Lazarus

I don't remember the last time I was ever this happy, but I'm not going to question it. Drea has been the best thing that's come to my life in a long time. Now that I'm clean, sober, and have my head back in the game, I know I'm ready for a relationship like this.

When I was younger, all I did was use women. Jenna knew that about me, which is why she would never commit to being with me. Jenna knew I wasn’t ready to settle down, so I loved her from afar, and it became more like a friendship—one I would've loved to explore further with her but never got the chance.

With Drea, though, it's different. We connect on another level—one I have never been on in my entire life. We have so many things in common—things no one else but people touched by adoption can understand.

I make it to the top of the staircase just as I notice Peter closing the door to Pop’s quarters. A scowl is etched on his face, and when he spots me, it deepens.

My back instantly stiffens every time I'm in the room with him. He doesn't like me, and I know it, but he’s forced to tolerate me because I'm his boss’s son. Our relationship is practically nonexistent now. “What's up, man?”

Peter squares shoulders as he stares at me. “I just came to give your father an update on your new group like he wanted.”

I fold my arms across my chest as I level my stare on him. “What did you tell him?”

“I told him the truth. I told him the girls were good, and they had a lot of potential, but I think you've chosen the wrong lead singer for the group.”

Now, this pisses me off because Peter has never had an ear for music or an eye for talent. Peter is a businessman. I need to set his ass straight. I know Drea froze up when they performed for the first time, but I also know that can be fixed. I know now that her hesitation has a lot to do with her personal background. She's afraid to put herself out there because she doesn't want to be discovered. Because her discovery leads to her son. It still doesn't mean I like Peter poking around in my business. It's not his fucking call who I have as the lead in my group.

“I don't agree with that,” I say simply as I shrug my shoulders.

Peter studies me intently. “And why is that? Are you a little too close to this group already—to the lead singer, in particular?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I do my best to play dumb, not ready to expose my relationship to Peter so soon. I’m not even sure how to describe to myself what’s going on between us yet. There’s no fucking way I’ll discuss it with Peter.

“Yes, you do.” His voice is hard as steel. “Are you fucking that girl already? That’s your MO, you know. You see something, and you try to take it, no matter if it’s off-limits or not.”

I know he's referring to Jenna, but he never had her either. Jenna couldn't choose between us because she felt like neither one of us were in it all the way. So she kept us both as friends, and that pissed him the fuck off.

He blamed me for being a cock-block.

If Jenna had really wanted him, it wouldn’t have mattered if I liked her too. She would’ve chosen Peter.

I don't want Peter to know about my relationship with Drea. He made it clear I wasn’t supposed to fuck around with any of the girls in the group, so I sure as fuck don't want Peter to know about it.

“Don't worry about what happens between me and the girls. I’ve got this group under control.” I do my best to divert the situation away from Drea and me specifically, hoping he’ll drop it.

“I'm going to worry. I've got a lot riding on this group too,” Peter says.

I flinch. “Like what? My royalties? That's my fucking business, not yours. That was our deal, remember?”

“That was our deal,” he confirms. “But I also thought I was pretty damn clear on not mixing business and pleasure this time.”

I step up to Peter, and my chest pops out of its own accord because I’m not down with the idea of someone attempting to take Drea away from me. “You’ve gotten so damn mouthy since you think you run shit around here.”

He doesn't back away. Instead, he stares at me. “In case you forgot, I do run shit. Go in there and ask your father. He’ll back me up on that. If you don't like the way I'm running the ship, too fucking bad. I meant what I said. Having any relationship with a girl in this group is bad for business. It looks bad, and it also creates a conflict of interest. If we take these girls on, and you somehow become a part of the company again, fucking with a girl opens us up for a lawsuit. And I'm not having that. Make Annamea the center of this group. She's the best.”

I don't know where the fuck this comes from, but he hasn't seen what I've seen. “No. She's not. Drea is the best. Case fucking closed.”

“I think something is clouding your vision. Annamea is the best. You need to move her to lead. I saw it in the club, along with everyone else when they performed. The only person who can't see it is you. Get your shit together and stop fucking around with this girl before you ruin us both.”

He doesn't give me a chance to say anything else. Instead, he shoulders past me and continues down the hall.

