dough ice cream pretty hard lately,” Ryan said to me joking. “I just didn’t want to say anything.” He grinned and hugged us both, then bent over to talk to my stomach. “Hey, baby Wrynn. Your Uncle Ryan already loves you and can't wait to meet you and threaten any boy who ever wants to talk to you.” I felt her move inside of me letting me know that she knew we were talking to her.
“How long have you known?” he looked at Luke and me, and then he focused on Cindy, who was grinning.
“You knew, too?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Am I the only one that didn't?”
“Pretty much.” Luke patted him on the shoulder.
“You all suck.” He frowned.
“We wanted you to be focused on your wedding. We still have a few more months before she’s born.”
“Well, I guess we should get busy,” he reached for Cindy.
A flush covered her face, and I knew what she was about to say.
“Welllll, you see, we have already been busy.”
I watched as her hands moved to her lower belly. I looked at Luke, and he looked at Ryan in complete shock. Color flushed from Ryan’s cheeks, and he reached for her.
“Are you messin’ with me?”
Her eyes filled with tears, and she shook her head.
He pulled her to him and shouted to the entire room, “I'm gonna be a dad!”
Claps and whoops come from all around us. “And so is Luke!” he added on.
Warm arms wrapped around me, and in that moment my heart had never been fuller. I realized exactly what I was missing less than five years ago. I was missing the other half of my soul, and now I stood with strong arms wrapped around me, completing my life in a way that most people never experienced.
“I love you.” I whispered to Luke over my shoulder.
“I love you more, and our baby.”
That’s the end of the Jacked. Below I included 4 of my previous books to read as a free bonus.
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By Claire Adams
This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2017 Claire Adams
Chapter One
Nate
I rolled the window of my car down, letting some fresh air in. The planes above looked really big taking off and landing. You sort of forgot how freaking huge they were when they were flying above you.
My assistant told me that the flight was at eight in the morning. I'd been sitting in my car about ten minutes, watching the sun start to rise over LAX, wishing I'd got a later flight. It was six thirty in the goddamn morning; the only other time I was awake that early was when I'd been up the entire night and hadn't gotten to sleep yet.
What was I even doing here? I could have asked Dad to use his plane. I was Nate Stone; I didn't have to fly commercial.
I shut my eyes and leaned back against the driver's seat. In ten hours, I wouldn't have to think about this place for another three months. I'd be in a fucking suite with a hula dancer sucking me off. I'd be eating seafood and drinking rum. I'd be too far away for any of the assholes in LA to get to me.
I watched a plane take off and fly into the distance, until I couldn't see it anymore. In two hours, that would be me. I just had to last ’til my flight. I'd checked in online already, and I was flying first class. Just two hours, man, I said to myself. This vacation was way overdue. I knew it was over when I tried to write a song the other day and got nothing.
Nothing. Not a word. The band didn't use my songs anymore, but fuck it, I did. The touring, the booze, the girls — it had done something. It had finally caught up with me. Yeah. That was it. Because there wasn't any fucking dope and booze in Hawai’i. I’d be fine if I just got away from it.
I checked the time again. Five minutes had passed. Fuck. Could I fall asleep? Go inside? Eat? Something? Anything other than just sit here and wait?
My phone was ringing. Still ringing. I'd ignored a phone call twice already. I didn't know who the fuck was trying so hard, but I was pretty sure you were meant to stop trying when it was obvious the person you were calling didn't want to talk to you.
Fuck, what if it was important, though? What if it was my manager? Or Dad?
The ringing stopped as soon as I reached for the phone to check who I'd been blowing off. I grimaced reading the name. Not my manager Doug. Not my father. Nope. It was Kirsten. I had her name on there as Kiki because that was what I'd called her when we were together, and I'd just never gotten around to changing it to something else.
Kirsten Andrews. Sorry, Kirsten Stone: she'd kept my last name.
Hmm, I wonder what she wants, I thought cynically. We didn't have any kids together, so it wasn't that. Couldn't have been her settlement because she'd cleaned the fuck up during the divorce. I'd call five million for three years of marriage a pretty good deal. Unless the bitch wanted more, which she was not getting.
I could still hear the wedding bells. Kirsten had filed for divorce, not me. I had told myself back then that it was so many different things. She was just a bitch, she wanted my money all along, and she had met someone else. She was one of those women who used marriage to marry and then divorce even richer people. I couldn't stand thinking she thought of me as her starter husband.
There was the little thing where I was drinking till I blacked out each day, but I had been too drunk to realize that that was it. And by the time I had, and lied to her that I would stop, I had already moved on to something a little stronger.
