Chapter Four
After a restless night, Ellie had been happy to flee the house extra early this morning for her shift at the hospital. She’d dressed and brewed a cup of coffee, made her lunch as well as Nick’s and Henry’s, then left a note for Nick so he’d be aware she had already gone.
Cowardly, for sure, but she wasn’t yet ready to face him after last night. She figured by the time she got home she might be able to handle it. Handle him.
Or not handle him. She definitely should not handle Nick in any way at all.
She rolled her eyes and parked in the employee parking lot at the hospital, then headed up to the maternity floor. She slid her lunch into the fridge and went downstairs to the cafeteria for breakfast. She’d likely not get a break until lunchtime, which often was an on-the-go and on-her-feet kind of meal. Since she was early this morning, she intended to have a leisurely breakfast while she had the chance.
She got coffee, a bowl of fresh fruit, and an egg-white omelet along with an orange juice, paid for the meal, and carried the tray to a nearby table. The coffee tasted like a small slice of heaven on earth.
It was so rare to have these moments to herself. It might only be fifteen minutes, but this was nirvana.
“You’re early today. You’re never early.”
She looked up to see her friend Francesca Garavaldi slide into the seat across from her.
“I’m early sometimes,” Ellie said.
Fran pinned her with a look. “No, sometimes you make it right before shift change. Most times you’re running like your hair is on fire and you’re late.”
“Okay, fine. So this is unusual. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I thought I’d start out the week coming in early and having a good breakfast.”
Fran picked up her bagel and tore off a piece, chewing while she stared thoughtfully at Ellie. She washed it down with a giant swallow of coffee, then said, “Something’s different. What happened?”
“Nothing happened.”
“That’s a load of BS and you know it. Tell me what’s going on. Is Henry okay?”
“Henry’s fine. And okay, maybe something happened. Sort of.”
“It’s not like you to be vague, Ellie.”
She was right, of course. “So I kicked Nick in the balls last night. Accidentally,” she added quickly.
Fran arched a brow, then grasped her cup in both hands and leaned closer. “I can’t wait to hear this story.”
“We were watching TV. Nick made popcorn, right after I had served him up some zucchini bread. He’s always hungry, you know.”
Fran nodded. “Because he’s a man.”
“Right. Anyway, he was teasing me about not sharing and suddenly we were battling for the popcorn bowl. I scrambled up his body to grab it from him and there went my knee, right into his testicles.”
Fran grimaced. “Ouch.”
“Yeah. He hurried into his bedroom and shut the door, and wouldn’t let me tend to him.”
Fran gave Ellie a sideways look. “Imagine that.”
“He was rather adamant about it. But come on, Fran. I’m a nurse and we’re friends.” Though last night Nick said something about them being more than that. And she still didn’t know what he meant.
“He’s a hot single guy and you’re a hot single woman,” Fran said.
“It’s not like that between us.”
“Maybe he wants it to be like that between the two of you. Or maybe you want it to be like that between the two of you.”
Ellie shook her head. “I can’t. He’s John’s brother.”
“So what? He’s gorgeous and has an amazing body. He’s smart and he’s funny. He’s been there every step of the way with you, and you know he’s great as a friend. Plus you already know he’s an awesome father figure to Henry.”
“Yes. Henry loves him.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“He’s John’s brother.”
Fran rolled her eyes. “You already said that. And that’s not even relevant. If you’re attracted to him, honey, then go for it.”
Ellie took a sip of her coffee, then cupped the warm liquid between her hands. “It just feels wrong somehow. And I can’t help but feel the attraction is due to the close proximity we’ve shared the past five years.”
“You mean any guy will do?”
“Ew.”
“Well, that’s what you meant, wasn’t it?”
“No. Not at all. I mean, of course I’m attracted to Nick. How could I not be? He’s so fine-looking, and he’s responsible and great with Henry.”
“So what’s the problem?”
Where did she start? “I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“You know things are going to close up or get moldy down there if you don’t get some action soon.”
