JACKSON WASN’T SURE what woke him up. He had been sleeping better than he could remember sleeping in months, and suddenly he wasn’t. His bed felt empty, and for a moment he couldn’t figure out why that was notable. Not when it had been empty since Lily had come into his life. And then he remembered.
Savannah.
He had taken Savannah to bed last night.
Thoroughly.
And while part of him wanted to give himself a pat on the back for rocking her world the way that he had, because damn, she’d been shaking and crying in his arms, she’d come so hard, another part of him knew that he didn’t deserve to feel proud of what he’d done.
But then, he didn’t feel proud of much. He wasn’t sure why suddenly that was a requirement. She hadn’t stayed in bed, and that did concern him. It made him wonder if maybe she was feeling...regretful, or something.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t had his share of sexual encounters that had some regrets in the end. Tipsy hookups ended that way a lot. On both sides, frankly. But...he cared. Because hookups that ended in regret weren’t something Savannah normally did. And he didn’t want her to feel any regret over what they’d done. Mostly because he wanted her to be able to enjoy the fact that it had felt good.
Is that why?
What other reason could there be?
He got out of bed and put his jeans on with nothing underneath, zipping them and walking out into the main part of the house. It was quiet, and then he noticed that there was a small shaft of light coming from under Lily’s bedroom door. He walked that way, and pushed it open.
Savannah was there, dressed in a simple pair of gray thermal pajamas, cradling Lily to her chest, rocking in the chair and rubbing his daughter’s back as she hummed.
Her voice was sweet sounding, soothing.
It reached down inside of him and made him feel like she had grabbed hold of his heart. Like she was cupping it in her palm, and could decide whether or not she was going to squeeze it, twist it or destroy it completely. On her whim.
At the same time, she was holding his daughter in her arms, an extension of that feeling. That she had his heart in her hands. But she was gentle, the look on her face serene.
“Hi,” he said, his voice rough.
She looked up, her green eyes wide. “Did she wake you?”
“No,” he said. “The fact that you weren’t in bed did.”
“Lily started crying, and I realized we forgot to bring the monitor in. I could hear her through the walls.”
He shook his head. “I didn’t hear her at all.”
“I wasn’t... I wasn’t sleeping,” she admitted.
“Are you all right?”
Her smile turned dreamy. “I’m fine.”
It was hard to breathe all of a sudden. “I was worried that you were upset,” he said heavily.
“No,” she said. “I was just... It’s silly.”
He walked farther into the room and stood in front of her, leaning back against Lily’s crib. “I’m here for silly.”
“Are you?”
“It would be a pretty dick move if I was here for sex and nudity but wasn’t here for silly.”
Savannah looked down at Lily, her expression concerned. “I...”
“She doesn’t understand,” Jackson said.
“I don’t know,” Savannah replied. “This could be an early repressed childhood memory situation.”
He chuckled. “I’d make a joke about how she needs something to tell her therapist, but sadly, I have a feeling she’s actually going to have a lot of things to tell a therapist.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” Savannah said softly.
“Why weren’t you sleeping?”
“I didn’t want to sleep, because I was afraid that it was a dream. I spent so long feeling like there was something wrong with me. And I just had to let go of the idea that I was a woman who didn’t enjoy sex. Sometimes it was okay, and sometimes it wasn’t. But most especially when it caused problems in my marriage... I just felt like a failure. This clarified a lot for me. An orgasm, of all things.”
“Two,” he said.
She laughed softly. “Two. But...what happened to me with Darren was a lot more him than I realized. I think I came into our marriage with more baggage and more fears than I thought. And I think that he exploited that, used the places where I was naive and afraid, to create a life where he never had to be the bad guy.”
She shifted, adjusting the blanket over Lily. “He managed to have an affair and still make it my fault. I accepted it to a degree because of how I felt about myself at that point. And now... I just don’t. I’m mad at him. And he deserves it. But I’m also relieved. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me, Jackson,” she said, meeting his gaze, the words making his chest feel too tight. “And I can honestly say it’s been years since I thought that. Since I thought I wasn’t broken.”
“Definitely not broken,” he said roughly.
“Do you know why I was such an easy target for Darren?”
“Why?” he asked.
“This goes back to why I think Lily might not be as messed up as you think.”
“Okay,” he said cautiously.
“I didn’t have parents in my life who built me up. If it weren’t for my teachers I wouldn’t have had any affirmation. My parents were too busy screaming at each other. Too busy fighting and reveling in their own unhappiness to care much about me. That isn’t true with you, Jackson. I know that Lily’s mother abandoned her. But you changed your entire life to give her a home. To be her father.”
“I don’t deserve any kind of medal for that,” he said. “It’s just what a man should do.”
“But my point is men don’t. And women don’t. People can’t get past themselves to give to others. Not my parents. Not my ex-husband. But you are doing it. For her. And tonight you gave me something, too.”
He shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t like you thinking of it that way.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not a vibrator and it wasn’t a charity orgasm. I didn’t have sex with you just to make you feel good.”
She looked down at Lily and kissed the top of her head, and the simple action tilted his world over on its head. Then she slowly put Lily down in the crib. Silently, she walked over to him and took his hand. He grabbed hold of her and pulled her up against him, her other hand splayed over his bare chest. “I really, really liked fucking you,” he said, making sure her eyes stayed trained on his. “And I want to do it again as soon as I possibly can.”
She shivered in his arms. “I think...now is as good a time as any,” she said, looking up at him, her expression hopeful.
For just one moment he had the thought that this was a mistake. In this small, cozy house, where his daughter was sleeping in the other room, it was a mistake. This little place that was built for families, where it would be so tempting to...
To imagine that something was happening here when it absolutely wasn’t, and most definitely couldn’t.
But then her fingertips trailed over his chest, and she stood up on her tiptoes, bringing her mouth scant inches from his. Whatever caution he’d been about to exhibit evaporated. All that was left was need. So he closed that distance and he kissed her. All the concern and all the thinking better could wait until another day. Right now, he just wanted Savannah. Back in his arms. Back in his bed.
And he wasn’t going to let himself wonder why.