Was there a time I ever loved her? Every time we'd had to go to court, I wasn't so sure. It had been almost five months now since the split was finalized. There was nothing I still had to say to her. There was nothing she could have said to me that I actually wanted to hear.
She'd left me a voice-mail. Delete it, the voice in my head said. Delete it because you're going to listen to it and regret it immediately. My thumb hovered over the screen as I thought about that. Yeah, Kirsten drove me crazy, and yeah, I was here at the airport because I wanted to get the fuck away from her and everything else, but since I was going anyway, what was the harm in listening to it?
I'd listen, get mad, and this time tomorrow, I'd have two naked Hawai’ian girls in my bed, drunk off my ass in the middle of fucking paradise. I'd listen, and when I got to Hawai'i, I'd throw my phone in the ocean.
Was it worth it though? What was the worst thing she could say?
I played the message. Kirsten's voice filled the car, like she was in there with me. I frowned, listening; she had the bitch meter turned on high. Her voice got really shrill when she yelled.
"Nathan," she was saying on the message. She did that when she was mad at me. Talked to me like I was her kid. "Nathan, why aren't you answering your phone? You bastard, I know you have it on you. You always do." I leaned back in my seat, closing my eyes. Bad idea. Should have deleted.
"Where are you? You know what? I don't care. It doesn't matter anyway. Your manager's been calling me. He wants to know where you are. You can't hide, you know that, right? You remember you signed a contract, don't you?" she was saying. No, I forgot that, Kirsten; thanks so much for reminding me that I owe my next three albums to that bloodsucking label, I thought.
"I told him I didn't know where you were. I can't believe you're throwing this all away. How long were you making your music waiting for someone to sign you?
“Whatever. The band will do just fine without you. Doug taking a chance on you was obviously a waste of his time. It's sad, really. Keep hitting that bottle, babe. Go ahead and throw that dream away. What would you be without your rich daddy anyway? Nothing. Maybe Remus can dedicate their next album to you in their Grammy speech-"
I cut the message off. There was about half a minute left, but I didn't have to listen to her anymore.
Fuck.
I could feel it. It was happening. I shut my eyes and tried to stop it. It felt like hot water bubbling up from my stomach to my chest, till I felt it in my head. It felt like being in a locked room with only one way to get out.
She was right. They didn't need me. They had producers and money from a major label. They could hire anyone to write. They could hire anyone to play and just put their names on it. They could just shit out album after album and watch the money pile up. They could keep going on tour — getting high, drunk, laid. Have a great time.
I wasn’t part of Remus, not anymore. They had our sound perfected; they could swap us all out and replace us the next day, and it wouldn’t make a difference. It was generic. It was stock; it wasn’t real. Obviously, they could make money with or without me. They didn’t need me.
Fuck. I couldn't think. I felt like my skin was trying to crawl off my body. I couldn't fly like this.
Good thing I came prepared. I kept my stuff in the glove compartment. I always had a kit close. My travel kit was small compared to my other one. Just the essentials. Syringe. Belt. Dope — pharma grade, of course; I wasn't trying to kill myself. Just a little something to take the edge off. It wasn't a big deal.
I quickly looked out the window, rolling my sleeve up. I belted my arm and filled the syringe. I could almost feel it already. The anticipation before the high was almost as good as the main event.
I flexed my arm, looking for somewhere to stick it. I watched the needle puncture the skin and shot one hundred percent pure, right in my vein.
I took the belt off and leaned back in my seat, sighing. Yeah. That hit the spot. It was like that feeling when you were cold and got in a hot tub. Just like a liquid orgasm spreading all over your whole body.
Right then, I forgot everything. I wasn't at the airport. I wasn't in my car. I was in heaven. I opened my eyes, watching another plane go by. It looked so happy. Maybe if I'd gotten Kirsten on heroin, she wouldn't be such a bitch.
Time must have passed; it felt like hours, but it must have been half an hour or something. Everything moved slower when I was high. Everything was better. I had to leave, though. I had a flight to catch.
I rolled my sleeve down. I could hide being high, but the track scars were a dead giveaway. I pulled my hood up because I'd forgotten my baseball cap. Another reason why I should have fucking flown private. That way, nobody would recognize me.
I got out of my car and went to the trunk to pull my suitcase out. I left my kit in the car because I had another packed. I'd check this bag so security wouldn't get to it. I didn't carry lighters or spoons and shit, obvious junkie paraphernalia. If they saw it, they'd see vials of clear liquid. When they read it, it would say it was insulin. Hidden in plain sight. Who wasn’t going to let a diabetic have his insulin? I'd done this so many times before.
