Chapter Sixteen
Dalisay crossed her legs on the couch and faced out the four-pane picture window. Snow fell, the flakes in spiky clusters. There was an inch on the ground and it was supposed to be on and off flurries all day.
Then the wind was supposed to pick up.
The end of February sucked as bad as the beginning of the month.
She pressed her lips together and forced herself back to the conversation with Ina. The time difference and Ina’s schedule interfered with planning calls, but really, it was all around Ina’s schedule. Because Dalisay certainly had nothing going on.
Ina chattered about the latest house gossip. The couple she worked for had met like Dalisay and Aaron. The wife was a few years older than her and the husband was an expat of the United States and about the age of Aaron’s dad.
“What does she do all day?” Dalisay asked.
Ina clucked. “She raises the kids. Believe me, they give her enough to do.”
Dalisay smiled. At times like this she could see the appeal of immediately starting a family, just for the benefit that’d she’d have something to do and someone to talk to. Then she’d be well on her journey of turning into her aunt.
Aaron was gone all day. He worked in his shop, he was on the road hauling grain or equipment. Cash would call, needing help with the cattle now that he had a newborn baby boy to attend to. Abbi was recovering fine, but Dalisay hardly saw her.
She’d hear Aaron and his dad talk. Abbi had Elle or Kami to help her out. Brock’s wife was friendly and always willing to lend a hand, but the couple kept a low profile. Josie wasn’t one to call and invite her over. And Dalisay didn’t know any of them well enough to beg them to come visit.
Beg. She was ready to.
Aaron’s brothers managed to never be home, but Dalisay hadn’t left the house for an entire week.
Don’t worry. I picked up groceries while I was in town.
Yeah, the roads are icy, but spring’s around the corner.
I did the dishes before I left so you don’t have to.
She did laundry and straightened the mudroom. Aaron bugged the others to help. Nice gesture, but she nearly told him to shut his mouth.
Nicolas and Jackson had their cooking nights. She dominated the other evenings, learning to cook some of their favorites. Once in a while, she’d venture down to ask Lori questions about recipes—and make sure she was still alive.
Ina could run, swim, and bike circles around Lori, and it was sad. They were about the same age, but the life behind Lori’s eyes was that of an eighty year old.
No, that wasn’t correct, either. Agnes, Aaron’s grandma was livelier than Lori, too. Dalisay had met her last weekend. Her one and only outing in the last two weeks.
The visit had been…good. Agnes was polite, curious, and couldn’t say her name at all. She’d asked several questions about Dalisay and her family, and then had trapped Aaron for an hour talking about the farm and planting plans for the spring.
Dalisay had tried not to zone out. Her phone had been a siren call to mindlessly scroll through it while Aaron and his grandma were engrossed in soybeans versus canola. She hadn’t wanted to be rude, and had sat and listened while suppressing her yawn.
“Dali,” Ina cut in. “Did you hear me?”
“Sorry. What’d you say?”
“I asked how it was really going. Each time I call, you’re less and less excited. Today, you’re nearly despondent.”
She’d picked up on it? It wouldn’t do to have Ina worry about her. “It’s the weather. I like the snow, but it’s so limiting.”
“For everyone, or just you?”
Of all the times to be astute. “I can’t drive yet, and if I did, I don’t have a vehicle.” She could use Lori’s car, but no license. “Then I’d have to brave the roads. They’re all used to it.”
Ina scoffed. “People move to wintery climates all the time. Don’t let that scare you.” She sighed. “You’re not happy.”
“No, I am.” Dalisay watched the flakes pile on the windowsill. “It’s not what I thought.”
“Moore isn’t, or Aaron isn’t?”
“Moore.” Aaron was all she could’ve imagined. What she saw of him other than an hour of cuddling and watching TV, or more, at night before he’d sneak back to his own room.
“It’s not much better than staying with Peejong and marrying Michael.” Ina’s frank tone nailed it perfectly.
“At Peejong’s I’d have something to do,” she mumbled.
