Chapter 24
“I want you to make love to me.”
The soft light of dawn had brightened into full afternoon sun. It spilled over the marble foyer floor of John’s townhome. Meredith had gone through most of the day in a daze and was amazed to find herself in what was to be her new home. Little seemed real. After all, she’d not slept the night before and the events of the last twenty-four hours had been beyond imagining.
So, given the wildness of it all, she felt little inhibition. Facing her new husband and asking for what they both desired, felt wonderful. No. More than wonderful. It felt perfect. For who else could she be so forthright with but John?
John made no reply.
Instead, he stood still, so very still, gazing down upon her.
For a moment, her heart cracked. Why was he saying nothing? Had she been mistaken in his acceptance of her?
Before she could turn away, John seized her in his embrace and swept her up against his hard chest.
As he cradled her against him, he mounted the stairs with unbridled purpose and speed.
Holding tight to his shoulder, Merry’s heart raced. She need never have feared. John had wanted her as she had him since that day in the Highlands when they’d spoken on the rugged ben.
At last, they would finally be together.
Nothing could stop them. Not society. Not recriminations or guilt. Not even themselves. Joy washed over her as did a good dose of anticipation.
They were meant to be as one. Husband and wife.
Lovers.
John strode down the wide hall lined with tall paintings of various exploits of leisurely English men and women. He turned to his left then entered a massive bedroom. Towering windows at the far end let in daylight, bathing the room in a lazy glow.
The four-poster bed, draped with blue brocade, beckoned.
He didn’t hesitate.
With a solid kick, he slammed the heavy door shut then took her to the bed.
Unable to stop herself from smiling, Merry laced her fingers into this hair and, as he lowered her, she pulled him down with her.
They collapsed onto the counterpane, laughing.
As if the pain and madness of the last weeks had finally released, they embraced each other.
But then the laughter softened and he looked down at her, passion heating his eyes.
“Kiss me,” she whispered, savoring the feel of his strong body pressing hers down into the mattress.
John studied her lips. “They’re mine now, you know, luv.”
She nodded. “And yours belong to me.”
“All of me does,” he agreed, stroking his fingers along her throat.
“Are you pleased?” she asked without thinking. Once the words were out, she winced. Why had she asked such a thing?
But, much to her surprise, John stroked his fingers up to her temple, then kissed her gently.
“I am pleased, Merry,” he said, his voice a low rumble. “I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”
It should have assured her, but she couldn’t help notice he’d spoken only of wanting. . . Of desire.
Were they to have more? How she hoped so. But now wasn’t the time to discuss that. Now was the time for their passion to finally be met.
“Kiss me again,” she urged softly
Needing no more encouragement, John took her mouth. As they kissed, their tongues touching, their breaths mingling, Merry felt that indescribable need building deep within again.
Hungry and on fire, she stroked her hands along his back, pulling at his coat.
In answer, he leaned back and quickly whipped off several layers of clothing. He threw them down, one after the other, to the beautifully carpeted floor.
When his boots and breeches clunked to the ground, she swallowed.
Naked. John was now naked.
It was positively thrilling.
Slowly, she drew her fingers over the hard, perfect ridges of his chest. In all her life, she’d never seen such beauty. She longed to memorize every curve, every sinew. His muscles tightened under her touch and his breathing grew ragged.
As she lowered her hands, she caught sight of his manhood. Though she wasn’t a virgin, she still wasn’t particularly acquainted with the male anatomy and, so, she felt compelled to investigate.
Tentatively, she touched the hard length. It bobbed, hard, hot and surprisingly velvet.
A breath hissed out of him.
It wasn’t pain. It was sheer pleasure. She knew that from the way his hips bucked towards her.
As if he couldn’t bear it, John suddenly rolled her onto her back and rested his weight atop her.
Wordlessly, he reached between them and slid her skirts up her thighs.
She arched, desperately wishing to take him into her body. It was a need that couldn’t be reasoned with. It felt primal, something deep in her core which commanded her to take.
Kissing her, over and over, then teasing his lips along her throat, John circled his fingers over her soft folds.
She cried out at the intensity of it.
But just before she felt as if she would come apart, he rested the head of his sex between her thighs.
Gasping, she instinctively parted her legs further and he thrust deep.
For a moment, she was shocked. The fullness of it stole her reason and ability to draw breath.
Tensing, he asked, “Are you in pain?”
She shook her head. “No. S-surprised.”
“Surprised?” he echoed, his entire body taut as he waited.
Frowning, she answered, “It is a great deal to take in.”