I drop my head down and pinch the bridge of my nose. I know beginning a relationship with Drea is wrong, but I can’t help how I fucking feel about her. She’s amazing, and I don’t want to lose her.

I take a deep breath and do my best to pull my shit together before I go in there and face my father. I don’t like to upset him, so I need to pretend Peter is just talking out his ass if Pop brings up me having a relationship with Drea. I don’t want him to worry I’m going down a path I shouldn’t because that would be a waste of his time. I’m better now mentally than I’ve been in a long, long time, and things have never been clearer.

“Hey, Pop,” I chime in my normal peppy tone as I walk into his suite.

The rhythmic sound of his ventilator breathing for him is the only sound in the room.

The sound of footsteps coming from the kitchen area of the suite catches my attention.

Robert comes into the room, drying his hands with a towel. “Hey, Lazarus? You going to be around for a while? I’d like to go out and grab some takeout lunch if that’s okay with you?”

I nod as I walk over to where my father is sitting in his lift chair. “Yeah. Go ahead. I’ll be here for a bit, talking with Pop.”

“Fantastic. I’ll be back soon. Mr. Rawlings just finished his lunch, and his noon medications have been given,” he says as he tosses the towel on the counter by the sink. “I shouldn’t be too long.”

“Take your time. I’m in no rush. Laurie and Cam are working on dance routines with the girls for the next couple of hours, so I’m good.”

“Thank you,” he calls as he heads out the door.

I turn my attention back to Pop, who is furiously typing something out on his DynaVox. I take a seat and wait for him to finish.

“Peter says you making mistake with the group. Wrong girl.”

I shake my head as my eyes roll up into my head. “I’m not, Pop. I promise I have the right girl for the job. Peter is pushing for this woman named Annamea who isn’t even the next best to who I have chosen. Drea’s sister, Candace, is actually next in line for the job, but a replacement won’t be needed. Drea is a star. I just have to groom her.”

“You and girl together?”

I stare at him blankly unsure of how to respond. I don’t want to lie to him, but I’m not ready to hear his judgment if I admit my relationship with Drea.

Pop’s eyes study my face, and when I don’t say anything, he goes back to typing. “You doing so good. Don’t mess things up.”

With those simple words, my insides lock up. The last thing I ever wanted to do is disappoint my father. I’ve already put him through so much, and I’ve worked hard to clean myself up. I don’t want to hurt him anymore by making foolish mistakes.

Maybe I did rush into all this?

Maybe Drea and I are moving too fast?

The thought of upsetting Pop makes me want to take three steps back and reevaluate the things going on in my life. I need to make sure I’m not heading for my own self-destruction again.

* * *

The melody I had been singing in the shower a few days ago is now a loss to me. For the life of me, I can’t seem to get back in the same mindset to find the inspiration to finish the song … or any song for that matter. The pressure to create is weighing down on me like crazy, and I’m beginning to scare myself into believing I won’t be able to write a hit song for the group.

The chords on the piano echo through the room, but it all sounds wrong.

I scratch out the notes I had just tried, marking them as a no-go. A hand on my shoulder causes me to jump, completely startled. “Jesus!”

“Sorry.” I turn to find Drea’s sweet face peering down at me with a sad smile. “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” She pauses, and I can see questions burning in her eyes. “I haven’t seen you a lot this week. You haven’t been coming to dinner … I was worried.”

I know she’s used to me eating with the group every night, but I had a lot of things on my mind and needed some alone time to process everything that’s happened since Peter came to visit and I had a chat with Pop. I don’t need her knowing that my head is a little fucked up right now. “I’ve been working on some songs—haven’t had much time for anything else.”

Her pink lips pull into a tight line. The expression on her face tells me she has her doubts about my story. “Did I do something wrong?”

My eyebrows draw in, and I suddenly feel like an even bigger ass. “No. Why would you think that?”

She chews on her bottom lip as she considers her next words. “It’s the feeling I get—like you’re avoiding me on purpose.”

I turn my attention back to the ivory keys in front of me. I could lie to her and tell her I haven’t, but she’d see right through my bullshit. I have been keeping my distance.

“You can’t even give me an answer?” she pushes.

There’s a strain in her voice, and I don’t like the idea of hurting her, but so much is riding on doing what’s best for this group. I don’t want to make the wrong decision.