The trick was to act natural. Don't give them a reason to think you're doing something wrong. For all they knew, you were just another miserable traveler who had to make the drive to LAX that day. TSA didn't even look for drugs like that. I'd be fine.
The high definitely helped. I got through security no problem. I took my time with it since I still had a lot of time left before the flight. Once I was at my gate, I considered my options. I had music in my carry-on backpack. I could put my headphones on and zone out till it was time to leave. I even had a book, but it was sort of hard to read while I was high.
There was a bar, though, and getting a jump on that rum didn’t sound like a terrible idea.
Was it too early for a drink? I checked the time. Twenty minutes past seven. Yeah. It was too early. I'd just shot up; I'd probably last the flight. I sat down at the bar anyway, thinking I’d just do it. If they didn't want anyone to drink, why'd they have it open at seven in the morning, anyway?
I kept my head down, even though it was basically just me. Not a lot of people on my flight probably. Not a lot of people trying to get drunk at seven in the morning. The bartender walked up to me. It was a dude. Young guy. I nodded slightly. He smiled, telling me good morning.
"Hey," I said tightly. "Can I have a...Coke? Just a Coke. With ice," I said. The guy smiled and went to get me my drink. I rolled my eyes. Fucking Coke. Could he top that off with some Captain Morgan? That sounded more like it.
It was seven in the morning, I couldn't do that. Even I had limits…sort of. I'd drink my Coke, get on the plane, and ask for Patron. The guy came back with an icy glass full of Coke. I said thanks and paid him.
"Hey, man, you must get this all the time," he said. Oh shit. "But has anyone ever told you you're a dead ringer for Nate Stone."
"Who?" I asked, sipping my drink.
"Nate Stone. That guy from Remus. Well, he used to be part of Remus. He left them recently. Pretty talented guy." I shrugged.
"Can't be that good if they kicked him out."
"They didn't kick him out. It was creative differences or something like that," he said. I smiled to myself. Creative differences. Thank God for good PR.
"Creative differences? Who was he? Like, their John Lennon?"
"He didn't like the direction the major label was taking band's music. Ever heard their stuff?"
"Nope. That Nate guy sounds like a loser," I said. The bartender kept looking at me. Telling him to fuck off would be the worst thing to throw him off my scent. You didn't want fans saying they met you, and you were a douche. I kept my head down, drinking my Coke.
"You know. You sort of sound like him, too," the guy said. I swore quietly. He knew. I looked at him.
"Did you like the label or independent stuff better?" I asked. The guy laughed. I hoped he’d say independent.
"I knew it was you. Where are you heading?"
"Hawai'i."
"Vacation?"
"Yep."
"Alone?" he asked. Too many questions. I was just about to answer him when I heard my boarding call. Saved by the bell.
"Yeah. Alone. In fact, I think I need to go get on that plane," I said, trying to discourage him.
"Before you go, could you sign this for me?" he asked, sliding a notebook over. I scribbled my autograph down and gave his notepad back. I finished the soda and got up, leaving to finally get on the plane.
Maybe it was a good thing I’d gotten a Coke. If I’d been on anything stronger, I would have told him anything. Everything he asked. Why I was going to Hawai’i, why we had actually split, the name of the upcoming album where I had had no creative input. I needed to get out of there.
Ten minutes later, I was on the plane. I'd gotten a first class ticket, but as soon as I was in my seat, I wished I'd bought the entire first class cabin out.
I was coming down. I was about to be in this flying tin can for like eight hours. Fuck. Next time, I was flying private — no fucking excuses. Nobody would ask me shit if I got my kit out and shot up at ten thousand feet if I was flying private. My kit was in my checked bag. I was taking this flight sober, unless I could drink.
What the fuck, Nate, I thought. What kind of loser can't stay clean for ten hours? I was already thinking about when I could get high again, and we hadn't even left the ground. I'd gotten high just two hours ago in the parking lot. It was the perfect opportunity to just stop and be normal for one day, and I hadn't been able to do it.
How much longer? How much fucking longer? What would it take? Did I have to die before I stopped doing this shit? I sighed. At least then I wouldn't have the choice to shoot up again.
This was about to be a long-ass flight.
I zoned out as the pilot and cabin crew made their announcements. Emergency exits are here, here, and here. Destination is Lanai Airport. Blah, blah, blah. I put my headphones on and turned on some music. I felt the plane start to move. Eight hours, and I'd be in paradise. Hula dancers sucking my dick. Palm trees and sunshine. In eight hours, I could forget everything that had happened today.