Ellie choked out a laugh. “Fran.”
“Well, come on, honey. You’re going on five years without sex. Don’t you want some sex?”
More than she’d ever tell her best friend. “Yes.”
“Okay, then. How about having it with Nick?”
She shrugged. “It just doesn’t seem fair to him to even suggest it. I’ve been the only woman in his life. He hasn’t dated, has never brought a woman over, hasn’t had a relationship because all he’s done is take care of Henry and me.”
“So what do you want to do, fix him up with a nice woman so you don’t have to feel anything for him?”
She looked down at her coffee cup. “I’ve considered it.”
Fran slanted a flat expression at her. “Ellie. That’s ridiculous. You have an incredibly sweet and sexy man you’re attracted to, and you want to give him to someone else? That’s insane.”
“Maybe. But after all he’s done for me and for Henry, don’t you think I owe it to him to give him a chance to find some happiness?”
She caught the sympathetic look on Fran’s face. God knew she’d seen it plenty of times after John died.
“Oh, honey, I totally understand where you’re coming from. But what if his chance of happiness could be with you?”
Ellie shook her head. “I’d never ask that of him. Not without giving him an opportunity to step outside the comfort zone we’ve built together. I owe him that.”
“I think your sense of honor is a little warped, but whatever. That’s your choice. But I can’t help but feel this could be a huge mistake, and one you might regret.”
“Possibly. But I just wouldn’t feel right unless I gave it a try.”
Fran took the last bite of her bagel, chewed, and swallowed. “Okay. So what are you going to do?”
“I haven’t figured that out yet. I’ll think about it.”
“You do that. In the meantime, finish eating. There are mothers in labor waiting for us.”
Fran was right. Time to put Nick on the back burner and mommies-to-be on the front burner.
She had a wonderful couple to care for—first-time parents Krista and Brian. He was incredibly solicitous and so sweet to her, even when Krista settled into the not-so-pleasant part of her labor.
Not that any part of labor was a cakewalk, but transition was tough, and Krista was determined to have a natural childbirth.
Ellie admired the hell out of women who opted to deliver without any drugs. Ellie had made it as far as six centimeters dilated when she’d asked for her epidural.
Those damn contractions hurt like hell, and all she’d wanted was pain relief and the sweet comfort of having her husband and the father of her child by her side.
She’d gotten the pain relief, eventually, but John would never be there. Nick had been, though. He’d held her hand and stayed with her through all the gross parts of her delivery, and when it had been time to cut the cord, Nick’s eyes filled with tears as he did it. She’d known he was thinking about John as much as she had been, and she’d wanted him in there with her. Nick had been the closest she’d get to having John with her for Henry’s birth.
After, she’d been excited and crying and exhausted and Nick had kissed her on the top of her head and told her she was a champion and women were awesome creatures.
She’d felt like a champion that day. She’d always loved being a labor and delivery nurse, but it sure gave her a different perspective having a baby of her own. Because giving birth was the hardest thing in the world.
When Krista and Brian had their sweet baby girl in their arms, it made Ellie’s day. She was perfect and pink and squalling and Krista and Brian were both crying happy tears. This was the best part of Ellie’s job—a happy ending with no complications.
She’d worked a couple of hours post shift to make sure she stayed with Krista through her delivery. She often did this, because once a laboring mother was in the hard part of labor, it was traumatic to change nurses. She’d texted Nick and let him know she’d be late getting home, and he’d told her he’d pick up Henry from daycare and feed him dinner.
What would she do without him? The thought sent a wave of panic through her.
If she did move out and live on her own, she’d have to adjust her lifestyle, make arrangements for someone else to be there for Henry.
She thought about that as she went to her locker to get her purse. She’d manage it, because that’s what single mothers did all the time.
She paused as she realized she’d never thought of herself as a single mother before, likely because Nick had been there with here since the beginning.
The thought of severing that tie to him was scary—and a little sad. But she still intended to do it.
She had to stop depending on Nick, because Nick wasn’t hers.
And it was time to let him go.