“You’re cutting that apple like it caused you personal injury,” Julia commented from across the kitchen island. I looked down, and sure enough, I’d stabbed the absolute shit out of that poor little Gala.

“Sorry, little guy,” I said under my breath and tossed it into the bowl of fruit salad. Julia had showed up about an hour earlier to help me get all the food ready for the party. My parents were in the backyard with the twins, which I couldn’t even be annoyed about, because it was a huge relief to not have to worry about what they were getting into while I finished all the last-minute stuff.

Mini smash cakes were ready to go for their decorated highchair trays, table with ‘Wild Ones’ themed food and favors was almost complete, except for the fruit salad and the cupcakes.

“Everything looks so perfect, Brooke,” Julia said after she carefully topped the last cupcake with a bright green fondant in the shape of the number one. “I’ve got to hand it to you, I probably would’ve set a box cake in front of them and called it good.”

I laughed without looking up from the strawberries I was slicing. “No, you wouldn’t have.”

“No, I probably wouldn’t have.” Even without being able to see her, I knew Julia was staring at me. “Seriously though, even for you, this is taking on a lot. What’s up?”

Swallowing roughly, I fanned out the strawberry and placed it on the top of the rest of the brightly colored fruit. Then I shrugged. “This is something I know I can do, and do well. Because it’s easy, it’s just putting some food out and making sure it looks nice. There’s so much in my life that I can’t steer, can’t control the outcome of.”

Julia digested that quietly.

Kevin was something I hadn’t been able to control. So much of what happened with the twins was out of my hands. Sleeping with Michael was, apparently. My face flushed hot with memories of the night before. Good memories. Multiple orgasm memories.

“You okay?”

I glanced up at her, and absently pushed my braid over one shoulder. Was I okay? Depended on the definition of okay, and which situation she was asking about, neither of which she was even aware of.

Situation one- Kevin showing up last night. Kevin wanting to be part of the twins’ lives. Or, I suppose I wasn’t sure about what exactly he wanted. Maybe he wanted to pat their heads, make sure they looked like him, and move on.

That spurred a deep-ass sigh from the depths of my very soul. My very tired, sore soul.

Which ushered in situation two.

Situation two- The fact that I slept with Michael. And not only did I sleep with Michael, I couldn’t stop thinking about whether I’d made a monumental mistake, no matter how incredible it was. The whole night was. Every word he’d said, every single way he’d touched me, and how I’d touched him.

So which did I start with? When I told her about Kevin, she’d flip the hell out. Julia never really liked him, never thought he was good enough for me. And if I told her about Michael, she’d be watching all day in that big-sisterly, super annoying way, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Situation one it was.

“I’m not sure if I’m okay,” I said slowly.

Her eyes sharpened, swept my face with concern, like she’d find a mark she hadn’t noticed before. A bruise or a cut that somehow gave physical proof of what was going on inside of me.

“What happened?”

Suddenly, I wished I hadn’t brought it up. I wished I’d already called him, already made my decision of how I was going to handle this. Because if I had, it would be easier for her not to sway me. I knew what she’d say. She’d sic Cole on Kevin’s scrawny ass.

Also, how had I not realized how scarecrow-esque he was? He had ropey muscles on his arms, sure, and his stomach was defined, he was still an inch or so taller than me when I wore heels, but he’d looked so … small, compared to Michael.

Michael.

Michael’s body. The hard edges of muscle under his soft, warm skin. My eyes closed and my traitorous stomach flip-flopped. Again. Apparently my brain needed a good bleaching.

Earlier that morning in the shower, I’d found a hickey on the top of one breast. Under the hot spray of the showerhead, I’d been capable of nothing but resting my forehead against the cool tile and remembering exactly how it got there.

“Brooke,” Julia said sharply and I opened my eyes again.

Right. Focus. Gah.

“Julia, I will tell you, but first, I need to go make a phone call.”

“No, no way.” She pointed the frosting knife at me. “Don’t you dare. You tell me what’s going on.”

I gave her the most comforting smile I could manage, but given the furious look in her eyes in response, it must have come out like a pained grimace.

“I promise. As soon as I make this phone call, I will come right back out here and tell you everything.”

