Chapter One
“Cassie, can you grab three of the specials and get them over to table six?” Jerry yells at me.
I smile and nod to him, but what I really want to do is stab the fucker a few hundred times in the chest and watch his face while I do it. I swear if he accidently touches my ass one more time I am going to break his arm. Walking into the kitchen I see the right hand of Andy Marciano standing by the door. I know that bastard is in the building. I just don’t know who he is. No one has been able to get a picture of him in the ten years he’s been a player, so he is basically a ghost. It takes everything I have not to bend over and grab the knife strapped to my ankle and slice that fuckers throat wide open. Johnny McDonald, fucking asshole, rapist and murderer.
Sal hands me three of the specials, “Thanks,” I turned to head out to table six.
As I pass Jenny walking to the bar she shoots me a look, her eyes full of fear. I know she is one of the girls that Jerry forces to fuck some of his customers. He asked me once, I told him no fucking way. I quit that day. I can still remember him chasing me out the kitchen door.
“Come on Cassie. I just thought you might want to make some extra money. I mean with a body like yours, my customers are always asking.” I wanted to gut the fucker then.
“I am not a fucking whore!” I shouted at him.
“You’re the best god damn waitress I have. I promise I won’t ask again. Come on, I’ll even give you a raise.” He shouted as I rounded the back end of my beat up Chevy. Which caused me to stop.
“How much?” I asked.
“Another five an hour. You’re good for business with that tight ass of yours.” He smiled.
“You’re a disgusting pig, Jerry. You make my skin crawl.”
“So you’ll stay? I swear I will keep you safe.”
I chuckled to myself, thinking, I don’t need you to fucking keep me safe. “I’ll do it, but don’t you dare think for one minute that I am going to fuck anyone.”
His smile touched his eyes, “I promise.”
He waited for me to walk towards him. I know he is sweet on me, and I do believe the fucking prick might even think he has a chance with me. Not going to happen. “If I’m your best waitress then why do you keep hiring the bimbo’s?”
“Because they fuck the customer’s,” he chuckled.
“You do know that running a whore house is illegal right?”
“It’s only illegal if you get caught. Besides, the guys are the guys, they can get a piece of ass where ever they want. No one says no to them.”
“I just did. So what should I watch my back now?”
“No, you are safe.”
“Why? Why am I safe Jerry, and the rest of the girls aren’t? What makes me immune?” I stopped walking. I needed to keep this job, I needed to find that bastard Marciano. I needed to end him and all his fucking buddies.
He chuckled, “Because when I asked you, you had balls enough to tell me to fuck off. I have to respect that. Those other bitches just buckled and did it. Now I own them.”
I shook my head, “You’re a disgusting pig Jerry, you know that right?”
He laughed, “I do. But come on, don’t quit. You bring a bit of class to the joint.”
“Fine, whatever. But don’t try to sell me again or I might not stop with just walking out the door.”
“See, you aren’t afraid of me. I like that.”
“What are you some kind of sick masochist. You get off on a strong willed woman? Please don’t tell me you like to be tied up and whipped.” I had to actually swallow the bile that rose up in my throat.
“Fuck no. You remind me of my mother.”
“Great, thanks a fucking lot.”
“No, not like that. She was a proud woman. She didn’t let life beat her down, no matter how hard it was for us. She squared her shoulders and took this life head on. You’re like that, no matter how bad it gets you hold your head up and stand proud. I respect that.”
I think he just paid me a compliment. “Thank you?”
“Come on, you still have three hours on your shift. I’ll even be nice and not dock you the twenty minutes we’ve been out here.”
I walk back into the kitchen, to grab another order. Fucking Johnny was still standing at the back door. I heard him say to Jerry as I walked by, “Hey, I like her. How much is she?”
Jerry laughed, “That one, I’m afraid is not for sale. She has the bite of a cobra, trust me.”
“Awe Jerry, everyone has a price.” He looked at me as I started to walk out.
“Not that one, and if I were you, I’d watch your balls. You may end up with them in your hand.”
I looked up at him and smiled. The look I got back was one of pure evil. “Ah, little girl, the things I could teach you about obedience,” he said laughing.
I just shook my head. I knew he would end up in the morgue. Just like the rest of them, he would be number fifteen. I often wondered what Mr. Marciano thought of his men disappearing. Apparently not much because new ones just appeared where the old ones disappeared.
I finished my shift and headed back to the rat hole I had taken as a residence, for this job. I hated this place. But I needed to make sure I wasn’t followed. I did what I do every night. I go in and make it look like I am getting ready for bed. I turn on the shower and pretend to use it. Then I walk around in front of the windows changing my clothes, and then I turn off the lights and leave through the back door of the building to the waiting car that takes me to the luxury apartment downtown for my day job. It’s tiring, but I am so close to the end of this two year fucking nightmare.
