I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, but I never cried. After I got out, I robotically went through the motions of drying my hair and putting on my pajamas. It almost felt like I was standing outside of myself and looking at me as if I were a stranger. Maybe because it was easier to judge a stranger than judge myself although truthfully, I’d done a pretty good job of running myself down.

After turning down the covers on the bed, I slipped inside. Although I was mentally and physically exhausted, sleep never came. I tossed and turned in the bed until I finally got up. I decided I desperately needed a drink. Since I didn’t want to run the risk of seeing anyone in the hotel bar, I raided all the tiny bottles from the mini-bar. After setting them up in a straight line, I began drinking my way through them. When the alcohol was gone, I started in on the chocolate. My binge was rewarded with a heady buzz and an epic case of heartburn.

It was certainly the liquid courage that caused me to pick up my phone. R u guys still partying?

I didn’t have to wait long for Rae to answer. Partied out! Headed 2 hotel 2 crash.

Need 2 talk 2 u

K. Your room?

Y. Don’t tell Gabe.

A long pause csme before Rae responded K. I could only imagine what was running through her mind after my request. I knew it was wrong of me to ask her to be dishonest to Gabe, but I couldn’t have him knowing she was talking to me. I couldn’t let that get back to Eli.

While I waited to talk to Rae, I tried occupying my mind by flipping television channels. When that didn’t work, I started organizing my suitcase. I’d just made another stop to the hotel mini-bar for more chocolate when a gentle knock came at the door.

I sprinted over to throw open the door. Without a word, Rae ducked inside. After she took in the empty mini-bar liquor bottles and chocolate wrappers littering the room, she gave me a knowing look. “Trying to drink and eat your troubles away?”

“Something like that.”

“I’m guessing it wasn’t too successful based on the fact you wanted to talk to me at three in the morning.”

“I’m sorry, Rae. I know you’re probably exhausted, or that Gabe might’ve wanted…” I flushed when I realized what I was alluding to.

Rae snorted. “Gabe staggered in the room and passed out on the bed in his suit and tie. He doesn’t even know I’m gone.”

“He must’ve done some serious celebrating tonight.”

“He did.” I couldn’t bring myself to ask her if Eli was still doing some serious celebrating that involved members of the opposite sex.

I motioned to the sofa. “Wanna sit down?”

“Sure.”

“I’d offer you a drink, but I’m pretty sure I wiped everything out.”

Rae laughed. “After all the alcohol I’ve consumed over the course of this evening, the only thing I need to be drinking is water.”

“Oh, okay.”

When I remained standing, Rae asked, “Aren’t you going to sit down?”

I hadn’t even realized I hadn’t taken a seat. After I flopped down beside her, Rae’s expression turned sympathetic. “We missed you tonight at the parties.”

“I know. I just couldn’t do it.”

“I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been watching the tribute to Jack.”

My throat tightened at the mention of his name. After swallowing hard, I said, “It was.” Guilt filled me that I was playing off my grief at the moment, rather than what had actually happened.

“If you’re worried about the guys being mad that you skipped out on the parties, I promise you they’re not. While Gabe completely understood, Eli seemed beside himself with worry about you.”

An ache spread through my chest at the mention of Eli. “He did?”

“He had all these women throwing themselves at him, but all he could do was check his phone to see if you’d called or texted him.”

“Oh, God,” I murmured.

“I know. I hate thinking about how Gabe was such a man-whore before he got with me. I don’t think he would have withstood the temptation tonight like Eli did.”

I shook my head. “I’m a horrible person, Rae.”

Her brows creased in confusion. “For getting upset over your husband’s memorial?”

“Jack isn’t the reason I couldn’t attend the parties tonight.” I swallowed hard. “It was Eli.”

Rae frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“Eli and I had sex tonight,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“I had sex with Eli tonight.”

Her eyes bulged comically wide. “You did?”

“It happened after we came back here.”

“Holy shit.” Rae scrambled off the couch and hurried across the room. Bending over, she threw open the door of the mini-bar.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to find some alcohol. I need a drink for this conversation.”

“Fabulous,” I muttered while putting my head in my hands.

After rifling around for a few seconds, Rae exclaimed, “Aha!”, which caused me to jump. Like I had earlier, she didn’t bother with a glass. She just turned it up and sucked it down in one long gulp. Once she had some liquid fortification, she came back to sit beside me.

“Okay, so exactly how did it happen?”

“You mean, like against the wall and then on the bed?”

Rae smacked her hand over her eyes. “Oh my God! No, that’s not what I meant.”

Mortification filled me at what I’d said. Damn all the alcohol I’d had.

“What I meant was how did it go from what I assume was Eli comforting you to you guys having sex?”

Make me forget, Eli. Make me feel alive again.

“After the past months on the road, I’d finally started to feel like me again—like I wasn’t just the grieving widow. I was Emersyn—singer and musician. But the moment I saw that video of Jack, I was destroyed.” Turning away from Rae’s intense gaze, I sighed. “I just wanted to get back to feeling like I had before, and somehow in my mind that involved having sex. Thankfully, Eli was willing and able.” I winced. “Okay, so maybe not so thankfully.”

“If it hadn’t been Eli, were you just going to find some random guy to hook up with?”

“No, no, of course not.”

A knowing look came over Rae’s face. “Exactly.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“You didn’t just want to feel alive again through sex. You wanted to feel alive through sex with Eli.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but then I quickly closed it back when I realized there was no point. I couldn’t lie to Rae when she already knew the truth. “You’re right. I didn’t want any other man but Eli.”

“Even though you might not want to answer, I have to know something. Was the sex bad?”