He moaned against her mouth then whispered, “Tell me if it is too much and you wish to stop.”
She nodded but knew she wouldn’t. This was what she’d longed for. With him. It seemed incredible that it was John who made her wish to be vulnerable and to feel completely alive. But no one understood her as he did.
Slowly, he began to thrust, deep and masterfully into her body.
Each inward stroke tossed her higher and higher, closer to the pleasure he’d once shown her.
The rush of it sent her wrapping her legs about his hips, pulling him ever closer, ever deeper.
And when he brushed his thumb over her center, she cried out his name.
The world spun wildly. Ripple after delicious ripple shimmied through her body.
At her climax, he shuddered and rammed deep in her one last time.
Silence followed as they lay, entangled in each other’s arms.
“I love you, John,” she said suddenly and without consideration. The moment she said it, she knew she meant it, too. She couldn’t stop smiling for the joy of it.
For he was the only one who knew her nature, who wished her to be happy, and who made her feel utterly alive in this world.
Much to her surprise, he flinched.
Of all the possible responses, that hadn’t been what she’d expected.
The temptation to pull away from him was overwhelming. But she did not. After all that had transpired, she was done with not embracing her feelings. She wasn’t about to start hiding them now. And rather than hide from John, or recriminate him, she knew what need to be done. She needed to reach out to him and his damaged soul.
“Does that upset you?” she asked gently.
“How can you love me?” he rasped, panic furrowing his brow.
“I don’t know,” she teased, shrugging. “It’s a mystery.”
He sighed. “Merry, what am I to do with you?”
“Love me,” she replied as though it was the most obvious and simplest thing in the world, because really when she thought on it, it was. To do anything else would be painful. “Be happy with me. Life is ours for the taking now.”
“How can you say that after what happened last night?” he pointed out, a frantic note to his rich voice. “Look at the jackals who were so eager to tear you apart.”
Without hesitation, she cupped his jaw. “Yes, and look at the man who so swiftly came to my defense.”
He said nothing.
“John, you seem determined to believe you have no heart. But your actions speak otherwise,” she said quietly. “And actions are far more important than words. Over and over you have come to my aid. You’ve tried to protect me.” She licked her lips then ventured, “I think you care.”
He looked away. “I do care. I cannot help but care. You do something to me. It’s bloody terrifying.”
“Terrifying?” she questioned, turning his face back towards hers.
A shuddering breath passed his lips. “I made a decision a long time ago that I would never suffer as I once did.”
“Ah.” She nodded. “I remember telling you your fear of pain would allow you no happiness.”
“You did,” he agreed and he didn’t pull away from her but nor did he soften.
“The past has you in its grip then?” she asked, her own throat tightening. It wouldn’t be fair if they had come so far to go no further. They both deserved more than that.
Tears shimmered in his eyes and he blinked rapidly. “I do not know how to let go of it.”
“Let me help you.” Merry wrapped her arms around him, her own heart throbbing at his pain, and pulled him close. She gently rested his head on her shoulder. “I must ask you something. Something which might cause you pain.”
“Yes?” he asked, his voice dark as he allowed himself to be held.
She stroked his hair and rested her cheek against the top of his head. “Do you think your mother would be happy?”
He tensed but didn’t pull away. “I beg your pardon?”
“To see you deny yourself love?” she clarified, keeping her voice even, without judgement. “To see you hurt? Would your mother be happy? Or do you think that somewhere, she is desperately hoping that you will accept the love that is due you? John, it is so clear to me that you and your mother loved each other deeply.”
“We did. We—” His voice broke. “I have never. . . Merry, I miss her. I miss her so much, even now.”
“Then honor her,” she encouraged, wrapping her arms around him, desperate to take his pain away. “Honor her with your happiness. It will free you both.”
He drew back and took her hands in his. “You’re asking me to give up a lifetime of self-protection.”
“No,” she countered. “I’m asking you to choose a lifetime full of love.”
The silence that fell between them sent an alarming jolt through her heart. What if he couldn’t choose love? What would happen to them both? Would they be destined to be apart? To drift away from each other?
John slipped his hands from hers.
“There is something I must do,” he said finally.
Hands now resting limply in her lap, she felt helpless. “Can I-”
“No,” he cut in quietly. “This is something I must do alone.”
She nodded. “Come back to me, John. Come back and let me love you.”
“I will try,” he replied, his face was haunted as he stood and left her alone on the bed.
And for the first time in her life, Merry felt true fear. For she did not know if the man who returned to her would be free or still a prisoner of the past.