I’m not sure I’d ever hated myself as much as I did in the days following when Eli and I had sex. I didn’t know I could possibly harbor so much callousness within me, but I did. As I continued hurting Eli day by day, it was like I became a stranger to myself. Like I was standing outside myself and watching my behavior with horror. For two people with an unprecedented level of intimacy, we’d apparently finally found our kryptonite. I’d wanted to call him a million times, but I’d never had the courage to pick up the phone.

Because of my brothers’ schedules with their in-laws, I wouldn’t be sitting down with my parents on Thanksgiving. Instead, we had a huge dinner planned on Saturday. Last year, I hadn’t been emotionally up to seeing my brothers and their happy families. Instead, I’d stayed home and coasted along on a steady stream of Valium.

Although it was probably one of the worst ideas I’d ever had, I accepted Jack’s mom, Rachel’s, invitation to eat Thanksgiving with them. With two homemade pecan pies in my arms, I rang the doorbell. Jack’s brother, Ben, answered the door. “Hey there, stranger.”

“Hey, Ben.”

“Let me take those for you,” he offered as he reached for the pies.

“Thanks. I really wish your mom had let me bring more.”

With a shake of his head, he replied, “From the looks of the kitchen, we’re going to have enough food to feed the foreign legion.”

I laughed. Rachel and her sisters were known for their amazing cooking skills. I’d never left a meal with them without needing to unbutton my pants. “Come on in. Everyone’s in the living room,” Ben said.

Once I stepped inside the foyer, a rush of memories overcame me. While I expected tears to sting my eyes, they didn’t. Instead, only a pang of sadness tugged my heart. I could hear the roar of conversation down the hall.

When I entered the living room, Ben’s daughters, Valerie and Alyssa, launched themselves at me. “Aunt Emersyn!” they cried. I’d just started dating Jack when Valerie was born, and I got to be at the hospital two years later when Alyssa came along.

“Hey, sweethearts, how are you?”

“Good. We got a puppy!” Alyssa exclaimed.

“You did?”

Valerie nodded. “And we named her Jackie after Uncle Jack.”

My gaze bounced from the girls over to Ben. He gave me a sad smile. “I think that’s a beautiful name for a puppy, and Uncle Jack would have loved that you named her for him.”

I spent the next few minutes wading through all of Jack’s uncles and cousins. Just when I began to feel completely overwhelmed, Ben came up to me with a glass of wine. “I thought you might want some refreshment.”

“Thank you. I would love some.”

After taking several large sips of the wine, I headed to the kitchen to see if I could help. I found Rachel in the midst of her two sisters, and Ben’s wife, Jess. When she looked up and saw me, both pain and happiness flashed in her eyes. “Emersyn, I’m so glad you came to join us.”

“I’m so glad you asked me.”

As she pulled me into her embrace, tears pricked my eyes. I’d lost so much when I’d lost Jack, but she had lost her child. He might’ve been a grown man, but he would always be her child. When she pulled away, she stared intently into my eyes. “You look good.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll be honest. The last time I saw you it worried me that you were going to waste away.” She placed her hands on my cheeks. “Touring certainly agrees with you.”

“It has been very good for me.”

Her eyes narrowed at me for a moment. Then, she stepped away from me and started untying her apron. “Would you mind running a quick errand with me?”

“Sure. I’d be happy to.”

She nodded at her sisters. “You guys man the fort. The turkey should be ready in half an hour.”

“I hope so. The natives are getting restless,” Jess quipped with a smile.

I followed Rachel out the kitchen door and into the garage. “You don’t mind driving, do you? My car is blocked in.”

“No. I don’t.”

Once we got into the car and I’d cranked the ignition, I turned to Rachel. “Where to?”

“The cemetery.”

I tightened my hands on the steering wheel. “You want to go to Jack’s grave now?”

“I won’t have another chance today. By the time everyone leaves, it will be dark.”

