Nine
We return to our suite and it feels like we’re in a boxing match and went into our separate corners. He’s sitting across from me in a chair and my back is next to the door, in case the bullshit he’s about to spew is going to make me have another run for it.
Ian’s hand is covering his mouth and he’s staring down at the table. His blue eyes flicker and it’s emotion I can’t read. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed, sad, angry…I don’t know what he’s feeling now.
What’s worse is that I couldn’t even begin to fathom any of it. He’s purposely not letting me in. I don’t need to know what he’s talking about his therapist with. It would’ve been nice to been clued in that he was seeing one.
“I started seeing him when I came back to the States. I dropped out of school to handle all family affairs for a while. Once Gerald started seeing Emma and it appeared it was becoming serious, I asked her to take over being the family representative so I could finish my schooling. She gladly accepted.
“When I was back in London, I concentrated on uni, then I went to cookery school. I excelled at both because it took the concentration off mum’s death. I stayed in London for several more years and trained under the best chefs in the world. I purposely didn’t tell them about my familial relationship because I wanted no special treatment. I especially wanted no sympathy.
“I returned here several years ago and opened Sentiment. It was a smashing success so I opened 3121 a couple years later. When I was decorating 3121, I had a big black and white photo of mum hanging on the wall. One night, the cleaning crew accidentally knocked it down. The photo remained in tact but the frame was shattered.
“When I saw it the next day, I lost my shit. I screamed and cursed at anyone who came within a few feet of me. I finally broke down and just cried like a newborn. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t talk. I was sweating profusely. I had to have been transferred to Cedars-Sinai because they thought I was about to have a heart attack. I remember screaming at the EMTs to not save me because I wanted to join mum.”
My heart stops at thinking about what Ian just told me. His face has already traveled back to that fateful day and I see the small storm within his eyes about it. Flashes of anguish and hopelessness fill them. I just want to hold him.
“Gerald and our father had me hospitalized. When I came to, I saw them at my bedside. Everyone looked like they were crying. I’ll never forget my father’s face. He grabbed my hand and kissed it. With tears in his eyes, he said, ‘I already lost the love of my life, my heart can’t take another loss like that.’”
Ian closes his eyes and lets out a few small breaths. “I went to intensive therapy for several years to work through my issues. I spent several months in recovery while my business partners took over. They had all employees and contractors sign NDAs from that moment on. Once I recovered, I returned to the restaurants and just worked harder than before to make up for lost time.
“I’m fine now, for the most part. I don’t like to talk about it because when you tell people you’re in therapy or you’ve battled depression, they tend to look at you as if you’re crazy or handle you with kid gloves.” He finally sighs and I see the weight has been lifted off his shoulders. “So it has been a private thing I’ve dealt with.”
My eyes water and I let the tears fall. I understand why he never wanted anyone to know he had a nervous breakdown but there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cautiously walk over to him and kneel in front of him. “You don’t have to deal with this alone anymore, Ian.” My voice is cracking with so much hurt and emotion, I can barely stand it. “I know what it feels like to have the one person you love more than anything, ripped from you like nothing ever happened. I know how it feels, baby. You don’t have to do this alone.”
Ian cups my face and gives a soft smile. “Come here,” his voice barely comes out a whisper.
I sit on his lap and press my forehead against his. I feel the energy exchange between us. Instead of me giving and him taking, the roles are reversed. He’s opening up, being as vulnerable as I’d ever seen him, and pouring out so much emotion to me. He caged his emotions like an animal trapped at a zoo, only to finally let them go when he couldn’t contain them any longer.
He’s dealt with this forever and it’s clear he’s tired of it. His mother has missed every major event of his life and I’m sure the upcoming wedding is making it harder on him than he’s going to admit.
“Breathe with me,” I instruct and we do a series of deep inhales together. I feel his body becoming more relaxed with each exhale. This time I’m the teacher and he’s the student. I have to protect him, protect us, from everything and everyone.
I feel his hands circling my waist, trailing to my behind and resting there. His body, sculpted to perfection, feels wonderful and relaxed underneath mine. “I don’t you want worrying about me, angel.”
I inwardly growled at his suggestion. “I’ll always worry about you, Ian. I worried about you when we weren’t together. I’ll worry about you even more now that I’m about to be your wife.” I sniffle and he follows. I open my eyes and see the small trail of wetness leading from his eyes down his cheeks. “We’re in this together.”
“I don’t know if I can include you in what’s going on,” he lets out another painful sigh, “at least not yet.”
“Why don’t you include me when you feel ready?” I hold out a pinky. “Pinky swear?”
Ian glances down at my pinky and interlocks it with his. “Pinky swear.” He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. Losing our mothers shaped us in different ways, but it’s path we’re heading down together – forever. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Well, lucky for you, you’ll never find out.” I kiss the tip of his nose. “Let’s stay in and watch Friends.”
“Oh?” He turns to me with a surprised expression on his face. “You like the show now?”
“Not really,” the words slowly leave my mouth, “but I’m willing to take one for the team to keep my bae happy.” I quickly get off him and remove my clothing. “Let’s watch Friends naked. No sex unless you want it.”
“I always want it.” He smiles.
“Unless you need it.”
“I always need it.” I give him a look and he shrugs. “I’m a man. We need sex like you women need the latest handbags.”