“I don’t want things to be this way,” I mumble, not realizing I’ve allowed my thoughts to slip out. This time, I turn to face her head-on because she deserves my full attention. “You and I … we shouldn’t be together.”

Her bottom lip quivers, and I hate myself for hurting her, but I don’t know how I can soften the fact I crossed a line I shouldn’t have. Her pain … it’s my fault.

I want to fix it.

I want to make it better, but doing so means letting others I love down. Pop and Peter … they can’t see inside me and know how I feel for this woman. They’ve known me a long time, and have witnessed my self-destruction and won’t believe this time—this relationship—will be any different. Drea isn’t like the women I’ve been with before in this business. She won’t drag me down. She’s not into the drug scene, but people around me don’t know her as I do. All they see is me being selfish, as I have been most of my life, and going for what I want, instead of taking a step back and thinking of the good of others. My priority should be The Vixens and what they need.

I want my father to be proud. I want him to know I’m a changed man, and if by stepping back and depriving myself of the one thing I want most to prove I’m not rushing into anything is what it takes, then I’ll do it.

Still doesn’t mean I’m not dying inside right now as I peer into the most beautiful brown eyes I’ve ever seen and know I’m crushing her.

“But … I thought.” This time she pauses. “I opened up to you—shared things. Was everything you said to me bullshit?”

I swallow hard. “No. I meant everything I said to you.”

“I trusted you.” There’s a quiver in her voice, and it tells me she’s seconds away from bursting into tears.

I reach for her as the urge to comfort her surges through me.

“Don’t!” She bats my hand away. “I get it. I was a convenient piece of ass. Nothing more.”

“It’s not like that!” I plead. “You’re special to me.”

She wraps her arms around herself. “Special, huh? Is that what you say to all the women you get tired of sleeping with?”

“You knew this would be complicated for me. You said yourself you knew what I had at risk.” I squeeze my eyes shut and wish things didn’t have to be this way, but I don’t know any other way around it. “No one wants us to be together, Drea. Peter … my father … they both have voiced their suspicions that I’m with you. They’re both against the idea. Being together … it’s a disservice to ourselves and to the group.”

“A disservice? What in the hell does that even mean, Laz? You don’t have to make up some ridiculous story if all you wanted was to sleep with me. Just tell me the truth!”

“That is the truth!” I stand and shove my hands in my pockets to keep myself from reaching out and pulling her to me so I can comfort her. “It means people will believe I made you the lead of this group because we’re having sex, which is total bullshit. You have more talent in your pinky finger than most of these girls have in their entire body, but people would still believe the gossip mill versus believing the truth. Your voice—your singing ability—it’s the truth. Peter wants Annamea to be the lead, and I’ve refused to make that happen. Peter told my father that I’m fucking up—that you have clouded my vision on what’s best for the group. Peter thinks making you the lead is a mistake, and I have to prove him wrong. I don’t want to let my father or you down. The only way people will realize that’s not why I picked you is for me to keep my distance and allow your talent to speak for itself.”

“So ignoring me is what’s best for me?”

“Yes,” I confirm, hoping she sees where I’m coming from. “I’m trying to do what’s best for you, instead of being selfish and saying fuck what everyone else wants and take you anyway.”

“What if that’s all I want too?” she asks as she stares up at me. “What if I don’t care what everyone else thinks because all I want is to be with you?”

This time, I can’t help but reach out and cradle her face in my hands. “Don’t tempt me. For once in my life, I’m trying to put others first. God knows how much I want you—dream about you every night—but I don’t want to become a regret for you. I don’t want to be the person who steals your dreams because I’m so fucking into you that nothing else matters but being with you. Despite what this seems like, I am doing this for you. I don’t give a shit about what happens to me. I’ve already had my shot in this business, and I fucked it up, but you haven’t, and I refuse to ruin this for you. I’m trying not to be a selfish bastard anymore.”

A single tear runs down her cheek, and it’s quickly followed by another. “You’re already ruining everything.”

“Drea …” Before I can say anything else, she pulls back and walks out the door.

I’m tempted to chase after her, but I don’t. It won’t do any good because I can’t do anything to make the situation better. The best I can hope for is her forgiveness someday and that she can still work with me even though I’m the world’s biggest asshole.