CHAPTER SIX
Emerson
TODAY IS GOING TO BE tough, much tougher than yesterday.
Yesterday I buried Mom, Dad and Dave. Today I lay Jim, Sue, Brian and our lil’ peanut to rest. I’m holding on by a thread at the moment and I don’t know how I will get through today. I’m sick of people treating me like I’m made of glass. I’m still the same Emerson James that I was before my life imploded. Sure I’m a little broken right now, but I’m still me. Thankfully, I have Bella in my life. She is my lifeline and saving grace at the moment. Without her I don’t think I’d be coping as well as I am. Coping, ha, I think to myself.
I’m a coward and I’ve canceled the last three appointments with Elena, but I just can’t do it right now. I keep telling myself that I’ll focus on me once I get through the funerals. I can only focus on so much at the moment, and right now, they need me to be brave.
Sitting in the car, I stare up at the church. Inside my head, I keep telling myself to get out and get it over with, but I’m frozen, my body not wanting to move from the safety of the car. Once I open these doors—that’s it, they will all really be gone. It somehow feels that if I don’t bury them that they will still be here. I know it’s silly to think like that, but at the moment I’m not really thinking rationally. Bella opens my door and I’m blasted with the cold November air; its iciness hits me and I shiver. She squats down and squeezes my hand. “You ready?”
“Ready?” I scoff then I look up at her. Her face is ashen with worry, I hate that I’m the reason she’s like this. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, and gloomily I whisper, “Sorry, yeah, I’m ready…I guess.” With both my feet on the ground, I pull myself up and with trepidation I walk toward the stairs, holding onto her hand with all that I have. If I was to let go of her, I’d fall. She’s the only thing keeping me upright. Bella is my crutch. My best friend. My everything.
One foot in front of the other.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Look straight ahead.
Don’t stop.
I keep repeating this over and over.
I’m doing as well as can be expected, until I look up and see Father Donovan walking down the stairs toward me. As soon as he’s in front of me, he takes my hands in his and we sadly smile at one another. His hands are warm and he looks directly at me; he’s the first person to really look at me in days and it’s oddly comforting. His eyes are sad like mine. He lowers his head and begins a prayer. Zoning out, I concentrate on my breathing until I hear him say, “Amen.”
“Amen,” I mumble.
He nods and quietly says, “Take your time, dear.” He squeezes my hand one more time before he turns and heads inside.
Taking a deep breath, I look to Bella and mumble on a sob, “Let’s get this over with.” She links her arm with mine and we start up the stairs. Swallowing deeply, I tell myself that I can do this. Once again, I repeat my mantra from before.
One foot in front of the other.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Look straight ahead.
Don’t stop.
We’ve made it to the front of the church, I don’t remember getting here. Before sitting down, I stop and stand frozen in the aisle. I stare at the three coffins before me and begin to panic. I look to Bella and shake my head. “There should be four, Bella, there should be four.” My voice getting louder and louder, I turn and stare ahead once again at the three Cherry wood caskets in front of me and say, much louder this time, “There should be four.”
“Ems, there are four. Peanut is in with Brian.” She pauses. “I didn’t think Peanut should be alone, so I placed Peanut in with Brian. He’s holding Peanut over his heart. I’m sorry if that was the wrong thing to do.”
My head snaps toward her. “Peanut won’t be alone.” She shakes her head at me and I smile, a genuine happy smile because my lil’ peanut won’t be alone. He or she will be with their daddy. “Peanut won’t be alone,” I whisper again as I take my seat.
The service is a blur. I stand when I’m told. I say ‘Amen’ when needed, but I don’t register anything. My eyes are locked on Brian’s casket: Brian and Peanut’s casket.
Once the service is over, everyone stands and starts exiting the church, but I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave Brian and Peanut because when I do, that’s it, they’ll be gone forever. As soon as I leave this church—it’s final. I will never physically be in the same space with them again. “I’m not ready to let you go,” I whisper.
“What’s that, Ems?” Bella asks.
“I’m not ready to go. I can’t do it, Bels, I can’t,” I say, as fresh tears fall. You’d think with all the crying I’ve done in the last ten days that there would be no tears left. “I’m not ready.”
“It’s okay. We can stay here for as long as you need. I’ll tell everyone to head on to the wake and we’ll be there soon.”
Before I can reply, Bella is gone. It’s just me and them. I stare at their coffin as new tears begin to fall. “Brian, please look after Peanut for me. Please do what I couldn’t. I’m so sorry,” I say, as a loud sob breaks free. It echoes through the empty church and they cause me to laugh. I’m sitting in a church, at the funeral for my fiancé, his parents, and our child, and I’m laughing and crying at the same time.
Standing up, I walk over to Brian and Peanut. I lay my head on the cold wood and caress it as I continue to cry. The laughter has stopped. I’m now sobbing uncontrollably. I cry and cry until I feel a hand on my back; from the touch I know it’s Bella. She rubs my back as I continue to weep.
“It’s time to go,” Bella softly says. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here, but I know she is right.
Sadly, I look to Bella, “How…how do I say a final goodbye to the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with? To the child that I lost?” She goes to speak, but I lift my hand to halt her, shaking my head. Turning back toward them, I place my hand on the casket once again and close my eyes. “Goodbye, Brian. Goodbye, Peanut. I will love you both forever.” Leaning down, I gently place a kiss on the coffin. Standing up, I look toward Jim and Sue’s coffins and blow them a kiss.
Turning around, I place one foot in front of the other and make my way down the aisle to exit the church. With each step I take, new tears fall. By time we’re outside, I’m a sobbing mess in Bella’s arms. Without her supporting me, I’d be in a heap on the ground. At the moment, she’s my pillar, my strength, my everything, and I’m ever so grateful to have her in my life. The afternoon sun is shining brightly and when the rays hit my face, I look to the sky, close my eyes, and sigh.
Bella and I begin walking down the stairs to the waiting car and it all becomes too much for me. My vision is blurred from the avalanche of tears, when all of a sudden there’s a whooshing sound in my ears. Everything around me begins to flicker. My body sways from side to side and down I go as blackness engulfs me. The overwhelming grief knocks the wind out of me, literally. I’m admitted to hospital with severe exhaustion, but that is just the beginning of it all.