She twisted her lips in annoyance but nodded. “Fine.”

I swiped my cell off the counter and walked back to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me and taking a necessary minute to breathe.

In through the mouth, out slowly through the nose. Feel the air exit your lungs, release your stress along with your breath.

My heart was still racing, my palms sweating horribly, but I did feel a little bit better. Using my thumb to scroll down in my recent calls, I let it hover over the California number for a minute before I tapped down. It only rang twice before Kevin picked up.

“Hey,” he said, clearly out of breath.

Bizarre. It was so bizarre to hear his voice through the speaker, and I had to remind myself to respond.

“Hi.” I cleared my throat, straightened my spine before I spoke again. “If you’d like to come over tonight around six, you can meet them before they go to bed. But I can’t have you here before the party. Or during. It’s too much.”

Kevin was silent, and I imagined him pinching the bridge of his nose, like he did when he was trying to figure out what to say. I’d lived with him for two years. I knew exactly how he reacted when something didn’t go the way he expected it to. It took him a while to verbally respond, since he needed to process everything internally first.

Annoying when you were waiting for an answer, but I was used to it from him. And now, it wasn’t really my problem to deal with. Briefly, I wondered if he had someone new that did.

It didn’t take me long, a heartbeat or two at most, to realize that it didn’t hurt to wonder if he did. Kevin, the boyfriend, was no great loss to me. Objectively, I knew that. But he wasn’t mine to ignore, to relinquish. He belonged to Piper and Jacob, his DNA ran through their veins, and would for the rest of their lives.

“Brooke,” he said after almost a full minute of stark silence. “I have a right to be there for their birthday.”

I closed my eyes and took a second. Then another. He said a few more words, I think, but the roaring in my head that demanded I attempt civility was drowning further and further behind abject rage.

“Kevin,” I snapped and he shut the hell up. Smart man. “You have a right to get to know them. I am allowing that because you actually had the decency to show up for once. But do not push me. You left. You left me when I was pregnant and terrified, and I’ve done a damn good job of raising them so far. You do not get to make demands of me right now—maybe ever—unless you’d like to bring your ass in front of a judge and ask them to make the decision for you of what you have a right to do or not do. Got it?”

He scoffed quietly, like he’d pulled the phone away from his ear. “Got it,” he answered a little tersely.

“I’ll see you at six. They go to bed at seven thirty.”

I disconnected the call before he had the chance to, and I was almost embarrassed at how badly my hands were shaking when I dropped the phone to my lap. Knowing that Julia was probably foaming at the mouth to talk to me, I still took a few minutes to steady myself.

It was impossible not to feel a little emotional on their birthday, regardless of anything that was happening with Kevin. I’d only known Piper and Jacob for a year. Twelve short months. But they’d become the axis to my entire world, the thing that made it turn, the unequivocal center to my universe. The reason I knew what love was. Instant, true, unwavering love. And I’d known it from the moment they were placed in my arms, known it in how rapidly my heart tripled in size.

Nothing was replaced by their presence, my love for others hadn’t dimmed, only shifted in priority.

In only a handful of hours, Kevin would meet them. What would he feel? Would he feel even a fraction of what I had in that hospital room three hundred and sixty-five days ago? And could I forgive him if he didn’t feel anything?

There was no way for me to understand it, if that was the case. No way to empathize.

A rapid knock on the door made me jump.

“Open up. I know you’re done on your mysterious little phone call.”

I rolled my eyes and told Julia to come in.

She did, plopping next to me on my bed and looking at my cell where it was still sitting in my lap.

“Ready to spill?” She nudged me with her shoulder.

Inhale. Exhale. Let your stress out with your breath.

Inhale one more time because procrastination.

“Kevin showed up last night and wanted to meet the twins and I said no, but I just called him and said he could come tonight before they went to bed for a little bit,” I said on the exhale, then I pinched my eyes shut.

There was a brief vacuum of sound while Julia sucked in a shocked breath.

“That selfish, idiotic, selfish sonuvabitch,” she whispered harshly. Bounding up off the bed, she paced furiously in front of me. It made me smile a little, which felt good. “How dare he just show up? Now? Now? A year after they’re born? Without a single fucking word?”

