WHEN HE WOKE UP, she wasn’t there. He hadn’t slept, not really, but he had stayed in his bedroom and waited for her to come back. Waited for her to cool down. Apparently, she had done neither, because when he woke up early in the morning and went into her bedroom, her things were gone. He went into Lily’s room, hoping Savannah was just there, and that for some reason her room was just uncommonly neat.
But she wasn’t there.
Lily was sleeping peacefully on her back, her fisted hands up over her head, her expression serene. She wasn’t aware that she had lost the woman who had been taking care of her for the past month. Wasn’t aware that anything had changed at all. How many times had that happened in his life? Too many.
He whirled around and went back out into the living area, pounding his fist onto the wall. How could he have let this happen?
How could he have put himself or Lily in this position?
He had to remember that he could never care about anyone. Could never trust anyone. There was only himself. That was all there would ever be. Lily would be able to depend on him, he would be sure of that, but he wouldn’t expose her to this ever again.
He looked around, still somehow unable to fully take on board the fact that Savannah had left. She’d said she wouldn’t.
And you said you didn’t love her.
Pain exploded in his chest, bursting behind his eyelids. Yes. He had said that. He hadn’t meant it. He hadn’t. But this was the problem. He wasn’t supposed to love her.
He knew better than to love anyone.
He remembered his mother leaving. Remembered what it was like that strange, surreal morning when he had walked out of his bedroom and everything had been exactly where it had been the night before, and yet felt utterly and completely different.
Much like now.
And then after that, his father had brought home a new woman, and Jackson, at five, had hoped that she would be his mother. Had hoped that she would be the answer to that hole in his chest. That open, lonely space inside of him. But then she had left, too. And so had the next one. And the next one. By the time his father had married Ella, he had already known there was no point getting attached to the older man’s latest bride. No point at all. He’d had his heart ripped out too many times at that point. Had already learned that love meant giving someone a piece of your heart to take with them when they decided to head somewhere better to be.
Love meant losing that piece of yourself, without having that other person leave anything behind.
Except Savannah had left too damned much behind. The house might feel unchanged, but his insides had been turned upside down and rearranged. His life was... He didn’t know whose life this was. And he wanted so very desperately to go back to the one he and Savannah had carved out for themselves.
And what an ass he’d been. Asking how she would know it was real.
You’re the one that’s afraid she’s more in love with the idea of being a mother to Lily than she is in love with you.
He gritted his teeth and fought against the sharp, cutting truth of that thought.
He was afraid. That was the bottom line.
Afraid of losing her, and so he had. And no amount of denying his feelings for her made him feel insulated from that. Not even a little bit. But she was gone. And this time, there had been no quiet space beforehand. No lingering questions as to why. Possibly for the very first time, it had been him who had well and truly driven someone away. He had no idea how the hell he was supposed to live with himself now. Had even less of an idea as to how he was supposed to live without her. But it didn’t look like he had a choice.
* * *
“WHY DID YOU bring Lily out this morning?” Tanner asked, looking at the carrier that was strapped to Jackson’s chest.
There was fencing to be repaired and heavy equipment repairs to see to, and if Jackson had to sit at home and think about what an ass he was, he’d lose his mind. So he had gone out and gotten to work.
The appearance of Tanner on the fence line made him regret it.
“Savannah’s gone,” he said simply, keeping his eyes fixed on the layered mountains that surrounded the ranch. Deep green fading back to pale blue. A sight he normally took solace in.
Not now.
“You gave her the day off?”
“Nope,” Jackson responded. “She’s gone.” He figured if he said it enough, maybe he would be able to feel it. Accept it. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
But he doubted it.
“She left?”
“Yes,” Jackson said.
“What the hell did you do?”
“I fucked up,” Jackson said. “Majorly.”
“How?”
“She told me she loved me,” Jackson said. “I told her I didn’t love her.”
“I would leave your ass for that, too. You love her, though,” Tanner said, his words confident. “I don’t know what the hell changed between the time we talked after she got here and you telling me that you were going to keep it professional, and that dinner we had at my place last night, but it’s obvious to me that something did change. And that you love her.”
Anger spiked through his veins. “Are you and Chloe having slumber parties over there? Braiding each other’s hair and giggling and talking about my love life?”
Tanner shrugged. “I didn’t talk to Chloe at all.”
“Well, she was up in my business, too.”
“Maybe because you need an intervention.”
“Fuck off, Tanner. It’s not like your life is together. When was the last time you were with anyone?”
“It’s been a while,” he admitted. “But I don’t see how that’s relevant.”
“Isn’t it in the Bible or something? Don’t worry about the dust in my eye when you have horseshit in your own?”
Tanner snorted. “Pretty sure that’s not in the Bible.”
“Deal with your own stuff, that’s what I’m saying.”
“I’m fine being alone,” he said. “Which is the big difference between the two of us. You’re not fine, Jackson. You’re not.”
“Don’t you think if I went after her it would just be... Isn’t it a little bit convenient, Tanner? That suddenly I want to be with a woman who happens to be a great... She’d be a great mother for Lily.”
“No. I don’t think it’s convenient. But I think the fact that it matters shows that you care. Do you think that Dad ever cared if the women he brought home would be good mothers to us?”
“I don’t suppose. Seeing as only a couple of them were.”
“Don’t you think it would’ve been a better thing for him to consider us with a decision like that?”
“I guess.”
“That’s not convenience, Jackson. That’s being a good dad. Our lives would have been better if our father was that good. And you know it. You weren’t looking for a mail-order bride, just a mail-order nanny. You got more. Why let it get away? Why miss this chance?”
“Because we’ll just get in deeper,” he admitted, his voice rough. “Deeper and deeper until everything in my life, everything in Lily’s life is tangled up in her. I mean, even if it’s not...convenience for me, what if it is for her? What if it’s not...me she wants really?”
“I don’t know what to tell you about that. I don’t think you can have that guarantee. I just think you have to...take a chance.”
“What if she leaves me?”
“She did leave you, dumbass. The ship has sailed.”
“But at least now Lily won’t remember. Not like me. I remembered.”
“Are you afraid for Lily or for you?”
He let that blow hit. “I don’t... I don’t know. But does it matter if she’s safe?”
“And she won’t have a chance at having the life she could have, having as great of a mother as Savannah. Because you’re scared. But more than that, because of course you can’t marry someone just to give Lily a mother. More than that, you’re destroying your own happiness to keep yourself safe.”
“Great lecture from a guy in a codependent relationship with his stepsister.”
Tanner stiffened. “She’s going to get her own place soon.”
“You said that before. You could build another house on the property. But neither of you have made that move.”
“I don’t know what you’re implying. Chloe is family.”
“To me. To Calder. To you? I’m not sure about that.”
Tanner gritted his teeth. “This isn’t about me. You’re the one letting the love of your life walk away.”
The love of his life. Was that what this was? He’d heard that expression a thousand times and never once applied it to himself. He’d never loved a woman he was romantically involved with. Ever.
But he loved Savannah. He didn’t even have to question that now. It just was. The only question was what he was going to do about it. She was gone. He couldn’t very well negotiate with someone who wasn’t there.
But he could do something he’d never done before.
I could go after her.
“Can you watch Lily?” he asked, his voice suddenly tinged with desperation.
“Hell yeah,” Tanner said.
Jackson was going to find her. Even if it meant breaking some minor laws to do it.