Walking in, I dropped the short black wig in the drawer, strip off the sweats and hit a real shower. One with white walls and no mold or bugs crawling all over the place. I turn the water to the hottest temperature my body can stand. I hate that fucking place. I can’t scrub my body hard enough to make it all go away. But it is what it is, and I need to do this. I need to end this.
After I run the hot water out, I wrap myself in one of my luxury white towels and make my way to the bed. To the only place I can take my heart out and make myself feel warm inside. Reaching for the night stand I reach under it and pull the phone from its secret compartment and turn it on. This is the best part of my day. As it comes to life, message after message arrives. My smile is wide and my heart speeds up.
Opening the first one I can feel the tears stinging my eyes.
I miss you.
When are you coming home?
We made chocolate chip cookies. Ruth put some in the freezer for you.
I have to go to bed now, I love you.
My heart hurts, as the tears roll down my face. It’s like this, every night. Every day as I move through the motions, setting up each piece of the puzzle I know what the reward is and it makes that day one step closer to the peace that awaits me. I type back a few responses.
I miss you too.
Soon my love, soon I will be home.
Thank you for saving me some. I hope it’s enough for you to share them with me. Tell Ruth thank you.
I am going to bed now as well. I love you more than the flowers love the sun.
Pulling the phone to my chest, I cry silently, wishing none of this happened. Wanting my life to be my life again. My happy stupid carefree life. I miss Steven. I look at my hand where my wedding band use to sit. The memory of leaving him still so fresh in my mind.
He had come home from work shortly after I had gotten the news. He walked in to me throwing the dishes out of the sink onto the kitchen floor screaming.
“What’s wrong?” He said. I looked up at him. “Whatever it is beautiful, we can get through it.”
I shook my head, “No, we can’t. I can’t. It’s just too much. This isn’t going to work. I need to go.”
I went to walk out of the room and he grabbed my arm. “Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving. I’m done. I don’t want to be married to you. I can’t be married to you anymore. I feel like I’m going to suffocate.” I stormed out of the kitchen and out the front door. Tears falling from my eyes. He is the love of my life. The greatest man I’ve ever known, but he can’t know. He must never know the truth.
“I love you,” I whisper to the air. “I miss you each and every day.”
That was two years, eleven months and twenty-five days ago. That’s how long I’ve been working to end this.
Turning off the phone, I slip it back in its compartment and take my day phone out of the drawer, turning it on and sitting it down while I put on my shorts and tee shirt. Crawling back into bed I pick up the phone to see eleven missed calls and a few tests. Turning off the light, and getting comfortable I go through the texts. Nothing important, just Kelly from my day job, wanting to get together this weekend for drinks. I turned on my alarm and went to sleep. Well tried to sleep. I don’t do much of that these days.
The ringing of the phone stirs me. I’m standing by the front door watching, but not participating. I see myself run down the stairs and down the hall to the kitchen. I am drawn to the me I see before me. I have long red hair. As I disappear through the doorway the ringing stops.
“Hello,” I say out of breath. “Yes this is she. Wait who are you?” I laugh, “Steven is this a joke?”
I watch as my smile slowly leaves my face. I watch as the tears build up in my eyes. I watch as my body starts to shake. I watch as I drop the phone turning to the sink to vomit. I want to rush over and hold myself but I am riveted to the spot by the doorway. After I rinse my mouth out I pick up the phone.
“Yes, I understand. I’ll be there tonight. Thank you.” My voice sounds like a robot.
I can feel every emotion, fear, sadness, anger. Watching myself look around the kitchen I know, I know this is over. This life, my life. After eight years of marriage to the perfect man my life is over. Victoria Holmes is gone. I watched as the anger came out. Screaming I started throwing things. It didn’t make me feel any better but I was mad, pissed and terrified. I can feel it, like it happened yesterday.
I heard the front door open and I turned to see Steven. My heart hurt knowing I would only ever see him again in my dreams. I love him completely and he is no longer my life.
I woke up, sitting straight up in bed, my heart slamming in my chest. I run into my closet, pulling up the carpet in the back corner. Picking up my wedding band, I slip it on my finger and grab the picture that lays upside down. My hands shaking and my eyes blurred from the tears. Tracing his face, I whisper, “I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”
When I finish with my pity party, I slip my ring off my finger and put the only two pieces of my love back under the carpet for safe keeping. I’m not going to get any more sleep so I just stay up and get ready for my day job. It’s time again to become Sue Costello.
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