“Um, okay.”

During the five-minute trip to the cemetery, Rachel and I made small talk about her grandchildren. She didn’t ask me about my new life with Jacob’s Ladder, and I didn’t volunteer any information. I could only imagine how painful the topic of music was considering how it was such a big part of Jack’s life.

Since I’d been out on tour, I hadn’t been to the cemetery. As I eased the car up close to where Jack’s grave was, I became overwhelmed with guilt. I should have found a way to visit more. I was a shitty widow.

After we got out of the car, Rachel and I began a silent walk through the headstones. The closer we got to Jack’s grave, the faster my heart began to beat. I drew in a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself. I didn’t know why it was affecting me so much. Even in my darkest days of grief, I’d never felt this way when I’d come to the cemetery.

When we reached Jack’s grave, I found the flowers in his vase were askew, so I bent down and began to rearrange the flowers.

“What are you doing here, Emersyn?” Rachel asked.

I threw a curious glance at her over my shoulder. Rachel was only in her sixties. I couldn’t imagine she would be losing her mind this early. “Fixing Jack’s flowers.”

Rachel shook her head. “I meant what are you doing here with us? Of all the places you could be spending Thanksgiving, you’re here with your dead husband’s family.”

“It’s what Jack would have wanted.”

“But what is it you want?”

A lump formed in my throat as an image of Eli’s smiling face entered my mind. “I don’t know,” I lied.

Rachel tsked at me. “We both know that’s not true.”

Tears blurred my eyes, and I stepped back from Jack’s headstone. “I can’t talk about this here.”

“Honey, Jack isn’t here,” Rachel protested.

“I know that.” Wincing, I added, “It just seems so disrespectful to his memory to be talking about...”

“Another man?” she suggested.

“Yes.”

“I thought that’s what I saw in your eyes back at the house.” Slipping her arm through mine, Rachel led us over to the marble bench that bore Jack’s name. “Sit down.”

Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, I followed Rachel’s instructions. Once I was seated, Rachel sat down beside me. “While I know it’s hard to imagine what Jack would have felt, I know he would want you to be happy. He would want you living your life to the fullest—the way he always did.”

“I want to believe that.”

“What if the tables were turned? Wouldn’t you have wanted Jack to be happy?”

“Of course, I would have.”

“Wouldn’t you have wanted him to find love again?”

“Yes.” I gave Rachel a weak smile. “Not right away, but yes.”

She laughed. “I’ve told John if I go first, he better wait six months before he even looks at another woman, or I’m going to find a way to come back to haunt him.”

A giggle escaped my lips. It was a truly foreign concept to be laughing in a cemetery, but at the same time, it felt remarkably freeing. “I bet he waits.”

“You and me both.” Rachel took my hand in hers. “It’s been a year, sweetheart. We all feel it’s been long enough.”

“But I didn’t wait a year before I had feelings for someone else.”

“And that’s okay. We’re not in the Victorian times where we would have expected you to wear black for two years. Believe me when I say that John and I want you to find someone to love.”

I shook my head. “In some ways, it still feels like I’m cheating on him. Not to mention tarnishing his memory.”

“But Emersyn, you have to remember that you honored Jack when it mattered most—during his life.”

I mulled over her words. Was Rachel right? Had I been a good wife and honored Jack both in life and in death? Even if I allowed myself to truly move on, I knew I would never completely get over Jack. I would mourn in small ways for the rest of my life. You couldn’t love someone so completely and not continue to grieve their loss. Not even when you had someone as wonderful as Eli wanting to be in your life.

“Deep down, I know you’re right. More than anything in the world, I want to open my heart and let love in.” With a groan, I added, “Why does this have to be so hard?”

“Because it’s life, and there’s nothing about life that’s easy, especially death.” She tilted her head at me. “Do you want to tell me about him?”

I hiccupped a laugh. “Once again, I’m feeling all sorts of wrong talking to my former mother-in-law about a new man in the middle of the cemetery.”