My eyebrows popped up. Julia and the F-word were not usually friends. Though, Kevin did have an uncanny way of inspiring curse words, even in myself.

Suddenly, she stopped and faced me, chest heaving. “How are you not freaking the eff out right now?”

“Because it won’t help. I can’t, in good conscience, ignore him. I have to give him a chance.”

With that, she deflated completely, slumping against my dresser. “Ugh, I hate it when you’re the rational one. But I guess you have to be, huh?”

I smiled weakly. “Yeah.”

“You’re going to make him start paying child support, right?”

“I honestly haven’t even thought about it.” And I hadn’t. The Kevin he was a year and a half ago jumped jobs frequently, and I had no reason to believe he could even afford to send me anything, should I decide I want it. Julia fell quiet, and I watched her carefully.

Her eyes glossed over and she pinched her eyes shut, a single tear spilling over on her cheek. “He makes me so mad for you. He doesn’t deserve those sweet babies.”

“Oh, Julia,” I sighed, standing up to wrap her in a hug. She and Cole had been trying to get pregnant for … well, forever. And they’d been approved to foster, just hadn’t been placed with an infant yet. The thought that someone like Kevin could freely walk away from his own kids, I knew it tore at her. Just like telling her I had accidentally gotten pregnant made me want to shove a hot poker in my eye, for how nerve-wracking it had been to get ready to tell her.

But it was Julia, the bestest big sister in the universe, and if it broke her heart when I did tell her, she never let me see it. She’d merely leaned in toward her screen, held my eyes, and told me we’d be okay, that she’d be here for me.

And she had, since day one. She’d uprooted her life to move back to Colorado and help me. My eyes burned and I longed for the power to grant miracles, to give one to her and Cole.

I tightened my arms around her and she finally hugged me back, sniffling just a little when she did. “It feels like that to me too. Trust me.”

“You should be the one crying right now, not me.”

“I know, you’re such a sap,” I told her, rubbing a soothing hand on her back.

She laughed and I pulled away.

“I’m not crying because I can’t afford to break down about it right now. But believe me, after the party, after Kevin leaves, I’m sure I’ll have buckets and buckets to deal with.”

Julia wiped under her eyes, fixing the mascara that smudged a little. “Well, you can text me if you want me to come back. I’ll hide quietly in the kitchen or something, have the wine ready and opened so when he leaves, we can cry our buckets together.”

“Oh sure. You’re going to wait quietly while he’s in the house?”

She raised an eyebrow, quite haughtily, I might add. “You think I can’t?”

“No,” I said on a laugh. “I definitely think you can’t keep your mouth shut if you were under the same roof. And Julia, he deserves a shot, doesn’t he?”

Growling under her breath, she rolled her eyes. “I guess. Now come on, let’s go pretend like this never happened because Mom and Dad would flip.”

We linked arms and walked back out of the kitchen, where she’d finished setting everything up. In the backyard, Piper was walking through the crunchy yellow grass, holding onto Dad’s fingers. The sun was out, and thankfully, it was an unseasonably warm day for early November. A few stubborn leaves clung to the aspen trees in my backyard, the bright pops of yellow looking a little sad among all the spindly white branches. Mom was on a large plaid blanket, and Jacob was chewing on the edge of the hat that he refused to keep on his head.

“It’ll be okay,” I said to myself. But Julia wrapped an arm around me and squeezed like I was trying to convince her.

“It will.” Then she stepped back and clapped her hands briskly. “Now, let’s take those cakes out the fridge, get ready for the best first birthday party in the history of the world.”

Turning away from the window, I watched her take the small cakes out and carefully remove the tops. Piper’s was light green, covered in small blue, brown and white flowers of frosting. Jacob’s was light blue, with stripes along the outer edge in white, green and brown. Julia had made them for me, since baking and I … we did not get along. All that measuring and the need to be precise. No thank you, very much.

She stepped back and nodded appreciatively at the cakes. “Not bad, if I do say so myself.”

