Chapter Fourteen
Ellie felt like she’d been moving through a thick blanket of fog all day long. She was grateful to have Nick along to help with Henry. Once they’d announced they were going shopping to pick out the Christmas tree, Henry’s enthusiasm level had gone from his usual exuberance to bouncing off the walls. He was even more enthused when snow started falling, earlier than forecast.
Thick white flakes fell as they’d wandered the tree lot, Henry pulling her along like it was already Christmas, yelling at the top of his lungs, “How about this one, Momma?”
Ellie was not ready to deal with Henry’s level of enthusiasm right now. Not when she was so far in her head, deep in thought about Nick, about what had happened between them last night. She had to figure out a way to tell him that, while last night had been amazing, had been more than she could ever dream of, it couldn‘t be repeated.
Fortunately, Nick had Henry well in hand and she tried to nod at all the appropriate times so Nick would think she was involved in the decision-making.
Frankly, she didn’t care. One tree was just as good as another as far as she was concerned. It were green, it smelled good, and it were pretty once you got the lights and the ornaments on it. And, hopefully as soon as possible after Christmas, it would come down. She was doing her best to get into the holiday spirit, but she could only handle so much.
They stopped in front of a noble fir that she thought was way too big.
“It’s the perfect size,” Nick said.
“It’s great, Momma. Can we have this one?” Henry tilted his head and stared up at the tree, snowflakes already covering his navy blue beanie.
It was cold, she couldn’t feel her toes anymore, and she was ready to be done.
“Yup. It’s perfect. This one will do.”
They bought the tree and Nick loaded it in the truck. When they got home, Nick set the tree up in front of the window in the living room.
“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Henry asked.
She smiled at him. “It sure is. And very large.”
Nick tightened the tree stand, then stood and looked at her. “Too big? You said it was perfect.”
“I did, and it’s fine.”
“It’s super-big so Santa won’t miss it,” Henry said.
Nick ruffled Henry’s hair. “No way he’s missing this one, buddy. Let’s get the lights on it.”
Ellie went into the kitchen and got water to put into the tree basin. Once she did that, she stood back while Nick and Henry strung the lights around the tree. It tugged at her heart to watch them, to hear her son’s giggle when Nick teased him about the lights drooping on the ground, then told Henry about him doing the same thing to the lights when he was a kid.
John would have loved doing this with Henry. Christmas was his favorite time of year.
Her heart squeezed as she realized that Henry would never know his father, and that the only father figure he actually knew was Nick. As far as Henry was concerned, Nick was his father.
As she sat on the edge of the sofa and watched the way Nick interacted with Henry, she realized how much Nick loved her son. He’d given up so much of himself to be there for Henry. Late-night walks up and down the hall when Henry was a baby so that Ellie could get some sleep. The worried looks on Nick’s face whenever Henry had been sick. He’d gone to all the pediatrician appointments with her when Henry was a baby so she wouldn’t have to do it alone. Any time she’d had to work overtime, Nick had always stepped in to be there for Henry.
Not just Henry. Nick had also been there for her. She’d never done it alone because Nick had always been around.
And she knew it wasn’t only because of Henry. She’d counted on Nick, first as her friend, her shoulder to lean on, her rock during her time of grief. Then, more recently, she realized something else had developed between them.
They shared the same sense of humor about the dumbest things, and, oh, God, she loved laughing with him. She couldn’t imagine not having him to share in the everyday, mundane things in life.
It had all been gradual, but she should have seen the signs. Maybe she’d tried to deny it, but she couldn’t anymore. Not after last night. She had to face the realization that she was in love with Nick. Like, totally, completely, heart-poundingly in love with Nick.
She shifted her glance to Nick and Henry, the two of them talking about how to hang the ornaments.
Nick was totally and completely ingrained in her life. In Henry’s life.
She felt so selfish, as if she’d held Nick back for the past five years. Who knew what kind of life he could have had if he hadn’t had to take care of her and of Henry?
Tears pricked her eyes.
“I’ll be right back,” she said. She made her way down the hall and into her room. She shut the door and went to sit on the bed, forcing the tears away.
This was all wrong. She couldn’t let it happen. It was so unfair of her to shackle Nick with a woman and kid that he hadn’t chosen for himself.
There was a soft knock on the door.
“Ellie?”
Just the sound of Nick’s voice was like a balm to her soul. Whenever she’d had sad feelings in the past, she could always talk about them with Nick. Except now, her feelings were about Nick. And she couldn’t even talk to Nick about how she felt.
This was awful.
The knock came again.
“Ellie?”
With a sigh, she said, “Yes.”
“You okay?”
She swiped at the tears that she realized had fallen down her cheeks. “I’m fine.”
Nick paused, but she knew he was still at the door.
“You sure?”
“Yes. I’m good.”
“We’re ready to decorate the tree. You want to join in?”
No, she didn’t want to join in. She wanted it to not be Christmas. She wanted to not have fallen in love with Nick.
She also realized she couldn’t change any of the things she didn’t want.
She inhaled a deep breath, then let it out. “I’ll be right there.” Then she thought for a minute. Actually, she might be able to change one thing. She washed her face, got it together, then opened the door and headed down the hall, putting on her fake happy face, because it was time to decorate the hell out of that tree—and her house—for Christmas.
For Henry.