Then
“Hey, baby.” Matt met me at the door to his dorm room, and I had a major flashback to the first time I’d come down with Quinn to see Leo . . . which had been the start of my crazy non-relationship with Matt Lampert.
Now I gave him a cursory once-over and then turned to flash a high wattage smile at his roommate. “Hey, Leo! How’re you doing?”
“Great, Gia. Good to see you.” He gave me a quick hug and then hiked his duffel bag over his shoulder. “Quinn’s out front?”
“Yep.” I nodded. “She’s waiting for you in the fire lane, and she said to hurry so she doesn’t get a ticket. I’ll see you later on tonight, right? At the party?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Leo grimaced. “The last thing I want to do on a weekend my girl’s here is hang out with football players, but I made the commitment.” His eyes flickered between Matt and me. “If you need anything, Gia, call or text us. We can always pick you up on our way.”
“She doesn’t need a ride. She’s going with me.” Matt’s voice was tight, and my stomach turned over, even while my blood boiled. I hated when he acted like he owned me, especially since he was the one who always reminded me that we weren’t dating. We were casual. That was his favorite phrase.
Leo shrugged, sketched a wave in my direction and took off down the hall. Matt closed the door behind him and stared me down.
“What the hell was that? You come here, and you pay more attention to Leo than to me? What the fuck, Gia?”
I shrugged and looked away. “What do you expect from me, Matt? We’re not together. I’d say we’re friends with benefits, but God knows we’re not friends. Half the time, I don’t even like you. So don’t get all over me for not gushing over you.”
He advanced on me then, and despite my bravado, I found myself taking a step backward, until my heel hit the wall behind me. Matt braced one hand above my head.
“Is this because I didn’t call you last week? Or answer a text, or some bullshit like that? Is that why you’re acting like a girl?”
I lifted my chin. “Newsflash, Lampert. I am a girl. And fuck you. I don’t sit around waiting for you any more than you do for me. I have a life, you know.”
“Uh huh. But when you come down here, it’s to see me. It’s to hang out with me. And it’s to fuck me.” He lowered one hand to curl around my neck. “Or better yet, for me to fuck you. I’m thinking that’s exactly what you need right now. A good pounding to help you take the edge off.”
I wanted to push him away, call him an asshole and leave. I wanted to stomp out of the room. I wanted to be strong enough to tell him no and leave.
But I wasn’t. So instead, I raised my eyes to him, hoping he read strength and disinterest there, and not apprehension.
“Turn around and face the wall, Gia.” Matt’s voice was raspy. “And raise that little skirt that I know you wore just for me. Lift it up and out of my way.”
Hating myself even as I did it, I obeyed, pressing my flushed cheek against the cool plaster wall. I reached down and gathered the loose material of my skirt into my hands, pulling it up until my ass was uncovered. Matt’s fingers skimmed over the revealed skin, tracing the thong I wore. I felt the movement of air and then his hands were prying my legs apart. His breath was hot on my thigh, and I relaxed just a little before yelping in pain when he pinched me hard.
“Open your legs, Gia. Spread them wide.”
I choked back a small sob and eased my legs apart. Immediately, his fingers were there, pushing into me, pushing in the narrow strip of lace that covered me there, too. It hurt a little, but the pain was exciting. I hummed a little and ground against his hand.
“You want to pretend that you’re outraged and better than this, but you’re not. You’re not any better than I am, Gia, because you like this. You want me to treat you like shit. You want me to be rough. You like it hard and you like me to be in charge. You’re holding back right now from coming so hard against my hand.”
Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes. God, I wished he wasn’t right, but I was so turned on that I knew the next move of his fingers would set me off. Matt knew it, too, which was why he withdrew his fingers and pushed me harder against the wall. I heard the sound of his zipper going down, and then I felt the blunt head of his dick probing against me.
“Condom, Matt. Condom.” I whimpered the words. It was something I knew I could never be lax about; rubbers were the only form of birth control I could tolerate. I’d gone on the pill in high school and gotten so sick that I’d missed a week of school. I had the same reaction to any kind of hormone, which made implants and shots out of the question. I hadn’t tried an IUD, because it felt extreme and invasive, but it occurred to me fleetingly that if this—whatever it was—with Matt continued, I might have to consider it more seriously. Trusting him wasn’t something I could see happening any time soon.