“We can always go for coffee?” she suggested.

“But they’re going to be expecting us back home soon.”

“I’m pretty sure my sisters can get the meal on the table without me.”

“That’s okay. I can talk about it here.” I swallowed hard. “It’s Eli Renard.”

A knowing smile came over Rachel’s face. “I thought as much.”

I gasped. “But how?”

She smiled. “Just a mother’s intuition.” She winked. “And I saw the video of you two.”

Groaning, I replied, “Damn that video!”

“You looked so beautiful together. And so in love.”

“I don’t know about being in love, but he does care about me more than a friend.”

“And what about you? Do you feel the same?”

“Yes. I do. But for some reason, I just shut myself off. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him no matter how hard I tried.”

“Was it because of Jack that you couldn’t tell him?”

“Yes and no. There’s a part of me that was afraid he might just be a rebound after Jack.”

“I don’t think someone who you share such intimacy with could be considered a rebound. You’ve known him for twenty years, Emersyn. He knows you. You know him.”

“That’s not the only intimacy we shared.” Instantly I regretted letting that slip.

“What do you mean?”

Burying my head in my hands, I cried, “God, I can’t say it in front of you.”

“Oh, I see.”

When I peeked at her through my fingers, Rachel was grinning at me. “I might be an old woman, but I still enjoy that myself.”

“Good thing we’re in a cemetery, because I think I’m about to die of embarrassment right now.”

Rachel laughed. “It’s okay, Emersyn. I’m a grown woman. I think I can handle you talking about sex.”

“But I was married to your son. It’s just all types of wrong.”

“Yes, it is. But for the moment, I can suspend the lack of decorum out of my love and concern for you.”

“I guess if you put it that way.”

Rachel nodded. “You and Eli had sex and finally broke down the last door of intimacy between the two of you.”

“Yes. It was wonderful and wrong at the same time.” I shuttered my eyes closed with pain. “Whatever pleasure I experienced was quickly replaced by overwhelming guilt.”

“Because it was the first time you’d had sex since Jack.”

I opened my eyes. “Yes.” I then filled her in on everything else that had happened between Eli and me. When I was done, tears flowed down my cheeks. “He’s been my rock and guardian angel this last year. He’s worked overtime to make me forget my sorrow and to laugh. He’s everything any woman would ever want in a man.”

“But is he what you want?”

“Yes, he is,” I replied, without a moment of hesitation.

Rachel smiled. “Then I think you have your answer there.”

“But what if it doesn’t work out between us?”

“What if it does? Could you live with the regret of never knowing?”

I mulled over her words for a moment. After heaving a sigh, I replied, “No. I couldn’t. When I close my eyes, I see myself with him.”

“So, it’s time to be with him.” And that was why I loved Rachel with all my heart. She had welcomed me into her family with grace and unending love. I had missed them in my life this past year, and I hoped I didn’t have to completely cut myself off from their family when I embraced Eli’s. If he would have me.

Swiping one of my remaining tears away, I said, “I just hope by running away I haven’t ruined things between us.”

“It sounds like you need a grand gesture.

“Like something over-the-top to show him how I feel about him?”

Rachel nodded. “You know you need to make things right, so go to him.”

“Go the distance, and ease his pain,” I murmured.

“I don’t think I understand what you mean.”

I glanced up at her. “Nothing. It’s just a silly reference to Field of Dreams.” One of the hundreds of silly references that only Eli and I understand. But more than that, it’s one that ties Eli’s and my past and future together.

“Do you know where he is?”

With a nod, I replied, “His whole family is at his sister’s house in Georgia for the holidays.”

After rising off the bench, Rachel turned back to me. “We better get home.”

“You’re right. I really hope I haven’t made you miss lunch.”

She smiled. “We need to get back, so you can get to the airport. You have a flight to Georgia to catch.”