This so wasn’t Manila. And that was okay. She didn’t have to worry about the geese migrating back north mugging her. But she’d lived in Manila for five years and had grown accustomed to her freedom. Freedom to go anywhere by many means of transit. Freedom to grab a cup of coffee—on any corner. Freedom to get out and walk around.
The half-tame barn cats were getting used to her presence, but they weren’t the best conversationalists. She’d worked at a busy internet café where she chatted with coworkers, learned about the life of some of her regulars, and talked to people.
This house. It was so quiet.
“You’ll find your way.” Ina’s encouragement wasn’t surprising. She didn’t expect Dalisay to give up easily. “I know you can make it work. It’s what we do.”
“They don’t have nursing school here.” Dalisay squeezed her eyes shut. She hadn’t planned to spill that to her mom.
Ina would probably say what Aaron had. We’ll check it out. We’ll find something. Meanwhile, he hadn’t mentioned a thing about it and she’d gotten frustrated with her research. There were no options that didn’t involve travel, and she couldn’t even get to town to buy a coffee.
And she didn’t like coffee!
The familiar burn of tears returned. She hadn’t broken down yet, and she wasn’t going to today.
“There’s nothing?” Ina sounded genuinely disturbed. She’d always been Dalisay’s biggest supporter. She had gushed to relatives how her daughter was going to work in the city at a big hospital.
Dalisay hadn’t even walked past a major hospital in years. Not very nurse-like.
“All of it is a commute. And while the time of travel might be the same as in Manila, the distance isn’t. Neither is the weather. I don’t think it’s going to happen.”
“What does the college in town offer?”
“Two-year degrees, like in farm management and accounting.”
“Well, there you go.”
To Ina it was simple. Pivot. Plan one thing, life throws a different option. Dalisay needed to be more like her.
“Maybe I should look into them.” She lacked conviction.
“You’d be more satisfied.”
Yeah. Maybe.
An engine approached. Dalisay craned her neck to look toward the driveway, her heart skipping a beat. Was Aaron returning from Brock’s early?
Jackson drove by.
“I need to go, Dali. Hang in there. You can make this work. You owe it to yourself and to Aaron.”
The feeling of failure wasn’t helping anything. If it weren’t for getting exposed to the light of day thanks to the windows, and the occasional foray to wander around the yard, she might as well curl in a blanket in the basement and watch daytime TV with Lori.
She clicked off the phone and stared out the window.
This place was gorgeous with its blanket of white. Between snowfalls, the banks and piles melted enough to reveal the dirty brown snow underneath, but somehow it managed to maintain a sense of tranquility. An understanding to slow down because as long as it’s there, there’s not much that can be done.
A concept that hit home more for Dalisay every day.
Her phone buzzed. Aaron!
“I’m gonna be at Cash’s a little longer. Dad and I are moving snow so he won’t have to worry about it.”
“How’s little Carter?” She would’ve like to have gone with Aaron, but while he and Timothy worked, she would’ve hovered over a new mama, wondering if she’d worn out her welcome an hour ago.
“Cute as can be. Abbi’s napping and Cash is passed out in the recliner with Carter passed out on his chest. I guess the baby hardly sleeps at night. So don’t wait to eat or anything. I can make something for me and Dad when we get back.”
Always courteous. Always taking care of everyone else. She’d wanted a career where she could do that, but she couldn’t even do it in her own home.
Home. Squaring her shoulders, she said goodbye to Aaron and stood.
She owed it to herself to make this her home. This would be her first meal without Aaron. Only Jackson and Lori were here, but she could take care of them so Aaron didn’t have to worry.
Determination infused her movements. Time for dinner.
***
Dalisay jumped when Lori came upstairs. She’d announced that the meal was ready fifteen minutes ago.
The food was cooling and her plate was empty. She’d spent much of the time wondering if she should serve herself and get started, or if that’d be considered rude.
Lori sat. Her pale face was creased like she’d just woken from a dead sleep smashed into a pillow. “Oh. Pork chops. And rice again. I see you’re really getting use out of the rice cooker Aaron bought.”