“Fuck.” He wasn’t happy for the interruption—and probably wasn’t thrilled that he had to bow to something that was important to me—but he fumbled in a nearby drawer, and when I glanced over my shoulder, I saw him ripping open a packet.
And then he was surging into me without any further prelude. His cock filled me, and I lost my breath for a minute, my fingers digging against the glassy-smooth paint on the wall. Matt’s fingers were bruisingly-tight on my hips as he slammed into me, and the words he muttered were growled and unintelligible.
I tried to ground my feet into the floor, because his motion was making my head bang into the wall—not hard, but enough that it was distracting me.
“Don’t. Move.” Matt’s lips were against my ear. “Don’t fucking move at all.” With one quick move, he gripped both of my hands and held my wrists behind me so that I felt even more off-balance. I knew he didn’t care; at this point, all he wanted was his own pleasure.
I should have been pissed, and I should have wrenched my arms free. But my own climax was building, and so I screwed my eyes closed and let it happen. I let the orgasm grip me, gasping as it pulled me tumbling over the edge of reason.
Matt circled one arm around my waist and pushed himself into me one final time, pulsing as he grunted. I held still until he finished, and then I let out a long breath. He withdrew and left me standing there, listening to the sound of his footsteps stalking to the bathroom.
Slowly I turned around, my skirt fluttering into place. I rested my back against the wall, waiting for my pulse to come down into normal range and trying to regroup.
Matt walked back into the room, closing the bathroom door behind him. He barely spared me a glance before he stopped to pick up his phone and scroll his finger over the screen.
“We need to leave for the party in ten minutes. You might want to fix your hair. You’re kind of a mess.”
I swallowed over the lump that had risen in my throat. “I’m going to call Quinn and ride over with them. I think I’ve spent enough time with you.”
“No.” He didn’t even sound upset, just bored. “I said I’m taking you.”
“Yeah, well, you’re not.” I found my bag where it had dropped on the floor by the door and dug out my phone. Willing my fingers not to shake, I hit Quinn’s name and waited for her to pick up.
“I said, I’ll take you.” Matt now sounded irritated.
On the other end of the line, Quinn picked up, her voice more than a little distracted. “Gia? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, but I was wondering if you and Leo would mind picking me up. I mean, when you get a chance.”
She was silent for a moment, and I heard Leo in the background, talking. Quinn sighed into the phone. “We’ll be there in ten minutes. Can you wait downstairs, so we don’t have to park?”
“Yes, I’ll be there. Thanks.” I hit the end button and picked up my bag, looping the straps over my shoulder as I walked to the door.
“You’re a fucking crazy person, you know that?” Matt yelled. “Jesus, Gia. Stop being so dramatic.”
I didn’t say anything; I just shut the door behind me and half-ran to the steps, nearly blinded by the tears filling my eyes.
The party that night was to celebrate the birthday of one of the football players. Leo and Quinn had been reluctant to go, and none of us wanted to stay very long, particularly after Matt arrived, already wasted, a girl under each arm, and made a point of ignoring me—although I noticed he got more physical with the girls whenever I was nearby.
I hated that I was going to ruin Quinn and Leo’s night together by crashing in their hotel room, instead of staying in the dorms with Matt as originally planned, but Quinn insisted that it was fine. We got back to the hotel before midnight, and Leo amused us by pretending to be wildly enthusiastic about his first slumber party. He found a corny horror flick on the TV and proceeded to provide us with the blow-by-blow commentary on each scene.
We turned off the lights and went to sleep just about one, and if I felt a little wistful that my friends were wrapped in each other’s arms as they said goodnight, I reminded myself how lucky I was to have friends who were so gracious and kind.
It felt like I’d just closed my eyes when a loud pounding at the door woke me up. Leo cursed softly under his breath, Quinn’s moan muffled against his chest.
“Gia!” The voice shouting was all too familiar. “Gia, let me in. I know you’re in there.”
“Oh, fuck.” Leo sounded monumentally unhappy. “Jesus. What’s wrong with him?” The mattress creaked. “Stay here, you two. I’ll take care of him.”
“I’m sorry, Leo.” I pushed myself to sit up. “I could talk to him—”
“It’s not going to make any difference when he’s this drunk. Or high, or whatever the hell he might be. Just let me handle him.”