“You’re going to be such an amazing mom,” I said softly, watching her with a deep, sudden wave of awe, at how much she loved my children, how much she bent over backwards to make sure they were happy, taken care of, and that I was too.

Julia looked at me with a small smile on her face, eyes tear-free. “Thank you. Someday, I think I will.”

The sound of a truck rumbling into the driveway broke the moment, and I looked over at the clock. “Michael’s a little early.”

She smirked and pushed the cakes toward the back of the counter. “Imagine that.”

My cheeks heated, but I knew she didn’t suspect. Not fully, at least. “Shut up. We’re just friends.”

Just friends, uh-huh. The kind of friends who gave me rug burn on my back and made my inner thighs so sore that every time I stood up, I had to hide my wince. The kind who made me need to bite down on my smile when I remembered him ripping off his shirt and throwing it to the other side of the room, his motions so unconsciously athletic and graceful that it was almost disgusting.

Michael came right in without knocking, and Julia gave me a knowing look. I flipped her off behind my back when I went to greet him. Dylan, another one of Michael and Cole’s friends, walked in right behind Michael, holding hands with his girlfriend Kat. They’d both helped me move in, and I was still blown away that they seemed to ‘adopt’ me so easily, even though I’d only seen Dylan a couple times since that day over a year ago.

“Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming, I know this isn’t the most glamorous way to spend a Sunday afternoon.”

Kat wrapped me a tight hug. “Are you kidding? Birthday parties are my jam. I definitely got them the best present.”

Dylan smiled at me and lifted a large box that he’d had wedged under his arm. “Where should I set this best present?”

I pointed to the coffee table. “Right there is fine. That’s so generous. I really didn’t expect you to get them anything.”

In fact, I’d purposely added a line onto the bottom of the invitations that said Your presence is present enough. Dylan winked at me, and he was so ridiculously handsome, all bright blue eyes and wide smile, that I felt myself blush. Michael scoffed and poked a finger in my side.

“He’s taken,” he whispered against my ear when he dropped a kiss onto my cheek. Oh Lord, if Julia was watching, she was probably having a coronary.

I shoved at his broad chest. “Doesn’t mean I don’t have eyes,” I whispered right back.

Michael smirked and set two expertly wrapped presents on the coffee table next to Dylan and Kat’s. “Kat is wrong anyway, I clearly brought the best presents for my little buddies.”

Melt.

My.

Stupid.

Heart, why don’t you? Ass.

Dylan and Kat wandered into the kitchen by Julia and started talking. Michael reached out and grabbed my hand. “Can I show you something in the salon a second?”

I glanced into the kitchen, and no one was paying attention to us, so I went with him. Fine, I walked really quietly when we turned the corner into the hallway so that Julia wouldn’t pop around the corner and go, Ah ha! I knew it!

Michael brushed aside the plastic and smiled when I walked through.

“Did you really have to show me something?” I asked when it fell closed behind him.

“Nope. Just wanted to check in with you.” His eyes tripped down my frame and I tried not to fidget. I was wearing a simple pink cotton dress over some black tights and knee-high boots, and the way his dark, dark eyes warmed, I knew that he definitely liked what he saw.

“Stop looking at me like you know what’s underneath all this,” I whisper-yelled.

Michael smiled. “I do know what’s underneath … all that.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, cursing the stupid sluggish beat of my heart at his quietly spoken words. “Well, I’m fine. Everything’s all ready for the party and I think it’ll be a great day. Thank you for asking.”

His smile never wavered. If anything, it grew at my agitated tone.

“Why is it that when you get snippy, you’re even more attractive?” he asked in an absent tone, like he didn’t really expect me to answer.

“Michael,” I warned. “We can’t.”

“I know.”

Now I did fidget. Well, he wasn’t supposed to agree so easily.

“I mean, we shouldn’t, right?” My voice was a little breathy and my chest felt hot.

He was staring at my mouth. Damn it, damn it, code red. This was not good. But it was so good.

“Right.”

The air crackled, the hair on my arms stood on end, like I was in the center of an approaching storm, and I knew better than to be standing outside unprotected from the elements.

“Right,” I repeated, my voice low and all sex-operator.

Snap.

We lunged toward each at the same time.