“Yes, that was very considerate.” She had rice with her meals everyday even if the Walkers didn’t. Each batch, she added extra. The potatoes that the others made were good, but a taste of home each day helped her adjust.
Lori dished her plate, not waiting for Jackson who may have muttered something about grabbing a bite in town. Dalisay served herself and they ate quietly.
Did she try to make conversation again? She barely knew Lori well enough to ask her about anything.
“It’s going to be quiet with Jackson gone next year.” She could kick herself, but it was something. This woman was supposed to become family, but she knew some of her café clients better than Lori.
Lori’s small smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Time flies. One day they’re babies, the next they’re going off to college. I never would’ve thought…”
Dalisay waited with her fork poised over her plate. Should she prompt her?
But Lori finished. “He was such a challenging kid. Nicolas, too. Each in their own way, but so unlike Aaron.” Lori shrugged, and she sliced her pork chop. “Maybe it’s the age difference. Aaron was an only child for so long. And he was an easy kid.” Her smile this time was real. “Then the boys came one right after the other. I had them, and Aaron’s football games, chores around here. Then, oh god, baseball. Practice every night. Games were double headers and I had to suffer through them with two toddlers who wanted to eat sunflower seed shells off the floor—other people’s.”
She fell quiet again, her expression growing tired.
“Sounds like a challenging time,” Dalisay said. This brief glimpse into Lori said so much. The way Aaron’s mom acted had felt personal, but this conversation was promising. Lori wasn’t resentful that Aaron was getting married or that he had met his fiancée online.
“It was. It can still be. Both the younger boys were in football and baseball, too, like Aaron. You know, small towns.”
She didn’t. Solano was five times the size of Moore.
“Jackson quit playing before high school. It was the ol’ playtime is based on the merits of your coach’s drinking buddies and their kids, and of course, who donated the most to the program. Jackson’s like me, doesn’t put up with the bullshit. Nicolas starts baseball again this spring. He can drive himself to practice now. I’ll still have to go to games, I suppose. Then it’s one more year of football to suffer through.”
Dalisay’s face must’ve registered surprise. Lori elaborated. “I worry about head injuries with everything in the news, but the biggest drama are the other parents. If you don’t play their way, your kid doesn’t play.” She waved her hand like she was shooing the topic away. “Anyway, I’m sure it’ll be different when you and Aaron have kids. Jackson tells me you were looking for nursing programs.”
The subject changed to one that was depressing, but Lori had broached it and that was more than Dalisay expected this morning. So there was a silver lining.
“I may have to change plans. There’s nothing close by.”
“I imagine the thought of commuting when you have so much going on is a bit daunting.”
That part wasn’t a problem. Dalisay had nothing going on. Her troubles were not having a car or license.
She nodded instead of mentioning any of that. “Ina—my mother—said I should look at the other programs the school offers.”
“It’s not the same, though, is it?”
Dalisay popped her gaze up. The look of complete understanding staggered her. Had Lori made the same decision at one time?
Lori inclined her head as if affirming her mental question. “I loved fashion, design—anything with fabric, I was all over it. But I met Timothy. You can guess that Moore doesn’t offer much in the way of fashion design or home interior training. I went to the college in town, then got my four-year degree online. Business.” She shrugged. “It helped the farm.”
Dalisay’s gaze strayed to the living room. The furniture matched and was nice enough. The pictures on the wall were outdoorsy, but nothing about the place screamed I love decorating.
Lori chuckled. “This is Aaron’s haphazard style. I didn’t want to touch it when I moved back.” She sighed. “This house isn’t mine.”
Yeah. Dalisay knew the feeling. It was supposed to become hers, but her suitcase wasn’t even fully unpacked.
“If you…” Lori pushed her rice around. “If you decide to change it up in here, let me know if you want some ideas. I’d show you pictures of how I had it when I lived here, but the style’s outdated by a good twenty years.”
“Yes, I’d like that.” Her answer seemed to please Lori. She even ate some food. But it depressed Dalisay more. Was this her future? Living in a house that really wasn’t hers, buried under lost hopes and dreams?