A sliver of light from the hallway fell into the room when Leo opened the door a crack. I heard him talking to Matt, starting out with cajoling and moving into terse anger. Nothing seemed to make any difference.
There was the whoosh of another door opening, and an unfamiliar and very-pissed-off voice added to the mix. “I don’t know what the hell is going on, but if you don’t quiet down, I’m calling the front desk to complain. This is ridiculous. It’s three in the morning.”
“I’m sorry, sir.” Leo’s voice was strained. “I’m trying to take care of this and make him leave. I apologize.”
“If you don’t take care of it, I will.” The other door slammed, and Leo banged his hand against the doorjamb.
“Matt, for the love of God, stop this. If that guy calls the front desk, they’ll send the cops and then they’ll arrest your ass. That’s going to be the last straw for Coach. Off the team. Probably kicked out of school. Is that really what you want?”
“I’ve got to see Gia. I need her. C’mon, man, you know how it is. When you need your woman, you just need her.” The volume of his words began to rise again, and I jumped out of bed.
“Leo, let him in. Maybe he’ll quiet down.”
Leo tossed up his hands and stood back, moving out of the way so Matt could stagger into the room. He spotted me and threw his arms around me, aiming a kiss at my lips but missing, so that his mouth landed on my ear.
Leo clicked on a small lamp that emitted dim light. He rubbed one hand over his face.
“Gia . . . I had to see you. Come back to my room with me, baby. I need you. I need you so much.” He was almost sobbing, and my heart began to melt a little.
“Matt, just get into bed and shut up.” Quinn had always been a grump if woken up in the middle of the night, and it was obvious that tonight was no exception.
“No, I want to take her back with me to my bed. I want to make sweet love to my baby.” He cackled at his own phrasing, and I cringed. I was equal parts mad and embarrassed.
“Matt, how did you get here?” I rested one hand on my hip and prayed he answered that he’d taken a cab or been dropped off.
“My car. How else?” He was slurring, and his eyes were bloodshot. It was a miracle that he’d not only made it here, but also remembered how to find the hotel where we were staying.
“All right.” I reached for my bag and zipped it up before I unplugged my phone from where it had been charging. “I’m going to drive him back to campus.”
“Gia . . .” Quinn protested. “No. It’s not safe for you to do that, not at this time of the night. Just make him stay here.”
“No. It’ll be better for everyone if he’s back there.” I slipped on my shoes and pulled my coat from the hanger. “I’ll call you in the morning.” Turning to Matt, I held out my hand. “Keys. Give them to me now.”
He must’ve understood by my tone that I wasn’t fucking around, because he dropped the ring into my palm without a single protest and then followed me as I headed for the door.
“Good night!” he called back into the room as we left.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Keep your voice down. I’m trying to save your sorry ass, and I’m real close to just letting you fry, like you deserve.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll be good.” He sounded contrite, and I wished that I could believe him. Sober Matt was an undeniable asshole. Just Drunk Matt was mean and nasty. But Totally Inebriated Matt was sweet and needy, often inclined to apologies and promises he’d never remember in the morning.
I got him into his car and back to the dorm, where he immediately fell into the bed. I paused just long enough to lock the door and kick off my shoes before I crawled in next to him.
Matt pulled me into his arms, holding me tight. This Matt was also a cuddler, and I’d wondered before if this incarnation was the little boy who still missed the mother he’d never known.
“Gia, I’m sorry. I wasn’t nice before. I’m so sorry, baby.” This Matt was also liberal with his use of endearments. “I can be better. Don’t leave me, okay? Stay.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Go to sleep. I’ll be right here with you.” I could make any promise I had to, because Matt would either not remember what I said or at least not acknowledge it in the bright light of morning.
Within moments, his breathing evened out, and I knew he was sleeping. I skimmed my fingers over his chest and turned my head to rest my chin on his pec, watching his face. When he was sleeping, he looked so relaxed and . . . real. The mask of insolence and indifference had slipped away, and he was vulnerable. Open.
This was what kept me hanging on. Matt and I had been caught up in this maddening dance of anger, fighting, screaming matches and recrimination—with brief episodes of mind-blowing sex and the occasional night like this, when he told me that he needed me and let me get close enough to believe that someday, we might be more.
In a few hours, Matt would wake up, push me away and once again be a jerk. And I’d do what I did best: I’d pretend I didn’t care.