A reel of elicit images filled my mind, causing goose bumps to pop up along my arms. “No. It wasn’t bad.” My hand came to my lips as I recalled the feel of Eli’s desperate mouth moving against my own. “It was really, really good.”

Tilting her head, Rae implored, “How good?”

“Two orgasms good.”

“Damn,” she murmured.

“But do you know how utterly insane it feels to have your best friend give you great sex?”

“Well, I consider Gabe my best friend, and he certainly gives me great sex with lots of orgasms.”

“But it’s not the same. You and Gabe haven’t known each other since you were kids.”

“That’s true.”

Massaging my aching temples, I asked, “How are we ever going to move on from this?”

Rae’s dark brows creased. “Wait a minute. Why do you need to move on?”

“Because we’ve been friends since we were ten, and now we’re bandmates. There’s too much at stake for us to try out a romantic relationship.”

“Haven’t you ever stopped to wonder if maybe there was more between you and Eli?”

“No.”

“You’re a horrible liar, Emersyn,” Rae quipped.

“Okay, fine. You’re right. There is something between us. It’s been growing for a while.”

“Then why in the world would you want to move on? Don’t you know how hard it is to find someone that you have both emotional and physical chemistry with?”

“I do. In the past, I’d only ever experienced it with Jack.”

“But now you’re feeling it with Eli.”

“Yes and no.” I threw my hands up. “I’m just so confused.”

“I’m sure he’s feeling the same way. You just need to talk to him.”

“I’m not sure I can.”

“You won’t know until you try. Besides, as close quarters as the two of you are in with the band, you can’t leave things like this between you.”

“I know. I just don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t try overthinking it. Just let your heart lead you.”

I groaned. “I’m not sure that’s such a great idea. I let my body lead me, and look where it got me.”

“Letting your body lead you is a completely different thing,” Rae countered.

“Tell me about it.”

Rae’s phone dinged. When she looked at it, she snorted. “Apparently Gabe has woken up and wants to know where I am.”

With a smile, I replied, “It’s okay. I’m good now. Go back to your man.”

Her fingers flew over the keys of her phone. “I’m telling him I went downstairs to call my sister to tell her about the parties.”

“He won’t get suspicious about why your sister is up at three in the morning?”

Rae shook her head. “Kennedy owns a bakery, so a couple days a week she goes into work early to bake bread.”

“Oh, I see.”

We rose off the couch together. “I seriously can’t thank you enough for talking me down from the ledge.”

Smiling, Rae said, “You don’t owe me any thanks. We’ve all had our moments. Lord knows I had them with Gabe. Loving Renard men isn’t easy.”

“I’ll second that one. Well, I guess I do.”

Rae pinned me with a hard stare. “You do love him. Don’t listen to this—” She tapped my head. “Listen to that.” She pointed to my heart. “I listened to the voices in my head for far too long, and it almost cost me Gabe.”

Unable to speak for a moment, I merely nodded my head. When I finally found my voice, I said, “I will. I promise.”

When I opened the door for Rae, Eli stood before me. His gaze bobbed between the two of us before his eyebrows sloped angrily downward. “What is she doing here?” he demanded.”

The roughness of his tone took both Rae and me by surprise. “I needed to talk to someone.”

“You needed to talk to me.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry. But I just couldn’t.”

Appearing uncomfortable, Rae stepped past me. “I better get back to my room.”

With a grateful look, I said, “Thank you for talking with me.”

Eli rolled his eyes, which Rae ignored. “You’re welcome.”

“Unbelievable,” he muttered as Rae started down the hallway.

Once she was back inside hers and Gabe’s room, I asked, “Why are you so angry about me talking to Rae?”

“Why? Maybe because I spent all night worrying about you. I couldn’t think of anyone or anything else. Guilt ate at me that I’d hurt you both emotionally and physically with the sex.” Eli’s expressions softened into one of regret. “Jesus, Sonny, I should have been stronger and told you no. There are so many things that need to be said between us, and the last thing we needed to do was confuse that with sex.”

“That’s true,” I said softly.

“When we got back to the hotel, I was so fucking strung out with worry that I couldn’t sleep. I just kept pacing around my room. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I had to know if you were all right.” A bitter smile twisted on his lips. “And what do I find when I get here? You betraying me by spilling your guts to Rae.”

“I wasn’t betraying you. I just needed someone to talk to.” When he started to protest, I held up my hand. “Okay, fine. I needed a woman’s perspective.”

“You never have before. You’ve never had an issue confiding your problems in me.”

In that moment, I became both mentally and physically drained. It was like I didn’t have the strength to stand and listen to Eli anymore. I just wanted to go to bed. I wanted to have a few hours of sleep before I tried discussing this with him. I desperately needed to reboot so I could be prepared to say and do the right thing when it came to us. Reaching my ultimate level of exasperation, I demanded, “Don’t you get it? You are the problem.”

Eli’s head jerked back like I’d slapped him. “That’s what I am to you? A problem?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just—”

Hurt burned in his eyes. “Jesus, Sonny, you sure know how to wound someone.”

As he turned to go, I reached out for him. “Wait, Eli.”

He shrugged me away before stalking down the hall. I jumped at the sound of his door slamming. Just when I thought the night couldn’t get any worse, it had. As I stepped back into my room, I couldn’t believe what I’d just said and did. In all our years together, I couldn’t remember a time when I’d hurt Eli’s feelings.

I didn’t blame him for walking away from me. I hated what I’d done, too. Overall, I was completely and totally disgusted at the person I had become. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe it would be better for him if he wasn’t with me. I was certain he deserved better.